AIBU or is bastard Ex-H?

[Jooli]

Ex and I have 3 DC 5, 7 & 10.

We have been separated for 2 years.

So far we've had a fairly amicable arrangement re sale of house and custody of DC.

He has DC 3 nights a week.

I realised a month ago he should have been paying a lot more maintenance than he has been.

Since I pulled him up on it he has decided he wants 50/50 custody of DC even though he works full time.

He owes me £600 in unpaid maintenance and has so far refused to pay as I won't agree to 50/50 custody.

I am really struggling financially and have less than £100 in the bank. I need to get car insurance as it ran out a couple of days ago but can't as have no money to pay.

I have explained this to him, that I cannot use my car and he is still refusing to pay.

I left him after I had an emotional affair. He had emotionally abused DD for years (shouting at her, leaving her out) and had an alcohol problem. He assaulted me when he found out about the affair but was never charged as he denied it.

It makes me so angry that he can pay to go on holiday, eat out, buy expensive clothes yet not support his DC.

Yes, it's galling. I've been in that situation myself for many years. I was paid a minimal amount of maintenance yet continually told how lucky I was to receive anything.

The only way out is to become financially independent yourself.

He is required by law to pay maintenance for his DC. The government set the amount, not me.

I am very happy thanks, genuinely happy. I am struggle financially as he is refusing to pay the money owed for his DC.

Love how a man can be emotionally abusive to a child, have an alcohol problem that ruins family life, seriously assault his wife and refuse to pay child maintenance yet I'm being jealous? Amazing

Sorry some people are giving you a hard time op. You were in a relationship with a violent alcoholic who emotionally abused your daughter and now he doesn't want to pay for her, that's absolutely crap. He is only pushing for 50/50 when he realised that he may have to contribute more financially, just to spite you, sounds utterly grim.

Op, maybe get this moved into Relationships?

Thanks Lumpy I've asked for it to be moved. I'm actually in tears now at the whole situation and that last post.

I doubt he'd be awarded 50-50 by a court

He is all bar 1 day a fortnight doing it already!

Jooli

3 nights a week is not a 3/7 of the week. It could be purely an evening and overnight.

Whether that's true or not, according to the information posted upthread, it still means his maintenance is reduced by 3/7. So, I repeat, OP: you said that if his maintenance was reduced by 50% if he goes to 50:50 he would be paying a lot less than he has been paying. So are you really sure that he's been underpaying given that by law he only has to pay 4/7 of the overall figure?

I work full time and have the children all the week. It is feasible and it sounds like he is almost doing 50/50 already. The bottom line may be you will need to get a full time job just so the family has enough money and security.

Also it may be a good time to settle everything, negotiate a full financial settlement including any division of assets and the house and any spousal maintenance for you or a clean break.

I agree he needs to pay his fair share. Hope the maintenance gets sorted.

When you mentioned the council tax further up thread. It made me wonder how you are managing your money? £600 is a lot of unpaid council tax. If you didn't notice it had gone unpaid by direct debit then it makes me question how financially savvy you are.

I don't blame him to be honest, he has them pretty much 50/50 anyway yet has to support them them and when they are with you. Much fairer to go 50/50 and neither pays child support.

Rather than look at making the situation better yourself you've decided he should pay more. Given the children are at school five days a week, with their dad three nights then part time working is a great luxury and one you can't afford.

If he works full time, pays his way with the children why shouldn't he get to go away or eat out. You chose to leave after your affair and work very little, as an adult you know the consequences of those actions.

Jooli I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on here, but I really feel for you. Of course your ex should be paying the maintenance he owes, and it's not your fault that you rely on that maintenance to pay the bills. In an ideal world you would be self-sufficient but it isn't as easy as posters are making out.

One step at a time. Contact the CMS. Can you suggest mediation to discuss the custody issue? It's atrocious that's he withholding money owed to try and blackmail you into agreeing. He's punishing his DC, not just you.

