Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

I acknowledged that, due to the turmoil of parenting, we fell into a sexless marriage pattern during this time. I was uneducated on the causes and fixes, so I unfortunately let this go on for 9 miserable months, barely avoiding a sexual affair So good of you not to break your vows! Did you tell your wife that you "barely avoided an affair?" (genuine question)

In my marriage, one of the big changes we made to address her always being too tired for sex was my wife quit her job ... she left that job entirely. Also we agreed on several things that she would no longer do: she just had to accept that certain things were not that critical, and it was not worth her doing those to the extent she was too tired for intimacy. We hired more baby sitters, and mommy's helpers. I stopped cutting our grass and paid a local boy. Overall we reduced the total number of things we (especially she) were doing, with the specific goal of creating time for our marriage. See, NOWHERE in here does it say that you started to do more around the house, or free up time for her (on her own) to relax & do what she wanted. Yes, you booked babysitters (benefits you both) and mummy helpers(benefits you both), yet all YOU did was pay a kid to cut your grass! So on lessening her "chores/responsibilities" you also lessened yours, under the guise of "intimacies sake", when in actual fact all you did was decide that she couldn't be doing less if you weren't doing less.

You specifically freed up her time for sex, not for your marriage. EVERYTHING you have said about your "compromise" has been about ways that your wife can free up time for YOU. Did YOU every free up HER time, for HER? Or did you just free up her time so she was available for sex?

You do NOT have to have sex to keep your DH It depends what you mean. If you mean on any given night, any given week? You are totally right about that. If you mean for several weeks at a time and the main reason is "too tired" ? I could not disagree more!

So you do think that women should have sex they don't want, in order not to lose their husband, and along with him, their home, their security & their children's security? And you say your wife knows this?

I would say that if you look at your situation with your head on properly, your wife pretty much IS having sex (on occasion, probably not always) when she doesn't want, because of your shallow threats! She knows she stands to lose a lot if she doesn't have sex. And that, my friend...is called coercion.

Nice one.

Put out or I leave? I would phrase it much differently And you did, but it amounts to the same thing!

Alot of rage on this board. Could this all be from sexual frustration? Lighten up ladies! ODFOD

So you do think that women should have sex they don't want, in order not to lose their husband, and along with him, their home, their security & their children's security?

I'll just say that I don't advocate that persons comments at all, but I do want to say that no-one should have to stay in a sexless marriage.

No one should have to feel pressured into sex either.

But compatibility is a big part of a relationship.

And I say that as a person who's young and doesn't have much sex, I'm talking like months without sex, because we are both on the same page with it.

I could never be married to somebody with such negative views of sex as to use terms like sexpestering, pressurizing, badgering. This is not some high school creep, but your own husband for crying out loud ! Why are you even married to any man who you feel is doing those things to you? If that is really what goes on in your house, just end the marriage. It is cruel to string some man along, pretending to be his loving partner, picking and choosing only the parts of marriage that suit your whims, when actually you hold contempt for his natural sex drive and desire to be intimate with you. That is such a totally fake marriage. Trust me this is NOT NORMAL.

In a normal marriage, both the husband and the wife have an actual desire for sex with each other. Nobody is sexpetering, pressurizing, badgering in a good marriage because both partners WANT to be with each other! That is what happens in a compatible marriage.

This is not some high school creep, but your own husband for crying out loud

Then perhaps he needs to start acting like a husband, and not a high school creep!!!

As for my marriage, my wife unfortunately does now have a pretty low libido. She would probably want sex (based solely on her own libido) about once per month. That is a massive change versus when we first got together, and dated, and several years of marriage, it was every-other-day which is still my preferred frequency. We have compromised and now average 2X per week. Note that this is less than my ideal, but higher than hers. Note also that we are just about "average" if you believe the surveys about marital sex frequency. So the accusations that I've bullied her into having unreasonable amounts of unwanted sex is simply not true.

