Unsolvable problem?

[esmeralda21]

Not really sure how we got to here, until yesterday I thought we had a brilliant, pretty much good as it could be relationship. And now...I don't know what to think.

We've been together for coming up for 2 years. Had the odd disagreement, nothing major. We both have DC from previous relationships - mine live with me, he has his one night a week and eow.

The relationship's been a serious/long term one in both our eyes from early on, and in terms of living together we thought (within our first year) that it was probably 12-18 months off. We never spoke about any details, but it felt like a common goal we were working towards, and that he (and his DC) would move in with me. Anyway, time moved on and when we talked about it (not in much detail) last year, he quite rightly said that we'd need to create some room for his DC (and him) in my house - I had enough rooms but I had a fair few unfinished DIY jobs. So we've been working through these together, not entirely finished yet but a lot closer. Again we were saying in another year or so...

At Xmas he said he would feel uncomfortable living in this house (as it was my house with my Ex). I understand this - if the shoe was on the other foot, I probably wouldn't feel that happy either. We didn't really resolve this, because I'm not that keen to move for a few years (my DC have lived here all their lives, their school/friends are here - but they do only have a max of 3 years left in education). However it wasn't an outright no, he'd never live here - one of the things we discussed was that probably starting this summer, we'd start his DC staying over one night a week, so they got used to spending time here, and that maybe in 3 years we'd look to get a place together.

So that was, as far as I was concerned, how it was. The other part is that he's looking to buy a house - which I knew when we spoke at Xmas (it's been delayed, various reasons not really relevant to this) but was still planning on moving in with me - again still a year-18 months away, having lived in his house and then switched to a BTL mortgage (he'd spoken to his lender re this and they were happy to switch him over with no penalities after that period.

I'm not really bothered about marriage. Nice if it happens, but not a dealbreaker for me. He has over the last 2 years said he'd like us to get married, once asked me to show him the kind of engagement ring I like, for Xmas bought me a ring sizer...so whilst I wasn't expecting an imminent proposal, I thought we were heading in that direction.

Anyway, last night we ended up talking about his house. And the upshot is that he doesn't now think we can live together for at least 6 years, possibly as long as 10 (when his youngest DC leaves school). He doesn't see the big deal - we spend 3-4 nights a week together, isn't that enough? Well no, it isn't for me. And I thought we had a common goal. He says he doesn't see its that different. But it is, surely?

The reason for the change? He feels it would be unfair on his DC, and involve them/him making all the compromise. At present I live about 30-40 mins from him, and 45 mins from his DC's mum (he is about 10 mins from them, and will be buying a house a similar distance away). He said if he moved in here, or we got a house in this area, his DC would be spending too long travelling, it would be unfair, he couldn't get them to school, on his weekday contact nights they wouldn't get here til 7, and so on. He says it's important he's nearby, and I am simply too far away.

But I've lived here for the duration of our relationship, that hasn't suddenly changed! I get that he hasn't necessarily thought about it, now he has and can't see a solution, other than ok, we'll put all our plans on hold for another 6 years at least.

I just don't know if that's what I want. I don't want our relationship to end. But I don't think staying as we are for another 6 or more years would make me happy. But I can't seem to explain to him why (he doesn't get what difference it makes if it's 2 years or 6, or why we need to live together at all).How do I make sense of my thoughts?

You chose to get involved with The father of young children. Commendably he is making them his first priority till they are young adults.

If that cramps your style you might seek out a childfree man or one whose kids are grown. With this guy you will not be the No 1 priority for some years to come and that's how it should be.

When I got involved with him, fr

Sorry, cut off half my post....

from the early stages of our relationship it was always planned we'd live together in a couple of years, in my house (initially at least, longer term we'd buy together). And that we'd also get engaged, and probably marry.

That plan has now changed.

Sorry but I am also on his side. If I was the NRP I would hate to move further away from my children. Especially as they got older and contact could be more flexible (e.g. teenagers choosing to spend more time with the NRP). Is he hoping to get more time with them over and above the 1 night per week?

Please don't demonise him for putting his children first - just like you do. It's an impossible situation in the short term but with the right attitude and understanding you can make it work.

You seem more aggrieved that he's moved the goalposts - well, maybe he has. People change their minds, and shouldn't be afraid to do so. He's not conned you, you haven't uprooted your life for him, he's just got a different perspective than he did three years ago.

I don't think it's fair to say it was planned from the start and he's a shit for backing out now.

