I'm worried I married an arsehole by mistake

[Mrsw28]

Over the past 6 months or so I've had moments where I've seriously worried that I made the wrong choice in husband. I've been married 4 1/2 years, we have two DC aged 2 and 6 months.

DH is tired all the time and grumpy with it. He works as a postman and I am a primary school teacher on maternity leave but I'm not going back to work for a few years now so I'm basically a SAHM. We discussed children before we married and he knew that I had no intention of having children to leave them with someone else while I went off to teach other people's children.

Over the last six months DH accused me of arguing with him when I don't understand something he says and ask him to explain or when he says sweeping statements or outright squashes an idea I've had without elaborating on why it's a bad idea/he doesn't like something. I'm not trying to cause arguments, I just want to understand. He shouts at me and swears at me and has stormed out a few times with no word of when/if he'll be back. He's pretty miserable most of the time and he falls asleep every day in the afternoons when we're at home with the kids (sometimes he has a nap when he comes home from work around midday but he still falls asleep). I am pretty sick of his tired sighs punctuating our afternoons. Last time he stormed out I asked him to go to the GP and get a blood test to make sure his tiredness wasn't down to something medical, he said he would but when I asked him about it a few weeks ago he said he had no intention of going to the GP. This week I've said to him again he needs to go.

Lately I feel like he'd much rather not be a husband and a father and would be happier if he were on his own. Yesterday when we rowed he stormed off upstairs saying he was going to shower and go out. I challenged him about this and asked him what he wanted out of life because I didn't think we were making him happy. He carried on ranting and then started shouting about how I wouldn't be happy until I'd driven him to kill himself and I had his life insurance money (not that it would be loads in case you're wondering).

I know this is a long ramble but I just don't know how I feel anymore or whether I even like him at the moment.

I did not marry an arsehole - but we did go through the sleep competition thing when DS was a baby. He was getting up at 5.30am at the time, and would go off to bed at around 9pm. He was always moaning about how tired he was. In the end I just said 'darling I don't really know how to get you any more sleep...you go to bed at 9pm, and I deal with all the night wakings - what do you suggest?' He seemed to see reason a bit then.

I think part of it was the resentment with me being at home - an adjustment from us both working FT. I think he did have a view that I lazed around drinking coffee all day. He was further educated on this when I was taken into hospital as an emergency when preg with baby no2 - honestly, the first time he's dealt with ds purely on his own for a few days. He came to visit me, he looked run ragged - he hadn't even shaved. He said to me 'I don't know how you ever get any housework done" ( ) It showed him that I didn't, in fact, lead some 'lady that lunches' lifestyle while he was hard at work.

OP only you know if he's an arsehole or not - but communication and understanding is key.

I have sympathy for you both, as sleep deprivation can be incredibly hard. There is a reason why is it classified as a form of torture...

Let me.give you something else to consider. You say he was in the army... For how long and doing what ? As the PP mentioned, leaving the forces is a huge adjustment for many people. The longer they served the harder to adjust. It really is an alien environment when you move into the civillian world. This in itself could be causing him severe anxiety.

The reason I ask "doing what" is that he is exhibiting the signs that I was many moons ago. Not sleeping even when i should, anger, depression... After 15 years it got so bad I had to get help. When I was diagnosed with PTSD things started to make sense.

You both need help, but it could be that the help he needs right now isn't the sort you're thinking off. If you want a more detailed response them feel free to PM me.

Hope you find a way through this.

RLD.

Over the last six months DH accused me of arguing with him when I don't understand something he says and ask him to explain or when he says sweeping statements or outright squashes an idea I've had without elaborating on why it's a bad idea/he doesn't like something. I'm not trying to cause arguments, I just want to understand. He shouts at me and swears at me and has stormed out a few times with no word of when/if he'll be back.

He sounds like he is being horrible. If he has the luxury of sleeping every afternoon and you up with the kids in the night he shouldn't be that tired. What with him storming off when he wants to he sounds like he's not doing his share of the childcare at all when at home.

"Depression is not about being tired and grumpy"; have you ever been diagnosed clinically depressed? That's exactly how I would describe my sister ; and then I found out she was depressed and had had a nervous breakdown. I literally thought she was just miserable. OP also is probably not seeing the situation as she would normally (2 very young children) Depression is high amongst those leaving the armed forces and the stress of wondering how he will provide for his young fZmily once wife is SAHM must be huge. He is being a dick but look at it from his point of view.

