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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clingy 'friend' rant

81 replies

Neenypoo22 · 28/03/2016 16:54

I've recently moved to a new area and started talking to one of the mums at school. Turns out she lives at the end of my street. She mentioned about having a brew sometime, I was happy to be making new friends. I'm not the most social person in the world but a brew every week or two would be good. We exchanged numbers and before I'd even got through my door I had a text of her saying hi, this turned into 2 then 3 then 15 texts saying how happy she was to be my friend and she hopes I make an effort with her as her other friends never do and it's always her asking to meet etc. I should have got the hint there and then she was a little full on! I mean, I've only just met you! She came for a quick brew the day after at 1 we did the school run together I said my goodbyes and went home she was knocking on the door before I'd even taken my coat off and just walked straight in when I opened the door her kids in tow saying it will be nice to see if they get on with each other. She put me in the spot so I didn't say anything! She was still there 8pm!! She only left when my husband walked in from work and even then it was a struggle getting her to go. Since then she texts me every morning- hi are you ok?x if I don't reply straight away she sends another if I don't reply she messages in Facebook, if I don't reply she whatsapps, I've got 4 young kids and two dogs so I'm pretty bloomin busy! It's even got to the point there she fake rings me-oops sorry must have dailed in my pocket or I'll get a series off kkkjjhhbbbvcxddff texts where she will tell me her 18 month old somehow unlocked her phone and sent me 30 messages.shes always asking if she can come round so I can put her hair in braids. I'm a 30 year old woman with a family to look after I don't really have the time. It's really full on. I've been making excuses why she can't come round for a brew but I'm running out of them and don't want to hurt her feelings by saying you know what? Your not my kind of person. She asked me via text a few days ago if I thought she was pestering ;that to me says she knows she is)so I took the opportunity to say something. I said yes you are, I'm a busy mum and you obviously have more free time than I do. She said she would back off and didn't want to lose me as a friend because if it. The next day she came to pick up a game she had lend to my son her and her husband turn up on my doorstep at around 8pm in their pyjamas and come in for a brew. That had long finished and I'd yawned a few times husband had started sorting his things out for morning and she says right I'll have another brew before we go. I really don't know how to deal with her. I don't want to be mean, but I just don't have to time for such a clingy person. I like my own company 😕

OP posts:
7Days · 30/03/2016 00:58

Sorry for all the typos. Stupid phone not stupid me Hmm

dangerrabbit · 30/03/2016 01:10

Great advice from runrabbit.

cleanasawhistle · 30/03/2016 01:19

I had a school mum put on me like this years ago.
She used to come out of her way every morning to walk to school with us,her kids would kick my door until I answered it.They would then barge in and wreck my house.
My son was off school for a few days very poorly,every morning they woke us up....one morning I just lost it ,I opened the door and positioned myself so the kids couldnt rush in and I screamed at her......told her I was sick of having my door kicked in every morning and turning up and sitting for hours while her kids ran riot.....I told her to clear off and not come back,she never did.

I would go with some of the good suggestions here and hope she gets the hint OP, or you might like me lose your temper one day.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/03/2016 08:52

You don't like her. You don't want to be friends. Her crazy behaviour will be well known by others. You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

You have nothing to lose by being honest to the point of rudeness.

VikingMuchToAllOurLiking · 31/03/2016 21:15

I think I'd be unapologetically confident and just say stuff like 'tea now? No I don't want to do that! Ha! Really can't be arsed' or 'no I'm going to bed/want a quiet night/am feeling unsociable' I don't think I'd apologise id be quite callous about being selfish a otherwise your life will just be a misery.

Or kill her? Kiss her husband? In front of her?

MeMySonAndl · 02/04/2016 08:37

I know someone who used to ring when I was at work, and then spend a long time going round the bushes before telling me why she was calling.

I had to tell her (and her husband) that personal calls were only allowed in the office in an emergency. So now I get a lot of texts asking "can I call you now?". Don't know why does she insists, I have been replying to her texts with the same phrase (I'm at work, can we talk this evening?) For 2 years!

loveyoutothemoon · 02/04/2016 18:41

Have you managed to get rid of her yet?!

Neenypoo22 · 02/04/2016 22:01

She got back from her week away yesterday, text asking if I'd missed my brew buddy!? I just ignored that, she asked today if she could call tonight to do her hair but her hubby has been sick today so I just said no as I didn't want germs in my house. She said she felt fine but I said I couldn't risk her carrying germs into my house so no. Tried making plans with me for next week but I've told her I don't want to make plans. She may get the hint now, if not I'll be more direct

OP posts:
SuckingEggs · 02/04/2016 22:07

Be direct! What have you got to lose?!

honeyroar · 02/04/2016 23:49

You're just going to have to be hard and cold with her. She won't get the message otherwise, and she will probably get huffy or annoyed when the message sinks in, but you must stay strong.

Agadooo · 03/04/2016 00:01

Good start neeny-agree with rabbit- you're in charge of you-not her-stay strong!

stiffstink · 03/04/2016 09:48

Stay strong OP, I bet she'll be round soon!

ijustwannadance · 03/04/2016 09:58

Tell her if she cut down on the caffine from all the brews she might calm the fuck down a bit.

SlipperyJack · 03/04/2016 09:59

What is this thing about her hair? Can't she go to a salon? Could you develop RSI?

lollopops · 03/04/2016 10:18

I had a friend like this (she lives three doors down). She did most of what you described your friend doing.

