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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexually frustrated Husband

988 replies

Brightling · 23/03/2016 20:29

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

OP posts:
DarrenHardysDrongo · 29/03/2016 23:42
Hmm
Branleuse · 29/03/2016 23:42

3 weeks is a long time. Id be bloody miserable and sulky by then. People have needs

Of course you dont have to have sex.

Noone is obliged to do anything they dont want to do in a relationship, including staying in sexually unfulfilling ones.

NameChange30 · 30/03/2016 00:05

OMFG

dumbshmuk · 30/03/2016 00:26

I still suggest convincing him to go to couples therapy. It's not for just when people break up and are trying to get back together. Was he usually this "frisky" before? It seems like his feelings of rejection is making him keep pushing for it more than he probably would which isn't very attractive and thus getting him rejected more which fuels his feelings of rejection more.

AyeAmarok · 30/03/2016 00:30

Oh FFS.

OP, I am very glad you have your head screwed on.

NameChange30 · 30/03/2016 00:32

Yep, at least the OP has!

HelenaDove · 30/03/2016 00:53

Oh FFS.

And saying that 3 weeks is a long time and calling it a sexless relationship is a fucking HUGE insult to those who post on here who have been or are in sexless relationships that have been ongoing for several years. A huge insult.

Naicehamshop · 30/03/2016 07:40

Headless - you would be grateful that your husband had time for you? ? Do you have any idea how sad that sounds?

TheNaze73 · 30/03/2016 07:59

I can't see how saying that going without sex for 3 weeks and it being a long time is an insult???! In a healthy relationship (child issues permitting etc) that would seem like an age. I agree with branleuse

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2016 08:02

OP your last post to me just says you don't want to be with your DH, sounds more like a friends type of relationship than a couples relationship. I get the feeling that even before it got to the end of the day you weren't going to have sex with your DH, you had already made up your mind.

I think for most people if they had been out with their DH and had a good time with the family etc. It would probably be more likely for them to get together at the end of the day because they had been getting on all day, laughing, bonding etc.

LyndaNotLinda · 30/03/2016 08:12

No, people don't have sexual needs. They have desires. Conflating the two is dangerous and an absolutely idiotic thing to say.

The expectation that the OP should put out because she's got on well with her husband that day is disgusting.

I know exactly what you mean about being touched out when you're surrounded by small children OP. It's perfectly normal. I too am glad you've got your head screwed on

HapShawl · 30/03/2016 08:35

TheNaze she is saying it is an insult to those in "sexless" marriages to describe the OP's as such

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2016 08:52

Lynda I haven't said that at all, your trying to twist my words which is disgusting.

IdealWeather · 30/03/2016 08:59

Actually I'm pretty sure that the definition of a sexless marriage is when people have sex less than 10 times a year, so just under once a month.

I'm wondering what people would say if let say the OP was unable to have sex more than once a month due to illness (let's ME, MS, an accident...). Would they say it's normal for her DH to be frustrated and that he has 'needs' and therefore ... what? she needs to have sex with him even if she is unwell?

Or would they say 'ah well, yes it's hard but that's how things are. In sickness and in health and all that, he needs to learn to cope with it'?

Or would they say (as some have alluded), 'well if there is no sex life, there is no marriage so he should leave to find a happy life and screw if his DW had very good reasons not to?

I agree there are no sexual needs as such otherwise how on earth are people who are single cope with life if their 'basic human need' to have sex aren't fulfilled?
Well somehow and very strangely, they cope....
However there is such a thing as expectations and expectations to have sex when married. The problem is when that expectations to have sex is becoming expectation to have sex regardless of your partner wishes, having young dcs to be looking after, illness etc etc

HapShawl · 30/03/2016 09:01

Where does the definition of a sexless marriage

IdealWeather · 30/03/2016 09:02

peggy fwiw, I don't have sex more often than the OP with my own DH.
However, we still have a marriage and we certainlly aren't friends. Oh we also want to be together.
No having sex doesn't equal 'just' being friends and having no relationship.

IdealWeather · 30/03/2016 09:07

Not sure where I heard that first but this article alludes to the same thing, ie sexless marriage isn't one where you don't have sex at all but when there is very little sex (ie less than 10 times a year)

LyndaNotLinda · 30/03/2016 09:13

Perhaps i stretched that a bit Peggy. But you said there was something wrong in their marriage for not feeling like sex after having a nice day together though. I felt like you were implying the OP should have had sex that evening.

HapShawl · 30/03/2016 09:24

But who is determining that

differentnameforthis · 30/03/2016 09:26

3 weeks is a long time. Id be bloody miserable and sulky by then. People have needs

Grow up. People should stop sulking when they leave school, if not, before.

Sex, not matter how much you want it, is never a NEED! (Unless you are trying to get pregnant)

That's how I read it too, Lynda. It was, imo heavily implied that op should have has sex with her dh that night.

mamager · 30/03/2016 09:27

What kind of man would want to have sex with someone who didn't really want to?

OP's DH should work on their relationship. A little more understanding, perhaps?

KeyboardMum · 30/03/2016 09:56

There are two of you in the relationship :(

Yes you feel like crap, tired, not wanting to be touched - I get it. I feel like like that sometimes too. In fact, having just raided the fridge for morning-pregnancy-craving cheesecake, I currently feel like that. It's your body, ultimately you decide and you shouldn't feel pressured into sex.

But on the flip side, be prepared to see the effects it has on your bloke. Especially over a long period of time.

Think of it from a guys perspective; men are different to women. Emotionally, they connect differently to women. A lot of them feel closer when connecting through sex. They can feel quite lonely and desperate when it seems to them like they don't have that connection and it can go any number of ways: withdrawal, depression, frustration, disinterest. He's probably feeling quite crap himself right now. He probably feels like you are not interested. He probably feels unwanted and rejected - and that can make either sex feel hurt and lonely.

Sex certainly isn't everything, but it is quite an important part to connecting with your partner in a relationship. If it completely fizzles out , then that's a problem and there's likely to be emotional fallout.

Have you thought about ways to address how you are feeling about yourself? Have you sat down and discussed why you feel the way you do with him?

dizzytomato · 30/03/2016 10:00

What the OP describes as sulking could be a sign of depression. People are leaping on the word sulking as if he's a big baby having a two year old tantrum. He is being constantly rejected. He could very well be depressed.

NameChange30 · 30/03/2016 10:01

"Think of it from a guys perspective; men are different to women. Emotionally, they connect differently to women. A lot of them feel closer when connecting through sex."

Hmm

Will no one think of it from the poor man's perspective?! Men are such special snowflakes that they must be wrapped in cotton wool and shagged at all times.

Hmm
NameChange30 · 30/03/2016 10:04

Men and women are not too opposite homogenous groups. Different men have different ways of engaging with sex and relationships. The same for women. I can't believe I have to point it out really. But please can we stop with the tired clichés?!