If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[IlikePercyPig]

I feel sorry for your DP and your mum's reaction has cemented that even further, she basically has no boundaries and she thinks that what she's doing is normal, it isn't normal and that'd drive me up the wall.

[Nanny0gg]

I think your mum has over-reacted to this and she needs to calm down.

How will your DF react? Will he be helpful?

[WetLettuce123]

So you have put a perfectly reasonable request to your DM and she have effectively thrown her toys out the pram. She isn't prepared to do what you ask and is almost asking you to "pick a side". If she's showing herself to be this unreasonable I'm even more on the side of your DP for putting up with it all for 20 years!

[Roussette]

It isn't normal. If it was, someone would come on here and say "my DM lets herself into our house every morning and my DH doesn't mind at all". No one has.

I would feel smothered

[PhoenixReisling]

Rub for you.

Please, please, please ignore the tantrum from your DM. You know the only reason why she did it, don't you? It's so you would run after her and say DM, of course you are right. Of course your wants/needs supercides that of DP.

You haven't done anything wrong. She doesn't have to like what you have said, or even understand it. However, she does need respect boundaries and that you are an adult that knows her own mind (and not use emotional blackmail so that you back down again).

[nauticant]

OP, the thread about your brother (you referred to it upthread) clearly demonstrates that your DM has a problem with boundaries. Although you have a problem with your DH, this might actually be a symptom rather than the root problem.

[stitch10yearson]

part of the criteria for choosing a dp, is whether they get on with your family. If they dont, then they have no business being your dp.

[Mrsnippycat]

OP, you've done the right thing in setting some clear boundaries. You can't control how your mum reacts to them and you aren't responsible for it either.

This thread has made me think though. I grew up living next door to my maternal grandparents and I don't ever remember them just calling in day-to-day. Obviously on birthdays, Christmas etc and if they were coming with me to get something when I was with them after school, but not just calling in for a chat. I dotted between the two houses all the time and whichever parent was home first would collect me from grandparents after school.

I think my dad would have felt the same as your partner - and I know that I would feel like that too in the same situation. Space and privacy is very important.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Stitch That's bollocks. You choose your DP because they are right for YOU, not because they get on with your family. Christ, I bet at least a quarter of people of MN based on these boards have issues with at least one family member, don't get on with in-laws, fell out with a sibling years ago. How many people do we see going NC with one or both of their parents on here? Presumably you don't think anyone should ever fall out with a family member either, because, you know, blood family is more important than anything else. I repeat, that's bollocks.

Added to which, pointless advice when the OP has been with her DP for 20 years, living together for 12, and almost everyone on the thread thinks the mother's behaviour (especially today) simply isn't normal.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Well done for tackling this with your mum. Her reaction does suggest that your DO was right about the intrusiveness.

Better stick to your guns now - don't get worn down by guilt trips or sulking.

[Nanny0gg]

Oh. Now I see why your children can't go to your mum's house on their own.

Your mum needs to get her priorities straight and boundaries in place.

Pre-arrange her visits to you or make sure she knocks if your DH is at home (which is what I do. I'm not his mum and it's his house).

And tell her to stop throwing her toys out of the pram.

[Roussette]

Agree with you Still . Half of us wouldn't be married if we had to get on with every member of our partners' family.

my family (particularly DPs, no longer around) put across that the family came first. i.e. my relationship with them and my siblings. Second was my DH and DCs. It was never actually said, it was just assumed!

I kicked out against that big time. As it happens my DH got on with them and my sibs OK so they were lucky, but no way should it be a criteria for being a DP. That's just ridiculous.

[rubmytrotters]

Well I've no idea what DF said when DM spoke to him as we've been out all day and tonight I plan on laying low with my bottle of colombard chardonnay and not giving a shit about the outside world. Thanks for all the comments, even those that said I was being out of line and disrespectful !

[Wolpertinger]

Oh dear, I'm afraid your DM's reaction has only confirmed that your DP has a point. She really has no boundaries or respect for him at all and has decided there is only one way to do families - her way!

