If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[WetLettuce123]

I'm in a similar position to your DP. My DPs mum lives a two minute walk from us and they are incredibly close. For the record his mum is lovely and we get on very well. However our relationship has been tested because she started coming into our flat to clean it and help us (all very helpful and lovely and she offered) but it was becoming every day when we were both at work. It really started to get my back up coming home every day to my pants neatly folded. Even the tiniest a thing like a new salt and pepper pot felt an invasion and like a slow takeover was in progress. She was popping in every day for a cup of tea. As I say, there is no personal problem but I started to get so angry and feel I was being pushed out of my own home. I spoke to DP who could only half see my point of view and I suspect he thought I was being inking to his mum. Actually I see the honesty as kinder because if everyone has boundaries they are comfortable with relationships stay much healthier. He has spoken to his mum and now we have compromised and it suits everyone. I still feel like a horrible person though. It's hard but please don't dismiss your DP you are being very unkind to him. Your DMs tantrums would drive me up the wall!

[HeadTilt]

Your parents sound overbearing and for everyone's sake you need to find ways to manage this.

The obvious solution is to have the majority of contact and your parents' home. Would that work?

[boomboomchickaboom]

Your dismissing his feelings, not taking them seriously, saying he's wrong to feel xxx, basically your doing nothing to protect his feelings from being hurt again and you are prioritising your mum above your DH in lots of small daily decisions. This link is worth a read. www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5027_qa.html

[boomboomchickaboom]

Oh one important thing to remember is that just because your parents help you in certain ways doesn't mean that they can then ignore your boundaries. It's absolutely acceptable to accept a gift and still ask them to not invade your personal space. unless the gift has been given as a 'you can go on holiday so long as we can come into your house whenever we want' which would suggest issues in your relationship with your DP

[TheOddity]

Sorry but I'm with your DH. He may love them, enjoy going on holiday with them, but I too would be uncomfortable with literally an 'open door' policy. You are only seeing this from the perspective of it being your family. They are not his blood relations, it's different and he probably just wants a bit of privacy without his MIL walking in at any given minute. Lock the door, you've told parents to knock anyway. If it isn't locked, they will just walk in, it is too tempting. Just tell them in a jokey way it will give DH time to get his boxers on or whatever! This will make it feel more like his home rather than just a corridor to theirs. Also, I think your mum is very involved in the minutae of your life if she is asking day by day on updates, probably because you see her every single day. Could you try having a designated 'space' day so DH feels like one day a week he isn't going to have to be visitor ready and there is something to talk to one another about the day after? Familiarity does breed contempt, it is very true. He can't be that bad originally if he agreed to live next door!

[wallywobbles]

I will live 300ms from BILs and MIL but I couldn't live with your mum next door. I'd react like your DP.

Fact is you've not stepped up and dealt with this long ago and now he's developed a phobia about your mother for completely understandable reasons.

I'm afraid you are probably at the point where if your DM keeps coming over your DP will leave. Big girls pants on and lock the door. Tell your DM not to come over again. Ever. Contact at her house only until your DP feels he can cope. If you ever manage to repair this damage which I think is unlikely. I'm afraid I think you have been pretty disrespectful.

[TheOddity]

I disagree wallywobbles, I reckon most people who wanted to make things work would see a firm talking to** DM, some strict boundaries like locked doors and listening to other things as they happen as being very good ways to get things quickly back on track. But you do really need to start listening to your DH, OP. I also think you need to stop framing this in your mind as an 'issue' from his childhood. It's not, lots of us here are telling you we would feel the same and are very close to our parents. For comparison, my brother lived next his MIL and they could go a week without seeing one another, just like any other neighbour.

[WetLettuce123]

I agree it's not an issue from his childhood. If my DM lived next door to me I wouldn't want her in and out of my home like it was her own. I think it would have been a good thing if your mum had tried to come in and found the door locked, it would have been a wake up call for her.

I suspect your DP feels ganged up on by you and your family, as in, there are more of you so what you all say goes! Also it sounds as though you may have started getting the children to side with their GM? "But it's our house Daddy..." It's not great for DC to see their DF disrespected and disregarded daily.

[DistanceCall]

Your DP said that he doesn't want to see your DM in your house ever, but he's angry now. I think you need to lay down some very firm boundaries with your mother, and let your DP know. I can completely understand why he feels that he can't have his own privacy in his own home. I also understand your anxiety about your mother, but, as PPs have said, you and your children should probably visit her more in her own home than the other way round. Phone calls are also a possibility - presumably you can call her as much as you like.