What was planned was that around now you would be thinking about moving in together - that's what you are doing.

You thought it would probably be in your house. Now it is getting more serious a prospect in his mind he has decided that it would not be right for him and his DC.

His reasoning concerning his relationship with his DC as a NRP is very sound. Yours less so TBH.

You are upset because you had pinned your hopes on him moving into your house with you. That isn't going to happen and TBF he is making the right decision.

He is entirely correct that your plan involves him making all the sacrifices and you none.

I don't see that, if you are the one who desperately wants to live together sooner rather than later, it would be a massive and unworkable sacrifice for you to move in with him when your DC leave home until his DC leave and you can move somewhere new. That just seems like the most reasonable thing to do.

Did you actually agree that he'd move in with you, and away from his DC, or is that just what you hoped would happen?

I do think this is the danger of planning a relationship too much. You can't know what's going to happen in three years!

I'd not pinned my hopes on anything actually.

He'd said initially he'd move in with me within a certain timeframe. Of his own free will, not me wheedling it out of him . That was at least partly why we'd spent time doing up the house, so i could accommodate him and his DC.

More recently he said he didn't want to live in my house. Fair enough - but he was still saying we'd live together (in this area, if not the house) in 2-3 years.

Now it's at least 6 years, and not in this area anyway. And any engagement or marriage is a while after that (whereas I thought, after Xmas, it was a lot closer at hand).

Whilst I get his reasons, I would defy anyone in my position not to have been upset and disappointed. But some of the more recent posts make me feel I'm in the wrong for this! And for not wanting to move away from here to a (not at all rural) area that would increase my travel costs more than 5 times.

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed. But his reasons are fair and show him to be a good father.

I think you may need to adjust to the new situation and decide whether you still want to continue the relationship given the way he has changed his plans. I can see that might take a bit of soul searching. It would be entirely fair for you to rethink the relationship in the light of this, or to feel disappointed. But the one thing that would not be fair (and it doesn't sound like you're doing this) would be putting pressure on him to change his mind.

Well I think it'd be unfair to expect him to be called unreasonable for putting his children first or saying he felt the suggestion was requiring him to make all the sacrifices, because that is true- it does and you should really have recognised that fact before now OP.

I shouldn't have realised anything. I'm entitled to take what he said at face value. He's a grown man - what, because I'm a woman I'm meant to explain the ramifications of any suggestion he makes to him, in case he's not thought it through? I don't really think that's the way functioning adults behave, and I don't really get why you're being so very critical of me Offred.

Manatee yes, soul searching is required. For me I think I need to understand from him and receive his reassurances that this quite significant change in future plans doesn't represent any 'change' in his feelings for me, or in his commitment to our relationship. A few months ago I thought I'd be getting a ring this year (why else find out my ring size?) clearly that isn't happening. I want to be sure this is as it seems, and I'm not being a fool.

Being in love with someone for me means looking out for their best interests. Taking care of yourself in a relationship means thinking about whether something being suggested is reasonably likely to happen and not just taking things at face value.

So yes, you should have realised that the plan included him making a disproportionate amount of sacrifice and I think you should have been concerned with that unfairness and also on warning that he might not actually follow through with it because of that.

It's nothing to with being a woman. That's utterly ridiculous. It's about realising that sometimes people say things about long off future plans that they haven't really thought through and about looking out for each other.

You can be upset and disappointed but don't make him into 'the bad guy'... That's totally unreasonable.

You want, quite rightly, to do things your way for your children. He wants, equally rightly, to do things his way for his children. And you are both right.

Is it really important that you live together in the same house? Right now, when you are both wanting to put your dc's needs first? Can't living together wait until all your dcs are not going to be compromised? You both sound like lovely people who really think about what is best for their children.

It's up to you whether this is an unsolvable problem. It seems to me that you want something that doesn't really work for any of the people involved, including you.

until yesterday I thought we had a brilliant, pretty much good as it could be relationship You could focus on that, instead of on this cohabiting issue. Lots of people who do live together don't have what you already have.

I really don't think it's for me to run his life for him. A lot of men do end up living 30-40 mins from their DC, or further, so it's not like it would be unthinkable. He's now decided (as he has the choice and we can afford to continue to live separately) he'd rather be closer than that, and indeed than he lives now.

I'm not going to force him to change his mind. But I do have to now adjust my expectations and face the fact I probably won't be getting married or engaged, and I do also think he should now be reassuring me that we have a long term future.

