Would it bother you if your OH spent 30mins - 1 hour almost everyday chatting to another woman?

[foxyfox112]

When he is travelling to/from work. It's someone he met through work but doesn't work with anymore. He doesn't have any reason to speak to her.

She moved away so he never sees her in real life, says they just chat occasionally but phone log shows it's nearly every day during the week.

The fact that it's important enough for him to lie about it would bother me.

What matters is not whether the friend is male or female but what he gets from talking to her everyday. My OH talks to a friend every day for an hour at least. It's platonic and I am entirely unthreatened. If it were another person I would feel entirely differently.

It would bother me.

Yes, the calls would bother me, but I'd find it more upsetting that he knew it would bother you, so lied/tried to minimise the actual frequency of the calls and carried on regardless.

The chatting wouldn't bother me unless there was dodgy content.

The lying is dumpable whether or not there is actual guilt.

And yes, AF is right if my (straight) BF was investing more time in someone else (male or female) than me then I'd be mad. If he was lying about it, even more mad.

I don't know if he has lied though.

He doesn't see her as she moved away from our area

Are you sure he never sees her? Just because she's moved away she could be back on business trips or to see old friends. Does he travel?

He says he chats occasionally, yet his logs show every day this week. That's a lie.

'Occasionally' would be maybe 6 times a year, max.

The OP said that since she initially asked him that the chats have got more frequent, that doesn't mean that he's lied which is what I think the OP is trying to say.

Yes that's what I meant thank you Abed. I don't know if he lied or if it has changed.

I don't know for sure that he doesn't see her but he has never told me he has

The talking, no it wouldn't bother me.
The lying would.

Have you asked him recently how often he talks to her? It sounded from one of your previous posts you mentioned it a while ago and weren't sure if their conversations had increased of late.

Would it bother you if he was talking to a male every day?

Yes it would bother me

That would not be okay with me.

Ask him directly in a neutral way - Are you still in touch with Z? How often do you speak to her? If he lies, he is having an emotional affair. Simple.

Yes it would bother me. I have a couple of male work friends/used to work with friends. 'Occasional chats go along the lines of 'oh hey how are you? How are the kids doing? Oh that's nice, yes we are off to Spain this summer, anyway best dash, say hi to [wife and kids] '

Not an hour a day.

If you have the kind of job where you drive a lot, you often seek out people who are available for a long chat at certain times. I talk to a couple of colleagues and one ex work mate (who is now a close friend) plus 'real' friends most days for extended periods while travelling. We can talk about (individual) work matters for absolutely ages! So it's not necessarily shady.

Heck yes! That's very sketchy. At the least an emotional affaire.

I remember a similar thread a while ago. Was that you op?

Yes. Yes yes yes. My boyfriend was doing this while we were having a really difficult time. It was texting rather than phone calls, and they still worked together. He said they were just friends, I was being jealous and crazy, I was being unfair, I was imagining things. Turns out he was sleeping with her, and went on holiday with her behind my back. We broke up, I'm now pregnant and he is trying to force me to have an abortion- his main objection to it seems to be that it will break the two of them up.

I'm sorry, I may just be projecting because I'm still so hurt, and your situation could be entirely innocent, but in my experience the regular (very regular, in this case) communication between them coupled with the lying doesn't sound like anything good. My sympathies.

Yes. Unless it was on the train, although even then he doesn't chat or even meet up with his male friends for the whole journey everyday. And he did have a female commuting friend for a while, the seemed to chat about weddings (she was getting married) which I found very funny.

On a long term basis I would find it odd if DH spoke to anyone everyday for this amount of time (short term crisis excepted), but he doesn't chat that much.

So don 't allow yourself to be criticised, most people would find this odd. Is he willing to stop? Is he defensive?
What do you really want to do about it?

I can't understand what possible reason he could have to talk with her every single day. I would absolutely have a problem with this OP and want to get to the bottom of it. As AF says, does he speak to you for a full hour every day? That would ring alarm bells for me.

This would bother me, big time.

I have asked like you suggested and he said just occassionally again so he is lying. I haven't told him I know different yet :( Don't know what to think now

Yeah, that's not cool and he obviously knows it. I can't imagine anyone doing this unless they had some kind of emotional investment.