If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?

[rubmytrotters]

Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.

I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.

My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.

He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.

Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.

I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.

I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.

I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.

[Atenco]

MistressDeeCee, I don't think anyone disagrees with you about accepting money from someone you do not like, it is not done. Even the OP disagrees with this. However there are a number of issues and at the moment her marriage is at risk. Nobody is perfect. I cannot imagine that the OP is going NC with her mother, but her priority, IMHO, is to insist that her mother does not enter their house without waiting for the door to be opened.

[MistressDeeCee]

I don't see why my opinion should bother anyone, there are loads of opinions on here. & tbh even without the childcare aspect its still not on. Grown adults taking money handouts then dissing the person they freely accept from, is enough. Perhaps its part of your DP's dislike, being really keen (your words) to accept the money from your mum. If my man disliked my mum that much I'd be making sure he didn't get a freebie holiday off her back, thats for sure. Its 100% hypocrisy. & you've described other unpleasant behaviour by him too. Maybe as he's man, he gets a "Pass".

I wouldn't want my mum invading my privacy either, and its something I would deal with bluntly. But one doesn't cancel out the other for me, she is wrong but so are you both. Thats about it

[rubmytrotters]

Mistress - you're really not grasping the childcare argument, are you ?

The last time my parents took the kids out by themselves was at Xmas to a panto. Their suggestion and the kids wanted to go. I spent my wild, care free afternoon ironing if I remember correctly.

The last time I asked them to look after the kids for a couple of hours whilst DP and I had an afternoon to ourselves was nearly 3yrs ago when we went out for lunch for my birthday. Hardly taking the piss by any stretch of the imagination. When my brother is on a bender he can sometimes turn up on their doorstep pissed and causing a scene (this was prior to being put on the sex offenders register and to be fair the last time it happened was about 6 months ago) so that's always in the back of my mind too. I don't want the kids seeing that.

[Snoringlittlemonkey]

67 isn't elderly Mistress by any means

Giving people things doesn't entitle you to ride rough shod over someone else's life.

[Atenco]

Mistress, it is good for there to be another point of view but the OP was at the end of her tether, caught between her husband's desire for privacy and her mother's lack of boundaries.

I'm a great believer in unlocked doors and people calling round when they feel like it, but I still believe people should knock and wait until you answer the door so, like most people, the solution for me was obvious, the mother should knock and wait.

I'm a mother and a grandmother myself. But in this case, allowing the mother to trample over this married couple's right to privacy was a threat to the marriage itself, which does not sound so bad.

[rubmytrotters]

Distance - whenever they have mentioned holidays before they have said that it would be good for the dcs. I think it has made DP feel guilty in the past, as though he couldn't provide for his children though in reality they gave everything they need. Holidays are an extra.

I spent hours in the travel agents trying to get the cheapest deal as it was my father's money I was spending. When I told DM the dates she looked disappointed that we would be away at the same time as my father. So in reality I'll spend most of the fucking holiday worrying that she'll fall ill when we're a 5 hr plane journey away.

[DistanceCall]

Mistress, the OP's parents are bringing a sex offender into their home without warning the OP so that her children do not bump into him (something the police and SS had worried about).

The OP's father is away abroad for weeks on end and relies on the OP to take care of her mother and her mother essentially has made OP and her family her entire life.

The OP's mother swans into OP's home any time she likes without even knocking or asking whether it's a good time.

When the OP asked her mother to be a bit mindful of her privacy, she berated her and her husband in a seriously unhinged way.

Yes, the OP and her DP perhaps shouldn't have accepted that money (although it seems to have been mostly for their DC's benefit). And perhaps they shouldn't live next to her parents. But as other PPs have stated, a gift is a gift - it doesn't entitle you to control the giftee's life. Either it comes with no strings or it's not a gift. It's a bribe.

Are you by any chance very fond of meddling in your relatives' lives, Mistress?

[MistressDeeCee]

OP - well..Im aware Im entitled to my opinion. I commented at the beginning of your thread, albeit in different fashion. Having read through, it now remains my opinion that you and your DP want your parents around at your convenience, ok for childcare when you want a morning or afternoon together to yourselves kid-free (even the timings of this being changed caused your DP to get angry fgs is he your parents' dictator?!) OK to supply you both as grown adults with paid holidays - and you did say, your DP is very keen to accept that money (hypocrite) but apart from that they must "know their place". Your family dynamics are skewered and its not just your mother at fault, thats for sure.

