Clingy 'friend' rant

[Neenypoo22]

I've recently moved to a new area and started talking to one of the mums at school. Turns out she lives at the end of my street. She mentioned about having a brew sometime, I was happy to be making new friends. I'm not the most social person in the world but a brew every week or two would be good. We exchanged numbers and before I'd even got through my door I had a text of her saying hi, this turned into 2 then 3 then 15 texts saying how happy she was to be my friend and she hopes I make an effort with her as her other friends never do and it's always her asking to meet etc. I should have got the hint there and then she was a little full on! I mean, I've only just met you! She came for a quick brew the day after at 1 we did the school run together I said my goodbyes and went home she was knocking on the door before I'd even taken my coat off and just walked straight in when I opened the door her kids in tow saying it will be nice to see if they get on with each other. She put me in the spot so I didn't say anything! She was still there 8pm!! She only left when my husband walked in from work and even then it was a struggle getting her to go. Since then she texts me every morning- hi are you ok?x if I don't reply straight away she sends another if I don't reply she messages in Facebook, if I don't reply she whatsapps, I've got 4 young kids and two dogs so I'm pretty bloomin busy! It's even got to the point there she fake rings me-oops sorry must have dailed in my pocket or I'll get a series off kkkjjhhbbbvcxddff texts where she will tell me her 18 month old somehow unlocked her phone and sent me 30 messages.shes always asking if she can come round so I can put her hair in braids. I'm a 30 year old woman with a family to look after I don't really have the time. It's really full on. I've been making excuses why she can't come round for a brew but I'm running out of them and don't want to hurt her feelings by saying you know what? Your not my kind of person. She asked me via text a few days ago if I thought she was pestering ;that to me says she knows she is)so I took the opportunity to say something. I said yes you are, I'm a busy mum and you obviously have more free time than I do. She said she would back off and didn't want to lose me as a friend because if it. The next day she came to pick up a game she had lend to my son her and her husband turn up on my doorstep at around 8pm in their pyjamas and come in for a brew. That had long finished and I'd yawned a few times husband had started sorting his things out for morning and she says right I'll have another brew before we go. I really don't know how to deal with her. I don't want to be mean, but I just don't have to time for such a clingy person. I like my own company 😕

I would buy a set of headphones and a fake Ipod and when she's around, never take it off.

I had a friend like this always turning up especially when I was supposed to be cooking for my family. I was never blunt with her at the beginning and eventually she would also just swan in and tell me to put the kettle on. When she got involved with some other girls her behaviour got worse ignored me when she was with them and then would turn up to use my toilet. When I realised she never turned up in the holidays or make an effort to meet up I started to distance myself. One day I didn't answer the door because she would turn up on the night my dd was at her after school club and I needed that time to rest or do chores..what I am trying to say is you def need boundaries with this woman before she starts coming in when the door is unlocked and putting the kettle on herself. Or you will be left feeling drained and not giving enough time to your family.

Let her in and get ones norks out while she's there. She may feel uncomfortable enough to decide to bugger off..................hopefully.

"please leave me alone"
"you are crowding me"
"sorry, I dont feel like it"
"I want to be by myself"
"no thanks"
"not up for it"
"not interested sorry"

I think you will need to be direct but be prepared for quite a fall out!

I would text her:
You are a nice person & I would like to be friends but I simply don't have the capacity for this level of interaction. I feel utterly overwhelmed by the constant texts, Facebook & whattsapp messages. Unless you can agree to one text a week and a coffee for an hour every 2-3 weeks then sadly I think we will have to go our separate ways."

She clearly knows she is doing this as she has mentioned being too intense with other friends so no need to feel guilty. She should learn from her mistakes.

Had this too. Very difficult. Had I had a car at the time would have been easier eg to organise a shared activity eg swim, once a week so she had a definite commitment once a week to rely on. That said, not sure it would have been enough. Had she been on the same street I would have had to move. It caused a lot of stress because I was brought up to be kind and polite and I felt like a "bad boyfriend". Totally dysfunctional. I think she was putting me in a spousal role to be honest as her dp didn't want to engage much with the kids.
She had many good qualities: excellent cook, generous with time and baking/picking up random gifts, could be quite funny, very good mum, proactive, liked doing things, had had an interesting career pre kids BUT at the same time cooking became a reciprocal all-dayer, gifts for dc were being used blatantly as manipulation even when told please stop, funny was sometimes bitter, good mum became übermum/judgypants, proactive became pushy, doing things became you must come to xyz but never seemed to stick at anything and the interesting career led to SAHM depression, which, trust me I could relate to but misery loving company does not always work well when it is a constant energy suck/negativity loop.
Hints were not taken, no is a sentence was taken as rejection, manipulation/emotional blackmail applied...I ended up not answering the phone or mobile and avoidance. No, I do not want to spend Xmas day with you and your family (this was after only a couple of months), no I don't want to go on holiday with you and your family, no I don't want to meet every weekend and/or spend up to twelve hours together. Still have no idea whether it was a culture clash, or different personalities or whether she knew exactly what she was doing and did not care or whether it was an unconscious habit.
It lasted just over a year before things came to a head. We had an disagreement and I used said argument to cut all ties. It was a shame it came to that but I dare say she then moved on to another victim acquaintance she wanted to do bff with. A shame because I genuinely think she was a decent person and in small doses perfectly fine company. But by disrespecting all boundaries and forcing herself/her dc on me and my family non-stop, it became an imposition, needy situation that led to me resenting her and hating myself for it. I was brought up to be nice dammit.