There is alot of anger over the fact my wife actually has sex with her husband at a normal level. Why does this make you mad? This is completely normal. My views are not extreme, not PUA, not an entitled arsehole. This is exactly how most men think. I met a girl, mutual attraction, we date a while, we start getting serious, eventually we start having sex. Thoughts of marriage begin, and we start to evaluate the long term compatibility of this girl. There are lots of factors that go into the decision to get married, but you better believe that sexual compatibility is very high on every man's list. We are well aware of the risks that a future wife is really just going along to attract and secure a mate, only then to reveal her true nature (hint: low libido). Trust me every guy knows this scam, has heard the horror stories. It is called bait-and-switch. I do not believe my wife did this to me on purpose, although I do think some people intentionally do this. I think something happened once the kids arrived, she changed. I don't blame her for this change. But neither was I able to survive in a sexless marriage. I am glad that my wife decided to work with me and we both compromised. Had that not worked out, we were sexually incompatible and the only things left would be hall pass, or divorce. Very few people have a low enough libido to stay in a sexless marriage. Even to say "just a few months, while the babies are little" is an outrageously selfish attitude. How about I just not spend any QualityTime with you for the next 9 months? Doesn't that sound cruel? Would you expect a spouse to just go along with that kind of suddenly cold treatment?

Perhaps he IS acting like a husband, and you should start acting like a wife.

I've not read the whole thread so I can barely comment, but I know from past threads women who have said their partners haven't been able to fulfil their needs sexually have been advised to talk about it and if no resolution think about the relationship as a whole.

Sex, whilst not a big part of my relationship, is a big part of most people's and it something that needs to be acknowledged. No one should be forced to deny their urges and live in celibacy, and no one should be coerced or forced into sex.

No-one is talking about TheRedPill (look it up) sort of logic here, they're talking about needs that in a relationship people have.

Perhaps he IS acting like a husband, and you should start acting like a wife.

I Should starting like a wife? This thread isn't about me, and I have not overshared information regarding my marriage on here, so how can you even start to tell me what to do? That shit may fly with your wife, it won't work here.

But then I assume you meant the op, and you were just too busy telling us all what a great catch you are, and how you coerced your wife into having sex more frequently than she would like, to actually take notice of what you post.

I think something happened once the kids arrived, she changed Really?? something changed? She had your children. Of course she changed. Please don't tell me that you were stupid enough to think your dick would always be her priority?

Many people can be profoundly disadvantaged when one half of a relationship decides they cannot compromise and walks out
And? I don't see how this is different from other compromises. If I was a sexually charged woman and my husband decided we were no longer having sex then is that not my right to exit a relationship I am not happy with? Or must I live a life of celibacy?

My dick need not be her top priority. But a sexually active marriage most certainly needs to make it onto her list of priorities, and not on the "every 6 weeks" schedule

Children do NOT require so much attention that precludes other important activities, for example sex. If you think otherwise that is a very selfish perspective that will probably cause great conflict in your marriage.

I don't agree with the above poster. I find it hard to think someone who could say such things has cared much full time for pre schoolers. I have one child and a full time job. I feel exhausted most of the time and I can't even contemplate how knackered I'd be with 3 more of them!

OP, DH and I did the Relate sex therapy course a while ago and it was very useful. It was really interesting and useful for me to hear in the presence of a neutral and calm third party how he felt and vice versa. I just wanted to say that they have a long waiting list often, you have to do an initial meeting and then attend on the same evening every week for a number of weeks and they give you 'homework' to do. Therefore as you have 4 DC and it sounds like your husband works away a lot, it's going to take a fair hit of advance planning.

However maybe you'd both feel a bit better if you had a plan to address it.

I really hope your wife wakes up and smells the coffee one day Mike and realises she's married to a misogynist arsehole who views her as little more than a fuckhole

Phineyj do you recall how many weeks?