The problems started about six months ago, that's when you had your second child. It sounds as if married, family life is overwhelming him. Having two little uns is very tough work and no doubt your lives have changed beyond description in the past two years. Perhaps you have adjusted to parenthood much better than him. You are probably so tied up with caring for the children that you have ceased to be the woman he once knew. Life is probably an endless round of drudgery now and he resents it and is very unhappy. What you can do to resolve this I don't really know. Is there anyway you could afford a babysitter for a couple of hours so you can go out together as a couple just for a few hours? During your time out decide not to talk about the children but see if you can reconnect again as adults.Very young children are very draining and it sounds as if there's not an awful lot of happiness in your lives right now. I know couples who insist on a few baby free hours a week so they can go out (as a couple or occasionally to see friends) who say that this arrangement has literally saved their marriage. You have suggested he goes to the doctor; now drop it. If he wants to go he will, if he doesn't, he won't. He may well feel you are 'nagging' him. I don't think he is depressed as such, just very miserable and this in turn is making you unhappy too. Family life is very stressful, you both need to try to open the door of gentle communication (without accusations) where you both can talk to, and really listen to how the other person feels so that, together, you can try and find a way through this difficult time before the unhappiness just escalates.

Just to clarify about my work. I had to resign when he left the army as we moved 150 miles from where we were living. I was on maternity leave at the time of the move, so waited until my maternity pay was up and resigned. We did share the work responsibilities for a while when I was pregnant with DC2 (I did some supply teaching - this is how I don't have a job to resign from) but to be quite frank he didn't enjoy being a SAHD on the the three days he was, he found it very tiring, boring and nothing got done around the house, and I mean literally nothing.

He knows that teaching isn't just a turn up at 9 go home at 5 job from the amount of time and effort he saw me putting in before we had children. I literally have no idea how teachers work and raise a young family, I can't see how there is enough time.

When we talk about money and things that we planned to do etc. he always says "but I was in the army when I said that", "but I thought I was going to have a career in the army". He hasn't got over it (I can't see that he ever will), he went to the GP when he first left and was diagnosed with depression and given medication and put on a counselling waiting list but he didn't take the medication properly (I think he expected them to be magic pills that he would take one and be 'fixed') and he after one session of counselling he decided he was fine and didn't need help .

If he doesn't nap when our 2 year old naps, then I don't see when he's going to ever spend quality time with him.

It sounds like you need to talk to him about the work situation.
"I told him I had no intention of leaving my kids" is not the same as "we agreed we both wanted a SAHP".
Fair enough if you don't want to use childcare, but it sounds like you both have jobs where PT would be possible?
Honestly, if I were him with your career break planned for years, and I wasn't fully engaged with it to begin with, I'd be feeling aggrieved.

To be honest, I think you are spending too much time together! Familiarity breeds contempt. You are home together all the time except mornings.
Add little kids, tiredness, an early shift pattern and one less salary coming in to the mix and no wonder there are problems.
With his shift pattern being home at lunchtime, you may be able to get a part time job whilst he looks after the kids, eg afternoons in a local school, learning support, lunchtimes etc. I have friends who do a couple of hours in schools in afternoons. This would give you a break from always being in the house together, bring in some extra money and there are no childcare issues as your dh would be home.
It sounds like you are all bored of each other and in a rut. I think the key is for you to spend less time at home and get out and do something for yourself. Even voluntary work.

Is there any support from the forces available? Like an ex army group? Might be more likely to listen to other men than you ( in the nicest way)

Great post cedricsneer which I fully related to.

"I love how people decide that they want to be a SAHP, putting all the financial pressure on the other party, then wonder why their partners feel Exhausted, stressed and grumpy"

Ah yes, because being a SAHP is decision that only the SAHP dictates. In our case nobody decided, but circumstance dictated.

As with anything in life, even with a joint decision, both sides could never fully appreciate how they'll feel in the situation. For both it can be very stressful. It can be even more stressful if the couple any communicate openly and freely as they then don't have the support of each other in addition to the stresses.

Joys, I think pp was responding to how the OP was written. It wasn't written like a joint decision. Lots of 'I' and not 'we'.

if he didnt take the medication or have counselling he's probably still depressed.

