Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

dizzytomato
"What the OP describes as sulking could be a sign of depression."
Eh? There is a huge difference between the two. The behaviour OP describes is clearly sulking and not depression. Tbh your comment is quite an insult to people with depression, most of whom would never behave in that way. Depression usually affects libido so it would make someone less in the mood for sex. It also wouldn't turn someone into a sulking, emotionally manipulative twat.

HTH

If men as a group's sense of worth is so wrapped up in requiring access to another human being's body, then they collectively need serious therapy.

I'm serious - I like sex and physical contact within a relationship is important to me, it is pleasurable and comforting and makes me feel close to the person I'm in a relationship with. But it is no one's responsibility to give me access to their bodies for this if they don't want to, and it is not ok for me to use coercive behaviour (and sulking is coercive) to get what I want.

No Emma, there are two people in a relationship.
He is not a special snowfkake, he is a human. What keyboardMum has is empathy. I agree, we have been through stages, always after children where our sex life dwindled. I felt like the OP and my husband didn't pressure me so I didn't feel worse. He did say that without even a hug he feels lonely and rejected. So we made sure we hugged, he sometimes tried to progress this and I always made it clear that it was me and next time I woukd try. I went to him for hugs, even kisses. Eventually my sex drive returned. Had I just decided that as I was breastfeeding and always tired then he should just change snd adapt, then I would have been the selfish little snowflake.

AnotherEmma, wow... do you have something against men? Because that was loaded with contempt.

Did I say at any point that men need to be shagged at all times? No: I said that there's likely to be emotional fallout, which is a fair assessment.

Nothing wrong with examining both sides. There are two of them in the relationship.

Lynda for most people if they had a good day out with their family and DH then a natural progression of that day MIGHT be that they would have sex that night a you know you come him after having a good day and your OH makes a suggestion and your in a good mood because of your day out then it wouldn't be unreasonable to think a lot of people would have sex in that scenario.

What I'm saying is I get the impression OP had made her mind up before they even got home that she wasn't going to have sex no matter what kind of day she had or if she was in a good mood etc. Etc. What I read her last post was that she has already rejected her DHs advances before he has even made them.

No it's not an insult to people with depression. I have known people very close to me that have depression. I have heard people using the words "snap out of it" "oh stop sulking" to these peoplr. It is one of the reasons people with depression have a hard time getting understood. It is sadly common to brush off depression.

And no depression affects people differently, it doesn't always affect the libifo of men.

Especially over a long period of time. IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS....

differentnameforthis for some people three weeks is a long time. - just because you think differently doesn't mean they are wrong - stop shouting at other people who have a different opinion.

HapShawl, I do agree that there are better ways to handle feeling rejected.

AnotherEmma, are you a doctor? People experience depression differently.

KeyboardMum
"AnotherEmma, wow... do you have something against men? Because that was loaded with contempt."
Sure, of course I do, I'm a feminist so I must be a man-hater, right?!
I have a problem with making excuses for men who are behaving badly. Sulking to the extent this man is because he's not getting as much sex as he would like is behaving badly. And I have resorted to sarcasm (which you read as "contempt", fair enough) because I am finding this thread very frustrating.

dizzytomato - Exactly that.

Naicehamshop, my guy and I have a very hectic life. He works long days and we have 4 all consuming children. Most times we fall into bed knackered. But we still make time for each other. Hes always tired, but he never pulls the 'I'm too tired one' on me or me on him, but then we both enjoy it. It's not sad, it's just life. And I think I'm very lucky to have him. We are relatively evenly matched when it comes to sex drives. It must be awful to be in a relationship where there is a mismatch.

And for some three weeks can feel like a lifetime. Everyone has different sex drives. Even Masliw recognised it. The bottom rung of essential, Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep. To some sex is as important as food and drink.

No one is right or wrong here. 3 sexless weeks to some maybe water off of a ducks back, whilst to others it could be a massive issue.

First off I am sorry you feel this way but I don't think you are taking his needs in consideration as well. We all go through problems with DP but it does sound as if you have talked about this with out one of your getting cross. If this does not get sorted some major is going to happen and I guess you both want what is best for your children so talk or get some help because just saying No all the time is not going to help.

Dizzytomato - you haven't bothered to read all the posts, have you?
The OP has tried to offer hugs and affection and her DH has then tried to escalate affection into sex. When she has said that she doesn't want sex, he has behaved in a very unkind way and accused her of having something wrong with her and told her that she needs therapy.
This is NOT acceptable peeps. That's all.

