If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[5BlueHydrangea]

I can understand where you're coming from. About 5 years ago we moved near - 5 minutes walk - to my parents. When we did my dh was very clear he didn't want them dropping in all the time unannounced. Did not want to see them daily etc. to be honest I don't want that either! So we had a conversation to establish boundaries.
My Dad did just come in a couple of times and it made me feel really uncomfortable, even though I have done that at theirs many times and they are ok with it. Now I always ring the bell and then go in so they don't get a shock!
Now my parents pop round once or twice a week. Are careful not to overstay their welcome and wary if my dh is there. On occasion we have locked the door just in case if we don't want visitors!

[rubmytrotters]

Well it's 8.44am and so far no uninvited visitors !

I'm hoping she calms down a bit as I can't handle bad atmospheres but I won't back down. Things couldn't carry on as they were as DP was walking around with a permanent scowl.

She mentioned DD staying with her one night so I'll maybe arrange that over the next few days.

[DistanceCall]

Well done, OP!

[PhoenixReisling]

I can't believe well I can that she would pop in before 9am

[Nanny0gg]

How can your DD stay with her?

I thought one of the main problems was that you couldn't let your children go there without one of you because of your brother and you couldn't guarantee that your mum would follow the rules?

[HPsauciness]

It sounds like it has all come to a head, but ultimately, it is your mum and dad's choices that are causing their distress. Had your mum been much more respectful and knocked/called to see if it was convenient, then your husband might have kept out of the way but been fine with them coming over. I don't know the situation with the brother on the sex offenders register, but again, if they were extremely reliable and stuck to their word and never ever let him come when the children were there, there would not be an issue.

I have a very entwined and close family and my husband is from abroad so no family around at all. Boundaries emerge over time, but my mum has never ever just walked into my house- always rings, or knocks and wait to be answered , in case someone is in their underpants or its not convenient.

On the other hand, I am fiercely protective of my mum and if my husband said I couldn't see her in my own home, I'd go ballistic, or rather I' d just leave him. No-one blocks my family out because they are just feeling in a bit of a bad mood, they can go upstairs or out, but that's because it's not all the time (once a week) and also they would only come if he was ok with it. I also won't have digs against my mum when she's paid for so much, done so much childcare and been 100% supportive to us over the past few years. My husband does actually like her though he does see her as more flawed than I do:)

In terms of involvement- he can opt out of anything except key family events for me, so weddings, funerals, Christmas and Easter and anything I think he needs to attend. This is once or twice a year though. The rest of the time, we're happy if he comes, happy if he has some time to himself, and I think that's made him more flexible about wanting to do stuff- it's just not that big a deal hanging out with my family any more.

I think you have to find a way to balance your husbands need to live a private family life with your need to be close to your family (it's not all about your mum's needs, is it, it's also yours).

[TheOddity]

"ultimately, it is your mum and dad's choices that are causing their distress"

What HP said. Let the dust settle, and don't apologise for your stance, as you are in the middle of everyone else's fuck ups and it's not your fault. If they want to some round, they need to accept your boundaries and if they want the grandchildren at theirs, they need to accept your very reasonable conditions which are really only there as a consequence of something your brother did.

[rubmytrotters]

Nanny - my brother lives about 12 miles away and doesn't drive, not the best public transport between him and us so he normally doesn't just turn up and when he is at their house it's normally during the day and they've warned me in advance. Dd could only stay on the condition that my brother was not visiting . It reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle I know. I often wonder how exactly things ended up like this.

[WetLettuce123]

Well done for sticking to your guns with your mum. Has she made contact with you today? How's your DP reacting to all this?

[ScaredOffMyBoss]

Hope you're OK.

[MistressDeeCee]

Men who don't like anyone are not good men. Sorry, they just aren't - they want you to isolate yourself and be with them, then when you are they make life a misery anyway. If he doesn't like your mum then don't accept money from her. & She is your DCs grandmother, not some random. Yes she could knock and wait but even if she does that, mark my words he will find another way to have a dig and be sarcastic. Hopefully the DCs will continue to have a lovely relationship with their grandparents, grow up and then roll their eyes blatantly when their impenetrable wall of a father keeps banging on about it

[HazyMazy]

Sounds like DM is living her life through yours and the DCs.

If she has no outside interests what happens once the DCs are older and not interested in DGM's visits.

If she is 67 you would have had another 20 years of her popping in, you will be approaching 50s/60 yourself by then.