It got too much. And at the time, she was expecting her fourth child, part-time at college & still had time to harrass see me. I had also found out from a lot of people that she was a monumental shit stirrer. Calling SS or RSPCA when people fell out with her

Problem was, I was also a busy mum: 4dcs, work full-time time etc. In the end I went around there & confronted her: ' Right. I have no intention of falling out with you because I hardly know you but you really are crossing the line here. I don't want to have to tell you I am busy, when I'm not, as an excuse not to see you. I like you but that does not mean you have to ring me every minute or knock my door five times a day. This stops now or we will have a problem on our hands:. She took it really well, apologised & said she hadn't realised she had been out of turn. It worked. Or, so I'd thought. A week later, SS came around as they'd had an anonymous call Hmm

shabbadabba · 03/04/2016 10:18

Ijustwanna Grin

RedRedWhine123 · 03/04/2016 10:25

I've come across people like this a lot. You must be direct. I would just not answer my phone or door. Why not BLARE the tv or stereo if she's there so she goes (play music which irritates her). I think people like this know that you're too polite to challenge them. You could suddenly get a job from home which means that you can't stay and chat.

ShinyShinyShiny · 03/04/2016 10:28

She sounds like a nightmare. You've had lots of great advice already, particularly from runrabbit who has said much of what I was going to.

Another option would be to refer back to what she said when you first met her about none of her friends making an effort and clearly lay out why her behaviour is unacceptable and doesn't make for a good friendship. She might get it or she might be offended and leave you alone, either result would be good.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/04/2016 10:37

Oh good god, not a chance could I be doing with this.

I'd simply text her saying that you find her idea of friendship suffocating and that actually, it doesn't work for you and therefore you are knocking it on the head. I really would be that blunt about it, because I strongly suspect she's the type that is incapable of getting the hint and subtlety just isn't going to get you anywhere.

Yes,she'll call you out for being rude, but what's worse, someone you don't even like thinking your a bit of a cow or this same woman continuing to harass you daily for the rest of your life?! (possibly a slight exaggeration but who knows!)

Dafspunk · 03/04/2016 10:42

I've had similar and nipped it in the bud straight away by being very, very direct. I just said (without apologising) that I am not as sociable as her and I would contact her if/when I wanted to do something with her. This sounds very selfish, as if I want a friendship only on my terms but in a way, it's true. If she doesn't want to be friends on those terms, I'm happy not to be friends at all.

You will need to combine being direct, persistent and fairly hard nosed until she gets the message. It sounds like at this stage, you've got nothing to lose!

wishiwasntme · 03/04/2016 14:02

I feel sorry for her, although she's definitely taken it too far. She's probably just so desperate for a friend that she can't help herself, iykwim. I can probably give her POV because she's me to some extent.

I guess I'm the in the same boat, in that I don't have any true friends. Unless I text the few ppl that I do know I don't hear from them and I really don't think they'd even notice if I dropped dead; the only difference is I don't constantly text/call etc. I'll wait and see if they contact me and after a few months when they haven't I'll text them and we'll usually meet up for a couple of hours or less for a cuppa and that will be that till the next time I cave in and text.

I think I'm a nice person with a sense of humour as well as a loyal friend; I do volunteer work and I always try to help others out; I was always the one helping out if they were stuck in a jam.

I suffer from low self esteem (obviously; how could I not when no one seems to really like me? ) and I get very upset that I don't have any friends.
I'm ok at speaking to ppl but it never gets past the acquaintance phase (no coffees, etc) so I can totally see how she had become so clingy and needy.

The problem is; every time someone rejects you it exacerbates the problem and you cling more which is the wrong thing to do. She's probably really lonely and the harder she tries the worse she gets. I'm at the stage where I'm kinda resigned to never having ppl care about me and want to be friends (not that I was ever that bad).

My biggest thing was worrying that I'd offended them when they didn't ever reply, which would make me paranoid about how I appear/behave in public.

I once asked a longterm friend (35+ years) about it (I was first on the list if she needed a favour/babysitting etc but not for anything else) and it turned out I was too fat didn't fit in with the group to see more of her (I was often the target of her 'teasing' when we were in a group). At the time I put up with it as I was so desperate for company; but I don't anymore even though I still don't have friends.

I guess I try too hard sometimes, but it's hard to be normal if this is your life. I was severely bullied throughout my school years so I struggle to make friends anyway.

You definitely need to nip this in the bud, but, and I'm sure you will as you come across as really nice to have put up with it so long, try to be gentle about it and explain to her exactly why things need to cool down drastically. I think that was always the most upsetting thing: I've never known why ppl treat me this way so I can't change it or work on it.

Good luck. Grin

wishiwasntme · 03/04/2016 14:03

Sorry for the massive post, I hadn't realised it was so long until it was posted.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 14:13

I have such a fear of becoming like this myself that I often don't pursue potential friendships for fear of people thinking I'm pushy.

StealthPolarBear · 03/04/2016 14:25

Wish that doesn't sound the same at all! Your friend sounds like a bully

findingmyfeet12 · 03/04/2016 14:30

Wish I think I'm similar to you in many ways. I was never bullied at school but I've become unable to pursue friendships in recent years.

If I'm invited out I assume people are just being charitable and I'm afraid to make contact for fear of being pushy. I really don't know why I've become like this.

I can think back on occasions when people have tried to befriend me and I've not responded. I wish I had.