Of course he has engaged with family life - he loves you and the kids beyond anything in the world, and amazingly despite being an introvert and his lack of experience of extended families he has put up with daily visits from your DM for years and gone to family events to spend time with family members he actively dislikes. This is more than most people would be prepared to do.

It doesn't sound as if he even has a shed he can go and hide in.

I was going to post something about 'if I lived nextdoor to my DM she would have a key' and then realised that even though I love her, I'd never ever ever live nextdoor to her. Your DP deserves a medal and yes, moving isn't a silly suggestion.

[NerrSnerr]

I remember your post about your brother. Personally I agree with your husband and would be really angry if my mil just let herself in the house. I also wonder if their attitude towards your brother is affecting how he feels about them?

I also notice you said that you usually argue when your children are in bed. Please be careful. I heard so many arguments while lying awake in bed, my parents thought they were being quiet but they weren't. It was awful.

[NerrSnerr]

You also said you want your children to experience 'normal' family gatherings. There is no such thing. It's normal for you, everyone's family is different.

[rubmytrotters]

That's DP now telling me that he feels bad that my parents have been upset.

Christ, I give up.

[rubmytrotters]

Nerr - yeah I know. I assuming normal for me to mean normal for everyone which is unfair.

I feel I've done pretty much everything I can do for the time being. I'm hoping things will calm done slightly over the next few days. There has been too much drama and stress in my life at the moment (with other things) without any added shit.

[eddielizzard]

i'm with your dp i'm afraid. ok not as far as the snide remarks, but i'd go mad if my mil was popping by all the time. i need a sanctuary, and it seems your dp does too, and that's getting violated all the time. she should only come over when invited. you can invite her over when he's not there - let him know tho!

your mum's reaction is emotional blackmail instead of trying to understand his point of view. not great.

go have that bottle of wine and sit in a nice hot bath. things will settle down and your mum will get used to the new boundaries.

i still don't understand why your kids can't go and visit granny though?

[NerrSnerr]

Eddie- the op has another thread about her brother it might be worth reading. They can't visit granny without the op or her partner.

[sonjadog]

I think you have done right, OP. Reading through this thread now, I felt sorry for your DP and your mother's response shows just how important it was for you to set in boundaries. It may be a bit fraught for a few days but I am sure it will settle down, your DM will get over her sulk and your DP will stop feeling bad for standing up for himself. Keep the door locked, be breezy and pleasant, and it will pass.

[rubmytrotters]

Eddie - Long story short, my brother has been placed on the sex offenders register (as if life wasn't fucking complicated enough !!!). He doesn't stay with my parents but sometimes visits. As I live next door to them, I need to know if and when he will be coming to visit as DP and I have agreed we do not want him to have any contact (although SS said no unsupervised access)

[DistanceCall]

I think it's pretty obvious that your DP feels bad that you upset you mother on his behalf because he loves you and doesn't want to place you in a difficult position (despite what he says in anger). Which is good. But you might want to tell him that you think this is the position you need to take, and ask him to support you. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things - ask your DP not to make them even more unpleasant.

You have done nothing wrong and asked for nothing unreasonable. Stand your ground. And sonjadog said, stick to your guns and this will pass. You're doing the right thing.

[CandyFlossBrain]

She said he hasn't embraced "family" life and only wants to deal with me and the 2dcs and the four walls in our home.

You and your dc's are his family!

Your DM will calm down, but she needs to respect that your family home is separate from hers. She's in a wonderful position being literally next door to her gdc's, some grandparents are separated by hours, or even by countries from theirs. I wouldn't be able to relax at home knowing that my MIL could knock the door and walk in a second later. What if you and your DP are having some 'quality' time' on the sofa when she walks in?! In your shoes I'd start locking the door as default! She'll get used to it.

[eddielizzard]

oh god. tbh i'd be looking for a way to move. this is all just too hard. what a lot of stress. it was bad enough without your brother complicating things but now it's downright awful.

maybe it's worth getting an agent to value your house as is? have a really good declutter, paint the absolute worst bits.