I'm worried I married an arsehole by mistake

[Mrsw28]

Over the past 6 months or so I've had moments where I've seriously worried that I made the wrong choice in husband. I've been married 4 1/2 years, we have two DC aged 2 and 6 months.

DH is tired all the time and grumpy with it. He works as a postman and I am a primary school teacher on maternity leave but I'm not going back to work for a few years now so I'm basically a SAHM. We discussed children before we married and he knew that I had no intention of having children to leave them with someone else while I went off to teach other people's children.

Over the last six months DH accused me of arguing with him when I don't understand something he says and ask him to explain or when he says sweeping statements or outright squashes an idea I've had without elaborating on why it's a bad idea/he doesn't like something. I'm not trying to cause arguments, I just want to understand. He shouts at me and swears at me and has stormed out a few times with no word of when/if he'll be back. He's pretty miserable most of the time and he falls asleep every day in the afternoons when we're at home with the kids (sometimes he has a nap when he comes home from work around midday but he still falls asleep). I am pretty sick of his tired sighs punctuating our afternoons. Last time he stormed out I asked him to go to the GP and get a blood test to make sure his tiredness wasn't down to something medical, he said he would but when I asked him about it a few weeks ago he said he had no intention of going to the GP. This week I've said to him again he needs to go.

Lately I feel like he'd much rather not be a husband and a father and would be happier if he were on his own. Yesterday when we rowed he stormed off upstairs saying he was going to shower and go out. I challenged him about this and asked him what he wanted out of life because I didn't think we were making him happy. He carried on ranting and then started shouting about how I wouldn't be happy until I'd driven him to kill himself and I had his life insurance money (not that it would be loads in case you're wondering).

I know this is a long ramble but I just don't know how I feel anymore or whether I even like him at the moment.

Hang on, I missed the bit about the depression and the Army I don't think you're the only one Yvaine or it seems to be being ignored.

OP I can tell you're at the end of your tether, but I really think the fact he's depressed has to be at the forfront of your mind. Depression can be a horrific thing to live with. I know several ex army people who had horrendous experiences, they only got over that by proper therapy.

It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accommodate him with his 9 day easter break to do what he wants and daily naps. If you got an afternoon job when would he have his nap? Does he ever take over with the kids and give you a break? If he is depressed he needs to go to the GP.

Anger and irritability can be signs of depression... That's why they are questions on the mental health assessment questionnaires. Just like with any other illness, depression doesn't manifest in the same way with different people. Making sweeping statements about what mental health issues look like is at best unhelpful and at worst bloody dangerous

OP, I think you have to encourage your husband to visit his GP.

If he won't go, then maybe contact one of the charities and see what they suggest.

He possibly might have male post natal depression. He clearly needs proper help. His depression is effecting everyone

Drop the naps. Sleeping 9-5/4 is fine.

www.theabandonedsoldier.com/needofhelp.php
www.combatstress.org.uk

It doesn't sound like you get any time together without the kids though. I don't see what's so tiring about being able to sleep 9-4 AND having a nap during the day . I would suggest he either drops the nap and actually goes to sleep at 9 or goes to bed when you do, you need time together as a couple. Now your 6 month old is eating solids so it should get easier in the next couple of months to leave him with your mum for a few hours.

With the depression, you can't force him to take action but I hope he realises soon

Ah, I read the OP as being before they went ahead and had kids too. I guess that's because we had that discussion pre-conception so I've assumed

Talk to your HV if he won't go to the GP.

He may be depressed, but you cannot force him to go to the GP. He has to take responsibility for his happiness, if he is not happy he should seek help or address it, not take it out on you and the children. If he is depressed because of leaving the army maybe there are support services for ex-servicemen that he can access for help.

The only thing you can do is tell him what behaviour you find unacceptable from him and what you would like instead. "I do not like it when you do X, it makes me feel ...". "I would like you to do X instead." When my DH's mother died he was similar in his behaviour, angry with the world. I tried to be understanding at first, but in the end it didn't help him, I had to tell him if he carried on behaving that way he would lose me too.

