Do I owe to give my DP sex?

[hollowintheriver]

We all know that sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. But when does it make it ok for the woman/man to not want sex, even though the other party is sexually frustrated.

I hope I'm being clear. I've only been in one relationship (which I am in, though not a healthy one), so I don't have experience of what's it's like to be in a healthy relationship. But I've been reading many threads by men and women posting that they are not having much of an active sex life and of course they feel unattractive, not loved even etc and many posters agreed.

So I'm looking back and I'm thinking if I'm in the wrong for refusing to have sex with DP for that matter. He is very sexually frustrated with me, which I must admit has been one of our most problems for the last 8 years, but I guess most of the time I refused to have sex with him was because I always felt used.

So finally going into what I really want to post about. I have a 7 year old DS, and I was pregnant a couple of months ago but-l sadly decided to terminate, because of that reason, I don't want to have sex with DP for now- I can't explain, I guess I'm still grieving. But anyhow, I haven't had sex with DP for 5 months now and as you can imagine he is very sexually frustrated.

I was with DP today, and he was being flirty, I knew what he wanted so I told him that I was on my period and he quickly went away from me and then he got very angry (this was in public), he then resorted to belittling me and putting me down... Saying things like "I've been putting up with this for 9 years, I'm not doing it anymore, you always have an excuse not to have sex with me, but the other girls I speak to don't make up excuses...I can get a girl better than you, I've sacrificed everything for you and this is what I get, I'm not waiting for you, I'm not, even my friend said I'm a dickhead and he introduced me to an app where I can speak to girls, you told me to go to other girls, so I will go to them..*".
*
Then my friend rang me, who I am a bit preoccupied with as she's currently going through domestic violence, when I got off the phone, DP then proceeded to say " your always on your phone to that friend, is she more than important than me, but wait hold on, your quick to pick up the phone to your friend, but you blocked me for four days, when you know I was suppose to see my SON on the weekend".

I blocked him, which I know was wrong, considering he was suppose to see DS on the weekend (we don't live together- yet... But you can kinda see why I'm a bit apprehensive to live with him). But the reason why I blocked him was because everytime he called me he always asked for sex, which was getting me down, a wall along or going to the museum would be nice and I'm up for that, but no, he always wants me to come to his.

Anyway, throughout this "conversation", I was very quiet as I know that if I talk back to him, it would escalate. So DP noticed this and said " Talk then! Why are you not talking! Your ready to chat shit on the phone, but you can't talk now? I said talk!!!".

I make a light conversation as I know he would get even more angry if I didn't say anything.

DP then carried on saying " you don't care that I'm about to get evicted, but you care about your friend more than me, your quick to answer her phone calls but you can't answer mine ". I wanted to say reply it was because that everytime he called me it would start off as...."how's DS...", followed by "can you come to mine?". But I quickly closed my mouth.

Passer bys were looking at us and I told DP to be quiet, then he came up to me- like he was going to fight me and said " Don't tell me what to do, I swear to God don't ".

Luckily, we were coming up to the train station as I'm studying at uni and had to make it to my class, so I told him that I had to go, then he went back to his place.

Honestly, I felt so suffocated during that entire "conversation" I breathed a sigh of relief when he left and considered that I should leave this son of asshole. But then when I read threads that people are getting. Sexually frustrated and that sex is important in a relationship, I then feel bad and start feeling sorry for DP.

What do you mumsnetters think?

but why am I finding it so difficult to leave him? That's what I can't get my head around.

Sadly it's because your self worth calibration is broken. Only you can know why, but it is, I can assure you.

Good looking or not, any woman with a degree is self worth, wouldn't give this loser the time of day. I dread to think of the damage your relationship is doing to your son. Is this the way you want your son to be when he grows up?

As PP have sad, you are nothing but a booty call to this loser. He is the father of your DS and he pays nothing, provides nothing!!!

Think of your son, build an environment where he will grow to be a good, honest respectful man. From what you write that's as far away from your loser as you can get.

You do realise this sent about sex don't you?

*You do realise this isn't about sex don't you?

I'm still stuck on the title of this thread...

No, you don't owe anyone sex. End of.

Thank you Dr and everyone else, your advise has been very helpful. Oh Dr what do you mean by "Calibration"? I had to go a quick google but don't know what you mean.

But I'm afraid of being alone, but it's funny because in actual fact I am alone and feel alone.

But yes your right, I don't want DS thinking that this is normal, I want to do better for myself and for him. I'm so thankful for the advice I have received on this board, If it wasn't for you guys, I'll be thinking that this relationship is normal. But it's not and is no where near healthy.

