Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Partner of four years refused to go on birth certificate.

84 replies

FrizzyNoodles · 25/03/2016 11:56

It is kind of a long story but in short, it was a surprise pregnancy - failed pill, he didn't want the baby so I was getting ready to leave, he changed his mind and i stayed so now she is a month old. He seems to love her but looks unhappy.

We went to register the birth and at the door he told me he wasn't coming in and drove away so I went and registered her alone in tears. I wanted to give her my last name which could have been part of the problem.

we had such a brilliant relationship and it's been difficult but I was hoping we would get it back at some point in the future.

I'm flat hunting again but I don't feel like the ideal tenant on mat leave and looking into housing benefit.

I should leave shouldn't I? Has this happened to anyone else ever? He was always so lovely and we had a good time together. But I feel like I'll alway have that moment when he just left me to so that on my own and have to leave he father section blank after four years together.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 25/03/2016 18:31

Good. As others say he doesn't have parental responsibility so you dont have to consult him on big decisions.

It really is his loss.

Belikethatthen · 25/03/2016 18:43

Well his decision says it all doesn't it? It's very sad for you and your dd. what a horrible man. I bet his family would be ashamed of him if they knew what he has done and how he is treating you.

Marilynsbigsister · 25/03/2016 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bogeyface · 25/03/2016 19:00

Nice! So the OP and her DD deserve to be treated like this because you are implying that she got pregnant "accidentally on purpose"?!

99percentchocolate · 25/03/2016 19:03

Marilyn - what a vile post. It takes two to tango you know - if he really didn't want a child he could easily have doubled up on contraception. If he desperately didn't want a child then he should have taken his own precautions.

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 25/03/2016 19:03

I couldn't have a termination Marilyns - I said I would leave before she was born as I didn't want us to be unhappy from day 1 but he said he wanted to give it a go. I wasn't planning on a child but I wouldn't change her now.

I really don't know what happened for it to stop working. When I suggested he have a vasectomy he said no though!

OP posts:

99percentchocolate · 25/03/2016 19:06

Frizzy - I'm so sorry you're going through this, what an awful thing to experience. You and your Dd will be much better off without him though.

(And I've reported Marilyn's post)

NameAgeLocation · 25/03/2016 19:06

Marilyn WTF? You just accused the OP of getting pregnant deliberately and lying about it?

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 25/03/2016 19:16

To be fair he may have thought the same thing. Its not what happened but the pill is meant to be 99% so it was quite a shock.

OP posts:

NameAgeLocation · 25/03/2016 19:18

It's 99% or whatever when used 100% correctly. That means that of 100 couples using the pill for a year, 1 will conceive.

Casmama · 25/03/2016 19:22

I suspect in Marylyns essay she meant either 1 or 2.
I don't think it's particularly unpleasant but a bit unnecessary- not sure who she felt needed the situation explained.

Op I'm sorry you are in this position but I think you do need to leave. I would find out how much you are due in child maintenance and give your partner the choice between a voluntary arrangement or going through the CSA or whatever it is called these days.

I think your partner has behaved very badly and on the basis that you didn't chose this either, stop feeling guilty and excusing his cuntish behaviour in that basis

StealthPolarBear · 25/03/2016 19:26

" Your dp never agreed to having a child.
A child happened by default of him having sex with you when he believed you were taking precautions."
Op could say exactly the same from her point of view. Life isn't always fair and it's not up to the woman to right any wrog that happens to a man. Sex can lead to pregnancy. If grown ups have sex that's the reality they need to take ownership of.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2016 19:32

"I should leave shouldn't I?"

Why? Why you? Why not him? You have a very young baby and all the responsibility/paraphenalia that goes with that. Surely it would be easier all round if he finds somewhere else?

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 25/03/2016 19:38

It's his place and I moved in with him so it needs to be me who leaves. Would've been so much easier before she was born but I'll figure it out. I'm off work anyway so cam take my time

OP posts:

Fratelli · 25/03/2016 23:10

Ignore what Marilyn said. If your dp cared so much about unwanted pregnancy then he had the option to wear condoms.
What an awful thing he did. I hope he is struggling to look at himself due to the shame. for you and congratulations on your new daughter

springydaffs · 26/03/2016 00:39

I've tried to make it easy for him as I can. He's not changed any nappies and sleeps on the sofa bed so he's not disturbed at night.

Why would you do that? It takes two to make a baby, two to have a contraception fail. But only one carries it!

If anyone should be 'sleeping on the sofa' it should be you! You housed that baby for 40 weeks, went through the birth. Ffs, why do you think he is such a prize and you should tip-toe around his 'sensibilities'??

He sounds horr-i-ble.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 26/03/2016 07:16

Frizzy, out of interest, did the 2 of you ever discuss children and what would happen if you had a contraception failure, or was this only discussed once it happened? Also, it was a huge shock to both of you so how was he during your pregnancy? He's had 9 months to to get his head around it after all.

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 26/03/2016 07:40

We never discussed a contraceptive failure. To be honest I was really naive as I'm late 30s and fertility is said to decline as you get older. All the health professionals just said I'm that one person who it failed for.