Your last sentence sums it up well esmeralda21 , your expectations have had to change radically in a short space of time and you are left wondering if you have a long term future. Although his protestations about not living with you for many years or in your current house may be due to him being an involved father there may be other reasons behind his decision. Talk of a ring without follow through, although perhaps for genuine reasons, may also have been a stalling technique.

It's not about running his life for him. It's about being considerate and reasonable. If you were my partner and you kicked up a big fuss about this and got all dramatic about it I'd think you were manipulative and selfish. It would be highly off putting.

Who's said anything about being dramatic? We had a plan, he's changed his mind (quite significantly). Being upset and expecting to know now where I stand is pretty reasonable I'd have thought.

I'd defy anyone not to be upset if they'd expected to be engaged soon and suddenly that wasn't happening. Being cynical, could that have been just a way to keep me quiet?

This decision is clearly better for his DC. But i think expecting to be reassured that is the only reason behind it is not expecting too much, nor making a big fuss.

A lot of men do end up living 30-40 mins from their DC, or further, so it's not like it would be unthinkable.

You seem to imply that it's not a big deal. Or that fathers are less important than mothers in the lives of children. That comes across as extremely unpleasant. I think most NRPs would choose to be close to their children if they could (awaits barrage of examples of uncaring NRPs).

If I were him I'd be looking for reassurance that you were still committed to the relationship given that he has made the decision to put his children first.

I get you're disappointed, but you seem to be nursing that feeling and looking for validation of it. Wallow away for a bit if it helps, but it won't solve the problem.

Well what you have written here is certainly quite dramatic and takes no account of the fact that moving into your house would have meant him and his children would be doing all the sacrificing so your children could stay near the public transport you are used to.

You have been sneerily dismissive of his very good reasons and his children's needs on this thread, that's certainly what has irritated me. That and all the being set on a ring, it also seems like you have selectively clung onto the bits of what he has said that you wanted to hear and ignored the parts you didn't want to hear.

He is uncomfortable about moving into your family home and he doesn't want to be distanced from his children. He doesn't want to make all the sacrifices in order for you two to live together. All of those things are perfectly reasonable and getting all 'I am worried you don't love me if you don't want to do it my way' is dramatic and unreasonable not to mention hugely off putting. You seem like you have no empathy at all for his predicament and are pushing for him to choose between his children and you. That would make me run a mile in the opposite direction if I was on the receiving end.

And I think the only way of resolving this is for you to empathise with his reasons and work together on something that suits you both, though given you are happy currently and talking only about the future it seems to be a storm in a teacup TBF - cross the practicalities of living together bridge when you come to it, why ruin it now based on something that isn't happening now?

He said exactly what has been said here - that it's him doing all the compromising.

There is a good reason he thinks that - He is right.

Exactly. Why even make a big deal of this now?

There are many benefits to his idea

• no blended families as such (they can be quite stressful)

• your DC both get you to themselves and don't need to live with a step parent during their formative years

• your finances will be seperate which means that if anything should go wrong the split will be easy in the financial sense

• living with a man is over rated!! At least you don't need to do his housework, clean up after his DC etc

• I can totally understand why you are wondering if his commitment towards you had shifted, discuss that with him

He doesn't want to live with me, IRRESPECTIVE OF LOCATION for at least 6 years.

So however much I compromise, even if I uproot myself and my DC, it makes no difference.

But fine, according to most of you I'm meant to just suck up that complete change and act as though it never happened, that we hadn't planned moving in together in a coupleof years, or that he'd never given me a present making me think we'd be getting engaged soon m.

That's how relationships go sometimes. He has set out his stall. You can choose to work with it or break up with him.

It is clear that it was you that was planning this option and he was considering it for a while. He's made a final decision now, you should have appreciated the sacrifice that would have been required for him to move to yours beforehand rather than being dismissive.

His circumstances mean that he does not want to live with a partner until his children are older. That is fine, completely understandable. You need to stop catastrophising it all and think more rationally.

Wanting to move in with a partner is not unreasonable, if this is the case he is not the man for you or he may be the man for you right now but not one you have a long term future with.

He is not a bad man, he hasn't done anything horrible he has simply thought more seriously and changed his mind for sensible and predictable reasons.

Kicking up a big stink about it will do you no favours at all. Accept his decision, empathise with his reasons and make your own choices.