How much of this is me and wtf do I do?

[Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife]

DH and I have been married 10 years together 13. We also own and run a company with 50 employees together (this is relevant, honestly). We have 2 DC aged 6 and 4. He is a lovely man and a brilliant dad

Tbh our sex life has never been brilliant and I suspect that at least 50% of that is because although I love and care for him and we make a good team I'm not really attracted to him anymore, but that is partly because when we do have sex it's not really enjoyable so it's a bit of a vicious circle.

Obviously there's all the usual relationship stuff that you would expect after 13 years together, but he's a good man. A bit grumpy and inclined to sulk but not abusive in any way.

Anyway...

The last couple of times we've had sex I've gone from not particularly wanting to, which I could live with, to actively not wanting to, which I can't. The last time we did was last weekend and I felt a kind of internal horror the whole time but didn't really feel I was in a position to refuse because we've been arguing a bit recently and I felt I needed to show him everything was OK.

Then last night I was in bed when he came up. He put his hand on my hip and started stroking me and I kind of half laughed and said "that's a bit optimistic for this time of night". He said "yes but I can still have a play though" and carried on touching me. I was lying on my side facing away from him and didn't respond to either the comment or the touching at all. After a few minutes I got up and got a drink of water and that was pretty much it.

So...

Nothing happened, I didn't say no, he didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel horrible this morning. I know I'm probably not going to be able to avoid sex this weekend without upsetting him (no violence, just low level sulking) so I'm pretty much going to do it even though I don't want to just to keep the peace. But I don't want to go on feeling like this forever.

So what do I do? I can't leave - the investors we have for the business mean I actually literally can't - my contract only allows me to leave from death or critical illness for the next 5 years at least. Plus I think that once you have children assuming there's no abuse then you have a responsibility to put their happiness first rather than your own so I don't feel comfortable breaking up the family unit at the moment.

But I don't want to go on feeling like this either I don't know what I can do

Oh, have name changed for this obvs

Ugh. I agree with canyouforgiveher.

You have a clingy, controlling man who doesn't make an effort to be interesting, to have a life of his own or to do his share of the work, and also he is usurping credit for work you do? and seems to expect you to be grateful?

it's no wonder you can't stand him touching you.

Question: Is he generally an unattractive man - poor hygiene, out of shape, somewhat homely? In other words, put him in a room somewhere and would, say, more t han 50 percent of the women in the room find him reasonably attractive? Or less than that?

I.e., is he unappealing to you because of the dynamic or just because he's physically repulsive? If the latter, how did you get around that to conceive your c hildren, etc.?

I would not continue to have sex with him, either way, but I would be honest about wanting a sexless relationship.

I am actually quite appalled about the work situation - to the point I'm struggling to verbalise it.

So, you do all the work (moreorless) to actually cover for him. By actually doing his job. Yet he gets the kudos and the recognition from one and all.. but it's your work. Pretty much all of it.

Two things: it's not the 1950s when women automatically backlit their men. And your set-up is classically codependent.

Of course you don't fancy him! You can't fancy someone you are carrying like a baby. You can't fancy someone you don't respect.

I very very strongly advise you not to have sex when your whole being recoils from it. It is SO damaging to you psychologically, emotionally - so damaging to your soul.

It's time to stop this. To stop this charade. You are the MD, the brains, the graft: you are the business. He is the showman - how can you argue with that? What sort of person would allow this to continue ; to get all the credit when they haven't done the work?

I can quite see you couldn't let someone into the inner circle [to do 'your' job] - because it would immediately become apparent what is going on.

This is really dreadful. There is no way you could split and remain working in the way you currently are! What would happen if you didn't do his job for him and just did your own? Would it reflect badly on you or just him? Do you cover for him to protect him or the business?
You don't have to live like this, it's an awful set up. Of course you don't want sex with him! Who would?

Thank you so much everyone for replying. I can't really speak about the in real life so having this outlet really helps.

He's not unattractive. Well presented, good hygiene etc. Probably less than 50% of a room would fancy him, but not much less. Quite a few of the junior staff fancy him, though I think being the MD helps with that. He does have quite a lot of loose skin on his torso from previously being overweight that I find a bit off putting but I've had two babies so I'm not exactly perfect either.