He was angry at first amd I said I would move out but then he changed his mind and wanted to figure it out. He actually seemed happy when they said she was a girl. He's been grumpy though and doesn't really have much affection for me but gives her loads of fuss when he's playing with her.
He's seemed messier - dropping things on the floor but I don't know if I just notice that more because it's harder to pick things up.

He already has a child and I never wanted one although I do lots with his son. We have him every weekend.

It's been stressful and a shock and I got counselling and extra support from the midwives while he got nothing.

I always did see him as the prize. We had such a good relationship and I was ridiculouslying thrilled to be with him. I was hoping we could get through this bit and eventually get to the point where we say we're glad it happened why we're we so awful?

She's sleeping on my chest right now I wouldn't change her but I never imagined myself as a mum. I joined mumsnet to lurk the step parenting section.

OP posts:

Marilynsbigsister · 26/03/2016 09:02

Sorry, but at what point did I say that the OP got pregnant on purpose ?

I suggested it as a possibility and the expected outcome of such a scenario as one explanation of his current behaviour.

Only the OP knows this to be accurate or not. To pretend that this does not happen in relationships (a lot) is to be naive in the extreme. I also clearly say that if someone has sex without taking responsibility for their own fertility then they have to accept a baby could result. - yes it takes to to tango. There is no
Argument from me here on that point. - have sex, contraception fails, pregnancy results, pregnancy results in a baby. These are facts that render both parties responsible.

My point is one about having a choice about being a parent. Becoming a father is simple biology. With that, comes financial obligations which are rightly enshrined in law. The choice to participate in that child's upbringing as a responsible, caring, loving parent - is thankfully just that. A choice. No one should be forced into parenthood if they have not chosen it for themselves.

One way a man can make that point is not to put his name on the birth certificate. Before everyone jumps up and down again, none of this is very pleasant and not the type of behaviour anyone wants from a partner they have had a long relationship with. I am simply offering it as an explanation. All people like to make their own choices. If he felt that he had no choice in becoming a parent beyond a failure of contraception, this could explain his current behaviour.

If a pregnant woman can have that choice of carrying forward a pregnancy that wasn't planned then surely a man, who quite rightly , can not have any input legally or morally into that decision, has the right to decide if they wish to participate in the resulting child's life beyond that which is financially legislated.

99%chocolate. If putting forward a pov which doesn't agree with the MN philosophy that all men should embrace parenthood . (wether chosen or not) ** is suitable to be reported, with the intention of it being deleted. It would be a very sad day for debate. Thankfully they appear to be a little less narrow minded than that.

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 09:12

Um Marilynsbigsister another way would be for the man to wear a fucking condom when he has sex. Yanno take equal responsibility for preventing pregnancy

Anniegetyourgun · 26/03/2016 09:15

I don't think anyone here meant to imply that all men should embrace unwanted parenthood. I would respectfully point out that the OP has said several times she offered to leave but he asked her to stay and work things out. Yet here he is behaving like the one who's trapped. That's hardly fair and decent.

I'm thinking maybe he will come round if he's not normally an arse - but that you do have to be prepared to move out and make your own life without him if necessary (as it seems you are). The dropping things for you to pick up is passive-aggressive in the extreme. This isn't a healthy atmosphere and something has to change radically. Hopefully missing you will provide the wake-up call he needs, but sadly there are no guarantees.

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 26/03/2016 09:26

Marilyn he said he wanted to stay together and work it out. I was getting prepared to leave until he said that. I was giving him a clean break but he said he wanted to work it out. It would've been much easier for me to flat hunt as a pregnant woman with the baby nicely contained than it will be now when she's feeding on demand and I'll have to view places with her. I don't think I'll be a top choice for land lords. He's behaving normally and has had cuddles with her this morning. He has lost his feelings for me.

What happened the other day was cruel I thought. If he had said he didn't want to go when I mentioned booking it I would've handled it better but he got right to the office with me then said he wasn't coming and drove away. It was awful.

Your post was quite blunt. It really wasn't done deliberately and I went through everything that can stop it working and as far as I can tell I didn't. It's fair enough that you made the point though. That scenario does happen.

OP posts:

BombadierFritz · 26/03/2016 09:31

His thinking is 'this was your choice. Therefore you have to do everything'. He is taking the role of a detached but caring uncle rather than an involved father. Did his previous relationship end soon after his first child was born? He sounds really childish. In future years you will be glad he does not have parental responsibility with this man-child

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 26/03/2016 09:32

I was hoping we could Annie, he was always so lovely and I can tell he's unhappy. He looked sad the other day rather than angry.

I feel a bit trapped now myself!!

I've made enquiries online for little studio flats as a temporary solution as they mostly have some or all bills included so it would be easier to either move back in with him or have more time to look for something bigger in the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrizzyNoodles · 26/03/2016 09:36

It did end when his son was young. We have him every weekend though and he's involved now and is good with him.

He doesn't wipe the dining table properly so maybe it's a good thing he leaves the nappies to me

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4