If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[rubmytrotters]

Yeah - yes, 2 rows is a bit odd isn't it.

When I was talking to DP, I said this was because I didn't like confrontation or arguing and he pointed out that I have absolutely no problem arguing with him or confronting him if I'm not happy.

[rubmytrotters]

Hazy - well I can only take his word for it. He was visibly concerned that I was so upset last night. And despite everything DM said about him he says he would never stand in the way of her seeing her DCs.

[Nanny0gg]

I was mostly on your DM's side until your update.

More manipulation.

You need to have a calm, rational talk with your DF about all this (with you as adult, not 16 year-old)

She is unhappy but being ridiculous.

[PhoenixReisling]

If you are feeling happier despite the upset from yesterday evening, this speaks volumes.

Your mother is manipulative and the whole statement of im going to move is BS! She is using every tactic, to draw you back into place. Don't back down.

[rubmytrotters]

I doubt speaking with DF will improve the situation to be honest though I can't avoid talking to him about it. He'll get very defensive of DM, he has done in the past which is only normal I suppose.

I don't want this to get even worse (if that's at all possible) If I was a right bitch I could let loose with all the things I've been bottling up over the years - feeling like a carer for my mum because he still works away at 67, resentment towards my fucking useless brother who can't be called on to be any kind of support or help. Bascially if we didn't live next door then DF wouldn't be able to work away. Even before DM was diagnosed with breast cancer (2yrs ago now, finished all her treatment) she was often poorly and still often is. I'm here for her when he's away in the middle of the bloody desert.

[rubmytrotters]

Phoenix - I meant I've been feeling happier in recent months since I've been working part time. I'm not happier since I've spoke to DM. Didn't explain that very well.

[newname99]

I think your DM is projecting her feelings and unhappiness, she has a very limited life outside you.

your df gets to live the life he wants as your role was 'partner' to your DM.When you stop being the main person in dm's life your mum & dad will have to face up to life together.

I find it interesting that your ds isn't keen to stay overnight (if she's groggy in the morning then she should she be offering to keep overnight?) do you think he might feel a little like your partner does about smothering? My ds would be similar as he's more constrained that my DD who laps up nanny's attention.

I think you are having to rip the bandage of a festering wound, it's painful but ultimately will be for the best.Allow time for some healing but it will be OK in the end.

I would encourage your df to support you mum in getting outside interests, I'm sure he doesn't relish being her sole companion for the next 20 years and it really would be in her best interests.I feel she has made you central to her life as she is afraid to venture into the world herself.

[rubmytrotters]

new - I think DS does feel a bit suffocated by DM actually. He's not an overly tactile apart from with DP and I. DS on the other hand gives out free hugs to people in the supermarket!

[CPtart]

This all sounds so familiar.
SIL and BIL live next door to PIL who have no concept of boundaries or the fact that a younger couple may want to ever do anything without them. They are round everyday to see the GC (now almost teenagers and a bit fed up of it!) and also let themselves in/make continual comments on the way SIL and BIL live their lives. FIL even made a gate between the fences for easier access!
However they have provided free on-tap childcare over the years and been very generous financially, so IMO SIL and BIL can't have it both ways. They will also be responsible in my view, for taking on the vast majority of any care PIL may need in the future, rather than DH who lives an hour away and has been treated far less favourably over the years (as have our DC but that's another story).
BIL moans a little but knows which side his bread his buttered. He chose to move there after all. SIL is shrouded in FOG, fear, obligation and guilt and terrified of upsetting MIL who has also had breast cancer.
The saddest thing is that because of the complete over involvement and encroachment of PIL on the GC over the years, they do not have have that special grandparental relationship. There is no novelty in seeing them. They are increasingly more of an irritation and dont want them tagging into every activity.
We have struggled over the years but I can proudly say we're not beholden to anyone.

[DrDreReturns]

CPtart I too know of a family who live next to their grandparents with a gate between the gardens for easy access!

[witsender]

Now I would back right off and build relationship with your DH. My parents are just the same, even down to the getting dad to tell me off, even if I fall out with my adult sister.

If they call, just stay calm and only talk to them if you want to. Tell them you love them, but think you and your partner are not being unreasonable to want a little privacy in your home, and that is all you are asking for. If they cannot respect that that is their issue. This is not your partner's fault.

[rubmytrotters]

Thanks everyone.

I'm don't feel beholden to them. Yes they've helped out financially but to be perfectly honest I could have very easily have taken advantage of their kindness over the years as they have offered money for all sorts and I've often refused. Apart from one time when I asked Dad for a loan of £100 to put towards a college course (I was about to miss the cut off date if the fee wasn't paid) I haven't asked them for a penny. Think I mentioned up thread that DF took the huff because I wouldn't let him buy me a new car !!! DM looked after DS (at her insistence) for 3 months before I went back to work after maternity leave and then she fell ill. Apart from the occasional day out (which they've suggested, not DP and I) with the kids, DM would maybe only watch them for an hour if I had to nip out to the shops or something so we've not relied on them for childcare.

[sonjadog]

I'm sorry this is continuing. I suggest you refuse to engage in this any more. You don't have to listen to comments about your DP made by your DF and DM. You don't have to talk to your DF about this situation. Just say no and walk away. They will get used to the new situation when they realise that you won't be guilt tripped into doing what they want. I think you need to detach your life from them a little more. I think your DP sounds like a good guy.

[DistanceCall]

Your mother is trying to control your life and to come first. She doesn't like your DP because she perceives him as a threat. So far you have put your mother first - but now you are doing the right thing (i.e. taking your DP's - and your own - needs into account too), and she's kicking up a fuss.