It is really difficult. I feel that I basically have a bit of a crap boss who takes the piss, not that unusual, but most people don't then have to go home and sleep with him.

I have been trying to just do my job and work more closely with a couple of my colleagues who I trust and have a good working relationship with, but then his just doesn't get done and it is critical to the management of the business so it all starts to go wrong.

Why don't you co front him about his job not getting done instead of doing it for him? Be his peer not his mommy.

Or go out & start a competing business!

You feel like you have "a bit of a crap boss"? And that technically he is your senior? But this does not refect what either of you actually bring to the business.

Surely, things change in business? In big corporations people get promoted to the board, for example.

Time to change the structure, it would seem...

Can the Board really be totally unaware of your husband's incompetence? Surely he gets asked questions at board meetings - what happens then?
Actually this could put your business enterprise at risk if someone realises he is free-riding.
Could some business coaching help - maybe identify some things he is good at and shuffle him sideways. Let your light shine.

Why can't he learn to do his job?

I have an acquaintance who has been married for 20 years. Her DH rarely did anything without her. She did a couple of things on her own but he won't go shopping, walk the dog, even decorate without her there.

It's taken 20 years for her to start rebelling. Don't be the same. Find an interest and go and do it. Find another one. The less you're in each other's pockets the more chance you might want to be with him.

BTW do you not want sex with him, or do you think you don't want sex with anyone?

I haven't been in your position, OP, but I have worked a dodgy boss who passed my work and ideas off as his own. I don't know how you stand it! I think that if you've decided you don't want to be together, then you need to start protecting yourself. That starts with protecting yourself at work. You do your job and you do it well. If you contribute to things he presents, your name goes on the paperwork. If he has a critical piece of work coming up, that is clearly his work, then you are busy with your work. Or you're off sick. Do not let him get away with this. I'm assuming he gets paid more than you? No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. You must have no respect for him!

I'm sorry I'm not replying much. I am reading everything and it's really helping just, well, it's hard to get time on my own. To answer a few questions....

No, it's not sex in general I have a problem with. I do still find people attractive. I wasn't sure for a few years and thought it was just me, but I do feel attracted to people.

I think some of the board do know, or at least suspect. There's definitely pressure on him to step up and perform but he can't so it becomes my responsibility. I think that's one of the things that's pushed the whole situation into unacceptable territory for me. Before this I did most of his job but fairly openly under the guise of 'delegation', but now the pressure is on him my contribution is hidden.

He is paid more than me but less so than would be normal for our respective roles. This was something I put my foot down on a bit when we were appointed as I knew that a lot of the actual work would fall to me.

It's very difficult though to make a big deal of it and push to change the company structure. I probably could do it because the company does need me, but I'm not sure our relationship would survive.

I think I do want to leave... eventually, but if I do that I'd be splitting up our family and I look at our DC and I'm not sure how or when I could do that to them.

I don't know, I'm sorry, I don't have the answers yet.

Blimey, no you don't want to rush into anything. This is Big Life Stuff, and of course you need to think things through properly. We are just some well-wishers on the internet

What. The. Actual. Fuck. You are his prisoner, he won't let you out of his sight, you DO HIS JOB FOR HIM, and you're wondering why you don't want to have sex with him?!!!!

Wake up and smell the shit. You are his professional and domestic slave. Don't be his sex slave as well.

Emotional abuse can be extremely subtle. Sulking and possessiveness are both signs. Here are some more.

In any case, whether he is abusive or not and whether you're willing to admit it or not this dynamic is extremely unhealthy and you need to change it.

Stop doing his job for him and stop having sex when you don't want to.

OP, what would happen if you tried to talk to him about this?
Are you afraid of his reaction?
Might he perhaps be relieved to have this unsustainable position out in the open?
What would be the way out of this dilemma?

You say he's a lovely man but what we are getting through you posts is that he is grumpy, sulky, pushy, selfish, not great in bed, willing to take credit for work you do, willing to have you do his work and your own and worst of all so controlling/clingy/whatever that you don't have time to yourself to post on the internet.

It is certainly no wonder you don't want sex and you should stop doing it when you don't want to.