Thank you all.

No... It's not about sex, looking deeper, it actually isn't the main problem... He is and my self worth is the problem

I think what DrMorbius is saying that you have decided that you are only worth someone like your current DP.

You said that people wonder how you got him. Who are these people? They are part of the problem why you think you are not worth someone better.

Could you make a list of good and bad things about your DP? Apart from his looks and his being nice to your DS, there doesn't seem to be anything else. A man that does not provide for his children and consider his partner's needs is not attractive.

As your DS grows older, he will notice how your DP behaves to you and think that it's normal behaviour.

for you hollow.

At least if you're alone without him hanging around you, you are leaving open to a real relationship. At the moment, you are alone, but have no freedom.

So I feel like I'm "lucky" to have DP - but you don't have him. As PP said, you're his booty call, to put it nicely.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he does not support his child. He's abusive. He lets you struggle alone and whistles for you to run over whenever he's horny.

Good partner should make your life easier, more pleasant. Does he? Can you imagine living your life without worrying if you should 'give him sex' and in what mood he will be again?

Reading through your initial post, I did not wade through the replies so apologies if my comments are duplicate.

First of all are you in a relationship with the guy or not? If not then tell him to go away as he has no right to tell you what to do/say/think.

The easy way to test this is to ask yourself how you would feel if you saw him with another woman, if it that would upset you in any way then you are in a relationship of some description.

So if you are in a relationship then both of you need to service each others needs ( not just talking about sex before the cry-bullying yelling starts ). We all have need for intimacy/friendship and yes sex. If either of you fail to satisfy the other then you need make it known and if that fails then leave the relationship. If you want to be a just friend then say so. Both of you you have this right, but if he forms a sexual relationship with another woman, you need to respect that. He needs to respect your space and he needs to respect yours.

Thank you Katherine even though your words hurt, they are the truth and leelu they were people from our teenage years, but whenever I'm with "DP" I see people looking at him, then back at me, then looking at him again and I know what they are thinking.

So what should my next steps be?

Do I tell him that I've had enough?

Should I block him from my phone? As he always texts me when he wants me to see me...But then again how would he get through to me if he can't see DS.

What happens if the pestering gets worse? Do I inform the police? As he was violent before when I refused to give him sex.

I'm sorry, I was too harsh. Was not the intention to hurt you - just that you seem to have a very low self esteem and very low requirements for a relationship. It doesn't have to be like that, there are lenty of lovely men out there, that will actually make you happy. When was the last time this tosser made you genuinely happy?

Totally blocking him is tricky as you do have a child together. But yes, you can make it clear that you've had enough, your relationship is now over and you don't want to hear from him unless this concerns your son. You can then ignore the rest of the texts.

Thank you Katherine I know you didn't mean to hurt me but the truth hurts and because I know it's true, it hurts even more.

Thank you, I will totally do that.

I see people looking at him, then back at me, then looking at him again and I know what they are thinking.

They could be thinking what are you doing with him? It's not important what people think. They don't know what kind of people you are. Sometimes people want to make you feel bad.

As Katherine says, make it clear to him that you have had enough. And only deal with him in relation to DS. Does he spend time with your DS at your home? That should stop I think.

What happens if the pestering gets worse? Do I inform the police? As he was violent before when I refused to give him sex.

Make it clear to him that the next time he harasses you (sexually or otherwise) or gets violent with you, you will be calling the police. And mean it. He has no right to touch you without your permission.

If you don't mind a male perspective, I'm a guy who is in a dead-bedroom situation (of my wife's instigation), and who feels strongly that a healthy sexual relationship is a very important pillar of many (not all) relationships, I'll just say that no, I do not believe I am "owed" sex. Not in any way, shape or form.

My wife, for example, has every right to not have sex. Every right. What she can't do, is demand that I ignore this, contrary to my own wants and needs. It is abusive to bully or manipulate your partner into sex. I would never do that. But I can't pretend I'm happy about it, nor can I pretend that this situation can go on forever without redress. It is a threat to my relationship, because it makes me unhappy.

That's what I'd say generally. On the specific point of your own relationship, your DP sounds like a bit of an ar*ehole, and I hope that you can see the difference between a guy being a total dick and still expecting you to put out, versus the general issue of sexless relationships often being problematic for one partner.

@elflim

I agree, your wife can say "no sex" but then she should not get upset if you have sex with other woman. We all have needs unless your a SJW who has an agenda.

