Unsolvable problem?

[esmeralda21]

Not really sure how we got to here, until yesterday I thought we had a brilliant, pretty much good as it could be relationship. And now...I don't know what to think.

We've been together for coming up for 2 years. Had the odd disagreement, nothing major. We both have DC from previous relationships - mine live with me, he has his one night a week and eow.

The relationship's been a serious/long term one in both our eyes from early on, and in terms of living together we thought (within our first year) that it was probably 12-18 months off. We never spoke about any details, but it felt like a common goal we were working towards, and that he (and his DC) would move in with me. Anyway, time moved on and when we talked about it (not in much detail) last year, he quite rightly said that we'd need to create some room for his DC (and him) in my house - I had enough rooms but I had a fair few unfinished DIY jobs. So we've been working through these together, not entirely finished yet but a lot closer. Again we were saying in another year or so...

At Xmas he said he would feel uncomfortable living in this house (as it was my house with my Ex). I understand this - if the shoe was on the other foot, I probably wouldn't feel that happy either. We didn't really resolve this, because I'm not that keen to move for a few years (my DC have lived here all their lives, their school/friends are here - but they do only have a max of 3 years left in education). However it wasn't an outright no, he'd never live here - one of the things we discussed was that probably starting this summer, we'd start his DC staying over one night a week, so they got used to spending time here, and that maybe in 3 years we'd look to get a place together.

So that was, as far as I was concerned, how it was. The other part is that he's looking to buy a house - which I knew when we spoke at Xmas (it's been delayed, various reasons not really relevant to this) but was still planning on moving in with me - again still a year-18 months away, having lived in his house and then switched to a BTL mortgage (he'd spoken to his lender re this and they were happy to switch him over with no penalities after that period.

I'm not really bothered about marriage. Nice if it happens, but not a dealbreaker for me. He has over the last 2 years said he'd like us to get married, once asked me to show him the kind of engagement ring I like, for Xmas bought me a ring sizer...so whilst I wasn't expecting an imminent proposal, I thought we were heading in that direction.

Anyway, last night we ended up talking about his house. And the upshot is that he doesn't now think we can live together for at least 6 years, possibly as long as 10 (when his youngest DC leaves school). He doesn't see the big deal - we spend 3-4 nights a week together, isn't that enough? Well no, it isn't for me. And I thought we had a common goal. He says he doesn't see its that different. But it is, surely?

The reason for the change? He feels it would be unfair on his DC, and involve them/him making all the compromise. At present I live about 30-40 mins from him, and 45 mins from his DC's mum (he is about 10 mins from them, and will be buying a house a similar distance away). He said if he moved in here, or we got a house in this area, his DC would be spending too long travelling, it would be unfair, he couldn't get them to school, on his weekday contact nights they wouldn't get here til 7, and so on. He says it's important he's nearby, and I am simply too far away.

But I've lived here for the duration of our relationship, that hasn't suddenly changed! I get that he hasn't necessarily thought about it, now he has and can't see a solution, other than ok, we'll put all our plans on hold for another 6 years at least.

I just don't know if that's what I want. I don't want our relationship to end. But I don't think staying as we are for another 6 or more years would make me happy. But I can't seem to explain to him why (he doesn't get what difference it makes if it's 2 years or 6, or why we need to live together at all).How do I make sense of my thoughts?

Yes, but if you are wanting to stay in your house for quite a few more years, and he doesn't want to live in your family home, how did you see it panning out? Your dc's home is important to you for their stability. That's fine. But how did you think you would live together in the next 18 months to two years if you need to stay in your home, and he needs not to live there?

What is "being engaged" at your age?

People are allowed to change their minds. I'd hate to be held to everything I said a year or two ago.

If it's not working for you, you have every right to bow out of the relationship. I wouldn't advise guilting him into some lukewarm promise of a ring or marriage or whatever. That can't end well.

And whilst I understand his reasons, and I'm not saying they're invalid, or inferior to mine, I do wish he'd come to this conclusion before we started making plans and setting timescales.

I think it is ridiculous to say that 18 - 2 years before something is considered to happen is too little notice to give when changing your mind...

*18 months

And timescales for moving in together than run across years? It's totally unreasonable to hold someone to something like that. How can you possibly know how you will feel or where your life/relationship will be years beforehand?

It's crazy...

Originally the plan was to live at mine, in a couple of years time.