I would try to move further away so visits are on a prearranged more formal basis.

[Abed]

Mistress the DP has done nothing wrong, everyone agrees that the mum's behaviour is not normal.

[rubmytrotters]

Well the situation deteriorated further last night and I spent most of last night crying and got about an hours sleep during the whole night. I feel as though I could throw up just now.

I let the dust settle yesterday during the day and phoned her about 7pm to say I was going to come in to see her with the DCs. When he is home (remember he works away 4 weeks at a time) my father normally goes to the pub on a Friday night so I knew she'd be home alone. We exchanged small talk for a bit and then she said "your father wants to speak to you btw before he goes back to work on Monday" I felt about fucking 16 and I'd been caught smoking ! I asked what she'd told him and she said exactly what I had said, that basically she wasn't welcome in the house. I said that is NOT what I said, I'd said that DP feels he has no privacy because she will come in unannounced. I do accept however that his reception of her has been frosty and therefore she hasn't felt welcome but I think that's because he's felt so fucked off with the whole situation. She said he may as well put a sign outside the house saying "DM not welcome"

She then said she'd spent the entire night crying, had thought of nothing else all day (neither had I btw). It then descended into a bit of a slagging match (from her side) and she brought up stuff that has obviously been bothering her for years. For example

• DP is controlling and decides everything to do with the children. I asked for specific examples and she couldn't give me anything. She mentioned the school WE had chosen for them. I asked wtf she was going on about. I wanted the DCs to go to the local Catholic school as it has the best reputation. Although DP and I were both raised Catholic, we no longer go to mass and DP was reluctant about the school as he is not remotely religious. DP accepted MY wishes. The DCs have not however been baptised (not a requirement for entry to our school) nor will they make their first reconcilation, communion or confirmation. They can do this if they wish when they are older. Also DP and I are not married. I know that all of these things are a major disappointment to DM as she is a very devout Catholic.
  

• DP decides everything to do with the house. Again she couldn't give me any specifics here. What little DIY we have done to the house has been a joint decision. I'm quite laidback and sometimes DP will take it into his head to do something (he'll normally tell me beforehand) like digging up the back garden to try and revamp it a bit. I'll be like "yeah ok, fair enough". I think she interprets my laid back approach as me not having a voice.
  

DP is a control freak - probably because of the above. If I have to be completely honest here, I would probably admit that when we first got together DP was the more dominant character in the relationship (if that's the best way to put it). But I wouldn't say that is the case now. If I'm not happy then he is the first to know about it. DP actually said last night that I'm the only person that puts him in his place. When I say no, he knows that that's it, End of discussion.

*She/DF don't have enough involvement in their DCs lives. They've never stayed over a full night with their GPS - Due to our finances DP and I rarely have a night out together on our own. This does annoy me and I bring it up now and then. What money we do have is normally spent on family days and spending time together, so I've not called on the GPS to do much babysitting. They had them in for tea, took them to pantomines, days out etc but never overnight. This really seems to annoy her. I said that I have never said they couldn't stay over. We have actually tried to get DS to stay twice, once when he was about 18mths and he was sick during the night and another time when he was about 3 and they ended up at our door at 10.30pm as DS was crying for me and wouldn't settle.


I was pushing her for specific examples of the above but she just kept on saying "everything, he decides everything ! And you're not the same girl you were. There's no laughter or joy about you now. You've changed from when you were a girl" . Here, I have to admit she probably has a point. I'm not where I thought I would be in my life at 42. I went to Uni, got a good degree but hated the job it led to. I was made redundant 6yrs ago and we've been bloody skint since then, finding things very difficult financially. I sometimes look back and wish I hadn't felt the pressure or expectations to go to Uni (more from school than my parents to be fair) and just found a job I had enjoyed. I'm very unhappy with my appearance at the moment (too many Mars Bars) and really need to lose weight. I don't see how any of these things are DP's responsibility. He's no angel (neither am I), we've had our ups and downs over the years and because of the close proximity she's probably seen and heard more than she should have. On the plus side, I now have a p/t job that I absolutely love.

