Partner of four years refused to go on birth certificate.

[FrizzyNoodles]

It is kind of a long story but in short, it was a surprise pregnancy - failed pill, he didn't want the baby so I was getting ready to leave, he changed his mind and i stayed so now she is a month old. He seems to love her but looks unhappy.

We went to register the birth and at the door he told me he wasn't coming in and drove away so I went and registered her alone in tears. I wanted to give her my last name which could have been part of the problem.

we had such a brilliant relationship and it's been difficult but I was hoping we would get it back at some point in the future.

I'm flat hunting again but I don't feel like the ideal tenant on mat leave and looking into housing benefit.

I should leave shouldn't I? Has this happened to anyone else ever? He was always so lovely and we had a good time together. But I feel like I'll alway have that moment when he just left me to so that on my own and have to leave he father section blank after four years together.

He looks 'sad'? Fuck that, he's feeling sorry for himself because he doesn't have everything arranged exactly as he wanted it - but that's life and you have got far more upheaval to deal with as the mother, and the parent who is doing everything! And you are stepmother to his son too. He is treating you very shabbily .

You can't slink around guiltily for the next 18 years and neither should you. Tell him enough is enough, and you won't go on like this because your daughter deserves better and so do you. Get angry on your daughter's behalf if not your own. He sounds like a sulky little boy. You're a grown up with grown up responsibilities so leave him to it.

I don't have much of use to say about your situation with your partner, but I wanted to add this:

My daughter was a "surprise" and I went house-hunting and moved out with her when she was about 7 months. No landlords had a problem, although some estate agencies were more flexible/welcoming than others.

I never wanted children either, and that shift in how you perceive your identity can be tricky. But I wouldn't change a thing, and living just the two of us was fab!

Oh, and her father also isn't on the birth certificate, which only has positives. :)

Tendon I am normally quite assertive but at the moment I'm quite fragile and pathetic! I'll probably get the anger at some point in the future. I'll miss his son I've always paid him lots of attention, given praise, made sure we have in things he likes, done activities with him, had wipes on me.... we have always got on well and he loves being a big brother.

Gloopy thank you for posting it makes me feel better if someone has gone through similar and it was a positive experience xxx

I'm probably going to get jumped on for this but - ever though he didn't sign because you refused for the child to have his surname? That's a big thing for a man. And by your post you haven't exactly said he was a bad person. And seeing as you was on contraception you both obviously had no plans for a child - so his response too that is understandable.

Marilyn I don't know what planet you are on TBH. You are coming at this whole issue from a really weird angle where you think pregnancy doesn't usually happen unless people want it to and women are responsible for men's contraceptive responsibilities as well as their own.

He did not want a vasectomy and he didn't use a condom. That does rather imply that he at the very least is unconcerned if the sex he has results in a baby.

He doesn't get to feel aggrieved whatever was behind the baby's conception (though I believe the op that she didn't want a baby and doesn't know what happened) because he took no responsibility for preventing the pregnancy at all.

He is much more culpable for the accidental pregnancy having taken no precautions at all and would be even if the op had been slack with taking the pill.

I also disagree hugely that no-one should be forced into being a parent to an unwanted pregnancy.

The fact is both parents are the parents of a child no matter the circumstances of the conception. Men are able to avoid their responsibilities to their child more easily than women and it is fair to say that far more women than men are forced into parenthood by virtue of the fact that every child has two biological parents and men are able to walk away thereby forcing the female parent to either take on their share of the burden as well as their own or face often traumatic decisions such as abortion or adoption.

Men just walk away and the responsibility defaults to the woman who then has to make much tougher choices.

So no, you can't force a man to parent a child but undoubtedly a man can coerce/force a woman to.

Sofia - you can't give a child the dad's surname if he doesn't attend registration if you are not married.

My logic for her having my name was that I could re think it in the future if we stay together. Probably before she started school. If it had all worked out we could have added his easily. And if he had signed her up for anything that he would take her to I wouldn't mind him using his name for ease. So he didn't have info or calls addressed to Mr noodles rather than his own name. It works both ways as far as I'm concerned.

On the other hand if she had his name to begin with and we had ended up splitting up I would never get permission from him to change to mine. It just felt better that way. He hadn't said anything about it other than that children get their dad's name and I said no its the mother's choice if they aren't married. That was about 3 weeks ago and he's not said a word since. I think it could be part of it but I don't feel like it's the whole reason. He could have talked to me about it if he was really unhappy.

He is anti marriage and I'm generally pretty independent and will be going back to work after mat leave so I'm less concerned than a sahm should be. I wouldn't change my last name if I did get married so she would always have mine or both.

I reported Marilyn's post as a personal attack too. I don't usually report anything.

I think you did accuse OP of deliberately getting pregnant.

Frizzy fwiw I know 2 babies born through pill failure, 3 if you count the beautician who told me about her accidental arrival. 4 if you count my family member who I don't know 100% if it truly was an accident as I do with my 2 friends' babies who were definitely completely unplanned despite taking precautions.

One of those babies got through pill and condom, clearly meant to be!

If your dp was so adverse to having a baby he should have done what all my male friends have done to 'make that point' : got a vasectomy. Leaving name off birth certificate is spiteful and weaselly.

I brook no sympathising with the father 'victim' of accidental pregnancy. The woman doesn't get the option. Or rather she does if she is willing to abort, which for many people is morally wrong and something that I personally have never felt I would be able to do.

