Unsolvable problem?

[esmeralda21]

Not really sure how we got to here, until yesterday I thought we had a brilliant, pretty much good as it could be relationship. And now...I don't know what to think.

We've been together for coming up for 2 years. Had the odd disagreement, nothing major. We both have DC from previous relationships - mine live with me, he has his one night a week and eow.

The relationship's been a serious/long term one in both our eyes from early on, and in terms of living together we thought (within our first year) that it was probably 12-18 months off. We never spoke about any details, but it felt like a common goal we were working towards, and that he (and his DC) would move in with me. Anyway, time moved on and when we talked about it (not in much detail) last year, he quite rightly said that we'd need to create some room for his DC (and him) in my house - I had enough rooms but I had a fair few unfinished DIY jobs. So we've been working through these together, not entirely finished yet but a lot closer. Again we were saying in another year or so...

At Xmas he said he would feel uncomfortable living in this house (as it was my house with my Ex). I understand this - if the shoe was on the other foot, I probably wouldn't feel that happy either. We didn't really resolve this, because I'm not that keen to move for a few years (my DC have lived here all their lives, their school/friends are here - but they do only have a max of 3 years left in education). However it wasn't an outright no, he'd never live here - one of the things we discussed was that probably starting this summer, we'd start his DC staying over one night a week, so they got used to spending time here, and that maybe in 3 years we'd look to get a place together.

So that was, as far as I was concerned, how it was. The other part is that he's looking to buy a house - which I knew when we spoke at Xmas (it's been delayed, various reasons not really relevant to this) but was still planning on moving in with me - again still a year-18 months away, having lived in his house and then switched to a BTL mortgage (he'd spoken to his lender re this and they were happy to switch him over with no penalities after that period.

I'm not really bothered about marriage. Nice if it happens, but not a dealbreaker for me. He has over the last 2 years said he'd like us to get married, once asked me to show him the kind of engagement ring I like, for Xmas bought me a ring sizer...so whilst I wasn't expecting an imminent proposal, I thought we were heading in that direction.

Anyway, last night we ended up talking about his house. And the upshot is that he doesn't now think we can live together for at least 6 years, possibly as long as 10 (when his youngest DC leaves school). He doesn't see the big deal - we spend 3-4 nights a week together, isn't that enough? Well no, it isn't for me. And I thought we had a common goal. He says he doesn't see its that different. But it is, surely?

The reason for the change? He feels it would be unfair on his DC, and involve them/him making all the compromise. At present I live about 30-40 mins from him, and 45 mins from his DC's mum (he is about 10 mins from them, and will be buying a house a similar distance away). He said if he moved in here, or we got a house in this area, his DC would be spending too long travelling, it would be unfair, he couldn't get them to school, on his weekday contact nights they wouldn't get here til 7, and so on. He says it's important he's nearby, and I am simply too far away.

But I've lived here for the duration of our relationship, that hasn't suddenly changed! I get that he hasn't necessarily thought about it, now he has and can't see a solution, other than ok, we'll put all our plans on hold for another 6 years at least.

I just don't know if that's what I want. I don't want our relationship to end. But I don't think staying as we are for another 6 or more years would make me happy. But I can't seem to explain to him why (he doesn't get what difference it makes if it's 2 years or 6, or why we need to live together at all).How do I make sense of my thoughts?

Hope you don't mind me adding that it looks a little as if you have both put difficult conversations off in the past - and have instead made assumptions.

I don't think we've put them off, we've never needed to have them. Certainly as far as I was concerned, our general plan was that we'd live together at some point, within the next few years. I wasn't too bothered with thinking about the fine detail, as I'd assumed we'd sort it all out somehow m.

Just another POV: Why does there have to be a "goal" or "next step" in the relationship? You both are older, apparently, you've had your children - what is the rush? Why not just enjoy one another's company as able and if you still are together when all the kids are launched, figure it out then.

If you are happily spending 3-4 nights a week together and each also have your own jobs, own space, other interests, it sounds ideal. Why gyrate to live together if doing so jeopardizes what you have now? Would there really be that much to gain?

It suits me/ us not to live together now. I'm happy that we have our separate homes. But i can't help feeling another 6 or more years is a long time to spend carting an overnight bag between houses.

I can understand why you're upset. It's his "backing me into a corner" comments that'd sting me the most. They suggest that he sees it like you're pushing him.

The only thing to do now is back WAY off. Don't see or speak to him for a fortnight and use the time to contemplate what YOU want for your OWN future. If that's marriage and cohabitation, it might be time to look for a different guy who is at the same stage that you are.

Are you older than him? Are his kids much younger than yours?

Sorry you're going through this. Must be so disconcerting.

I just married/moved in with DP last year after 5 years of dating. It's felt now but TBH, living apart has its benefits too! I read something today that said couples who live separately are actually the happiest and most stable couples of all... But I can see why ultra thinking long term now,with only 3 years till your DC possibly gly the nest. You're looking to plan the next stage of your life.

Why is your DP getting cold feet now, I wonder -- have the conversations and planning ramped up since Christmas? Or maybe he went to buy a ring and then realised it wasn't what he wanted?

Omg those typos!!!

Felt = lovely
Ultra = you'd be
Gly = fly

There haven't been more conversations recently, I've certainly not been putting any pressure on him because in truth I've been happy with the status quo, that we were still at least a couple of years off moving in together. That was absolutely fine. And if when it came up last night he'd said we'd be living together in 3 years, then that was pretty much as we'd already discussed. But rather than 3 years, he said 6 or more. As to why - my understanding is because he's only recently actually thought about the logistics, and decided he wants to be very near his DC, and that 40 mins is too far.

