Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Love camping stay around here, it's very non judgemental and helpful.
Diege I remember your lovely comments years ago when I was struggling to conceive and miscarrying. Sad to be in this situation here but you are a strong lady and we have mn. Good luck with the driving, good plan.

thank you... I wasn't sure if I'd get any support. I'm on the sofa & hes fast sleep snoring... It really is over. He cares but just doesn't have the headspace for me & the kids... It really feels sad & heart breaking. I'm not sure what the next step is now.

Hi all, I'm so glad this thread has kept going. Sending my wishes out to those who are also struggling.
Spoke to my ddad a couple of days ago and he is so worried about the whole thing, my drum totally unsupportive. All they have said really is how much they like dh.
I kind of think, well you fucking have him then! Don't get me wrong, I like him, as a person but he isn't 100 percent who they see him as, if that makes sense.
I also think there is this horror that I will be making myself a single mum.
They actually 'stayed together for the kids' and it was awful. I would never say that to them, because I appreciate that they really did try. But I do wish they hadn't bothered because they are much happier people now they are separated.
My 'ducks in a row' is going slowly but surely, I've never got enough for a flat deposit, and I've got kitchen stuff stashed away with a friend, am going to start putting money onto a supermarket giftcard so I can also buy things like towels etc.
It sounds so sneaky. But things all the time remind me why I'm doing it.
For example, dh has managed to blow through his wages in 6 days :( he had a bonus too. After bills he has some how managed to burn about £1000.i have literally no idea how or on what.
Hope all okay, and that people are managing to come to some resolutions/decisions

*nearly got enough

Love camping. Have you broached the idea of separating with your dh because of how unhappy you are or suggested counselling.
Unfortunately I've done this since years and he ignores me, says it's my problem and that he can't change. I still haven't left so this can backfire on you leaving you feeling more frustrated and lacking in care but I am edging closer to leaving. Ducks in row so to speak.
Awoof. You are right to build up some money and provisions. Don't feel bad, does he after blowing your money? Regarding telling your parents I think everyone's first reaction is to want you to stay, call it inertia to change, worry for your security esp if there's no obvious signs of abuse. It's very frustrating not to have that support but we're here for you.

Hi Shandy! Sorry you're going through the same - ttc days seem VERY long ago!
Wedding anniversary today and for the first time in 15 years he's brought out the flowers, chocs, expensive jewellery. I didn't get him anything and feel quite guilty...I know he'll be on the phone to his personal cheerleading squad (his sister) tonight who sees him as the victim in all of this. Interestingly he is a cross between mr sensitive and the victim on the Bancroft abuser profiles...

Sandy - my dh is the same! It's all me & in my head. I've tried getting home to counselling but says it's not him! So I'm going to counselling to help me build confidence to leave...
I haven't started lining my ducks but will. Slowing putting money away so he doesn't know.
Thank you everyone

Good for you lovecamping. Lining up the ducks is empowering, even if it may take some time to complete. The very fact you've made the decision must ne some comfort, though bring its its own pain as this thread shows

Thanks shandybass
No I don't think he does feel bad at all. Think he very much sees me as the 'little woman' god knows why!!
I do wonder if the horror of leaving the father of your dc is a bit of a throw back / age related attitude too.
Very relieved and glad to have you all to talk to

Just running in to say hi really. My dh has his week off (I did mine last week) for easter holidays and have taken the dc's to his mums. It's a relief to get some space to be honest. While he has been away I have investigated the mortgage and what money we would have from the house and also done a thorough investigation of what other money besides wages I could expect, just wanted to share my findings -

I'm sure you all know this but you can calculate tax credits online very easily. I was surprised how much extra I was entitled to, if you are working and on a very low wage, you might be able to get quite a bit of help through this. link here:
taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Shared ownership houses are also an option I hadn't considered if you are in the position to put a small deposit down - there are some very affordable options. there is a link here to find out about that:
www.sharetobuy.com/sharedownershipproperty

If you are not in a position to do that, you can apply for housing benefit and if you have a local connection to the area you are in, local authority housing. Check this website to see what you would be entitled to:
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Some local authorities will help with rent deposit schemes - you do have to find a landlord that will accept housing benefit but your council should help with that. So you may be able to move without having to save up reams of cash first. Our local authority has scrapped the rent deposit scheme, but there is some help still available, they just call it something different now, so it's always worth finding out.