OP you were more than fair offering to move out before baby born. He has been a dick messing you around. Also your poor dd that he couldn't man up and at least put his name on the BC. Is there any way back from that? Can he be added retrospectively to show some semblance of him being a decent human being?

Everyone seems to know someone who it happened to. I've been doing that annoying thing of asking if babies were planned quite a lot- wouldn't normally! Not to their faces just if it's been mentioned by someone else. My stepsister got pregnant while taking the pill but I had assumed it was by taking them incorrectly by mistake but maybe not.

They were lovely to me in the office and although I wasn't taking in what they said properly I think he can change his mind and go on it. From what people have said up thread though it might be for the best he doesn't have control over her up bringing. Its pretty awful that his name is blank after so long together though.

Offred- he was at the office and she informed him the child would have her name. Hence he walked out. His ego got in the way which he shouldn't off let happen.

If he was willing to give away parental responsibility for his own child just because of a surname, then he is an idiot. I think you are right that that is just a tiny part of the reason why he did it.

Oh I'm not saying he was in the right but like I said ego took over and he went and sulked away. You two might not work but you might be the best co-parents ever. Along as the childs happy don't let his tantrums get too you.

On what basis is he going to make a good parent? He does none of the parenting work because he feels justified in punishing the op for hid mistake in not using any contraception himself and he stormed off from the registration and now has no PR...

He is being a terrible parent to this child and it sounds as if he ran away from his last one and now only does the Disney dad thing at the weekends whilst leaning on the op to parent his son too.

Some men need to get it through their heads that saying "I absolutely do not want another child" means taking some action to prevent one being born and is also not something they will ever have total control over unless they abstain because contraception fails.

If it fails pregnancy results and they have to grow up and accept responsibility for that. It is not all 'women's stuff'.

I can't abide the whole 'she got pregnant' thing as if the man involved had no choices and no involvement at all.

In this case he had sex without any contraception. The baby happened. He is a father (again) whether he likes it or not and whilst he is able to choose to be an arsehole about it nothing in the situation negates his responsibility to the child or his arsehole like behaviour.

He will have PR, because the poster hasn't said he's not having contact. And he could easily go to the solicitors too be added to the BC if DNA isn't needed. I'm sorry offerd but you sound scorned. Disney dad routine and ran away? Relationships break down that's life. At least he's maintained contacted with his child regardless of whether it's weekend or through the week. You seem to be going off on a tangent and making him out to be a monster. He had a reaction too shocking news (ONLY HUMAN) He acted like a twazzack (ONLY HUMAN) she's said he's gushy with the baby and is being active. It's not about him & her now - it's all about the baby.

No, she said he will concede to playing with the baby so she can have a shower and that is all he does. Are you of the position that that is the entirety of a father's responsibility to a child?

And contact is nothing to do with PR. Being named on the birth certificate gives you PR.

I just think sometimes on MNs people don't put themselves in an other persons shoes and are just ready to get the pitch forks out going off one side. The OP seems to have her head screwed on and knows what she's doing. You just started on some tangent psycho analysing him on a few tid bits. Which wasn't what she was after. OP- I hope you can find a solution because it sounded like it wasn't entirely all a bad relationship. I wish you all the best and hope the outcome is positive 😊

I don't see why he, who avoided doing anything to prevent pg, who is singularly avoiding all of his responsibilities to his baby by treating her appallingly when the pg was announced, not taking responsibility for the child legally and not providing any of the care the child needs and is an adult man likely in his late thirties or forties needs to be given leeway whilst the op, who is in the same situation, having not wanted a child, but who took responsibility for preventing oh and has been pilloried and now forced to take on his share of the burden by him should have to also give him leeway.

Everyone understands what he may be feeling. The issue is that he does not deserve the op to make accommodations for that. Or any of us for that matter.

TBH I think you need to put yourself in the OP's shoes...

I think this thread could get derailed by semantics.

Baby girl is here... OP was going to move out..He said he wanted to make it work..So he is expected to be involved in raising this child...

He could of chosen to only financially support the baby...

I do wonder how much you do for his DS and how this will change when you go...However this is not your issue , you need to focus on your Little girl and yourself...This should be a happy time...It seems you spend your time passifying him... I think you will be much happier when you end up not walking on eggshells.

You need some support and are getting none..

I absolutely think you did the right thing giving your child your name.. He certainly doesn't seem to have made enough commitment to believe he was going to step up and be a Dad... As for the poster who said it was important to men..You don't get to cherry pick the bits of parenting you want..

I really appreciate all the points of view on this thread it's hard to have an objective view of a situation when you're in it.

I do a lot for his son but I expect to I wanted him to think of me as someone who showed an interest in him rather than just his dad's girlfriend who is there. I think he will feel the difference when I'm gone but not sure how much.

It was actually a few weeks ago I said she would get my name. I was still in hospital and an appointment letter had arrived to the parents of baby noodles so that prompted him to ask. He could've said at the time or in the last couple of weeks. She would've got my name anyway but I could've offered more reassurance. I wasn't up for serious discussions while I was in hospital.

I do have to ask him to hold her while I do something else but he does seem to enjoy holding her when he does so I really don't know.

Does he spontaneously pick her up, though, or only when you ask? He does seem to see his parental role as an optional extra and that is something you should take careful note of. My DH loved carrying and holding our baby DS. Never had to ask him.

Funnily enough he took her for a cuddle shortly after I posted last. He doesn't know I'm on mumsnet so can't have read this.