[rubmytrotters]

Well Mistress you're entitled to your opinion, it's why I posted on here after all, to get opinions, but I think I need to clarify a few things as you've either misunderstood or I didn't explain myself very well. Or perhaps you have read them and just don't agree.

I don't think I was painting DM as unpleasant until I gave the details of her outburst when I approached the subject of her knocking our door or giving us some kind of advance warning before coming into the house. Then I gave details, word for word, of what she said. It's up to you whether her comments paint her as unpleasant or a lonely woman grapsing at straws. I think the latter.

My father suggested taking the kids to buy a toy, not me, I arranged the time and day with him but it was his suggestion. I have never (and never will) say to them, "why don't you take the DCs here/ go and buy them X or Y". It's his money and it's up to him what he does with it. I think he feels he misses out on a lot because he works away and tries to make up for it when he is home. When they do go out shopping, I'm normally the one that's reigning everyone in and saying "no, that's too expensive". He once went and bought them a 13ft trampoline that cost about £200 without asking us. I have a tiny back garden and also hate bloody trampolines (as does DP) incase the DCs get hurt. He took the huff when I said "thanks for thinking of them but I don't think we can accept this". He took the huff when DP and I said we didn't want him to buy me a new car. I could have basically ripped the piss out of them money wise if I was that way inclined. DM will give me money for petrol sometimes but given that approximately half of my time in the car involves driving her somewhere or running an errand for her then that's fair I think.

I wasn't aiming to spend time with DP child free when I rearranged the time for the trip to the toy shop. I was aiming to be able to spend time with DP AND the kids (AM) whilst also giving my DPs time with kids (PM). I was trying to keep both parties happy.


My mum & dad bought us a new washing machine when ours broke, I didn't ask for this but it was greatly appreciated. As I mentioned my Dad is quite a strong character and tends to take over, I'm scared to mention anything to do with money or that I'm going to buy the DCs new shoes for example in case he jumps in and buys them. I have lost count of the number of times that I've said "no, we'll buy it or we'll wait until we can afford it". And he's took the huff because I've rejected his offer. They've gone on about us having a holiday for the last 5yrs and I've said no. This has been a difficult year so when he offered I accepted. I wish I hadn't now though the DCs are dying to go away I'm really not looking forward to it.


I'm giving DP the benefit of the doubt with regards to the remarks about DM (for the time being) as I've tried to deal with the problem that was causing him the most grief. If he continued to make remarks then I have a new problem to deal with don't I ! FWIW he's not said a thing about her since this all happened. Only that he wanted her to chap the door. When she was in our house she would often talk about my brother (registered sex offender and raging alcholic, not an uplifting chat as you can imagine) and his latest escapades, talk about how much money DF was spending, complaining about how much time he spent at the pub. Because she has so little outside interests, the things that she does have in her life, good or bad, is all she has to talk about or focus on. DP found that wearing. He felt that when she was in the house all she did was bring bad news or moan about things. I'm kind of used to it and just felt sorry for her.

I don't rely on them for childcare. Apart from a period of approximately 3 months when DS was a baby and I went back to work, they do not regularly look after the DCs. The example I gave about DM looking after the kids for an hour whilst I nip to Tesco is as more about letting DM have time with the kids and letting her feel "helpful" (her choice of words, not mine). It would be absolutely no skin off my nose if I had to take them with me. 9/10 I will. If I was using them for childcare then I'd be dumping the DCs on them and heading out every Friday or Saturday night. I have never done that.

You probably won't read this or reply to it but I wanted to clarify these things.

[MistressDeeCee]

You started off your thread talking about your DP being unpleasant. Based on what you said, most agreed then you switched it and began painting your DM as unpleasant.

You also mention she's lent you money. So, she's good enough when you want a loan/handout but apart from that she's to know her place and keep away

You arranged for your dad to take your DCs out toy shopping. Your DM couldn't go because she is unwell and groggy from various medications in the mornings. You then remembered your DP had a PM appointment so you swopped times, aiming to spend the morning with your DP - child free, courtesy of your dad - and then spend time with your parents in the afternoon. This wasn't good enough for your DP so he snapped

He digs and makes sly remarks about your mum all the time

Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go on holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think

I think the 2 of you sound like nightmares tbh. Both users. Your parents are there at your convenience, for money and childcare.

