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Original poster

AIBU or is bastard Ex-H?

101 replies

Jooli · 03/04/2016 23:15

Ex and I have 3 DC 5, 7 & 10.

We have been separated for 2 years.

So far we've had a fairly amicable arrangement re sale of house and custody of DC.

He has DC 3 nights a week.

I realised a month ago he should have been paying a lot more maintenance than he has been.

Since I pulled him up on it he has decided he wants 50/50 custody of DC even though he works full time.

He owes me £600 in unpaid maintenance and has so far refused to pay as I won't agree to 50/50 custody.

I am really struggling financially and have less than £100 in the bank. I need to get car insurance as it ran out a couple of days ago but can't as have no money to pay.

I have explained this to him, that I cannot use my car and he is still refusing to pay.

I left him after I had an emotional affair. He had emotionally abused DD for years (shouting at her, leaving her out) and had an alcohol problem. He assaulted me when he found out about the affair but was never charged as he denied it.

OP posts:
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 04/04/2016 00:54

Just out of interest, if parenting is shared 50/50, why is there still maintenance paid? Just confused as to how that works. I would have thought having the dc half of the time would cancel out maintenance and mean that each parent is responsible for their own finances.

MyFriendGoo52 · 04/04/2016 01:07

If he has them 50 - 50 he won't have to pay maintenance iirc.

Tbh tho he's already having them pretty much half the week, he can't be.that bad if you trust him to do that. Could you up your working hours when they arent with you ?? It may work in your favour.

CanuckBC · 04/04/2016 01:16

Where do the kids sleep if there are three kids and only one bedroom? Isn't there some sort of regulation around that in the UK? Here that would be fine in an every other weekend arrangement but not in a regular visitation arrangement like you have. My ex tried the same. Changed his work and the whole bit to get more visitation to avoid paying support, any support. It didn't work out for him and in the end he has ended up seeing the kids significantly less and has to pay. It was all his own doing in the end as my lawyer and the mediator saw through it. I am not from your country though so different story.

Hamiltoes · 04/04/2016 01:24

I don't think he'd have any chance of 50:50 living in a 1 bed flat to be honest.

I think the maintenance is for the parent who does the bulk of the buying for things that aren't everyday occurrences. So the parent who pays maintenance gets the reduction to take into account feeding and clothing the kids while they stay, and the recieving parent is responsible for things like shoes, haircuts, winter coats, swimming lessons, milk money etc.

Thats the way I've always understood it anyway. You can split time 50:50 but I can imagine the reality of sharing costs 50:50 might be easier said than done.

CanuckBC · 04/04/2016 01:38

Re your car insurance. You are being being unreasonable there. It's your responsibility to save and keep up on that, not his. Go through and get the support figured out and sit down with a financial person to figure out your budget. Is your divorce if you were married finalize? If not do so and make sure you are getting the child credits etc that you are due.

Get everything separated and dealt with. Your financials are your responsibility. He is only responsible for paying support for the children and alimony if it was warranted.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/04/2016 05:01

Why is he a bastard for wanting to spend more time with his kids?

And car insurance is a separate issue. It's your responsibility to save and be on top of your bills. If he's not paying enough maintenance, let the CMS chase him, but it sounds to me like he doesn't have a lot of money if he's living in a 1-bed flat and has 3 kids sleeping over regularly. That can't be much fun for any of them.

And I don't think him working full-time has anything to do with it either. Lots of parents work full-time and split custody. He can use childcare on his days like everyone else. It won't go against him if he goes for 50/50, anyway.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 05:10

have you asked him how 50:50 maintenance would look with him working?

I guess it will work the same way as single mothers who work full time and have their children 100% of the time.

Capricorn76 · 04/04/2016 07:11

I would let him have 50/50 and up my working hours to give me more financial independence.

GabiSolis · 04/04/2016 07:14

Sorry if I've missed it but is the £600 in arrears because he hadn't been paying the right amount (as you found out) or because he hasn't been paying at all?

He sounds like a shit but tbh on paper he doesn't sound that unreasonable. His motives might be financial but he isn't asking for anything terribly outrageous.

