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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Instinct?

53 replies

TheAfterDark · 16/03/2016 17:10

Hi,

I'm looking for some help and advice as I genuinely don't know whether I am being overly paranoid or what, or if you should trust your instinct.

Ok. So situation involves new (6months) relationship. Met online, he has no dc, I have dd(8) and ds(6).
All fine and going well, talking about moving in together and having a future together.

Now for some reason something has triggered something in me which has made me bring up lots of past things, which I have previously disregarded and I'm not sure what to do about it.

The thing which made me suddenly look at everything was when, during a conversation I believe about a friend's relationship and her boyfriend's bizarre fetish (unrelated to this), I said something along the lines of 'well at least he doesn't have a thing for 12 year old girls' at which point he made a sexually appreciative groan... Which is when I suddenly got this paranoid feeling.

I don't know if I'm being completely OTT now, but have now had the past things going through my head, and have had serious heart palpitations the past 24 hours, worrying about it.

Incidents I have been now worrying about:

first (and only) time I saw him with his nieces, I could hardly watch as he bounced them on his knee
he (until I spoke to my daughter about it) was inclined to kiss dd on the lips to say goodnight
told me he has been on 'the dark web'.. Please tell me otherwise but for me that is somewhere for paedophiles to access child pornography?

There are a few other things, like being so chuffed when my daughter wanted to hold his hand, but I can't work out what I'm thinking. Yesterday I provocatively said (in response to him saying about having sex in my mum's bed - I could have said, 'I'm not 19, but instead said 'I'm not 12'... And he kept repeating 'no, you're not.. No you're not..'

Please tell me if this sounds ridiculous and I'm over analysing things or if it sounds like I should trust this feeling which I have..

Thanks in advance. I might not be able to read any replies now until later this evening, but will get online when I can.

OP posts:

Justsortingmyheadout · 16/03/2016 17:11

No I would be worried too.
Please be careful with him.

Summerlovinf · 16/03/2016 17:14

You've got concerns, so probably best listening to your instinct. There's plenty of other guys out there who don't have this dark side...your kids are your priority.

sarahlou75 · 16/03/2016 17:15

Trust your gut. In what context was he talking about the dark web? Terrorists and criminals use it too.
Honestly I've had experiences in my life that have made me very wary regarding my DD. I wouldn't ignore your feelings.

blindsider · 16/03/2016 17:18

It could be something and nothing, what is his sense of humour like?? Does it tend to the inappropriate? It might be that he has a dark sense of humour and is absolutely fine.

Is he very involved with your kids? as most blokes generally tolerate other peoples children rather than are all over them?

Re kissing your daughter on the lips he hasn't got kids so may not know it is 'unusual', you say you spoke to your daughter about it? what did she say?

pocketsaviour · 16/03/2016 17:19

Dark web is used a lot by journalists, people who just want to hide their tracks, not exclusively by criminals.

OP can I ask if you're a survivor of sexual abuse? You seemed to have a very strong reaction to him playing with his nieces, which depending on their ages may have been totally natural and innocent, but sounds as if it may have triggered strong feelings/memories for you?

Does he (or did he) kiss your DS goodnight?

blindsider · 16/03/2016 17:19

*no idea what the dark web is so can't offer any advice there

Summerlovinf · 16/03/2016 17:22

I would say it's very unusual to kiss children on the lips.

Original poster

TheAfterDark · 16/03/2016 17:27

Thanks for your replies.

I am not a victim of sexual abuse, should have given more detail.. I am all for an active uncle playing with nieces.. This was vigorous bouncing so much that I couldn't watch as seemed inappropriate somehow..

Yes he has a pretty dark sense of humour..

And no doesn't kiss my son goodnight..

I really hope I am being overly paranoid, but my heart has been raving all day and feeling uncomfortable worrying. Not sure what to do now really.. If I mentioned my concerns, he would - of course - deny anything, and be upset, but I don't know what to do

OP posts:

tippytap · 16/03/2016 17:30

I.... Would probably call it a day now. Six months isn't long and I'd def want to make sure my kids were safe.

champagneplanet · 16/03/2016 17:33

Trust your gut, even if you're wrong he's obviously not the one for you if you could have doubts about him. Look after your DCs.

emm0371 · 16/03/2016 17:43

I rather have an upset partner than an upset child. Years down the line.

Always listen to your gut instinct. I am a victim of child sexual abuse and I wish my mum had taken me seriously when at 9, I told her about the abuse. If you are looking away because bounching becomes too much for you to look at, or things he is saying gives you warning bells, and you are having to come in here for aknowledgment of your gut instinct, then I think you may already know what to do. And no, it is not normal for a partner of 6 months to kiss only the daughter on the mouth, may I add too that after your little knowledge now, you will never be able to trust him the same way. You will always be looking for the warning bells to ring. Just dont wait for it to happen.

blindsider · 16/03/2016 17:45

Afterdark

Obviously the safety of your kids is paramount but I genuinely doubt if he had designs on your kids he would be stupid enough to out himself by groaning lasciviously at your comment,. It was most likely his irreverent/gallows humour. I tell the most appalling jokes and I would hate to think that anyone thought that was a hint of 'other interests'.

He could just be a decent bloke who thought you were joking and on the same wavelength as him.

blindsider · 16/03/2016 17:46

Emma makes really good points.

loveyoutothemoon · 16/03/2016 17:49

I'd monitor it a bit longer, does seem a bit strange.

BitchPeas · 16/03/2016 17:57

Listen to your gut and cut him loose. I wouldn't like any of it.

Buzzardbird · 16/03/2016 17:59

The thing is, if you are not a survivor of sexual abuse then it is very unlikely that you are 'overreacting' as you are not looking for the same signals as survivors are.

I would, in your case, trust your instincts.

I take it that he hasn't had any unsupervised contact with your DD so you can end this now and your DD will be unscathed.

Has he talked about why he has not yet had children or is he very young? Does he guard his phone?

IamlovedbyG · 16/03/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 16/03/2016 18:11

I'm not a survivor of abuse but not treating DC equally would be a red flag for me. (I'm assuming ds hasn't asked your p not to kiss him.)

Joysmum · 16/03/2016 18:14

Not sure what country you are in, or even how this works in the UK, but is there the equivalent of Claire's Law where you are?

Perhaps other posters with experience in this could help

Original poster

TheAfterDark · 16/03/2016 18:20

Thanks all. I feel better having shared my feelings (heart palpitations gone now too) and knowing that it's ok to trust my instincts on very little info, if that makes sense.

As you say, it's not worth hanging on to check if my instincts are right or not - I would not risk having my children affected in any way

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 16/03/2016 18:24

I just couldn't be around someone like him. The things you have described about him put me totally off.

Yes look up Sarah's Law.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 16/03/2016 18:25

If you are weirded out then you are weirded out. Get rid, it's not worth the worry.

TheSilveryPussycat · 16/03/2016 19:12

You brought it up in the first place as a thing for levity:

I said something along the lines of 'well at least he doesn't have a thing for 12 year old girls'

Yesterday I provocatively said (in response to him saying about having sex in my mum's bed - I could have said, 'I'm not 19, but instead said 'I'm not 12'.

Just saying.

YouSay · 16/03/2016 19:19

After just 6 months he should not be kissing your daughter good night. That is inappropriate for you to allow. I would get rid and yes to Sarah's law.

confusion77 · 16/03/2016 19:29

I think Claire law is where you can ask police if there is anything you need to know. Such as if he has previously been convicted of dv.

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