Instinct?

[TheAfterDark]

Hi,

I'm looking for some help and advice as I genuinely don't know whether I am being overly paranoid or what, or if you should trust your instinct.

Ok. So situation involves new (6months) relationship. Met online, he has no dc, I have dd(8) and ds(6).
All fine and going well, talking about moving in together and having a future together.

Now for some reason something has triggered something in me which has made me bring up lots of past things, which I have previously disregarded and I'm not sure what to do about it.

The thing which made me suddenly look at everything was when, during a conversation I believe about a friend's relationship and her boyfriend's bizarre fetish (unrelated to this), I said something along the lines of 'well at least he doesn't have a thing for 12 year old girls' at which point he made a sexually appreciative groan... Which is when I suddenly got this paranoid feeling.

I don't know if I'm being completely OTT now, but have now had the past things going through my head, and have had serious heart palpitations the past 24 hours, worrying about it.

Incidents I have been now worrying about:

• first (and only) time I saw him with his nieces, I could hardly watch as he bounced them on his knee
• he (until I spoke to my daughter about it) was inclined to kiss dd on the lips to say goodnight
• told me he has been on 'the dark web'.. Please tell me otherwise but for me that is somewhere for paedophiles to access child pornography?

There are a few other things, like being so chuffed when my daughter wanted to hold his hand, but I can't work out what I'm thinking. Yesterday I provocatively said (in response to him saying about having sex in my mum's bed - I could have said, 'I'm not 19, but instead said 'I'm not 12'... And he kept repeating 'no, you're not.. No you're not..'

Please tell me if this sounds ridiculous and I'm over analysing things or if it sounds like I should trust this feeling which I have..

Thanks in advance. I might not be able to read any replies now until later this evening, but will get online when I can.

Definitely listen to your instincts. I don't like the kissing your dd on the lips, 6 months is much too quick to be this friendly. I think most men would know that they need to create a boundary so that there is no doubt. Your mothering instincts are kicking in. No man is worth this worry.

^^this

I agree far to early to be kissing your daughter goodnight never mind on the lips. How did that come about? Did she do it or was it started by him?

It could be something it could be nothing but your getting bad vibes and that is enough to end it. Your subconscious can pick up things that the mind can't see or make sence but that's your gut telling you there's something off.

As you are not a survivor I would say you are def not overreacting then. Please trust your instinct. You don't have to tell him your reasons if you're wary of his reaction, just say that you don't feel it's working out, cheerio and best of luck.

Trust your instincts OP.

They are there for a reason.

Get rid. Your children are too important to put at risk.

I'd be worried too.
Please be careful.

How old are the nieces that bounce on his knee?

I don't think it is acceptable to kiss your dd on lips at bedtime, he isn't her dad.

I don't know what "the dark web" is but I'm thinking its some sort of unacceptable strange porn.

To be honest, if your instincts tell you something isn't right then trust them. Don't stay with him to wait and see if they are right, it will be too late then

Afraid I have no experience with this but I did think of something,,,, did he know you had DC before you met or did you reveal that fact after you met. I know of someone who does OLD but doesn't mention her DC until after a few meetings.
Hopefully you'll understand what I mean.

Feel instincts, but also be aware that men often end up joking about things they are paranoid they are seen as, and are very uncomfortable about being seen as automatic paedophiles, so you get weird things like blurting out 'this would be great for peados' to try to say 'i am so not one i can joke about it (like the 'bums against the wall lads' when no one else is thinking about gay sex..said by tge person most afraid of it) and you may be picking up on his internal uncertainty about relaxing naturally in the situations you describe.

Eg I've had friends suddenly get nervous when I said I would be happy to babysit, but please teach me how to change a nappy first/let me change a nappy with you guys there first, if you are going to want me to change a nappy, and they sort of went cold and 'forgot' about asking me, and I can see that they might have got quietly concerned,/that I was 'obsessed' with changing nappies.. In fact I was paranoid about the child just feeling uncomfortable, and me not getting it wrong.. I I definitely definitely know that i am I 100% OK and not in anyway remotely attracted or worried about being attracted in that way, but I knew I was near to that box with anxious parents, even though they totally know me.

On the other side, max hardcore, the nasty porn guy, loves to try to trick women into saying numbers like 14, and 12, and I bet that's related to age fantasies.

The dark web is an open market place for lots of illegal things but also illegal trade in restricted things like Viagra, vallium etc, but also illegal porn. If he hasactuallybeen on, that's quite easy in one sense, but also difficult in another, as you need to know a bit of encryption /proxy stuff I think.