You're not the same girl you used to be? No, it's called growing up. You're no longer her little girl. You're a woman, with a partner and a child, not only her daugher.

Your partner decides everything and controls your life? What she actually means is "I don't get to decide everything and control your life". And she doesn't like it. She expects you to be the dutiful Catholic daughter who takes care of her while her husband is away, whose house she treats as her own, and who has absolutely no boundaries.

Again, you're doing the right thing (i.e. putting your foot down), and your parents aren't liking it a bit. That's their problem, not yours. (And the threat of moving is oh so clearly just a bluff).

Ask your husband for support - as I said, it seems quite clear that he loves you. And stick to your guns, with him.

[DistanceCall]

By the way, telling your parents about the things you've been bottling up for years doesn't make you a right bitch. It's called telling the truth.

[ScaredOffMyBoss]

Well done for sticking to your guns I definitely think you have done the right thing. I know you will be, but be gentle but firm with your DM. If she's been used to abusing boundaries for 20 years all this is going to come as a shock to her. So don't back down but let her know you love her and you're not cutting her out of your lives, you're merely imposing a few house rules to keep everyone happy.

If she starts antagonising you over the phone or bad mouthing your DP again you could say: "Let's talk about this when we can both be civil in a few days. I don't want either of us saying hurtful things to the other over a situation that's been completely blown out of proportion." Or something like that.

She will come round she's obviously 100% reliant on you and you sound like a brilliant daughter. Please don't feel guilty about any of this.

[MaybeDoctor]

Most of what I would say has been said already, but what I would say is that 'she can't change at 67' is not necessarily true.

My MIL is 66 and in the last few years she has sold a house, completely renovated another, learned to swim, begun a new hobby, moved from an area where she had lived for 40 years and is now looking for a pt job. Oh and she is a shy, modest, single woman who has experienced many setbacks in life.

Your mum can start a hobby or do something, at the very least. She sounds highly manipulative and, to be frank, shows very little moral judgement in continuing to welcome your brother.

[BertPuttocks]

I can relate a little to how your DP must feel. I had the male equivalent of your DP's 'evil stepmother'. Absolutely nowhere in the house was private, and he would either be bursting into our bedrooms or listening outside the bathroom. The thought of someone randomly walking into my house now would have me on edge all the time.

When I finally stood up to my own mother about other issues, her response was also to blame my DH for anything and everything. The accusations were laughable really. What it really boiled down to was that she was blaming DH for the fact that I wasn't putting up with her anymore and she was using the opportunity to launch a character assassination on him.

I would be prepared for a sudden worsening of health from your mum. Not because she's actually ill but because she's trying to pour on more guilt and pull you back in.

[rubmytrotters]

I saw them very briefly this morning as we were heading out for the day and the dcs nipped through to say good morning. My brother was there (ironically things seem to have improved with their relationship just as this has all happened !) I was supposed to get a heads up if he was coming out to visit because of the circumstances but they didn't let me know, so if the kids had asked to go through to see Gran and I'd sent them through themselves then I wouldn't have known he was there.

Fortunately that didn't happen and they were just jumping around in the garden as we got stuff into the car. Things were a bit frosty but I made a point of reminding the kids to say goodbye to Granny and Granda. I'm not going to be petty.

[DistanceCall]

So being on the sex offender list is less serious in your parents' eyes than asking them to respect your privacy?

Your parents do have a very odd idea of right and wrong.

[Atenco]

"I'm guessing that's because these are the two times you have actually stood up to her? I don't think two rows with your mother in 42 years sounds healthy at all!!"

Yeap, I presume it is this type of OTT reaction that trained you to behave. At first I didn't like your DP from your description of him not liking other people in general, but I like him more and more as this thread goes on and, frankly, I am so glad you are finally putting boundaries in place with your mother. Maybe the next boundary you need to put up is for her to keep any negative feelings she has about your DP to herself, that what goes on in your marriage and how you live your life is your business.

And yes to being able to change at any age, if the interest is there. A good friend of mine managed to take on board criticism and make some major changes in her behaviour at the age of 78.

[rubmytrotters]

Distance - they've been extremely tolerant if my brother over the years. He had brought all sorts of problems to their door abd they still want him in their lives despite having said several times that he's had his last chance. He's not married, no partner and no kids do feel if they turn their backs on him now then he'll have nothing.

DP made a good point earlier actually, he asked me if I thought they would drive to the other side of the city and just walk into my brother's flat unannounced. Geography shouldn't really come I to it.

[rubmytrotters]

DP also seems to think the things will all calm down but I think too much has been said now. I'm also getting really upset because I'm looking at a lot of the comments on here and it's making me look at her behaviour in a way I haven't before. Then I feel guilty and think I'm being too harsh.

[DistanceCall]

Things will likely calm down because I really don't think that your parents will seriously consider moving. It's too convenient for them, having you and the children nearby. But your parents will try to force you to return to the status quo. You can't allow this.

Again: you have done nothing wrong, and it's your parents who are being completely unreasonable. You're feeling guilty because for such a long time you have put your mother ahead of you and your family, and because she's taking advantage of your guilt. It's normal, but please don't back down. She can't rule your life (nor should anyone. But in this case she's the only one trying to manipulate you).

You have upset the applecart, but the applecart wasn't fair on you and it was killing your relationship with your DP.

[DistanceCall]

Oh, and your brother gets into really serious trouble and he's given endless opportunities. You tell your mother to please respect your privacy and they kick up a fuss. And your DP is absolutely right that your mother feels entitled to breach your privacy but not your brother's.

I would be furious about the difference in treatment. Your parents probably thing that it's "normal" because you're the dutiful daughter (i.e. a woman, not a man) and boys will be boys or something like that. No wonder you have plenty of bottled up anger.