I'm worried I married an arsehole by mistake

[Mrsw28]

Over the past 6 months or so I've had moments where I've seriously worried that I made the wrong choice in husband. I've been married 4 1/2 years, we have two DC aged 2 and 6 months.

DH is tired all the time and grumpy with it. He works as a postman and I am a primary school teacher on maternity leave but I'm not going back to work for a few years now so I'm basically a SAHM. We discussed children before we married and he knew that I had no intention of having children to leave them with someone else while I went off to teach other people's children.

Over the last six months DH accused me of arguing with him when I don't understand something he says and ask him to explain or when he says sweeping statements or outright squashes an idea I've had without elaborating on why it's a bad idea/he doesn't like something. I'm not trying to cause arguments, I just want to understand. He shouts at me and swears at me and has stormed out a few times with no word of when/if he'll be back. He's pretty miserable most of the time and he falls asleep every day in the afternoons when we're at home with the kids (sometimes he has a nap when he comes home from work around midday but he still falls asleep). I am pretty sick of his tired sighs punctuating our afternoons. Last time he stormed out I asked him to go to the GP and get a blood test to make sure his tiredness wasn't down to something medical, he said he would but when I asked him about it a few weeks ago he said he had no intention of going to the GP. This week I've said to him again he needs to go.

Lately I feel like he'd much rather not be a husband and a father and would be happier if he were on his own. Yesterday when we rowed he stormed off upstairs saying he was going to shower and go out. I challenged him about this and asked him what he wanted out of life because I didn't think we were making him happy. He carried on ranting and then started shouting about how I wouldn't be happy until I'd driven him to kill himself and I had his life insurance money (not that it would be loads in case you're wondering).

I know this is a long ramble but I just don't know how I feel anymore or whether I even like him at the moment.

We get a lot of bored time together and no quality time together without the children

What's bored time together - do you mean with the DCs?

I wondered if he was taking a back seat with the dCs as you are the 'expert'.

Do you ever say 'DCx loves when you take him/her for a walk, build lego/ paint pictures/read a story' so that he might get some satisfaction from it rather than feeling second best at everything.

Though, if he was a SAHD he had his chance then.

The baby toddler years are past in a flash. Perhaps you could both take an afternoon each with one DC and do some fun things. So that you get something from it too.

Postman I knew deliberately chose the job so they had time in the day for their real interest.

scallops

Remember we are only hearing OPs side here. I am sure her husband would tell it differently. My DH certainly did when we went to counselling and it made me realise I wasn't entirely blameless in our relationship difficulties.

As I said above switching from being a two income couple to a one income family is tough. The relationship dynamics change - they have to, they can't be the same when there are other people (small, noisy, demanding people) coming into the home and it can be a very hard adjustment. This probably isn't all about the DH but about the couple, the kids, the family, money, everything. Even a few sessions of counselling could help them reconnect and get some perspective.

Tell him to stop making threats about killing himself and by the way, you won't get insurance as it isn't paid out for suicide. When he is calm ask his if he really things you'll be happier if he killed himself and he need to apologise if he doesn't. Lots of people say horrible things when tired and angry but you have to apologise. Both of you need to communicate full stop never mind better.

Sorry if you already covered this but would couples counselling be an option? I feel sorry for you having to cope with being treated like this as well as your two children with little help, whatever the reason for it.

Hazy "bored time together" = DC1 is napping/in bed, DH has decided not to nap that afternoon/hasn't gone to bed yet, I'm sitting breastfeeding DC2, DH is falling asleep in the armchair whilst trying to play games on his phone.

I haven't suggested relationship counselling but I'm open to it, not sure he would be...

He does take DC1 out for walks with the dog or to a soft play centre or park sometimes and seems to enjoy/doesn't mind doing it. He does bath time with DC1 and reads bedtime stories etc. He appreciates we have lovely children bu at the same time finds them boring/exhausting.

I'm sure he'd say I'm a horrible nag etc.

If there's a chance he's still depressed, and it does sound likely, and won't seek help from the GP or military charities, that's a big problem IMO.

It's very unfair that you are getting no time for yourself at all: even with a 6mo breasfed DC a few hours here and there can work; you could book some times in and leave both DC with him, or if he refuses get a sitter.

I still think you should discuss whether or not he's actually OK with you remaining AH once your youngest DC is one: if he's not, then it's only fair you seek a job, in teaching or something else, and either share the childcare between you or pay for it. Circumstances have changed so you being a SAHM might not be financially possible or work for your H.

In case anyone wanted to know, I talked to my DH and he booked a GP appointment for this morning. I wrote some things down for him so that he didn't forget and he's come away with antidepressants, a blood test and another appointment in three weeks time.

Hopefully, things will start to improve in a few months.

Well done for getting through, hope it works out. Have a good look at the information that comes with the antidepressants and be aware that they can actually make you feel worse, or at least moodier, in the first few weeks.

My old man left the army 9 years ago after serving 22 years, and he still hasnt coped with civilian life, he was really grumpy and stressed to fuck, most of the time we had to walk on eggshells, although he hasnt had to cope with young kids anymore, 4 years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD, my mum and dad almost divorced because of his depression but she stood by him and now they have a great relationship, also my old man has been lucky enough now to retire and he is only 56!

I guess what im saying is just hold in there

I think it will be easier once DC2 goes to sleep at the same time as DD.

It would be better for him to have a defined period of 'me time' until about 3pm, then you all get out somewhere with the children.

Swimming lessons?
Stay and play?

Really pleased he got to the Gp that's a great start- a lot of men wouldn't take care of it properly

So pleased he went to the GP. I hope things get better for you both.