One would presume, that when you got married, your sex life was pretty good. Or you probably wouldn't have got married.

Things have now changed (for you), because you have small children and you are knackered. This is understandable. However, his desire has not dwindled. He is now tied to someone, who makes it very clear that his advances (that were once met with warmth) are no longer wanted.

Neither of you is "in the wrong". It's understandable that you are tired. But it is also understandable that his desire for sex has not changed and he is upset at the continual rejection.

I would review the situation when your child is around 2 and/or sleeping thru, and you are not so tired. If you still don't desire him, maybe the relationship isn't going to last.

Like Marylynsbigsister, I have been on both sides. My first H sex drive did not change, but after children mine dipped. The longest we went without was 2 months. Eventually he sought sex elsewhere. In the end we split up.

I remarried and my sexdrive was, at this point, through the roof. The fact is, I found my current DH far more sexy that the first H. He lights a fire in me, that the first H just couldn't find. I still feel the same about DH, as I did when we met (many years ago). I fancy him loads. However, when he was bereaved, his drive dippped a bit and I felt rejected often. It is totally soul destroying.

Thankfully, this did not last long, and things are back to normal.

You need to find a compromise.

Often on MN, the man gets such hard judgment. That's not fair. He hasn't changed. You have. For an understandable reason, but I would caution against pushing him away so often that your little family explodes.

And in a passionate, loving relationship, 3 weeks IS a long time to not connect with your Partner. Maybe sometimes it can't be avoided. But surely it's not ideal.

I think in your shoes, I would set a day of the week for sex. Sounds non spontaneous, but needs must. Whatever your least tiring day is. For me that's a Weds, soin your shoes, I would say Weds night, half hour slot for regular sex.

"To some sex is as important as food and drink."

the massive difference here (apart from the fact that sex is not a material requirement for an individual's survival) is that consumption of food and drink doesn't require access to another person's body. Sex is consensual between two people - you cannot demand it of another human being regardless of how much you think you "need" it. It is no one's responsibility to permit you access to their body for whatever reason. Lumping it in with air, food, drink, warmth, sleep, shelter is ridiculous - none of those things require you to access another human being's body

OP you say he tells you that he's a nice person etc. Usually people don't tell their partners that they're nice, sexy, lovely, a great parent etc. Those are the things he should be saying to you.

Do you ever compliment each other or say I love you to each other? If you do, do you mean it?

Brightling
Sex releases natural hormones that lift the persons mood. I'm not surprised that after 3 weeks he is low. You said yourself that afterwards he would skip to work(sorry If I've remembered wrongly, but I'm not trawling bk through this huge thread). Surely you can see the effect it is having on him and can't blame him for his actions. Your last post sounded like you were too tired and couldn't be arsed. You need to make some time for your husband. Children do change relationships, but don't let them ruin what sounds like a good one.

Especially over a long period of time. IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS....

Presumably four weeks by now, unless OP has had sex since the thread started.

I agree fully with KeyboardMum. This is not a one-sided issue.

Headlesschicken the OP is not responsible for his mood

Hapshawl In a loving marriage, both people are responsible for how they make their Partners feel. If my Partner gave me a kiss, I would feel very differently to if he had hit me over the head with a frying pan.

Op?

You know that is not what I'm saying sunshine, don't be disingenuous. she does not have to provide access to her body in order to change his mood

AnotherEmma, in your previous posts, you're coming across as aggressive and quite disrespectful. Now you are getting defensive. You are clearly frustrating yourself, calm down.

I've already mentioned that there better ways to handle the rejection. However, if OPs OH is depressed, it might not be as simple as "stop yer whining".

I stick by communication as the best option. If the OP doesn't feel like sex, then keep the line of communication open to help her partner handle the rejection.

Another option could be...

I mean, maybe to help him with his sexual frustration, OP could consider looking at some sex toys with him or maybe finding a good porn site to help him get by in the meantime. There's loads of stuff available for guys online. Maybe the thrill of a new toy would help elevate the sexual frustration for him. Which could help get the pressure off of OP.
It's not the same as being close. However, since you both looked and decided together, there's still that sense of involvement.

OP, you mentioned that you are really unhappy with your post pregnancy body. It's not nice to feel crap about yourself, have you thought of anything that might help you to feel better?