Do I owe to give my DP sex?

[hollowintheriver]

We all know that sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. But when does it make it ok for the woman/man to not want sex, even though the other party is sexually frustrated.

I hope I'm being clear. I've only been in one relationship (which I am in, though not a healthy one), so I don't have experience of what's it's like to be in a healthy relationship. But I've been reading many threads by men and women posting that they are not having much of an active sex life and of course they feel unattractive, not loved even etc and many posters agreed.

So I'm looking back and I'm thinking if I'm in the wrong for refusing to have sex with DP for that matter. He is very sexually frustrated with me, which I must admit has been one of our most problems for the last 8 years, but I guess most of the time I refused to have sex with him was because I always felt used.

So finally going into what I really want to post about. I have a 7 year old DS, and I was pregnant a couple of months ago but-l sadly decided to terminate, because of that reason, I don't want to have sex with DP for now- I can't explain, I guess I'm still grieving. But anyhow, I haven't had sex with DP for 5 months now and as you can imagine he is very sexually frustrated.

I was with DP today, and he was being flirty, I knew what he wanted so I told him that I was on my period and he quickly went away from me and then he got very angry (this was in public), he then resorted to belittling me and putting me down... Saying things like "I've been putting up with this for 9 years, I'm not doing it anymore, you always have an excuse not to have sex with me, but the other girls I speak to don't make up excuses...I can get a girl better than you, I've sacrificed everything for you and this is what I get, I'm not waiting for you, I'm not, even my friend said I'm a dickhead and he introduced me to an app where I can speak to girls, you told me to go to other girls, so I will go to them..*".
*
Then my friend rang me, who I am a bit preoccupied with as she's currently going through domestic violence, when I got off the phone, DP then proceeded to say " your always on your phone to that friend, is she more than important than me, but wait hold on, your quick to pick up the phone to your friend, but you blocked me for four days, when you know I was suppose to see my SON on the weekend".

I blocked him, which I know was wrong, considering he was suppose to see DS on the weekend (we don't live together- yet... But you can kinda see why I'm a bit apprehensive to live with him). But the reason why I blocked him was because everytime he called me he always asked for sex, which was getting me down, a wall along or going to the museum would be nice and I'm up for that, but no, he always wants me to come to his.

Anyway, throughout this "conversation", I was very quiet as I know that if I talk back to him, it would escalate. So DP noticed this and said " Talk then! Why are you not talking! Your ready to chat shit on the phone, but you can't talk now? I said talk!!!".

I make a light conversation as I know he would get even more angry if I didn't say anything.

DP then carried on saying " you don't care that I'm about to get evicted, but you care about your friend more than me, your quick to answer her phone calls but you can't answer mine ". I wanted to say reply it was because that everytime he called me it would start off as...."how's DS...", followed by "can you come to mine?". But I quickly closed my mouth.

Passer bys were looking at us and I told DP to be quiet, then he came up to me- like he was going to fight me and said " Don't tell me what to do, I swear to God don't ".

Luckily, we were coming up to the train station as I'm studying at uni and had to make it to my class, so I told him that I had to go, then he went back to his place.

Honestly, I felt so suffocated during that entire "conversation" I breathed a sigh of relief when he left and considered that I should leave this son of asshole. But then when I read threads that people are getting. Sexually frustrated and that sex is important in a relationship, I then feel bad and start feeling sorry for DP.

What do you mumsnetters think?

Okay, so you're right that loving consensual sex is very important in a relationship. BUT there will be times in any long term relationship when one or both parties aren't willing or aren't able to have sex.

When this happens in a loving relationship, the partner wanting sex is empathetic and tries to support the other.

Obviously if this goes on for years, you would want to seek counselling and/or talk about it. BUT you can still say no.

It's complicated because any person can say they are unhappy in a relationship, but when it becomes trying to coerce the other it's not okay.

No man is owed sex. It is your body and it's up to you what you do with it.

You won't be attracted to this man because he is abusive, why would you want sex with him. He doesn't have any respect for you, you say no to sex and he causes a public scene.

You say you don't live together yet, we'll never do.
Really you need to end this and find a man that respects you

If you don't live with him and he doesn't support your son, what have you got to lose by leaving him? You have everything to gain.

He is no dear partner. You owe him nothing. He resents and refuses to support his own child, and is physically and verbally abusive - I'm amazed you can even stand to be in the same room.

The only bright spot here is that he doesn't live with you. If he has a key,I would change the locks and then end the relationship. If he is then abusive, you can go to the police.

What is he like with your ds, is he kind or does he behave the same way?

Right now you may not see it but you are in a good position, you don't live together and are financially independent from him.

I'd end things and apply to cms for maintenance.

"What have you got to lose by leaving him?".

Being alone.

Sad as it sounds, DS has complex special needs, and you do feel lonely. None of my friends with kids understand that having a child who has complex needs is isolating.

I also a remember while ago that DP use to say that I wouldn't find anyone new; as one, no guy would want to be with a man who has children, let alone a child with special needs. So I guessed I always remembered that and thought I would rather put up with him and be alone.

Lunar his very nice to DS. But that's about it.

Your hopefully soon to be ex partner is 100% wrong to say that no man would want someone who already has kids, special needs or otherwise. He is talking about men like him ie. scumbags not worthy of your time.

