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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU or is bastard Ex-H?

101 replies

Jooli · 03/04/2016 23:15

Ex and I have 3 DC 5, 7 & 10.

We have been separated for 2 years.

So far we've had a fairly amicable arrangement re sale of house and custody of DC.

He has DC 3 nights a week.

I realised a month ago he should have been paying a lot more maintenance than he has been.

Since I pulled him up on it he has decided he wants 50/50 custody of DC even though he works full time.

He owes me £600 in unpaid maintenance and has so far refused to pay as I won't agree to 50/50 custody.

I am really struggling financially and have less than £100 in the bank. I need to get car insurance as it ran out a couple of days ago but can't as have no money to pay.

I have explained this to him, that I cannot use my car and he is still refusing to pay.

I left him after I had an emotional affair. He had emotionally abused DD for years (shouting at her, leaving her out) and had an alcohol problem. He assaulted me when he found out about the affair but was never charged as he denied it.

OP posts:

ManneryTowers · 04/04/2016 07:59

OP you have not answered the point a few posters have raised. If your ex is emotionally abusive with an alcohol problem why are you willingly handing the abuse victim over to him for three nights a week?

MartinaJ · 04/04/2016 08:02

Tout and Martina, so a man can be emotionally abusive to a child and have an alcohol problem that makes family life a misery. Fine.

OK, while I never said anything on that topic, I am asking now: How come can you let your children spend three nights with an emotionally abusive alcoholic? That's 3 days out of 7 in the week, i.e. almost a half. And yes, you mentioned in the thread that suddenly it has largerly improved. A miracle, a miracle. Sorry, I just find it difficult to believe that an emotionally abusive alcoholic suddenly improved once his children are only partially in his life.

OllyBJolly · 04/04/2016 08:02

Sorry, I can't reconcile the emotional abuse of DD for years and the 3 nights per week access. No way would I let any of my DC spend so much time with someone who emotionally abused them. Or is this just thrown in to make him seem like a bad person and thus excuse your own behaviour?

It sounds to me like you haven't budgeted for car insurance and expect ex to fill the gap, with not very much notice. That is a bit unfair. You have to take responsibility for your own situation (which is more of your doing than his) and find your own way out of it. That might start by upping your hours at work or finding a better paid job.

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 08:04

I'm upset about the car as I am worrying about getting the DC to school.

In the past two years he's tried to change the arrangement about 6 times depending on which girlfriend he's had at the time.

He's had a lot of girlfriends and has introduced 5 to the DC which makes me uncomfortable.

At one point he decided he only wanted the DC every other week so that he could have a child free weekend with (very) new gf.

He's now been in a relationship for a while, 6 months or so, which makes me wonder if that's partially why he wants to change it again, and whether he'd then change it back if they split up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 08:06

It sounds to me like you haven't budgeted for car insurance and expect ex to fill the gap, with not very much notice

If he'd paid his child maintenance I wouldn't have had to spend the car money on DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 08:09

His relationship with DD has been a lot better. I think the separation really made him address himself and his behaviour.

He says he no longer drinks. While we were together he spent time on medication to help him stop. I really don't know if he has or not but I can't with hold access purely because I suspect he may be drinking.

OP posts:

Buckinbronco · 04/04/2016 08:12

The problem is OP, you can't make him pay his maintenance. He could stop at anytime. You can't allow yourself to be in a situation where you need it for basic expenses. It might take years before you're fully financially independent of him but it's worth making a start today surely? You've already been separated 2 years

CanuckBC · 04/04/2016 08:14

That makes more sense that he hasn't paid for the last two months. Is it court ordered? For so why can't they go after him for that? Time to get it together and woke on getting things fixed. Go for more time yourself. Is he living with the girlfriend? If so, again where to the kids sleep when they are with him. Is he still drinking? How is your DD trashed by him? I am truly concerned for her wellbeing. Has he groomed her? It would be recommended that she as a counsellor to help deal with the separation and his various girlfriends that come into his life and the on going changes and issues. You may be u pleasantly surprised about what comes out in the wash:(

Phineyj · 04/04/2016 08:17

You must get the car insured as you are risking paying out a lot more you cannot afford if you have a crash. Can you not switch to direct debit and go overdrawn? (I am assuming £100 in the bank is money not £100 left of your overdraft). Realistically, do you need to let the car go till you can work out a way of earning more? If you are London there must be public transport options? I think you need money advice mainly here - your ex is who he is & 'he said she said' won't pay the bills.

JassyAlconleigh · 04/04/2016 08:28

I really don't know if he has or not but I can't with hold access purely because I suspect he may be drinking.

If you are the slightest bit concerned that he's drinking then you must protect those children.

They will be far, far more damaged by being brought up by a parent who abuses alcohol than not being driven to school.

I'm surprised it hasn't been a priority until now.

I think you need to find ways of earning more money yourself.

I wish you luck sorting this out and in finding the strength to take more financial responsibility.

AugustaFinkNottle · 04/04/2016 08:38

I don't understand the maintenance calculation. You said that if he had the children 50/50, maintenance would fall to a figure well below what he's been paying recently. But he has the children 3 nights a week, which means his maintenance would be reduced by 3/7, which is very close to 50/50. So are you sure he's been underpaying

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 08:38

Thanks you Jassy.

