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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ok, it wasnt working and now its finished.

93 replies

charliecat · 06/01/2007 13:56

Me and dp have been grumbling along for years. Its not been great for years. But we have 2 dds and we have stayed together for them I guess.
But its got to the point where I cant do it anymore. And hes miserable too.
Constant nagging and negativity from him and exasperation from me.
So Ive said its over. Its not working.
So hes gone, and he keeps ringing, ranging from...Oh im in a mess here...and Ive got every right to feel fucked off ...bla bla...
Just need to vent thats all.

OP posts:

DimpledThighs · 07/01/2007 13:52

people talk admirably about people holding it together for the children or working through the bad times, on the other hand I think in some ways it takes more strength to leave a relationship than keep your head down and pretend it is all fine.

Good luck. Me and another single mum used to have great summers together - so much so that we still do it even though we are no longer single.

There are positives - more than you may see at the moment.

Try not to bicker - even if he is being a sod (which he was by the way - implying it was your fault/problem) just don't rise to it - you don't have to anymore!

rickman · 07/01/2007 13:53

Message withdrawn

DimpledThighs · 07/01/2007 13:53

btw - you won't be alone at 60 unless that is what you want. There are all kinds of permitations out there and I know loads of people on their 2nd, 3rd time round.

Too far in the future- get through next few weeks!

DimpledThighs · 07/01/2007 13:54

x posts rickman - but we said the same thing!

suzycreamcheese · 07/01/2007 13:55

bitter and twisted, eh? join the club..
at least no constant nagging and doing what you please will also be in the mix...
its big big big change give yourself time girl..

rickman · 07/01/2007 13:55

Message withdrawn

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 14:01

Hmm, I think it is better to break up now, than to be miserable till the kids are 16...thats 11 frigging years away and then break up then and wish we had done it years ago.
Which is what would have happened.
There would have been no 78 and caring for each other till death do us part. He wouldnt have changed my incontinance pads etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 14:03

Laughing and crying now. He says hes coming back tongight to sort things ut and get things over and done with and to get away from me.
Ok said I.

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suzycreamcheese · 07/01/2007 14:22

cc
when he sees that sort of shit - coming to get away from you - isn't going to get to you, it will stop..
good luck

imaginaryfriend · 07/01/2007 15:15

cc, how can he be so unpleasant to you? What's his problem? You're so utterly fabulous, I've 'known' you for 2 years now and have never ever had a second when I've thought otherwise.

Can't post long now as busy packing up to move / getting dd psychologically ready for school tomorrow full time gulp! But will post later.

I wanted to add though that with those norks you will not be single at 60

Oh and to ask how are the girls taking the news?

DimpledThighs · 07/01/2007 15:43

good luck when he comes over tonight to 'sort things out and get away from you'

don't rise to his bickering - just keep thinking silly childish sod in your head - that always worked for me

will think of you.

Pann · 07/01/2007 17:19

He is ventilating his sense of hurt, rejection, fear and anger, whether well-reasoned or no. Childish it isn't. IF the situation were reversed then we all would have an adult right to those feelings.
Hoping the little ones are taking it as well as. And there is as least difficulty for them as poss.

DimpledThighs · 07/01/2007 19:22

Pann - wasn't calling him childish, was saying yo use a phrase in your head to make sure you stop yourself rising to any attempt to get into a bickering argument. If those are avoided at this stage it is so much easier.

Also I appreciate that CC dp may be feeling lots of things, and sure he is entitled to feel like that but am hoping he is in some dadsnet world getting support. I just was showing CC some supoort, particularly in light of what he had said to her on the phone today. (IMO childish, whether he is entilited to feel like that is an entirely different matter.)

Pann · 07/01/2007 19:33

Sure, DT. Extremely tricky and tough all round, I know.

Here's hoping for least hurt as possible.

Dior · 07/01/2007 19:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 19:46

Hes still in Scotland. They are all telling him to get a job up there and to come down and visit the dds from there. He doesnt know what to do himself, cant get through the next 5 minutes.
I said if this hadnt happened we would be ignoring each other right now, which we would be, or arguing.
Hes scared. He hasnt got anyone to talk to except for me apparently, or his family who want him to stay where he is.

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filthymindedvixen · 07/01/2007 19:54

CC, just want to add {{hugs}}}.
If it's any consolation, when my parents spilt I weas 12 and I had no memory of them ever being civil to each other in that time. We went on spearate hlidays, they slept in separate bedrooms etc.
It was the biggest Almighty relief when they finally called it a day. Twas noone's 'fault', they were just awful as a couple.
Things will be tough, but we're all here to hold your hand. x

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 19:58

Thanks.
Hes falling apart, which is making the mother in me come out.
But fucking hell its been awful. And we couldnt and we are not going to carry on like that. And he said, like me it was a weight lifted from his shoulders....
So...???he just needs to sort himself out somewhere to live and we can go from there.
I cant imagine him not in my life, he says the same. Do any of you get on with your exes?

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nutcracker · 07/01/2007 20:00

His family sound a bit like my ex's charlie. They all want him to move up by them (not get a job though, they are allergic to work).

He said he doesn't want to but tbh i'd rather he did as they would make him pull himself together anyway.

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 20:01

Has your x got himself a flat? Good grief,cant belie I dont know that or not!!!

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Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 20:01

He says he doesnt want to be up there, theres nothing there for him.

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NotAnOtter · 07/01/2007 20:03

the thing is cc you KNOW infact you both KNOW that what you are doing now is right.
Hard but right
Often you just cannot anticipate how hard things will be unitl you are in the thick of it.
He will get through it.
You eed to loo after no.1 to make sure your kids are ok. he will be ok....thinking of you ( and rats!)

nutcracker · 07/01/2007 20:40

He's got himself a bedsit CC, about a 15/20 minute bus ride from here.

It's a shithole, but seeing as he is doing sod all to get a job and make proper arrangments for seeing the kids then thats how his life will stay for now.

Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 20:43

Oh right.
Hes talking about driving back down tommorow, coming in, going to bed to sleep it off, me taking the kids to school and then us having a chat.

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Original poster

charliecat · 07/01/2007 20:47

I feel like im going to throw up. The thought of facing him is awful.

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