Single
White
Female

Both turned up in pj's? Swingers! Bet they both had some saucy underwear going on underneath

Hahaha oh god! I hope not!

Gosh I feel suffocated just reading your posts op.

The only way is blunt.

I think that Cora has summed up a good response.

I had my very own personal weirdo chasing me for coffee, dinner, and as she loved networking, to introduce me to all this "fantastic people" (I have enough fantastic people in my life and they are already taking most of my time) She also moved to my street. It has taken stopping answering messages, keep saying no to the same invitations time after time, and finally, letting her alone at home with a cooked dinner we never agreed to attend. I'm still avoiding that part of the street months later just to avoid her having a relapse.

My commiserations, I hope you manage a way out before you explode.

you have to be blunt, and lay out your boundaries.

This friendship isn't working for me. I am busy and have family and friends, and I like time on my own. For me a friendship would work if it is a coffee every 2 weeks, texts/phone once a week. I do not feel comfortable getting lots of texts a day, and FB/whatsapp stuff. I am just too busy for all that.
When you pop in, you stay for several hours, for me, popping in means 20-30 minutes max.
If you want to continue this friendship, you have to develop boundaries, and respect mine, otherwise this friendship is over.

Is your toilet near where you have your chats when she comes round?
Grab your stomach, run to loo, make lots of farting noises and drop the loo brush or something to make plopping noises, shout 'sorry, I have got diarrhoea' see how long she hangs round then.

I wouldn't hide from her if she knocks on the door - if I get cold callers I let them see me (usually on the sofa near the window) and just let them stand there eyeballing me. I eyeball them back but stay exactly where I am. There's no rule to say you have to answer the door! That might drive her crazy!

Start saying no.

'no you can't come for a brew, it's not a suitable time'.

'Here is the game, no you can't come in.'

'You'll have to go home now, I have other things to do'

It's your house, stop letting people just walk in!

Being polite only works if the other person is capable of reading the social cues. They obviously are not, so stop being polite.

You don't have to be nasty. Just be very plain speaking.

Don't give explanations for the 'no', don't apologise. Just 'no that doesn't work for me'

Why don't you just reply sorry I just want a bit of time alone today text you in a couple of days to arrange something. Sorry just having quiet day with the baby. Sorry, I'm busy today. Sorry to busy for a brew. Sorry got too much housework to do. Be honest. If she comes to the do, nows not a good time.

Stupid autocorrect screwed that last post up with my to and too's and door not do.

I used to have a friend like this, nightmare. She did not take hints, ever. I ended up falling asleep on the table one night I was so bloody tired and she would not go home. Be clear, be honest, be blunt.

Kill her

Anyfucker

An add on to AF's post:

before she kills you.

I'd engineer an argument about any old fucking thing. Be raging and totally unreasonable and tell her you can't be friends with her anymore because you're so upset / disappointed / sad with her. Cry if you need to.

You are being bullied.

She has pulled an assortment of classic bully power plays on you and you have always let her win.

You are a nice person. When in doubt, your default response is yes. She put me in the spot so I didn't say anything!

For her, your default answer must become no. After some quiet unpestered thinking time you might change to a yes. Any pressure from her must reinforce your no. Remember: bully girl is trying to bully you.

Do not make excuses. Say no clearly and give the real reason even if she won't like it. "No thanks. I don't want to today." or "Nah, I'm not up for it. Maybe another time." "Not good for me today. Thanks for the offer."

You don't have to explain beyond "Not convenient for me today." She is not your boss. You don't even want her as a friend.

Waltzing in with the DC. Turning up on the doorstep and being let in. Not on your nelly. "Now is not convenient." Then no matter what she says, do not engage just say "Not now crazyfriendname." If necessary, "This is silly, you are leaving. Off you go". "Do I have to call the police? ha ha".

I didn't want to braid her hair- after her being super pushy I just ignored her Good. But how did she get the opportunity to be super pushy? "Answer is still no. I'm not doing it. Drop it crazyfriendname"

Her demanding another brew when you asked her to leave. She rejected your command; you meekly obeyed her rude counter command. Noooooo. Head bang on table. "No way! You are such a chancer crazyfriendname. Off you go home, right now." .

How does she stay for hours? "I need you to be off in 15 minutes so I can get on." What with? "Lots of things. Life, you know how it is." What? "Stop going on about it. I have another 15 minutes, that's it today." Why are you being cagey / hiding things / do you hate me? "Look, I've only got another 15 minutes, no big deal, I just have to get on with life. 15 minutes."

Strop at you? "I'm not having this. I have told you my decision several times. You had better leave. This isn't fun anymore."

The thing with the game? Bully power play. That was her last night saying she was coming to collect the game so I couldn't say no Why couldn't you say no? "I don't fancy visitors tonight. DH or I will drop it round to you later." Why did you let her in? Hand it over on the doorstep. "No visitors tonight, got things to do. Thanks for the game. Bye."

It sounds like harassment at this point! Imagine it was a male neighbour - wouldn't that be classed as stalking and harassment?

As for her being disappointed you couldn't braid her hair - it sounds like she is spousifying you.

Run for the hills!

I liked a pp's suggestion of setting out what you consider to be appropriate boundaries (and then cut contact when she oversteps).

Who texts people tens of times in a row? That is harassment! I think she can't be fully well.

I would be tired all the time.
She stands at the door, oh sorry,I'm shattered, nearly nap time for babt! And me! maybe ill see you on the school run?
On school run be rushing off for an appointment, or to call ti your mum's.
Over and over and over again. But it will work eventually.
Good excuses basically, while smiling in a distant kind of way. But be prepared for the long one