Once your DP sees that you have stronger boundaries with your mother, I think he will accept that it's reasonable to have your mother at home now and then - just not every single day (even if it's only for a short while).

[DistanceCall]

And I agree that having your children see their father disrespected and disregarded is seriously not good.

[ricketytickety]

Sad to say, I'd probably blow a fuse like your dp too.

If you don't want the help then it isn't help. If a gift comes with requirements then it is not a gift.

Sorry your mum is unwell.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Oh Lord! the drip feeding is SO unhelpful.

This thread will now go round and round in circles.

Why don't you ask HQ to lock it op?

[LaurieLemons]

What on earth did he expect buying the house next to your parents? Don't see why he'd agree to that in the first place. My DP is a bit like this but we've just had to compromise. How about family gatherings/dinner he has to suck it up but you will ask your mum to call and knock before she comes over and start going to her more or just the DCs maybe.

[rubmytrotters]

Bibbity - what do you mean about drip feeding ? And if the thread is a problem then don't look at it or comment on it.

We've had a talk this morning. With regards to me referring to his childhood, this is something that DP has done himself when explaining his anxiety and need for privacy so I don't feel that I'm playing it up. But having read all your replies I see now that he probably has even more to deal with if there is "baggage" (for want of a better word) from his childhood and just the normal need for privacy that most of you have commented on here.

I said I would speak to my parents today and he told me to leave it rather than cause a scene but I said we couldn't carry on like this any longer.

[rubmytrotters]

Laurie - the plan was for us to live here for a few years, get a foot on the property ladder and then move to a bigger home a bit further away. Redundancies and financial problems got in the way of all that unfortunately.

[DistanceCall]

I don't think this is a lost cause, OP. But you really need to place firmer boundaries and be more respectful of your DP's wishes. His rudeness aside (which I think is just the result of his being fed up), he's not being unreasonable. I would apologise to him and assure him that things will be different from now on.

It sounds like you are a bit too emotionally entangled with your family of birth (and it's understandable now, given your mum's health problems). I'm glad you have seen that your DP carries his own, different emotional baggage and has his own needs which should also be taken into account. I wish you all the best.

[EvaDelectorskaya]

I’m with your DH on this one too OP, I think feeling that your MIL is liable to walk into your home at any time without any warning could make anyone on edge and cranky! There is no way I could put up with that from MIL, or DM either for that matter. And I am in a position where I have dealt with a lot of pressure from DM, who would like to be able to walk into my home like that at any time, but there is just no way I could have that.

[rubmytrotters]

Thanks Distance

I spoke with my Mum a few moments ago. It was as bad as I expected. She said he hasn't embraced "family" life and only wants to deal with me and the 2dcs and the four walls in our home. She said it's not a healthy environment for the DCs. She said she won't be back in the house. I tried to explain that our idea of family and what we consider normal isn't the same as DPs and I need to respect that. I can't have an open door policy if it's making him feel anxious or that he has no private space.

She got very defensive and said we should move.

Bottle of wine for me tonight...maybe a box.

[HeadTilt]

Well done, and sorry to hear that trotters. That's unfair of your Mum. Hopefully she is just being defensive because she is hurt. I'd be very wary of backing down. If your Mum persists with that attitude it would be hugely controlling.

Have some wine, let the dust settle and pop in with the kids in a day or two.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Well done for tackling it head on, OP. Your mum's response is irrational. If that's how she reacts to perfectly reasonable discussions then I am even more on your DP's side than I already was.

[AbbeyBartlet]

I remember your previous thread OP

do you think things have got worse since that happened? So could he be reacting to recent events, iyswim?

[PPie10]

I'm sorry it turned out this way, however your mums reaction tells you all you need to know about how right your Dh was. He's a saint for putting up with this for 20 years, he really is. I think it's time to focus on your own family now. Send the kids over to your mum, she doesn't need to see them in your home.
I'm sure over time your Dh will start to feel less secure about his home and begin to relax as well.

[rubmytrotters]

Thanks.

Abbey - this has been a long running issue for DP well before the latest developments with my brother.

I feel quite sick now.

[AbbeyBartlet]

From the sound of your DM, she isn't going to risk not seeing her DGC over this is she?

You have done the right thing

[wallywobbles]

My DP has pointed out that she's pissed off because she basically considers your house to be hers. He may have a point.