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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me over my big fat wobble

28 replies

Littlemissflower · 20/03/2016 19:40

Stbxh moved out in November, or rather I threw him out after 18 years of verbal abuse. Dc's were devastated for a very short time, but we are all so much happier now.
He only sees them very briefly once per fortnight and of course acts like superdad for the 3 hours he takes them out, they now dote on him.
He us also extremely jice to me when I see him, chatty and always asks how I am. I have had a tough time the last few weeks for many reasons and today he was really nice to me again and after he went I found myself seriously questioning my decision.
Making him leave was the hardest thing I have ever done and I cant beleive I am even thinking like this.
Guess what I need is just someone to tell me I will be okay.

OP posts:
jayho · 20/03/2016 19:46

you will be ok, he's on his best behaviour, he'd revert to form immediately, your children would be screwed.

Does that help? Flowers

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 20/03/2016 19:47

He can only manage it for very short bursts. Any longer and he'd be acting like a cunt again

candykane25 · 20/03/2016 19:51

It's nice now because this is working. You have got the balance right.
It's easy to yearn for familiarity when there's a lot of change going on.
You are probably just tired and a bit low. But you won't always be.

Duckdeamon · 20/03/2016 19:53

18 years of verbal abuse Sad. Well done for getting out: don't go back.

Why does he barely see the DC? If he was that bothered about them, and about you being low and tired, he'd do a decent amount of parenting.

Quityabitchen · 20/03/2016 19:55

Go and make yourself a cup of tea, then have a lovely warm bath and an early night with a book. You'll be fine. The relationship ended for a reason. Remember that. Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 20/03/2016 19:55

He us also extremely jice to me when I see him, chatty and always asks how I am (sic)

If he'd behaved like that towards you for 18 years prior to last November, I very much doubt you'd have thrown him out.

As it is, he can stir himself to be polite when he does his Disney dad impersonation for 3 hours every fortnight, but you must know he wouldn't be able to keep that up for 3 days if you were foolish enough to let his verbally abusive arse back into your home again.

Better to have the dc adoring him from a distance than crushed under the tyranny of his constant presence.

It's not even been six months; give it 18 and come back if you're still wobbling.

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 20/03/2016 20:08

Wow, thanks so much everyone. I know you are all right, and yes am down at the moment and tired of doing it all alone.
He also said today that he would like to see the dc for a bit longer. He never wanted to before as they had such a bad relationship and he said they got on his nerves too much.
I am pleased that they have managed to build a better relationship, but it is a bitter pill to swallow.
We did have some really good times and when he was nice it was great, unfortunatley the good spells never lasted and the bad ones became longer and the last couple of years were hell. But I do have a small part of me that wonders if he may have really learnt this time and if it would be different.

OP posts:
Quityabitchen · 20/03/2016 20:18

Remember the bad times, sweetheart. Remember why you ended it. Don't look back, misty-eyed at the few good times and think it'll turn out okay if you reconcile.

Imbroglio · 20/03/2016 20:27

How old are the children? Do they want to spend more time with him? Is he reliable?

Best scenario - he steps up and your life becomes more balanced.

Other possible scenarios - he see more of them while it suits him, until he thinks you are enjoying your free time, or until he realises it isn't winning you round.

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 20/03/2016 20:34

Quityabitchen, thanks think I do know deep down if we reconciled it wouldn't work, I nearly left several years ago and things were great for six months when I agree to try again, but then......

Imroglio- the dcs are 9 and 16. They have not said they want to see him more, think they are just grateful he now sees them at all. He has always fluctuated between being a great dad to a really crap one, never a happy medium and the same with our relationship. Not sure how much of it is about winning me back? He keeps asking if I am sure this is what I want?
Guess I know the answer, just feeling really alone at the moment.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 20/03/2016 20:36

Wondering whether he's "really learnt this time" suggests he's had previous opportunity to reflect on the error of his ways but has failed to remedy his unacceptable behaviour.

Many have foundered on the rocks when sailing the good ship Hope over experience . As the saying has it, some people never learn and you're best advised to take steps to ensure you don't become one of them, flower.

Divorce him and if, by some miracle, he becomes a reformed character you can enjoy a second wedding and get to collect more rings. Smile

IonaNE · 20/03/2016 20:36

Tell him he can have the kids for a weekend, obviously not at your house but at his, and go away and enjoy the freedom.

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 20/03/2016 20:44

He has had many opportunites to reform, common scenario of him always promising to change, begging forgiveness etc.
He cannot have the kids because he refuses to rent a place of his own, although he can easily afford to, he chooses to sleep on a friends sofa.