A true man who respects and loves you as you are won't care about the fact you have kids because that is also a part of who you are. It might take time to find one of those men, but that still has to be better than a life of fear, doubt and misery with a loser who plainly doesn't care about you.

Also, if the bastard cares about his DS so much get him paying child support.

Thank you crazycatdad your absolutely right.

You should never have sex you don't want.

I think you should never move in with him. Let him go and find another woman to bully shag to his heart's content.

You fear being alone, but what kind of companion is he? A relationship with such a man is a very lonely place to be. He isn't about to have a personality transplant. This as good as he gets, and it is shit.

Free yourself.

I think I've got some trainers you can borrow, run for the fucking hills...

Seriously, start breaking away from this man- let him cheat then you have grounds to tell him to fuck off. Please don't move in with this person.

He's a complete jerk

To be honest, the way the he spoke to me the other day, kinda confirmed that he was cheating on me.

We are both 24, I'm hoping that since his still young, there's room to change. But his been like this ever since I fell pregnant with DS.

I can't imagine anything lonelier than being with a man like that.

Do you have anyone to talk to OP? Family or friends? Do they know what he's like? I think you need rl support.

And from everything you say, I would say you have yet to know the joys of sex as your current partner isn't interested in pleasing anyone other than himself

He hasn't physically abused me for nearly three years, but that could be because I've been avoiding him.

I'd recommend avoiding him permanently and forever. Nothing good will come from this and you know it.

You will be happier on your own. It will take a while, maybe months, but you will be much happier.
I am a single parent of three DC, two have SEN/complex needs and one is a toddler.
It's easier that being with a cuntless idiot of a bloke.

You were only 17 when you had your son? This monster you describe is the father? I think you have been deeply unlucky that you encountered this abusive man at such a naive age. I think he is dangerous and bless whatever circumstances made it that you don't live together. I truly believe that you should be getting this man out of your life in any way you can without any urge to facilitate relations with DS.

What does DS feel about him? Would he miss him if he vanished or you moved away out of reach?

Let this brute chase his other lovelies and please please consider this awful relationship over.

His behaviour will only become further entrenched and escalate because so far he has never been called to task. It's not your job to save his soul or educate him as to being a civilised, proper man and at 24 - to be horribly honest - it's too late. Chronologically he's young, in terms of a mindful enlightenment for treating others right, mother of his child right, sex and love right - nope. Too set in his entitled ways already. Please go it alone and show DS how to be a real man, loving and caring and all that good stuff.

And NO - you do not EVER owe him sex! Unlike himself who owes you plenty of child maintenance. Sorry about repeated posts .. should gather my thoughts in one go.

Yes tipsy we were both young when we had DS. DS seems to really like him, and he would be miss him if he never got to see him again.

But thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I do need to leave him, I just kept thinking, whilst he made that scene in public, that I can't keep on living like this. Honestly, I felt so suffocated through that entire conversation, I was scared to say something wrong, incase he batters me.

But I do need to go and move on, no matter how hard it will be.

Being alone is GREAT!

Honestly, I can't recommend it enough after a long-term abusive relationship. IME being alone means discovering just how much you're capable of, growing in self confidence, making new friends who really suit you; pursuing things that really suit you, and having FUN without the soul-sucking black cloud of an abuser around.

Being alone is something to be EMBRACED, hollwintheriver. Believe you me.

Sex is very important in relationships and a lack of sex indicates a problem. I know many people are jumping on him but 9 years of being sexually rejected has taken a toll on him. You need to find the root cause of your lack of desire. You should seek individual counseling maybe something from your past is haunting you. Talk to your doctor it could be a medical issue. and couples therapy for your relationship you guys clearly need that.
you should want to have sex with your partner and having sex shouldn't make you feel bad. and just giving in to have sex every time isn't going to fix things especially if your partner knows your not into it. its going to keep frustrating him and poison your relationship if its worth saving at this point.

Dumbshmuk I don't know. I think it all started when DP kept on pressuring me for sex when we were around 16, I gave in and since then, it became a regular occurrence. When he asked for sex, I would always give in, as he I knew he would get into a temper tantrum. This carried on for many months, it became like a chore, whenever he wanted it, I would give him no complaints then bang.. DS was conceived.

He still carried on, I wasn't happy, sex felt like something that I HAD to give him, in order for him to stay with me. He wasn't providing for DS, being a good dad etc.

After a couple of years, I finally became strong to saying "No" to his demands, it wasn't fair. He has never taken me out anywhere eg. To a restaurant, a walk along the park, since we were 18. It was always finding a time so that I could go to his place for sex. I felt used, constantly.

DS is now 7, and it hasn't stopped. I wanted better, I wanted a man to support myself and DS, to take us out, to provide us money, emotional support. I didn't want a man, who would see DS every after the week, but would be calling my phone so that I could come to his house for sex.

So couple counselling? I don't think so. It's just about control. I remember a time when DP came to my house (very angrily) as I refused to give him sex then and there... And do you know what he said to me? He said that I owed it to him, that the reason why he kept asking me for arc was because I hated giving it to him.

DS has complex needs and I've spent so much money on therapy, lessons etc, his dad hasn't paid a penny, but yet when he calls me for sex, he expects me to run to his aid...Not anymore. I'm not doing it anymore.