I wonder what the reaction here would be if a husband complained that he does not want sex anymore because he wife does not arouse him after childbirth? Would all be his fault, he would be the one with the problem. I believe that both sides have the right to say no to sex. You have the right to control your body sexually or otherwise. Your partner has those same rights and if they need sex they will have sex with a willing woman. Just the way it is/should be.

Hollowingheriver, you need to do the Freedom Programme. Google it and see if there's one running near you.

You need to call Women's Aid (they're hard to get through to, so persevere, it could take a few days).

You need to get this sorry excuse for a human being out of your life. With luck, once he realises that you really are no longer going to service him, he'll disappear of his own accord.

Get on to CMS and start your claim for child maintenance. The twat has no job but he can send some of his weed money in your direction. A couple of quid a week can make a bit of difference to you, maybe only make the difference between a bus fair to a nice park and going to the one round the corner, but hey. Every little helps as they say.

You are better than him. You have taken responsibility for your child and your life. He hasn't. He hasn't even got a job, and spends his dole on weed. You're better than that, and you deserve a lot better than him.

You will only meet the decent, kind man you deserve when you have got rid of the crap chap you have. Get rid.

@mozatron

I wouldn't put it like that. It's too dogmatic a position. Context is everything.

I'd simply say that unilaterally withdrawing from the physical side of a relationship, without good reason, and expecting your partner to just accept it, is a recipe for trouble.

And clearly there are mitigating circumstances where the partner should endeavour to be understanding, even sometimes for very long periods.

Just want to be clear to the OP, your partner sounds like bad news and you're better off without, simply brought up my own situation to emphasise that even a man in a similiar-ish position would not see his behaviour as at all reasonable.

the man is an abusive shit. none of this is your fault. also you're not in a relationship with him... he uses you for sex, he isn't your DP. you just need to end things. you're so young. you'll find a lovely person once all this is in the past!!

Thank you leelu but why am I finding it so difficult to leave him? That's what I can't get my head around.

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't even think it's a self worth issue. The fact is that human beings bond with each other, extremely strongly - your brain chemistry literally changes when you bond with someone and it's almost like an addiction, if you feel they are out of your life, you start to crave them and have all kinds of desperate thoughts to get them back in your life, you think about "being alone" and all that...

it's just your brain wanting that bond to be reinforced. Lord knows this was a useful feature of the human brain when we NEEDED to stay in couples/families else we'd get eaten by sabre tooth tigers and so on.

but, the sad fact is that you can bond to a person who is a complete shit / abuser / criminal (and the person you describe is definitely a shit/abuser/criminal, sorry) and feel enormous love for them. feeling that bond and fearing that it will end is NOT enough of a reason to keep the bond going.

a heroin addict feels a similar kind of bond to heroin... feeling afraid of going without heroin isn't a good reason to keep taking heroin!!!!

you bond the most strongly when...
... you are young
... you are having sex with the person
... you have a baby with the person
... and, sadly, when they abuse you. Because abuse can activate that "I need to please this person so they won't leave me all alone in the jungle" part of the brain.... which, again, was useful in the stone age... but isn't as useful now...

you tick all those boxes. no wonder you struggle to imagine ending things.

BUT... you can end it.
don't say a word, just block him. I recommend going to the baggage reclaim website and reading about "no contact". it will help. the situation you are in is an addiction type of thing... the answer is cold turkey no contact.

sending you love. i'm sorry it's so hard. you will be OK... be gentle with yourself and remember that nothing that you're feeling is wrong or even unusual!!!

Mozatron

I've been the high libido one,I had "needs", I dealt with them myself and didn't find myself a willing man outside my relationship because I actually loved my partner.

I am currently the low libido one, my partner has "needs" and he deals with it and isn't out finding himself a willing woman outside our relationship because he actually loves me.

It's about respect and love.

Your argument doesn't belong on a thread that's about a woman who's partner is failing at the basics of a relationship..although I'm not sure you understand the concept of one anyway

Oh wow! Thank you guys for your replies.

Thestamp Are you a therapist ? You are absolutely spot on and that's exactly how I feel, it is like an addiction, when I choose not to speak to him for a long period of time, I crave him, which makes me want to get back with him. I would also look up the "No contact rule", does the rule take into regard children?

Boaty your exactly right! I kept telling DS dad that even a couple of pounds ( even £2.00) a week would be nice.

I guess apart of me wants to go back to him, because I want him to "give" me back the baby I terminated. It's stupid isn't it.