Thanks Castle, I don't rely on maintenance to pay the bills, but as I haven't had any maintenance for the past two months and am owed a lot from before I've had to use the bill money to support DC.

If he works full time, pays his way with the children why shouldn't he get to go away or eat out.

Except that he doesn't pay his way. He hasn't paid the full maintenance for three months. Nothing at all for 2 months. Yet he eats out and goes on holiday and that's perfectly fine?

Except that he doesn't pay his way. He hasn't paid the full maintenance for three months. Nothing at all for 2 months.

Presumably he pays when the DC are with him which is nearly half the time. OP I presume also doesn't contribute to this.

To say he doesn't pay his way at all is a bit disingenuous.

Oh FFS, he isn't paying the amount set. OP says the arrangements were fairly amicable, but he just decided to not bother paying even though he is apparently financially well off. If he wasn't happy with the financial arrangements, he should have spoken to the OP about it not just stopped paying. I can't believe how many people want to find excuses for this man.

Also, you presume OP doesn't contribute when DC are with him. Well, how about asking? OP, who buys clothes, pays for haircuts, school meals or packed lunches, swimming lessons etc?

I don't think it's fair to act as though OP can go from being a SAHM to suddenly paying for everything, even in a 50/50 custody situation.

This is not sexism by the way, I work full time and DH works 3 days a week. If we split I would have to continue to pay lots of his rent and things in order for the children (child in my case) to have somewhere decent to live. Of course I would pay his car insurance if he was driving my son to school and he had no money!

Having said all that you can't rely on people to act decently so you do need to get on surer footing yourself financially.

Love how a man can be emotionally abusive to a child, have an alcohol problem that ruins family life, seriously assault his wife and
Your children have contact 3 nights a week, he's either good enough to look after them and have 50 50 or he's not and they need protecting

The maintenance payments are a fair split

Assuming only one parent is responsible for the main aspect of clothing, living costs, hair cuts etc the NRP still pays for 50% of the food and anything that arises during their time with the children. They then pay another 50% to contribute to the RP costs of extra housing, haircuts. Same goes for the reduction on nights.

OP if you give him full 50:50 care, your costs will reduce as he will be responsible for the children on his days including any school trips, childcare etc. you can then say things like "I payed for the last haircut, you can pay now" etc. He will still pay you 50% to contribute to housing the children and you are free to work longer periods.

If you refuse to give him an extra day every two weeks it does sound like you are making the decision based on how much he should pay you and in that case You ABU

You chase the maintenance payments through the CSA (or whatever they are called now). He can apply through the courts for increased access if he likes.

I think expecting to b a divorced SAHM supported by your ex is not very realistic though.

I would also pay car insurance for an ex in this position (would be more concerned for DCs' safety than money rights and wrongs) but we are talking about a high earner who feels it's ok for 3 DC to (presumably) sleep on air mattresses or the sofa 3 nights every week, so I am assuming priorities are rather different here.

Lordy, tough thread.

I think it's a bit much expecting the OP to compensate for money that she believed in good faith would be coming in for the last two months.

And yes, I don't see why she shouldn't get a job, being a single working mother myself, but, i do think it's harder if she has no recent work experience, skills or connections, after being a SAHM for years. She can't just nip out and get one to cover back dated child support, living essentials, and new childcare arrangements etc. I had to pay DS nursery a 6 week deposit up front plus paying each month at the beginning. Where would she get that from if she's already scraped the bottom of her bank account with the unexpected stop on childcare.

This is why it's so ruddy hard to pull yourself out of poverty and debt, as you need a buffer to help you help yourself... Sorry probably preaching to the converted here!

I do think the OP has been rather naive in suggesting he's not been paying enough before realizing that you have to figure in how many days he needs to support you for. And I agree with a previous poster that you would benefit from some financial and budgeting advice. But not as an alternative to having money!

Good luck OP

Hi there, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now at the OP's request. So sorry for the delay.