Finally you can calculate how much maintenance your dh will be asked to contribute here: www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Child benefit, tax credits and maintenance payments all count as acceptable income towards mortgages and I think rent.

It may seem mercenary to make these calculations, but I think if you are thinking of leaving, you are in a much stronger mental place once you know what you will have available to you via benefits/other income. I certainly feel less demented since I sat down and unpicked all of the money side of it.

hope that all helps some of us :)

Delurking. I have started a couple of threads in the past. I have name changed. I have just got back from 4 days at Mum's with my 2 DC. I've been reading MN threads and having had some time to reflect it has put into perspective how deeply, deeply unhappy I am. I was dreading seeing him when he came home from work just now but I am just being polite. I am so scared as I think I already know what I want to do.

I have been with DH 11 years, married 2. I was pressured to get married for financial benefits to which I haven't found any. I proposed, bought him a ring, bought myself a ring from Argos (£15 - sad!) arranged everything on a shoe string/eBay etc.

Six months later my other half said he was so high on meds he bought on the internet that he can't even remember the service (reg office). I took my ring off. He took his off. I have never changed my name. Little things that shouldn't make a difference seem to. Our evenings consist of feeding and getting the kids to bed, DH sits on computer all night with headphones on and I read the Internet. I have become a hermit from my friends.

On Christmas Eve - one of my favourite days of the year we both drank too much. I got upset and he told me I was mentally ill. A couple of weeks ago similar night without me upset. He told me it was over. I didn't remember until the morning. We didn't discuss it the next day. I admit I have been relying on alcohol - not excessively but I have. Fact is the hurtful comments - not that I haven't been vile myself in the past. I can't do this anymore.

Being at my mums gave me a chance to research my unhappiness.

Fact is, I have never been on my own. I moved out at 19 and have pretty much had continuous - lived with boyfriends since then - now in my 40's. My parents lived a lie and stayed together whilst my Dad serial adulterated and split eventually - him marrying his mistress. So for me to not make this work just makes me feel like I am completely failing. I don't want to break up our little family but I am desperately unhappy. I am in me second house - lost my first with a bad split 11 years ago. Starting over again. My boy dotes on him. My head is just rammed with where to start. Not sure why I am posting this at all. Probably sound like a complete FU. But still grateful for any advice..

IronNeonClasp - you so would not be failing or following in your parents footsteps. I don't think you sound like a FU either!! I think actually, your relationship sounds like you're both thinking it's over but neither one has made the move to end it? If you're deeply unhappy, and it sounds as if you are, it is ok to put a stop to it.

We are the mothers, and traditionally the holder-together part of a family i guess, or that's how i see it, and that's part of the reason why it feels so wrong to dismantle a family. But. YOU are important. I used to think that it was ok for me to be miserable, if the other three were happy. But it's not true. If i am miserable, I'm not able to look after the kids as I want to. I realised in the last few weeks that actually I am important too. Everyone has to be happy, and if one person, even just one, isn't, you fix it however you have to. If one of the kids was deeply unhappy, you'd move heaven and earth to fix things, even if it meant a huge upheaval. All of the members of the family are important. If the family isn't functioning because the parent's relationship is broken, it needs looking at, I think.

Be brave, you've taken the first step in realising what you need to do, if you think you want to leave, talk to your husband when sober (both) and see what you both want to do, then take it from there. Small steps. Good luck :)

Thank you so much WWKD. I'm feeling so 'wrong'. And right. You're sentence struck me and I believe - yes - we are both unhappy. I can't be bothered to work on it - to try counselling etc. I have tried - for so many years. Thank you so much for your post - Sincerely. I appreciate it so much.

ah, it's ok. It is a really, really shitty situation to be in. I know what you mean about feeling so wrong, it's so hard to think you're the one that's going to (at first!) make your family unhappy, but I do sincerely think that if it's not working, and you've tried, it's ok to stop. You deserve to be happy :)

I've been with my DH 17 years, and the problems were low level but there really very early on, but on I bulldozered, thinking it would all be ok, or that I could make do. I, like you, have tried, suggesting, making an effort, trying to force him out on date nights (never even happened - he ignored that suggestion until a couple of weeks ago when i think he finally realised I want to go). We too have thought about counselling, sorry, I thought about counselling and suggested it to a lukewarm response of, "I don't want to, but if you want to i suppose i will") and gradually, over time, and then quite rapidly in the last month or so, I just realised it's never going to get to a point I would feel like I'm in an actual relationship.

