To realise that dp is a nasty abusive shit

[midlifehope]

Lying here feeling very ill with headache and cough - been sweating all night. Asked dp to bring me a cold drink as I can't stand the light so can't get up. Have asked about 6 times. He hasn't bothered.

OP, sorry you have been feeling so rotten and I'm glad your parents are helping you now.

Only just RTFT and I'm staggered at some of the comments on here. It was obvious from your first post that you were at the end of your tether and needed some support. Have some more

I was always amazed how some people seemed to read this thread.

To me it was clearly "I've realised this about DP ..."
And a straw that broke the camel's back/ light-bulb moment type of thing.

How some could be so thick as to say not getting a glass of water doesn't equal abuse really surprised me.

But perhaps they've never been badly treated by a partner? If so they are fortunate and should realise this before posting on these issues.

Or perhaps they have, Juggling and avoid making assumptions based on very very limited information.

For you OP. Sorry about the unsympathetic replies you've had. My exH's treatment of me during an illness was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, so I totally get what you are saying. I would give my worst enemy water, if they had the flu.

OP. I'm glad you had your parents for support and that you're feeling better.

Ignore the posters intent on sticking the boot in, it says more about them then it does about you.

Exactly juggling, I didn't think anyone would actually think I was labelling dp, based on that one incident, it was a straw / camel's back moment, like oh please, ffs, I just want a drink and he won't even do that.

By the way pocket, do NOT call me a martyr. You do not know me. Who the hell do you think you are? And do not tell me when you 'think' I should have split up. Perhaps you just like calling people names?

I think I'm a poster on this board, just like you and everyone else here. If you don't want opinions, don't post. You come across as a martyr and a drama queen. And my opinion, from reading your previous dramas threads, is you should have split up a year ago, or probably sooner.

Juggling
But perhaps they've never been badly treated by a partner? If so they are fortunate and should realise this before posting on these issues.
I have been beaten, raped, controlled, emotionally abused, manipulated and gaslighted by past partners. OP's partner is a selfish twat, but nothing she's ever posted about him sounds abusive.

That's my opinion. I'm posting it because this is a forum on which people post opinions. When you post a thread here, you're not signing up for people to go "awww hunni that's awful, wot a bastard". I believe there may be other forums available for that

Juggling I'm sorry for what you've been through. It seems to have made you heard hearted though, and some of your perspectives are collusive with an abusive tone.

Sorry, I was talking to pocket, not juggling in that last post. Apologies juggling, you have been very supportive.

Why did you post in AIBU If you wanted sympathy?! Worst place.

You're lucky to have family to help with the kids. Hope you can get away from such a vile man.

I'm sorry for the terrible experiences you and others have been through pocket

I'm still surprised by how some read the thread though. I do agree there wasn't much to go on but the OP was ill, so that made sense to me.

I also think there are some really unsympathetic people on here.

Perhaps if you'd used a word such as vile instead of abusive then it wouldn't have riled people up so much. But I think it's really cruel, verging on abusive leaving you to deal with young kids, not even getting you water, and without an ounce of sympathy.

Perhaps it is the definition of abusive that is the problem.

pocket has obviously been badly abusued in the past. Her boundaries are perhaps skewed and your problem seems really minor to her. She isn't sure what "normal" is. I have very strong, firm boundaries and to me that situation would have crossed those boundaries heading towards unacceptable abusive. There is a world of difference between those two situations and just because pockets is much worse, it doesn't mean that the ops situation is not verging on abusive.

Nice comment to pocket

pocket i am very sorry for what you went through.

She was partly right with what she said, you had a huge backstory but didn't post so people couldn't judge or help. Don't go calling people names just because they don't agree with you.
From your first posts i didn't think your dp was abusive either, an arse maybe, but not abusive and i have the fucking virus too, i still have it.

No I didn't mean to be unsympathetic towards pocket Obviously what she went through was appalling but I was just trying to point out that you can be sympathetic to the op too.

grape- no not your comment, i don't think yours was insulting, sorry! I actually found your comment quite interesting!

I'm with pocket on this, sorry OP.

I think your dp sounds selfish and you aren't well suited. You're obviously unhappy and it would be a good idea to consider ltb for that reason alone, no one needs to stay in a relationship that doesn't bring positive things to their life.

However, what you've described in this thread isn't abusive unless there's more to it. If there's more to it then you should elaborate so people can give you advice based on the reality of your situation. It's not sensible for people to try and fill in the blanks because (as amply demonstrated on this thread) different experiences, personalities, perspectives etc. all give lie to different ways of filling them in and lead to unhelpful advice.

If you don't give more information than 'my dp is so abusive, he won't get me a glass of water' then it sounds like, even acknowledging you weren't feeling well, (with no blank filling in) a ridiculously melodramatic statement and is a bit offensive to people who have and are actually experiencing abuse.

I hope you're feeling better and that abusive or not you don't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

Lovely patronising comment there grape, thanks

I've been reading Bancroft at my mums and can categorically say that I've had an epiphany- bar being violent- dp does EVERYTHING he talks about in the book. He has done it to me on and off for 10 years. The reason I haven't given the backstory as there is so much of it. I wouldn't know where to start. It would need an entire book. But one thing Lundy says is women should trust their instincts, and if they think they are being abused. It's highly likely they are. And others should believe them.

Onwards and upwards. I know you are sad about possibly losing your family home but NOTHING is worth staying with someone abusive for.

Dear Midlifehope

It was illness that was my final straw too. Don't stay because you love your home or don't want to upset your kids - you're just showing them that the treatment you receive is acceptable, and they might model it which means their own future relationships will be knackered. End this abuse by ending the relationship and moving forwards. Just over a year ago I made that decision and it's the BEST thing I've ever done. My kids are well-adjusted and ok (imho I think they were relieved we'd separated, they now have two far happier and more peaceful homes). I've moved from the family home, with the kids, into somewhere far, far smaller and it's brilliant - it's ours, with none of the memories and broken promises of the old house. The bricks and mortar make a house, the people inside make a home, and a peaceful home is priceless.
You can do it and you won't regret it - use the time at your mums to get advice and get your 'ducks in a row'.
All the very best for a peaceful, joyful future xx

Midlife I hope you are feeling better! The funny thing is, I thought straight away your H was hateful for not bringing you a drink because I just thought that if MY DH were ill/sore/tired/hungover/whatever, then I would bring him a glass of water without him asking. And he would do that for me. He sounds awful.

I also don't get why ppl pounced on you, calling you a drama llama etc.

You were ill. You could hardly go into great detail when you were that ill.

Agree about not knowing where to start with the stories; and that if you told all the stories the world wouldn't be big enough to hold all those books. Agree also there's a final straw after months/years of a gradually awakening. This stuff takes time.

SO GLAD you have parents who are taking care of you. Brilliant.