Re the car insurance, I would look into paying monthly for it if you really can't do without a car. Long term, is there any way you can increase your work hours?

Original poster
Jooli · 04/04/2016 07:34

The last two months he hasn't paid at all and the time before that he's underpaid hence me having to spend money for bills/insurance on food etc for DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jooli · 04/04/2016 07:38

Why is he a bastard for wanting to spend more time with his kids?

He's a bastard for not paying for his kids

If he's not paying enough maintenance, let the CMS chase him

They cannot chase for backdated payments

And car insurance is a separate issue. It's your responsibility to save and be on top of your bills

I am owed £600 and haven't had any child maintenance for 2 months

OP posts:
JonStark · 04/04/2016 07:41

Am I the only one who would do everything in their power to stop all access to someone who emotionally abused my daughter??

Original poster
Jooli · 04/04/2016 07:43

And yes he does have money, he's on holiday at the moment. He owns a 1 bed flat in a very expensive part of the city and works in finance.

Maintenance calculations are worked out as a percent of salary.

OP posts:
MartinaJ · 04/04/2016 07:44

*I realised a month ago he should have been paying a lot more maintenance than he has been.

Since I pulled him up on it he has decided he wants 50/50 custody of DC even though he works full time. *

You say he hasn't paid any maintenance for two months. Then one month ago you suddenly realized he owes you more for previous months? I find this turn rather strange. I smell the proverbial rat.

Original poster
Jooli · 04/04/2016 07:48

That is exactly what has happened.

I have no reason to lie about anything on an anonymous forum.

OP posts:
Thisisnotausername · 04/04/2016 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buckinbronco · 04/04/2016 07:54

It doesn't really matter why you split up, this isn't about you really. However, why would he pay your car insurance? You're separated now, you can't expect him to support you. He clearly doesn't want to. You have 3 children and don't work, you won't be able to afford things. Something will have to change. He sounds like an arsehole but do need to earn your own money to run your house and car. I know that's shitty by the way.

ManneryTowers · 04/04/2016 07:55

OP why does your daughter spend 3 nights a week with someone who emotionally abused her and who has alcohol issues? If these problems are still going on then none of the children should be staying.

I'd be more concerned about that than a car insurance payment I could have saved for. Car insurance tends to be due on the same day each year.

Capricorn76 · 04/04/2016 07:55

Well if it's 50/50 and he doesn't have to pay at all then OP can also up her hours or even work full time too and can be financially independent. It would benefit her in the long term.

Buckinbronco · 04/04/2016 07:56

Ah sorry I see what you mean about his maintenance payments being missed. If you're going to have to take him to court to to get the money I'd disengage totally and make him take you to court for access. No point playing ball when he's emotionally blackmailing you. Maybe that could lead to mediation.

Original poster
Jooli · 04/04/2016 07:56

Thanks for all the support and advice.

Tout and Martina, so a man can be emotionally abusive to a child and have an alcohol problem that makes family life a misery. Fine.

When a women has had enough of this and finds the strength to leave through a close friendship (emotional affair as I was accused of), not find at all.

Then he can refuse to pay the correct amount legally required for his DC and refuse to pay for 2 months full stop and someone smells a rat? Nice

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 04/04/2016 07:56

You can't save if you don't have any spare money

neonrainbow · 04/04/2016 07:58

Someone said up thread what sort of father wants to have his children more to avoid paying. Well what sort of mother wants to block reasonable contact because it means she will get less money?

Capricorn76 · 04/04/2016 07:59

Personally I think the fact she's more upset about the car insurance shows she's not really too concerned about the drinking and EA. I think she's exaggerated those bits as she's angry with him. We all do that when we're trying to get people on side.

I can understand why she's angry, not having money must be very stressful but she may have the opportunity to no longer be reliant on him.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 04/04/2016 07:59

When a women has had enough of this and finds the strength to leave through a close friendship (emotional affair as I was accused of), not find at all.

You have admitted you had an EA though in your OP. It isn't just 'accused of'. You have said it did happen.