I think he has an easy time of things really.

9 days child free with no work, I haven't had that in 6.5 years.

The transition from being a couple to parents is a hard time in any relationship and often the second child is harder than the first as the novelty wears off and the realisation that this is a life sentence dawns. Add to that money pressures and shift work and you are double whammied. And the many difficulties associated with leaving the army just ratchet things up even more. I think even your week long stays away might be contributing to the stress, marking your DH out as an adjunct to the family unit who can be set aside regularly.

What you are describing is a classic difficult phase and I think couples counselling would help and I speak as someone who has lived this from both sides - once as a SAHM who thought her husband had suffered a personality transplant until relationship counselling helped us get back on track and now as a couples counsellor who meets many people struggling through similar difficulties. You are tackling this relatively early so the chances of getting a positive outcome are good.

Thanks for all the supportive suggestions. I really want him to go to the GP but feel like I'm nagging now. I'll look at those charities Yvaine, thanks. He did see active service and I know there are a few things that bother him still.

I was starting to think IWBU about the amount of sleep he gets, I'm glad it's not just me that thinks 9-4/5 is not a bad stretch.

We get a lot of bored time together and no quality time together without the children. It isn't ideal at all but I accept (most of the time) that that is what it's like when you have little ones.

Good luck

Best of luck OP. My DH and I have different sleep needs. 5-6 hours dies me, he's an 8 hour man. This increases for him when he's not getting good quality sleep.

I really missed the man my DH was and told him so when initiated the 'I can see you're not happy' talk. He could tell it came from a place of love and support by framing it like that.

My dh is up for work at 4 am. He works 3-4 shifts per week.He is home by half 1 and naps for no longer than 20 mins. If he sleeps for longer he feels awful and doesn't sleep well that night. He goes to bed at 10pm on work nights. I think your dh's sleep pattern is doing him no favours.

Mine is like this at the moment too, but I don't think I married an arsehole, after 15 plus years I know I haven't, but I do worry about his health & there are a few key things that you say about your DH that makes me think, that over & above the small kids, exhausting job etc, it could be the same issue affecting your DH too.

I think you need to get him to the GP for a health check, more specifically a blood test for B12 deficiency/Pernicious anaemia, exhaustion, depression, rattiness & "the sighs" are common symptoms

Myself & daughter have this, I've just started the injections to correct my deficiency & trust me the exhaustion is something else. My husbands sister has the hereditary form too, hence why I worry this is my DH as he has other symptoms too. He's a stubborn old gits though, so,getting him tested is a battle in itself

Does your DH have any stomach trouble or bloating, does he get pins & needles in feet & hands, poor circulation, headaches, etc etc - I can post a link for more info if it sounds possible

I think Joysmum made a good point. If he sees what you are saying as an attack, he won't want to cooperate. If you can convince him that his (current) behaviour is a problem, not his (permanent) character, and that you want to improve things for everyone, not just make him do what you want, then you might get further. (It might also help to express your feelings of distress about the situation rather than the feelings of anger resulting from that distress.)

You might just feel like he is rubbish now, and so dislike him, but is that because of some unchangeable aspect of his character, or is it because of his current behaviour? If he could go back to being the guy you knew before, would you still dislike him?

Good luck trying to get through to him.

You get less sleep than him.
He isn't helping himself.
He isn't helping you.
He's taking his bad tempers out on you and the children.
He appears to be disengaged from the children.
He gets large amounts of time to himself whereas you don't.

And this is all understandable apparently . Along with so many stories of men behaving like this. There is definitely a lower bar of behavior being applied here.

No really it isn't understandable. Why should this acceptable? He's an adult.
He needs to pull his weight. He needs to work with you as a team.

(Oh and its OK to set your boundaries about how to raise children. I'm pretty certain no-one would have blinked an eye about him saying that he would go back to work after having children for example).

I have no expertise but this charity helped a largely functioning PTSD sufferer I know (ex army with combat)
www.ptsdresolution.org/

It sounds like it's time for you and him to have a serious chat.

