If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[PPie10]

I too agree with Still, you have great expectations from your husband but not the same from your mother. Even if she's popping over for 10seconds every day I can still understand how smothering and frustrating it is. She does seem to treat your house as an extension of hers, which is wrong and you seem to be ok with that.

He probably hates coming to any of your family functions because he's sick of seeing them yet again. It's probably all built up frustration. You really need to speak to your mother about respecting your family home and your husband. Maybe change this entire setup by asking her to only come once a week. Or you take the kids there everyday so there's no reason for her to come over.

I feel stifled just reading this, I can't imagine your Dh dealing with this for all this time. And him accepting financial help is as i said below some compensation for all the intrusion.!

[Piemernator]

I adore my MIL but good grief how can you not see that this is all too much.

I think that your DH is an introvert and you are the exact opposite. You just cannot see how anyone could ever like hill walking alone for example, I can and have actually done this. DH likes to do dangerous shit, he has canoed down parts of the Amazon as an example and been a bit Bear Grylls like camping in Africa. This does not appeal to me at all but I get that he likes it and wave him off.

Why don't the DC go round to her house as its only next door. I love time alone. DH has just been in Germany for 3 days. I love that man dearly but I am looking forward to him going to Spain in two weeks for 4 days.

I am very like your DH, I'm not actually unsociable I just like interactions in small chunks. DH took DC away overnight a couple of months ago and I was totally alone for a day and night it was wonderful.

[Salene]

Living new to the inlaws must be a nightmare

Id hate it , so can understand where husband coming from

Personally I'd move to put some distance between you all then things will most likely be ok again.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

OK, OP, your latest response you have explained you do totally understand where you DP is coming from without being dismissive of it as in your previous postings and you're now admitting your DM is hard work.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Yes, she's your mum but at the end of the day, if you are in a long-term relationship with children, they are the immediate family unit and they come first. Parents come second (barring emergencies). You really need to be showing your husband you understand and make some visible changes.

[fedupofpeppa]

I think people are being a bit harsh to the op here. Sounds like the issue is you are both just very different. You sound like you really want the closeness extended family popping by thing and he really doesn't. I think his view is probably more common but that doesn't help you if it's not what you and the dc want. It sounds like you have both tried to compromise a bit in the past. You by agreeing he doesn't need to attend all gatherings and him by moving close to your parents and letting them be so involved up to now. Issue is is how do you fix this complete difference in way of doing things and stop the arguments and pettiness which is creeping in. I think you need a proper chat somewhere away from home.

[rubmytrotters]

Salene - unfortunately moving isn't an option - unless it's my parents that are going to move. Too much needing done to our house to get it into a fit state to sell and no cash to do it.

I know I'm being more protective of DM as she was diagnosed with breast cancer 2yrs ago (mastectomy and finished all her treatment now). We all obviously got a fright. As my father still works away (4weeks away, 4 weeks at home) I feel like I've been left to carry the can a lot. Bascially he couldn't have continued to work away if we didn't live next door. I've spoke to DM about this and about Dad coming home and she's asked him as she does feel lonely a lot of the time. But he says he needs to give it another couple of years before they would be able to retire.

[QuiteLikely5]

I can see why you don't mind your mum popping in, it's a lovely gesture and it is very nice for families to be so close. I too would feel a tad resentful that my dh didn't like it, however I have not got the luxury of having that problem as my mother doesn't live near to me and I doubt she would care enough to pop in every day if she did.

Anyway, imagine you had a MiL popping in every day (I still wouldn't mind this if she was nice) but he obviously doesn't like it so I do agree you need to do something about it.

I would be honest, tell your DM that he values her but as a consequence of his upbringing he has issues with her coming in every day, suggest that you pop into her house for a daily catch up?

[rubmytrotters]

Still - well I'll need to have a more serious chat with DM and be less concerned with upsetting her and more concerned with getting DH's message across, won't I ? From his point of view, he doesn't want her in the house, ever. He's said as much. I personally don't think that's fair as the DCs should be able to see their grandmother in their own house if even only very occasionally. But at the moment I'll agree to pretty much anything to stop the fucking awful atmosphere in our house.

And there have been other issues in the recent past where I have stood firmly with DP against something my parents wanted so I don't always automatically side with them.

[HeadTilt]

I do feel for you with your Mum having been ill, but you can still support her without her coming over all the time. I'm sure your husband would be more accommodating if he wasn't being walked in on every day?

[Nanny0gg]

Can't your DC pop round to see their gran? Or she pops in when he's at work.
And does she have friends/ a social life? It shouldn't all be down to you.

But I do think your DP is being rude.

[Nanny0gg]

From his point of view, he doesn't want her in the house, ever. He's said as much.

If my DP said that whilst still taking from them he'd be told that it was him not welcome not her.

[PhoenixReisling]

rub

This happened to my friend. She lived a few doors away from her family, which was fine when she was single. She then met her DP and he moved into her house, he got incredibly frustrated as her DM would let herself in (she wouldn't even tap on the door) and walk into the house at all times of the day and night....they moved as one time she did this and he was stood in his underwear watching TV .