She also said that they will be moving as she can't live like this anymore and announced that I would have to make more of an effort for her to see them. I have never tried to stop her seeing the DCS. Christmas is also apparently cancelled (we normally have it in DMs house). I honestly felt like I'd been hit by a tsunami at this point and said I was going to leave as it was descending into a bun fight. But I did ask her exactly what more she thought I could do to have her more involved with the DCs. She can't walk them to school in the morning (groggy and feels sick in the morning, various medical conditions, feels tired very easily if she has to walk any distance) nor can she therefore collect them. She doesn't drive so couldn't collect them by car. I've asked DS about staying over and he's not that keen. Am I supposed to force him to make her feel better ? DD seems quite keen though. I basically act like a fucking taxi service when my Dad works away and take her pretty much anywhere she wants to go (numerous hospital appointments, dropping off/picking up from supermarket, visiting other family members) so what fucking more can I do ?? I also listen to her complain endlessly about DF (oh the fucking irony) because he drinks too much, spends too much, doesn't listen to her.

I'm rambling now. Sorry if you're still reading this. It's worse than an episode of Eastenders. I couldn't stop shaking when I came back in and tried to tell DP how the conversation has gone.

[rubmytrotters]

DP is and probably packing his suitcase as we speak.

[PhoenixReisling]

You do realise that your mother is upping the anti now, don't you? She is trying to make you feel bad and give in.

Hold firm and ignore her tantrum. You do more than enough!

She is acting like a three year old that hasn't got her own way.....what did your DP say?

[PhoenixReisling]

Also, stop going to visit for a while, she has acted appallingly.

[Yeahsure]

Oh OP I'm really sorry, how stressful for you.

It's very hard to work out 'the truth' (I put that in inverted commas as there are different people's points of view).

If I had to hazard a guess I'd say you have walked out of one very controlling relationship (your mother) into another (your partner).

Only you know how true it is, what your mum says about your partner. Only you know, deep down, if he's controlling, if he calls the shots, if you are beholden to his moods.

If you feel, on balance, that your relationship is good and equal then really your mum needs to BACK OFF.

You are 42, your posts read like you are 20 years younger. This is your life, your kids, your house. She is way too involved in your life.

I think it's sad if you are not happy, 42 is not too old to be happy, have fun, try new things etc etc. But, again, only you know if it's your mother or your dp or both that is the problem here.

[rubmytrotters]

Phoenix - DP was laughing, but almost in a hysterical "I cannot fucking believe this" way iyswim. He says he kind of wishes he'd kept his mouth shut and now feels responsible for causing this situation.

I said it was unfair to expect him to just put up with a situation he wasn't happy in and I've probably been guilty of ignoring the problem so as to avoid this conversation with my Mum.

Just to put this into context, in my 42yrs this is the 2nd time that I've had a falling out with my Mum. That's how big a deal it is, hence the horrible sick feeling.

[HazyMazy]

Wow, DM got a lot off her chest there.
I would say she will be quite different the next time you meet her after off loading like that.

I could be quite wrong but wonder if your DB being on the Sex offenders list has really knocked her for six. Perhaps lowered her confidence for socializing, because she thinks people will talk, or something. Also the pushing for DCs to stay over might be related to this. If she sees them daily I don't see why they need to stay over.

I would make sure you have a quiet spot to speak to DF and ensure you get over to him all the points DM has criticized him for as he could be doing more to entertain her and go out etc so that you and DCs are not her sole focus.

She seems to have got the wrong end of the stick regarding your relationship with DP. I would just repeat that that is the case if anything more is brought up. And it is your life, not hers, so she should keep her views to herself.

[DrDreReturns]

Your Mum is definitely in the wrong. She needs to learn to mind her own business. Just walking straight into your house after knocking? No wonder your DP is pissed off.

[rubmytrotters]

Yeah - thanks for your post.

I'm not - Doris Day, skipping down the street with wee birds flying behind me - happy but I'm actually happier than I have been in recent years (until all this happened) because of my job and the satisfaction it gives me.

DP is a strong character but I don't think he controls me. I make allowances for his moods (he is on antidepressants and is in therapy) up to a point but I don't tolerate them if I think he's being unreasonable.

Reading back on all this maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just too fucking reasonable with everyone and I need to throw the toys out the pram a bit more often myself.

[Yeahsure]

Just to put this into context, in my 42yrs this is the 2nd time that I've had a falling out with my Mum. That's how big a deal it is, hence the horrible sick feeling.

I'm guessing that's because these are the two times you have actually stood up to her? I don't think two rows with your mother in 42 years sounds healthy at all!!

[Yeahsure]

YY to your last post!

[HazyMazy]

He says he kind of wishes he'd kept his mouth shut and now feels responsible for causing this situation

That sounds false to me!

You are def piggy in the middle, OP