His behaviour is not based on his hours as a postman. He is getting the right amount of sleep from what you say. It is more likely due to either: a personality type (he would have been like this before) and/or depression (which may have resulted from the end of his active service).

Either way, you are at the point where you need him to make changes. It's not acceptable for him to shout, swear, get angry and walk out on you.

How he responds to your talk is crucial.

If he understands this is wrong, but he is having trouble controlling it great: he can get help. You can help him get help from the gp/counselling. But he needs to be on board - this can't be forced on someone.

If he gets angry yet again and refuses to see it is unacceptable, then you may need to find another solution. Think deeply: was he like this before? Is it something you want the children to experience as they grow up? What will happen when you break after not getting any support from him? He will not change without getting help. Refusing to get help is not fair on you and the children. It might be you will need to separate for a while so he can make a choice. It could be he doesn't cope with family life and never will. But financially I'm not sure how you would go about this.

Hi OP - have read through your thread and apologies if anyone has already said but also try SSAFA as a means of support (They have a helpline available as well as face to face) Without active service and the possibility of ptsd, transition to civvy street is tough tough tough for all involved + he didn't want to + house move + maternity + new job and way of working. That's a massive lump of changes for all of you, including issues of identity (who he is and place in the world) I don't mean like poor him, boo boo - it does sound like he is being horrible and I wouldn't be putting up with it long term either - young children are lovely, as you know, but if you have a partner I think it's right to expect a team effort!

RockinHippy what you've said about B12 deficiency/pernicious anaemia sounds like it might be the problem, I would be grateful for a link to useful websites.

I'll be honest, I'm struggling to remember what we were like as a couple before children, as strange as that sounds. Obviously we had lots of time together and had "date nights", holidays etc.
I tried to get a GP appointment earlier but they only had a time this morning which is no good.
I don't want us to break up, divorce etc. Apart from the fact that I love him and want us to be a happy family, I have no idea what I would do financially, where I would live etc.

It doesn't sound like he helps himself much.

• Goes to bed at around 9pm but prats about on his phone playing games for ages - so when does he actually go to sleep? BTW I've worked similar hours to him and it's fine provided you actually get to sleep early (as oposed to going up to bed early but still having screen time).

• Was given ADs but didn't take them properly then stopped taking them at all

• Was offered counselling, went once and decided it was a waste of time

• There are charities out there to help and support ex-service personel but no mention that he's contacted any of those.

And on top of all that

• he had a couple of days as a SAHD but couldn't hack it at all.
• He takes his moods out on you
• You fear starting a conversation because it'll get his back up and cause an argument

The trouble is that unless he recognises he has/may have a problem and seeks help, and is prepared to discuss his issues with you in an adult manner, I can't see what you can do.

Honestly, he sounds like he might be depressed to me. In fact he was diagnosed with it once, and it was never resolved.

Depressed people do not act rationally. They do not do what is good for them. It's no use saying 'he shouldn't stay up if he's tired' - he doesn't know how to help himself.

The use of phone sounds like compulsive behaviour that he's probably not even enjoying.

He may need more sleep than you. He may not be getting good sleep.

However, his reaction to diagnosis last time does suggest that he finds it difficult to accept help. Perhaps he sees depression as weakness rather than illness. The drugs to treat depression can take 4-6 weeks to start working, and there may be side effect such as nausea in the early days that makes him want to stop taking them.

I really do think that you should treat this as something he is not intending to do, that needs compassion. And no, it's not fair that you are coping and he is not: it's not fair on him either, he hasn't chosen this.

You can't resolve anything for him, but you can tell him that you love him, but you think he is unhappy and you are concerned about your future. Ultimately he is the one who will have to take action, and that is very hard for a depressed person to do. But telling him he's unreasonable, that he should cope, that it's his fault, certainly won't spur him in to positive action. TBH even if he's not depressed, that's pretty much a sure-fire way to kill anything remaining in your relationship.