I'm feeling like you about the counselling now too. I wanted to go to relate but he suggested five free sessions through his work insurance wellbeing service....I don't want to fix our marriage any more but may go as a way of being able to talk rationally to each other and maybe understand what's happen and where we go from here.

Anyway, Iron, be strong, you've made the first move. Remember you have the right to be happy too. I think we all owe it to our husbands to try, and to talk to them about it, but if that fails repeatedly, and if no ones up for counselling, it's ok to stop. You're going to be ok. :)

WWKDD I agree. We haven't spoken - just politeness this evening. He started to drink half 4 (finished work early). He will go to bed at 8/8:30 and I will Netflix and chill. It's a lifestyle. That I don't want anymore. But it's breaking the connection - albeit already broke. Selfishly I want to be on my own with the DC with him having full access. But I cannot maintain this dreadful existence. I was thinking (everything) problem solving - it was the sex - I am v sexual. In fact this was my last kind of resolve to try and sort stuff - sorry not making sense. It was awful - dreadful. It was a nail in the coffin. No pleasure for me ever. Missionary and dog style. Absolutely crap. Fed up. I've been sharing a toddler bunk bed with my daughter for about 8 months...!!

also, I've never been on my own either - i've always been in a situation where the finances were dealt with by someone else - at uni it was all taken care of by a grant and the bills were all in, then I lived abroad for a year, again, paid for by the project I worked on, then came to live back home while I got a job and so on, but very quickly met my husband and moved in with him two months later. If i could go back, I would so tell myself to just slow bloody down and live on my own for a bit. The prospect of branching out alone has terrified me, but the more I look into it, it becomes demystified, and actually, it's doable, it will be ok.

:) our sex life is also shit - I have a much higher libido and would like to have sex say, twice a week, he is happy with once every couple of months, and even then it feels like I'm forcing him lol. When it happens it's satisfying, but he never ever kisses me, which I miss. We haven't had sex for about eight months.

I don't think it's selfish to want to live alone with the kids with him having full access. I hope that when we split, we will be able to do that, I don't plan on limiting his access, obviously we will have to have some sort of lose arrangement, but I can't see why I wouldn't want him to see them whenever they all want. I am hoping for an amicable arrangement, and I'm even hoping that we can be friends once the dust settles!

WWKDD - are you ending it?

WWKDD I will PM you. Sorry I cannot edit posts on the app!

Yes I am. We talked about our situation a week or so ago and I said I wanted to go but that I felt trapped, he said he didn't want to lose the kids but didn't think I'd be happy to stay till they leave either. So now I guess I have to screw up the courage to tell him I want to leave. I don't think I can stay. In the current situation I can't stay. I'm in a relationship that isn't really a relationship. I'm considering suggesting going to the counselling to help us split amicably - he finds it very very hard to discuss any emotional things and I usually have to drag a response out of him, I don't know, I think you can get counselling to help to come to terms with the end of a relationship.

I am so sorry Ironneonclasp and Whatwouldkimdealdo.
Your situations sounds awful but so similar to mine....

I've spent a second night in the sofa and have finally come to the realisation that it really is over. It's funny how I don't feel angry or hate, just a sense of calm and sadness.

He's away next week so time for me to start lining up my ducks & plan... It's going to take time though and maybe years b4 things will b in place. At least the kids will be older & able to understand.... Shit it's going to be so tough.

I'm sorry lovecamping. I slept with my DD last night. When I was staying with my mum I slept 4 nights. But last night I woke at 2 and 4 worrying and anxious. I have always connected this with work but I wonder all this time if it's been staring me in the face. I'm hoping to talk to him later today...

AllOvertheplace I can really relate to you. I am also not the one to rock the boat but if it was done for me then I'm sure I would cope.

Thank you WWKD for the practical tips, when I have a bit more time i will study it properly as I'm worried that as I have savings but very little income then I will have to spend my savings on rent and then I'll have no fall back money.
Sorry you and Iron are having such a crap time you are a little ahead of me. I still haven't broached counselling yet. I feel I should ask again as I think dh knows things are more serious now and may agree. To be honest I doubt it will change my mind but may give us a chance to break up amicably.
I've had a look around there seem to be quite a lot of private counsellors. Any tips anyone on choosing one?