I agree that if his humour is to act up to negative perceptions of men, saying 'no,no you are not' might just as easily be a knowing joke about that type of attraction (eg it was a running joke with a v. Non kinky girlfriend, a sinister voice and 'I would like to cum in your ear' whispered was just something that set us giggling whilst being romantic. )

So its difficult, some signs are there, some instinct is there, and you keep returning even with excuses, so i would say keep watching your reaction and being aware, and don't be afraid of concluding something worrying just because it's worrying, but also don't be afraid to be wrong if you are over-ffiltering

WTAF is he doing kissing your 8yo on the mouth?!!!!

Absolute inappropriate and I'm that you say it stopped because you spoke to your daughter - not to him?!!!

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months, no way in fuck would he kiss my daughter on the bloody mouth! (in fact, the most he's done is give her a hug - or rather, accepted one from her)

This is inappropriate in so many ways. I wouldn't have anything to do with him and I would ask at your local police station whether there's any history.

Why are people suggesting that because the OP has not been abused, she's probably not over reacting? That's stupid and dangerous 'advice'.

I hope if there is anyone reading this who WAS abused and is feeling doubtful about something, they don't write off their own instincts in favour of a stranger's comments on here.

I'd end that relationship. You don't need to justify it to him or anyone else. Did your daughter raise the issue of the kissing with you, or you to her? Sorry you've had such a disturbing experience.

We have instincts for a reason. No way would i continue with him. Children are way to precious.

Definitely trust your instincts. The only times I have allowed social norms and giving someone 'the benefit of the doubt' to overcome my instincts, I have been wrong. Instincts are not magical thinking. They are your subconscious picking up on something that your conscious mind has yet to acknowledge.

Trust your instincts.

Whether your instincts are correct or not, there is no future in this relationship. Worrying to the point of seeking outside advice (let alone experiencing palpitations!) about whether your boyfriend has an inappropriate interest in children is not something you can come back from, even if you were somehow able to conclude that he didn't.

For what it's worth, just based on your OP, I'd be wary too. And I sure as hell wouldn't let anybody I was wary about spend time and have physical contact with my (non existent) children.

A person wouldn't leave their life savings with a dodgy-seeming banker, so why trust the most precious things in your life with a guy sending out such alarming signals? Like you say, not worth the risk.

To be honest (and I'll prob get flamed for this), what with him admitting to being on the dark web etc...I might even try and have a chat anon with 101 or something to see what they say...you never know what this guy's back ground is, if he's been looking at paedo material already...

if you don't listen to your instincts , you will kill off that survival mechanism . In this case the message is about your dcc. Always listen to your instinct-altho you will not know what bullet you may miss.

I'm sorry... But wtaf???

This bloke, you know for only 6m total - So I dare say would only have contact with your dc for a matter of weeks - is kissing your kids goodnight??? That is wrong!

Talking about moving in???? Wrong!

After a couple of months??????? Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Added to this your instincts are tripping all over the shop... For good reason!

Love, end it with this boyfriend now.

This isn't right in any way shape or form, he's weird. It is highly likely that he has targeted you because of your dc.

How old are you both? Has he been married? Why no kids of his own. I'm old. 😬 Lateish 40's. Any guy with no kids bothers me. Likewise no long term serious relationships.

Please, please, please... Next time around, keep guys away longer from your kids and if they are even remotely encouraging moving in within months, stop!

They are cunning these kinds of people, but the stakes are high. I'm not judging you, but this is screaming out at everyone here.

Trust your instincts.

On what planet is it ok for a man to kiss his girlfriend's 8yo daughter ON THE FUCKING LIPS?! You've only been dating for 6 months FFS. It's early days for him to meet your children, let alone exchange saliva with them.

And bouncing his nieces on his knee If that made you feel icky then it probably was icky.

There are too many warning signs to ignore.

You could definite use Sarah's law to find out if he has a record, but of course he might still be a danger even if he doesn't have one.

Surely you can do better than a loser who at best makes appalling "jokes" and at worst is a paedophile?!

I agree with Hissy, especially on this:
"Please, please, please... Next time around, keep guys away longer from your kids and if they are even remotely encouraging moving in within months, stop!"

The thing is, it could be perfectly innocent and he doesnt realise how inappropriate it sounds, he may think he is being funny. But you cant be sure and frankly it isnt worth the worry is it?

Why are people suggesting that because the OP has not been abused, she's probably not over reacting? That's stupid and dangerous 'advice'... I hope if there is anyone reading this who WAS abused and is feeling doubtful about something, they don't write off their own instincts in favour of a stranger's comments on here.

Because as abuse survivors we frequently get triggered by things that are actually innocent, e.g. we worry about dads bathing their children or helping them dress, because we are viewing this normal parental activity through the lens of our own trauma. My thoughts was particularly about OP's strong reaction to the knee bouncing, which is generally thought of as an innocent activity.

I did dash off the reply and didn't word it as well as I could have done, so apologies for that.