He needs to see he has to go back to the dr. I'm still really concerned about him talking about killing himself. He is either a controlling idiot or he's depressed and needs help.

Working full time, Lack of sleep, depression, feeling money pressure, 2 young DC, is a horrible mix.

And I feel for you too as your obviously not getting any support form him, but if he is clinically depressed he isn't doing it deliberately.

Sorry to keep dripfeeding. I breastfeed our 6 month old and she doesn't take a bottle (something I'm working on), so I don't feel I can leave her with anyone yet and I only really would leave her with my mother who lives 100 miles away. This being said, I see my mother for about a week once a month/6 weeks, we alternate that she comes up here and helps me get the house completely straight and spends time with us (my DH likes my mother and is in favour of her visits) and the other times I take the children down to see her for a week and leave DH at home to recharge his batteries and have a break from us. The most recent being I left him for 9 days over Easter. He goes out with his friends semi regularly which I don't (didn't) mind but it doesn't seem to matter how much time he gets to himself it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I get no time to myself, I know saying this will prompt comments that I resent him for having time for himself but that's not why I'm saying it, it's to give the whole picture.

*you're

Except Joysmum in this case it did sound like the OP made the unilateral decision to be a SAHP and he had to just accept it:

"He knew that I had no intention of having children to leave them with someone else while I went off to teach other people's children."

OP you both sound absolutely exhausted.

If you're exclusively breastfeeding and won't leave the baby with anyone else then it would be difficult to get time to yourself.

Sorry, but one of my schoolfriend's dads was a postman, and he said it was brilliant to be finished by 1. He was always around for the kids.

My friend was one of triplets.

If your husband went to bed at 10 and got up at 5, that's 7 hours quality kip. Not that exhausting, imo.

I have insomnia, which means that I'm usually awake for two or three hours in the night. I then have to get up at 7 to go to work until 5.

I don't swear at my dp, storm off or shout at him though.

Your husband is not necessarily an arsehole, but my goodness, he's doing a bloody good impression of one.

Time to have strong words.

I wonder if he's feeling pressure about the 'family time' in the afternoon. After a full day's work (whatever time it finishes) it will be exhausting to then spend all afternoon and evening with the children every day. I would think about doing a couple of groups or activities a couple of afternoons a week so he can nap or rest and he might feel more able to spend time with you on the other afternoons.

What's wrong with wanting to be at home with your kids?

She told him her position, presumably before they were born.

And presumably he agreed to it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be home with the kids if both parties are happy and can afford it and it doesn't negatively impact on the other. I don't think anyone on the thread has said there's anything wrong with being a SAHM.

I agree the shouting, swearing and storming out is absolutely unacceptable though

Yvaine nothing wrong at all. Nobody has said there is. But, just like WOH, it brings certain pressures to the family.

Hang on, I missed the bit about depression and the army!

Did he have a bad time? See active service or anything like that?

If he is having regular 2 hour naps in the afternoons, he is probably making his tiredness worse for himself. He's staying up too late for his hours and mucking up a sensible sleep pattern. Naps really are over-rated ... unless you are unwell. He is not unwell. He is just tired. But he also sounds unhappy, so something clearly needs to change. You and he will need to find a way to talk in a stress free, child free environment to try to figure out what could make life better for him and your family.

Re the SAHP issue, there's nothing wrong with that if you both agreed it was the right decision and you can afford it. There is something wrong with it, however, if it was a unilateral decision on your part and he fully expected you to be back at work after a year's maternity leave with each one. And circumstances change; money might become more of an issue for him now that you're living with less money. Even a part time teaching position might take the pressure off of him if he wasn't fully on board with staying home until they're, what, school age? And, if push came to shove, if he gets off work at 1ish in the afternoons, he could have the children in the afternoons which would cut down the amount of time they're in childcare/preschool/after school care. So it would be doable for you to go back to work as a teacher. Hard, yes. But the younger years are always hard.

Poor you, sounds difficult, but it does sound as if he thinks he's just there to provide financially and that's having a bit of a dent at his self worth.

Why did he leave the army?

I'm now wondering if he's got PTSD or is really struggling to readjust to civilian life.

I think there are charities that help with this sort of thing.

I'm sorry I didn't read the OP properly. Just woken up (thanks to insomnia. At least when I'm off work I can catch up )