He tends to take a go with the flow approach to things, hence why I'm maybe a bit taken aback by him seeming so firm on the 6 or more years timeline. I know he just wants us to see what happens. which on one level is fine, but I am now aware he's thinking of 'us' as a household being 6+ years away.

Sorry if I have missed it, but why is he buying a new house?

Considering all the threads on here about the difficulties of blended families, I think "carting an overnight bag between houses" would be the easy option.

He's been renting since his divorce - his intention was always to buy a house once the money came through from his XW, but there were delays with that, a few other issues along the way, hence why it wasn't done a year or more ago. When we were first having conversations about living together, that was still he'd buy first, live in it with DC for a while, and then look to rent it out when we moved in together.

He has expressed his discomfort about living in a house where your ex lived. If you do move in together in the future it may not be in your current house. I may be wrong but you seem a little detached about his choice of new house. Is he involving you in the decision?

Atenco makes a good point

He's asked for my input re the house as I know about house prices/what's good value/will spot obvious faults - but it's not a house I'll ever fully live in (though obviously I'd stay there overnight when I visited etc) so other than making sure he doesn't end up with a complete lemon, any decision is very much up to him.

Assuming you remain together, is it not possible this is the house you will be living in in the future?

...is that what his actions are demonstrating?

What are your actions demonstrating to him? That you really want to live together...but only on your terms. That's pretty much what he is saying too - but as his children are younger, their needs will trump you for some time yet.

You've said you didn't want to move due to your children's schooling, and even after they're adults. Yet you can't understand him wanting the same? That makes no sense.

His actions show love for his children, not a diminishing of love for you.

He's buying a 3 bed house, so no room for me or my DC, hence I wouldn't be living there. Staying over once or twice a week yes, but not living there.

I get that he has his kids to think of but I do too, and as a pp pointed put, my DC only have their home with me. I know he'd like fo be just down the road from them, so they can pop round, stay when they want (once they're older), etc but unless a house in budget comes up within half a mile radius of his ex that won't be possible, and if it does then we're in that position for up to 10 years. And me offering to move closer isn't going to help, unless I move to the same town which I wouldn't really want to as it's further from London, further from my job, has limited transport links, and so on.

There are still a lot of options that you point blank just 'don't want to do'.

Compromise takes two people meeting somewhere close to the middle.

If I were him, I would feel like you didn't take any of my needs seriously. And I definitely would not be uprooting myself, let alone my kids, under those circumstances.

If you're immovable (literally), you only have two options: your way, or it's over.

If he does want to remain living in that town though, what is the compromise for me? I don't see how in that situation we could reach a middle ground?

Move there after your kids have finished school.

After his kids have finished school, find somewhere more equitable for your work, his work, his kids, your kids etc.

If you really see this as a long term thing, there is no harm in having a plan that far in advance.

Assuming there was a 5 bed house for rent in that half mile radius area, then i could move once my youngest DC is 18. But is that really a compromise, isn't it actually me putting myself further from my work, friends, DC if they don't want to come with me, in a place with poor transport links where I wouldn't choose to live?

In that situation it doesn't feel like any kind of compromise at all, it feels like me giving up everything and very little changing for him or his DC.

And I guess you could argue that if he moved to this area, it would be similar, except that this is a better area, better transport, and his journey would be the same.

But it would be temporary, while his children were still at school.

You couldn't even see yourself doing that temporarily?

I'm not sure I'd describe 7 years as temporary.

And me offering to move closer isn't going to help, unless I move to the same town which I wouldn't really want to as it's further from London, further from my job, has limited transport links, and so on.

To be perfectly honest I still think his reasons for staying put outweigh yours. Yours are about inconvenience (commute time, transport); his are about his children.

I sympathise greatly. DH and I went round in circles about where to live for a long time after we got together - he lived in the country, a 40-minute commute from London, and I lived in London proper. I really didn't want to move. Neither did he. In the end it was me that moved, and overall I don't regret the decision, but I can remember feeling very much as you sound.

My hunch is that you may have made an assumption some time ago that in due course your OH would want to move in with you, in London, rather than wanting you to come to him. If you're like I was, you'd have assumed this simply because you're a Londoner and to Londoners it's often inconceivable that anyone given the opportunity to move into London wouldn't want to take it. He's never really contested this, perhaps because he hadn't really considered the logistics as you say. So now he's thinking it through and saying 'actually, wait a minute, this isn't going to work for me until my kids are grown up if at all to be honest' and you're thrown off balance not just because he's moving the goalposts but also because you'd assumed he thought the same way about where to live and he evidently doesn't. So now you're questioning the relationship and what you know about your OH in a much deeper way.

I don't think this is unsolvable. But I do think you might need to think a bit more dispassionately about where to live, and genuinely consider the merits of his position as well as your own. I suspect your reasons for not wanting to move to his town (less good transport, longer commute) actually obscure some more qualitative metropolitan-type objections (eg countryside is boring, country people are parochial and narrow-minded, lack of cultural vibrancy, preponderance of racists etc etc). I'm being a bit flip here but again that's very much the attitude I had. It's not actually like that. Please don't rule out moving away from London - there is life beyond Zone 6.

Apologies if I've got this all wrong and read things into your posts that aren't really there. But above all if anything I've said above rings true then I'd advise putting aside the debate based on practicalities (where the kids are, how long the commute is etc) and have a frank discussion with your OH about long-term choice of location based on lifestyle. If it turns out that you want the metropolitan buzz and weekly trips to the Festival Hall as you get older, while he is daydreaming about opening a miniature donkey stud, then you may need to accept that you won't be moving in together any time soon.

I'm not sure I'd describe 7 years as temporary.

Well, it is.

If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. That's fair enough. It's your life, you need to do what's right for you.

But so does your partner. Blaming him for not compromising when you're not willing to compromise either makes no sense.

It is solvable, but not if you don't want to do what it takes to solve it.