But you're going on about an elderly woman and thats the thing around here, isn't it? Slagging off MILs/mothers. So no doubt there will be agreement and justification.

Anyone who claims to dislike someone and their actions but will accept money and childcare from them is a born hypocrite and just as sly/unlikeable as the person they're going on about in fact Id be far more likely to believe the other person is pretty ok, in comparison.

[FrancisdeSales]

Sounds like your DF likes the regular breaks he gets from DM and may have quiet sympathy for anyone refusing unannounced pop-ins.

She is playing the "powerful victim" role where she rules the family through passive-aggression.

[cruusshed]

I would imagine that the constant dropping in is just the last straw for your DH and the only thing that he feels he can put his foot down on as it appears that most of your life is consumed with your demanding and controlling mother, - ie the lifts, shopping, hospital vistis, family days out, diy etc etc these must suck so much of your time and much more than the 15 mins a day that he wants to call a halt to....I think that he has been v patient for a v long time. Good luck - I am glad you have prioritised your DH.

[Wolpertinger]

So glad that this has drawn you and your DP into closer conversations and being more relaxed in your house.

Also v interesting that your Dad didn't actually want to talk about it at all. It sounds v much like your DM throwing her toys out of the pram and not accepting that you are an adult now.

[rubmytrotters]

Thanks Not

Things have been fine with DP. We've actually spoke about a lot of stuff the last few days that wouldn't have been discussed otherwise. For example, his reluctance to attend family events and his awkwardness when he does attend. The last family wedding we were at (about 2yrs ago) it was obvious that he felt a bit awkward and spent most of the time carrying on with the DCs. He wasn't drinking and so left the wedding around 7pm with the DCs. I was annoyed to be honest as I spent the rest of the evening looking at "happy" couples looking all loved up and I felt on my tod. When we spoke about this the other night he said sorry, but he'd left so that I could let my hair down and enjoy myself with my family without worrying about the DCs or him. I'd never looked at it that way.

[NotReallySureNow]

Sounds like it's the beginning of the recovery. You needed this big blow up for your DM to accept what you say and now she's being forced to respect your boundaries. Your Dad probably never wanted a serious chat with you about it I suspect it was something your mum said to try and make you back down.

Well done for sticking to your guns how are things between you and your DP now?

I bet by the time your dad comes back thinks will have settled and they'll just quietly accept the new rules (because they have no choice). It will be interesting to see if your mum is still so demanding of you whilst your dad is away.

[rubmytrotters]

Well I went in to theirs last night with the DCs to say goodbye to Dad who left for 4 weeks this morning and also as DM said he wanted to talk to me about the situation.

He didn't say a word about it.

I felt quite sorry for him if I'm being honest. He looked completely fucked off. I wasn't going to approach the subject, not because I was worried about what he was going to say but because apparently he wanted to have the "serious talk" with me so it was up to him to start talking.

DM was just talking to kids and busying herself in the kitchen..

We'll see what the coming weeks bring. DP said the relief he feels in being able to wander downstairs in his boxers can't quite be summed up in words !

[coconutpie]

I read your other thread. I know you responded to another poster and said your parents aren't toxic but unfortunately, they are. They have no respect for you or your partner's privacy by barging in the door without asking and calling in every single day (enough to drive even the most patient of people to despair), they have made you a carer to your mother even though she doesn't actually need one. And then the icing on the cake ... They want your DC around a sex offender and to accept gifts off him!!! I mean WTF. The Easter egg thing would have pushed me over the edge and I would have flung the eggs in the bin in front of your mother.

And then to make matters a million times worse, they just had said sex offending brother over for a visit without warning you in order to safeguard your DC. I mean WTF? I would be telling her those home truths you've been holding back on and I would be stopping contact until your mother cops the fuck on and apologises to you AND your DP. I also don't blame your DP at all for never wanting her in your home again. I wouldn't want her either inside my front door with that disgusting attitude.

I know this is probably hard for you to hear but you are under the FOG cloud, and going through cancer doesn't give someone a free pass to treat you, your DP and your DC like shit and put their wellbeing in danger. If she threatens to move again, tell her you'll help them pack up their belongings!

[DistanceCall]

And I agree. Once your father is gone again, your mother will start calling you for help.

I suggest you tell her to call your brother, as he's so wonderful and you are such a bitch.