I agree again with still....you've admitted she can be difficult but you are pinning the issues on your DP. May I ask, is it easier to annoy/dismiss your DP over this than your DM? If it is, then the real issues are with your DM.

Your family unit far out ways that of your parents. If the children are old enough, get them to visit grandma themselves. Limit, the times they accompany you all to places and ignore her toddler tantrums!

[PPie10]

Why cant you take them over daily?

Ask her to come over once a week only and arrange which day it is.

That way both of them will be pleased. She still gets to see her gc everyday, it shouldn't matter to her that its not at your home. And your dh finally gets some peace and he can expect her on the arranged day, i'm sure over time he will be much more tolerant.

You also have to remember that not many people have this setup of family living right next door, so having this become the norm of her being so free to come and go as she pleases has really made you see this as your dh being the unreasonable one. In reality alot of gc see their gp only once a week or less but are just as close.

[QuiteLikely5]

Now I think that's a step too far saying he doesn't want her there ever!

Has she done something we don't know about?

Otherwise there's no justification for his words, sounds very unreasonable to me

[PhoenixReisling]

Oh just read that he doesn't want her in the house, ever. Also that your DM is alone for 4 weeks at a time.

Do you think he has reached saturation point? Sounds like he has had enough not minimising what he has said at all.

Does your mum have any friends/interests etc? Does she volunteer? Maybe, you could encourage this so you are not carrying everyone?

My DG is widowed and she volunteers. This has enabled her to build up a friendship group and is often away with them on outings etc.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

So now we get that he doesn't want her in the house ever. New information.

Cue increase in posters siding with OP because that clearly would be unreasonable.

And that IS being unreasonable. But I suspect he would actually cope with an occasional visit if it was on more normal terms and rather being foisted upon him whenever your mum wants it.

[PPie10]

he probably doesn't want to see her there ever because after 20 years he must be absolutely sick of it. I would feel the same seeing someone who doesn't respect my space every single day. i dont think he is being unreasonable, sounds like he has hit his limits.

op needs to step up and speak to her mother about boundaries.

[HeadTilt]

Is there more to this? I don't think it is common to have issues where you'd have to "take sides". Just wondering if your parents are quite involved in your family life/decision making.

Unless there is something else awful your Mum has done I'm sure your husband will cope with a more nor al level of visiting.

[rubmytrotters]

She's not done anything outrageous. I think he's just reached breaking point. What I interpret as normal parental/grandparent type questions {"How are the dcs doing today ? Is DD feeling better this morning ? How did the parents evening go ? " } DP interprets as her being nosey and interfering.

She's not the most outgoing of people, only really socialises with other family members and her sisters. I've mentioned OAP groups and similar but she's always been reluctant to try anything new and at 67yrs old I don't think she's likely to change.

[PhoenixReisling]

I think if she was encouraged to have outside interests that don't involve you, stopped popping over etc then relations between them may improve.

[rubmytrotters]

HeadTilt - I don't think there is anything else to this. He doesn't get the whole family set up because he never had it. His upbringing is just as foreign to me as mines is to him.

My parents aren't involved in our day to day decision making. My father can be quite a domineering character but I don't let him steamroll me into things. For example my car is really old and a bit of an eye sore but still gets from A to B. Dad was going on about me getting a new car (he'd pay for it) I said no several times. When I mentioned it to DP he got very annoyed and said Dad was interfering and I agreed with him. Dad was annoyed that I didn't take up the offer but he got over it. So they don't always get their own way.

[rubmytrotters]

Phoenix - I know what you're saying is right but I have tried with the outside interests but she's not interested !

[PPie10]

She's not done anything outrageous. I think he's just reached breaking point. What I interpret as normal parental/grandparent type questions {"How are the dcs doing today ? Is DD feeling better this morning ? How did the parents evening go ? " } DP interprets as her being nosey and interfering.

When you are at breaking point even the smallest of things are magnified and become an issue. If there was a healthy distance, he probably wouldn't even see this as interfering. It seems as though she mostly relies on your family for her socialising as well, which isn't very healthy for your family unit. Maybe think of it as if she didn't live next door then how much interaction would she have. At the moment it sounds stifling, and 20 years of built up resentment and frustration results in a huge problem like this.

[corythatwas]

Otoh I can see that the OP needs to make sure that there are boundaries in her house and that the dp's privacy is respected.

Otoh her dp sounds an absolute bundle of laughs- "doesn't care for a living soul except her and dc's"- I can quite see why she doesn't want to cut herself off from those members of the human race who actually add a bit more joy to her life. The OP mentioned that he wanted to take money from them for a holiday when she was less keen.

I would, however, be careful of treating the DM with kid gloves just because she had a mastectomy two years ago. The world is full of people who have had cancer treatment: there really aren't enough pedestals to go around. Yes, if she is actually having chemo at the moment and feeling rotten with it, but otherwise I would just treat her as a normal human being.