When he said he couldn't live at mine (or certainly not indefinitely), the plan was - if he still felt in 2-3 years he couldn't live there - to at that time rent somewhere locally to me, ie. in the same town, where we would all live.

I wasn't that bothered about engagement or indeed living together, but he said it was what he wanted. He was the one who talked about getting engaged, asked me to show him rings I liked. I never started those conversations. Not a year or 2 ago, but less than 3 months ago was when I got that present!

Indeed even a week or so ago he was still referring to us living together in under 3 years.

That has changed. And yes, I do need to decide how I feel about it, and to be sure there's nothing else behind such a significant change of heart.

But you can see can't you that it is hypocritical to say you want to take one thing at face value and not consider wider issues (him saying he wants to move into yours) and then grill him about his love/commitment when he says he doesn't want to uproot his children?

I also think you really need to stop (or stop placing so much investment into when he says it) this 'in 3 years we will' stuff, it is only going to cause problems. No-one can commit to anything that far in advance.

We were planning ahead because we wanted to give both sets of children time to adjust to the idea. We felt we'd need to build up time spent under one roof gradually (I've not stayed overnight with his DC for example) and wanted to take at least 18 months to do that before moving in together - hence why we were looking that far ahead.

And if you aren't bothered about living together or getting engaged why on earth is this even an issue at all? Why would you be excited and hopeful about getting a ring if you didn't want to be engaged?

It really seems like there is just no real issue here and it's all upset you because of your concrete expectations.

You keep saying 6 years, but actually he said definitely not for 6 years (even if you were willing to give up everything and move wherever he wanted immediately) but maybe not even for 10 years. You're in serious danger of wasting 10 years of your life thinking this is going somewhere, and in 10 years he'll have another reason to delay 'for a few years'. The real reason is that he just doesn't want to.

What he calls giving him an ultimatum is actually you setting out the boundaries of what is acceptable to you within this relationship - you're allowed to do that you know. It's like he thinks you should do everything his way, you should do all the compromising and waiting around, but it's not even clear if he's really in or out of this relationship, in terms of a long term commitment or short term listening to you and making you happy.

I think l would be asking him exactly why he has changed his mind all of a sudden. I don't think his DC's are the only reason here. Is he cooling off?

What ILikeUranus said.
Imho, the ring talk and moving in talk was all just so much lip service to perhaps preserve the status quo, as he may have an idea of some sort of grand generalization of what a lady would be expecting of a relationship at certain time markers. Yes to keeping you sweet as mentioned up thread.

Yes he is moving goal posts. Red flag. People are allowed to change their minds and that isn't so much of a red flag...but it presents you with a new condition that you need to evaluate within the context of yourself to determine if you need to/should accept or reject the new terms.

You need to know what your boundaries are and to be safe, arrange your finances as if he were not there...as he may not be. Don't bank on a "maybe".

If you want another marriage in the future, I wouldn't bet on this guy. He is a great person, fantastic dad, etc...but you are just way too far down on his list. It is a bit of a cliche saying baggage, but between the two of you, there is just too much baggage for relationship logistics to change beyond what you have already established.

Ok sort of similar situation here, but very different result.

2 kids each. We live 80 mins apart /120kms. Kids all in local schools to where we live.

Together for 2 years +.

I have my kids 100%.
He has his kids 50%.

The 50% he doesn't have his kids he lives at mine. We have all weekends together sometimes with just my 2 sometimes all 4. Roughly split in both houses depending on what's happening where.

Next September all kids will be at the same school midpoint between both houses and in the town where DP works. we will be living in my 5 bed house while we renovate his to be suitable for 4 kids.

Weekends we will be at his to continue renovating. The renovations will allow us to create our forever home with downstairs bedroom etc for us. And an apartment for our eventual carers.

Not married yet (mostly because his divorce is very slow 3.5 years so far), but we have taken legal advice to see how to protect assets for our kids etc.

The difference is that we are both working towards something concrete. We are both committed to it. If something changed I think we would tell the other one before those changes couldn't be undone. Is it possible that he is trying to do that? Can you not have a more concrete discussion? Say that he's moved the goal posts and say that you are not sure you are ok with it.

You seem to be taking things incredibly slowly. I personally wouldn't be able to sustain such a slow paced relationship. It doesn't feel very passionate.

DP says run. There is no common life here. There is no step parenting going on. And trust me that is the Big One. No promises are being kept. No real communication. Sorry probably not what you want to hear.