OP posts:
TunnocksInAHammock · 21/03/2016 03:30

Ah see, the sofa thing tells you all you need to know here OP. He is in a holding pattern until he can get back with you (in his head). He has made zero effort to move on so confident is he that it is just a matter of time. Zero effort is what he would do if you let him back. He is a zero effort kind of guy.

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 21/03/2016 06:23

Funny thing is - I know you are right. He has said some terrible things to me over the years and to the dc too, I can't understand why suddenly I am not able to remember them and can only recapture the happy feelings from the good times.
Hopefully this will pass.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 21/03/2016 06:50

He hasn't changed, flower. He's subtly pressurising you - all the 'are you sure you're doing the right thing' hey, look at me being superman - you must be mad to let this go! and making sure he can't have DC for long because he's sofa surfing... You've seen the good side of him before, you know it doesn't last, and these behaviours are coming from the 'real him' that's still lurking underneath.

He's confident that you'll cave in - when you don't/it's clear he's not going to 'win', the cracks will start to show pretty soon I'd say, and you'll be glad you stood firm.

How about having a response ready when he says that - eg 'the very fact that you're saying that, tells me that I am'.

TunnocksInAHammock · 21/03/2016 07:21

Flower the reason you feel this way is because you are a nice person that doesn't deserve to be with a twat It's time to find a bit of anger and use it as a tool to get you through. Once he gets to see a bit of that he will revert to type soon enough but away from you, you can go 'phew' and no more wobbles. Write down all the shite stuff he has said and done. I did that once when I was trying to decide whether to leave an ex. Written down in ones own fair hand will make it feel real enough. You might need three pens. Wink

TunnocksInAHammock · 21/03/2016 07:25

Also - imagine him lying stricken with exhaustion on that sofa after making all that effort one a fortnight - Christ, he's no prize OP! Whatever you are going through will pass. He will add to your woes not deflect them.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2016 07:38

A grown man who chooses to sponge off his friends rather than sort out his own home where he can see his kids?
Hmm I can see why you're conflicted Wink

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 21/03/2016 08:16

It's the anger I need, just don't seem to be able to get any.
He really is no prize Tunnocks, I know that and up to this week have felt I am okay with being on my own, but suddenly the loneliness has hit, I think it' because there have been other problems not related to him and it struck me that I have no one to turn to. I am sure this will pass and definitely wont act on it whilst I feel so low.
Helmet, you really made me smile, thanks.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 21/03/2016 08:25

By staying with friends he's reminding you that he isn't lonely, while at the same time making you feel guilty about sleeping on the sofa.

Take him up on his offer of seeing the children more - eg one evening a week while you go to an evening class or pilates or something.

Hold on in there. You will make a new life with nice people, but it doesn't happen overnight.

Jan45 · 21/03/2016 16:43

Verbal abuse for 18 years and you have kids so they've already been exposed to an unhealthy situation so please do not take him back, you will be back at square one before long and your kids messed up.

He won't change, people don't change that much.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/03/2016 17:39

So for 18 years he's chosen to treat you like crap, bar the six months it took to get you back into the box last time you'd had enough. Now all of a sudden he shows he can play nice. Does this not suggest to you that he knows what nice looks like but chose to do the other thing instead - for 18 years? That would make me angry, dunno about you.

My theory is that you had nearly two decades of trying to make it work, which meant a great deal of putting up and ignoring crap and holding on to any positives. It's a hard habit to break, and now you're not even seeing the negative because it's no trouble for him to dredge up a sunny smile for the odd half hour a week.

Duckdeamon · 21/03/2016 19:44

Have you tried the Freedom Programme? Sounds like you're not free of him yet in your own head.

"He has always fluctuated between being a great dad to a really crap one": a dad who fluctuates is NOT a great dad, even when in a "nice" phase! He speaks to them nastily, hasn't wanted to spend time with them and hasn't sorted a place they could spend time with him when he could afford to!

Shitty dad, shitty partner.

Original poster
Littlemissflower · 21/03/2016 21:05

You are right Duckdeamon, I tried to get onto a freedom programme, but the local one was duribg the day and I work.
It amazes me that I can still even consider getting back with him, but cant stop questioning if maybe I did make him behave the way he did. I know that sounds like such a victimy thing to say and would not utter the words in real life because i am awaremhow pathetic it sounds, but unfortunately I cant stop thinking like it and then get caught in a viscious chain because I hate myself for not feeling kore angry with him for what he put the dc through.

OP posts:
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