I do work and have never run into financial difficulties before but the chunk he owes me has really impacted us.

I had a £600 council tax bill last month, they hadn't set up my bloody account properly, as well as paying for swimming lessons and school trips. It's been a bad two months.

The drinking was always a major concern. He didn't drink during the day (apart from weekends) but he just couldn't stop once he'd started and would often drink week nights too.

He sought help and was on medication a few times and he says he has stopped but I have no way of knowing whether this is true.

He had one girlfriend who smoked a lot of weed and there was weed left on the table in his house once within reach of our 5 year old. I went absolutely crazy and refused to let them visit until he could guarantee there would be no drugs in the house. He finished with her.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 04/04/2016 08:40

sorry but he has them 3 days out of 7 just one day a fortnight would be 50/50 and then he could cut your mainteniance personally i would keep the children and shut up about the rest .you will be the loser for one day a fortnight .

JassyAlconleigh · 04/04/2016 08:42

Can you have a conversation with him about drinking?

If he took the weed ultimatum seriously then he sounds immature but open to change.

Can you find part time evening work for the nights they're at his house?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/04/2016 08:43

I think he is making empty threats over custody to stop you asking him for more money.
If it went to court, then the fact that he has a drink problem and was abusive to you and your daughter, plus his full time job and cramped living arrangements mean he hasn't got a hope in hell of being awarded 50% custody.

Don't let him scare or threaten you.

Unfortunately, unless you take him to court which would be a lengthy process, the backlog of money he owes will not materialise. He is clearly not kind or compassionate enough to help you with your car.

Can you ask a family member for a loan for now?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/04/2016 08:46

3 nights a week is not a 3/7 of the week. It could be purely an evening and overnight.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 04/04/2016 08:50

3 nights a week is not a 3/7 of the week. It could be purely an evening and overnight.

Well yes as they would be at school for 5 days. That would go for the OP too!

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 08:53

It's not so much I want him to pay for my car insurance. I want him to pay the money he owes for his children as I've had to spend money for essentials (ie car insurance) to cover what he owes.

OP posts:

DreamingofItaly · 04/04/2016 09:02

I feel for you OP, and I agree with you that he is being unreasonable. To not pay for his children for two months has put massive pressure on you. Fingers crossed CMS can help you out.

On the 50:50 custody, he can ask for what he wants bit as its been said, a one bed flat, 3 DCs and two adults is going to be a squish. Personally, I get worried about the impact on the children spending half the week in one place and half in the other, it must be hard for them. I speak from experience of my parents divorcing when I was 5.

Plus, I'd be furious about all of the girlfriend introductions!! That is not on at all.

Good luck sorting everything.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/04/2016 09:06

I doubt he'd be awarded 50-50 by a court if he has one bedroom flat and plans to work/use his family as childcare - when the alternative is them being looked after by their mother.

I'd bet he's saying this to stop you chasing the money he owes you. I'd fight it - the DC don't want 50-50.

Jessbow · 04/04/2016 09:10

Can't win, can he? he has the kids 3/7, which is fine, and so near 50/50 that its not worth haggling over really. If the accomodation he has is acceptable 3 nights a week, what suddenly makes it unacceptable now?

You don't like it if he introduced them to girl friends...nor change the access arrangements to facilitate the opposite! A bloke with 3 children isn't exactly a good catch!

If you are assured enough that he no longer abuses DD, how come you are not assured he has stopped drinking? I am not sure I even believe the weed scenario unless you saw it yourself. I wouldn't know weed from dandelion leaves, so I am sure your children wouldn't.

splendide · 04/04/2016 09:15

I would say that (unfortunately) you need to try to set yourself up so you can at least manage the essentials without his input as he's always going to be unreliable. Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to?

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 09:20

You don't like it if he introduced them to girl friends...nor change the access arrangements to facilitate the opposite!

I feel his DC should come before a girlfriend he's been dating for 2 weeks. Especially when it's a new gf every month or so. At the time he was only seeing them for two nights a week. He had the rest of the time to date.

If you are assured enough that he no longer abuses DD, how come you are not assured he has stopped drinking

DD has told me their relationship is a lot better and she enjoys spending time with him. Short of spying on him I have no way of knowing his drinking habits apart from what he tells me.

I am not sure I even believe the weed scenario unless you saw it yourself

Yes I did see it myself, my DC have no idea what weed is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jooli · 04/04/2016 09:22

It makes me so angry that he can pay to go on holiday, eat out, buy expensive clothes yet not support his DC.

OP posts:

Jessbow · 04/04/2016 09:30

He DOES support his DC, he has them 3 days out of 7! And has a good and improving relationship with them.

If you can't afford the car insurance, maybe he has an opinion on how appropriately you spend your money.

Strikes me that there is quite a lot of green eyed monster going on here- he has so much better a life than you and you find that hard to hack..... yet the decision to part was yours.

No, you cant change the past, but you do need to get on and live, 2 years post separation, and not make everything his fault

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