Mike when your wife met you did she realise that you would have no compassion or understanding about the changes that having children can and often impact on a woman? I would love to hear your wife's side of things I really would.

Lynda I'm couldn't agree more.

I don't see how this is different from other compromises.

Its not, all I pointed out is that if people cant make compromises together one will suffer alone for that, or make decisions that will be profoundly life altering for both of them in other ways, including kids not connected to the situation. What is reasonable, what is unreasonable, is a matter of opinion. A mother loses her libido due to breastfeeding and expects her partner to be patient with that. Sounds reasonable to me. My wife breastfed for six months and her libido did not diminish. Still, had it, I would have been OK with it. I would expect any reasonable man (or female partner) to be able to deal with a situation like that for six months, without resentment. On the other hand, one of my cousins breastfed her child for five years, till a few months before kindergarten. Some time between six months and five years, using breastfeeding as a reason, it would simply wear out its legitimacy with a partner.

If you think otherwise that is a very selfish perspective that will probably cause great conflict in your marriage. You would really like that, wouldn't you. But nope...it doesn't. No conflict in my marriage & certainly no need to have anyone cast an ultimatum of "have sex with me or I leave" because we are adults who understand that our children have needs too.

Did you tell your wife that you "barely avoided an affair?" (genuine question)

Any answer to this, Mike?

Wow, miker you have a very utilitarian view of sex. Looking after children is a job - albeit one most of us do out of love. you're acting like having sex with you is a job, too.

Having been in a position where my dh occupied your 'side', I'd just like to say that I would expect most human beings (including men) to act considerably more compassionately and lovingly than you have. My dh has never asked me to 'prioritise his dick' or give up my job (financial and intellectual freedom) in order to have sex with him.

It is actually very normal for women with young children to have a low libido. Your wife is not the one with a problem.

Mike, is your surname Hunt, by any chance?

Not much to add to this thread, but I'd just like to register that the extraordinary statements Mike is making about how 'every man' thinks about marriage and how 'all guys' suspect a woman may be leading them on to trap them into marriage, are objectively nonsense. As you all already know, clearly. I don't think I've ever written an As A Man... post before (thankfully!), but if people like this are going to claim that all men approach marriage in this way, or every guy suspects women then, ahem, 'as a man...' that's ludicrous and clearly not the case. As I said, very little to add.

Ole mikey has already outed himself on this thread as a red piller (see his book recommendations) so he doesn't actually care what any women think, feel or say, whether on this thread or in his bed. They are just service-providers to him. It's not worth engaging with

marathon - you are not going to get a fair hearing on MN and that's a given.

Some things you have said make sense in general but when you have gone into the particulars of your own marriage relationship I am quite disturbed.

For example:

"As for my marriage, my wife unfortunately does now have a pretty low libido. She would probably want sex (based solely on her own libido) about once per month. That is a massive change versus when we first got together, and dated, and several years of marriage, it was every-other-day which is still my preferred frequency. We have compromised and now average 2X per week. Note that this is less than my ideal, but higher than hers. "

How do you make that work in practice? It must be that your DW is having sex when she doesnt want to?. Do you see the problem with that?

It seems very wrong to me.

Mike what you are saying is so outrageous that I'm beginning to think you are trolling. You don't actually need a wife, you could make do with a fuck buddy and a housekeeper.

Miker post at 3.52 Totally grim. Not surprised the wife doesn't want sex more than once a month. Feel sick just reading this.
Oh and the irony - she gave up work to be more available but actually still really want sex once a month. I wonder how she feels the rest of the time she puts out when he's sitting there with the bar chart comparing with the national average ... The whole thing is grim and pathetic.

Perhaps he IS acting like a husband, and you should start acting like a wife.

Mikey, you said this last night. I would just like to say that I have a friend whose ex-H is currently serving a jail sentence for marital rape. He used to say this exact same thing to her - it was cited in court. There was no physical violence involved - purely emotional abuse and coercion.

Think on that.