Also - one scenario to ponder: Your relationship does not survive and you need to earn a living for yourself and the children. Wouldn't you be better able to do that if you had the proper title, the proper pay and the proper recognition/CV entries that reflect what you actually do and are capable of doing?

Just out of curiosity what ages are you both?

I am late 30s he is mid/late 40s. He does seem older than me in the last year or so, in terms of not wanting to do things etc, which hasn't been the case before.

The difficulty in talking to him about it is that he fully recognises that he needs me to do the bulk of the actual work (and will say quite happily that he appreciates it, wouldn't be where he is now if it wasn't for me etc) but doesn't see that as an unsustainable situation or one that there's any option to change.

His suggested solution is that we build the company up to sell it with him as MD then I can be MD just before the sale so that he doesn't get tied in (hopefully 5 yrs time).

But I feel I'll have given everything I have by then. I just don't think I can do it. In 5 years time I am afraid that both I and our relationship will be completely broken.

I have asked myself whether his behaviour is emotionally abusive, partly because if it is I would feel more justified in leaving whereas at the moment I don't feel I could break up my DC's family unit for no reason other than myself.

I really don't think he is though. I think he's just very dependent on me for his happiness at both work and home (he doesn't really have or want friends) and doesn't see how unusual this is.

Until fairly recently this hasn't been too much of a problem, but it is now, and I am acutely conscious that I am the one trying to change things (by working away, doing less for him at work etc) and that it's having a negative effect on our relationship.

I do feel a very slight element of my behaviour being controlled by his approval/disapproval

I don't think you can live like this.
I too was once in a relationship where he wanted to be with me more than vice versus but I made all the effort. It doesn't work. If you are so important to him he needs to raise his game.

If that was me (I'm no angel) I'd worry that the situation would leave me vulnerable to meeting someone else and just cracking and having an affair and the whole thing being turned into 'my' fault. Don't let it get to that stage. Personally, I'd go to counselling, lay the whole thing on the table, and see what happens. Either he's man enough to change enough stuff for you to want him again or he isn't - which will not be your fault. I appreciate the business/family stuff is very difficult but we all have a bottom line and it sounds insupportable.

This is like one of those lateral thinking puzzels " ..imagine you are in a trap and you have to get out of it without damaging yourself or breaking the trap.."
...except its not a trap.. You just think it is because what everybody else would like to happen is all lined up and you are putting all of that in a place that's more important than what you would like to happen..or not happen.
At work, If your partner was incapacitated for ..say three months (not suggesting this..just theoretical) everybody would have to change their expectations of how things would work ..but things would carry on, roles would be changed and adapted..it would happen, the current situation is not fixed in stone. The current normal can be changed. Differentiate between "have to" and "expected to" and then stop doing "expected to" ..

But from what you've said, the business would collapse if you stopped doing his job.

Sounds like you're on a treadmill

But the business would not collapse if he went into work and said, "I have not been able to do this job well recently and Ihope has been covering my responsibilities, in light of this I will step back and she will fully take on my role...there will be no effective change in the functioning of the business"
It's his ego..not her treadmill

I love my husband dearly but if I had to spend all my time with him I would very quickly become annoyed and angry. You need things outside the relationship as well. I think you need to start carving out your space and so does he. Do the shopping on your own or get him to do it. Can you take up a hobby? What if you went to the gym either before or after work, meaning you need to take two cars.

Having your own space is vital in a relationship. He might find when he has some of his own he finds things to occupy his time too, once he doesn't have you to lean on.

You've had good advice about the work situation too. You need to make changes, you can't live like this. Your kids need you to be happy and to see a proper relationship, not a suffocating one where everyone is happy except the one person keeping the show on the road.

665 you are right, but that would never happen. Plus it would come with it's own difficulties as we need both our salaries to cover the mortgage

I think what bothers me most is that when they appointed him the board gave him the job that I was best suited to/already doing and he accepted it fully knowing that th only way he could do it was if I shadowed him and did a lot of it for him, yet him turning it down and saying "ihope would be the best person for this role" never occurred to him as an option.

Actually, no. Perhaps what bothers me most is that it never occurred to me either. I can't believe I walked myself into this position!