[DistanceCall]

I have just read your previous thread about your brother, OP. As PPs have said, I would be FURIOUS with my parents. You mentioned that the police and SS were concerned about the possibility that your children might run into him in your parents' home - and that's exactly what almost happened.

And your parents then throw a hissy fit because you ask them for privacy for yourself and your DP? HOW FUCKING DARE THEY.

[BertPuttocks]

" My brother was there (ironically things seem to have improved with their relationship just as this has all happened !)"

If your mother has followed the typical pattern of behaviour that occurs in these situations, she will have been straight on to the phone to your brother to tell him how hard-done-by she is. If she has no outside life then he and your father will be the only audience she has where she can play the role of victim.

Inviting him round (or not saying no when he offered to come round) will have been done for two reasons:

1. To show you what you're missing out on. "Look at us being a real family without you!".
   
   
2. To punish you. "You're not one of us anymore!"
   
   You may find that once your father goes away again, she will be back in touch again with ailments and errands that only you can help with.

[HazyMazy]

It's surprising that DF is still working away when DM has been so ill. He might be saving for a great retirement but if there was a risk that she might not be there to share it you'd normally expect him to retire and be home.

I think DM has problems in her life but they are not you OP. Lack of interests, lack of husband's presence to socialize and plans things with. Possible worry about DB. Poor health. The only person who can improve this is her.

[JoanWatsonsWardrobe]

It suits your df that you support your dm every other month. You are not your dm's partner. If anyone should be walking on eggshells and worried about falling out, it's your df. You have spoken, one adult to another, to your dm and don't need to explain yourself.

Often on mil threads posters say to posters that it's a DP issue not an IL one. Your long overdue reaction has triggered theirs and I dont think it is a co-incidence that their relationship with your db has improved. They disrespected your wishes about your dc being around a sex offender. I can't understand why you haven't reacted more strongly to this. I can only imagine it's the fear obligation and guilt of your very difficult situation.

It will be difficult and different situation. I hope it improves soon.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I predict all manner of health problems, transport issues, diy problems etc, while DF is away.

"Poor Helpless Old Mum" mode will be enabled and turned up to max.

What will you do?

BTW, like another poster said, 67 isn't proper incapacitated old. She can manage her own life if she wants to.

[roundaboutthetown]

Well, your dm is a bit of a hypocrite and not so very dissimilar from your dp, rubmytrotters. She criticises your dp for wanting to keep things to you and the four walls of your home, but she appears to want to keep her life within her own idea of family, too. It's no more healthy for her to make no effort whatsoever to have a life outside her family than it is for your dh to want privacy in his own home, is it? She is 67, not 87. Either she needs to develop a bit more empathy for your dh's point of view, or follow her own advice and develop a more healthy interest in the outside world.

[curren]

Just read this thread. And I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

I do think your mother is the problem. The fact that your dp feels bad now resonates with me. Mil did some pretty shitty stuff. I lost my shit when we came home once. I told dh I wasn't dealing with it anymore. They have an odd dynamic. Never fall out. It's a cool, polite relationship.

He agreed with em and put his foot down. But I did feel bad. But then I realised, I hadn't put him in the middle. Her constant digs about our ds had. She had forced him into a position where he either had to let it carry on or put a stop to it.

I still felt bad that DH was in the position at all.

I think her rant down the phone was awful. Quite honestly I get on well with my parents. So does dh. He even invited them on our holiday. However I couldn't live next door to them. We are close and talk most days on the phone. My dbro is even closer. Even though he had his own house mum and dad cooked all his meals, did his washing, when he went for dinner after work they would have a packed lunch ready for the next day.

As soon as Sil moved in, they backed off. They didn't just turn up, knock and walk in like they used to. They would call and arrange to go visit. They didn't expect things to stay the same. They respected that someone else now lived there.

Your mum sounds like she is mad that she can't control the situation anymore. And losing that control is more important than anything else. Even you. The whole 'we are moving' is bull shit as is the 'I am never coming in that house again'. It's designed to make you back down.

It does also sound like she has learnt to use you to solve all her problems. You have kids yourself. Your dad may want to work a few more years. But he can't rely on his daughter to care for his wife to facilitate it. Especially when that daughter has kids of her own.

She sounds very manipulative and I can see why your DP is pissed off. Sounds like it's all just become a bit too much and he has reached boiling point. It's very possible that part of his issue is that he can see her manipulation of you. Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside.

Personally I would be fucking furious if my parents had a sex offender in their house, when my kids were there. That's awful.