How much of this is me and wtf do I do?

[Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife]

DH and I have been married 10 years together 13. We also own and run a company with 50 employees together (this is relevant, honestly). We have 2 DC aged 6 and 4. He is a lovely man and a brilliant dad

Tbh our sex life has never been brilliant and I suspect that at least 50% of that is because although I love and care for him and we make a good team I'm not really attracted to him anymore, but that is partly because when we do have sex it's not really enjoyable so it's a bit of a vicious circle.

Obviously there's all the usual relationship stuff that you would expect after 13 years together, but he's a good man. A bit grumpy and inclined to sulk but not abusive in any way.

Anyway...

The last couple of times we've had sex I've gone from not particularly wanting to, which I could live with, to actively not wanting to, which I can't. The last time we did was last weekend and I felt a kind of internal horror the whole time but didn't really feel I was in a position to refuse because we've been arguing a bit recently and I felt I needed to show him everything was OK.

Then last night I was in bed when he came up. He put his hand on my hip and started stroking me and I kind of half laughed and said "that's a bit optimistic for this time of night". He said "yes but I can still have a play though" and carried on touching me. I was lying on my side facing away from him and didn't respond to either the comment or the touching at all. After a few minutes I got up and got a drink of water and that was pretty much it.

So...

Nothing happened, I didn't say no, he didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel horrible this morning. I know I'm probably not going to be able to avoid sex this weekend without upsetting him (no violence, just low level sulking) so I'm pretty much going to do it even though I don't want to just to keep the peace. But I don't want to go on feeling like this forever.

So what do I do? I can't leave - the investors we have for the business mean I actually literally can't - my contract only allows me to leave from death or critical illness for the next 5 years at least. Plus I think that once you have children assuming there's no abuse then you have a responsibility to put their happiness first rather than your own so I don't feel comfortable breaking up the family unit at the moment.

But I don't want to go on feeling like this either I don't know what I can do

Oh, have name changed for this obvs

If you want to maintain the marriage and business partnership but nix the sex, can you tell him that you simply don't want a sexual relationship with him anymore and he's free to (discreetly) pursue other partners for NSA sex?

We have had a talk a few times about sharing workloads more evenly, but the problem is that, at work at least, he just can't do it. He is technically the boss - we were appointed to the board by the investors during the recession from within the company as an alternative to winding it up and I think they just saw a successful team and assumed it was the result of the older man rather than the younger woman and acted accordingly.

He knows he can't do it and does appreciate the work I do. I have always done his job first and then mine, but I told myself it didn't matter as we were married so the benefit would be to both of us and the important thing was that the work got done.

But suddenly I find myself at 40 having effectively spent my whole career as his PA. not that there's anything wrong with being a PA, but it's not what my role is supposed to be. I prepare all his figures and reports and then he presents them at board meetings etc and I am beginning to resent it.

My role is more client facing and I have been making more of an effort lately to prioritise my own work and targets so that I do them before his, but he isn't really happy about it and it is affecting our relationship both at work and at home

Pocketsaviour I don't think I'd mind that but he wouldn't be up for it. He does still properly love me. I don't think he'd want anyone else.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this

What? You do his work first and then your own? Why would you do that?!

So your job role is PA but you really do his work? How did that happen? How did you allow that to happen?

I really don't see why you should feel guilty. You started off by posting that you no longer want sex with your husband but, as the thread has gone on, it's increasingly clear that that's just a symptom of much bigger issues at home and at work.

You do most of the work for little recognition.
You feel suffocated by a man who doesn't want you out of his sight.

Why should you feel guilty for feeling unhappy in that situation?

What are your needs, at home and at work, and how can you get them met? I suspect your husband isn't going to be able to help you.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. No, I'm not his PA I am a director, but effectively in addition to my own role I operate as his PA. I do all the admin/analysis associated with his role, but also produce most of the high level work that his role requires

I feel guilty because really I knew what signing up for. This is a dynamic that was established very early in our relationship when he was stressed and I basically spent my entire summer holiday writing his reports for him to hand in when we got back to ease the pressure on him.

I thought I'd be ok with it as we were working towards a common goal. But now I'm not. I know I've moved the goal posts but I have no idea how to get back.

Are you aware of what is causing you to not like the smell of him, if its the wrong aftershave, or something that can be solved. If you want to stay with your family, I think its a very good start that you still like him.

If he isn't brushing his teeth/visiting dentist often enough, make him go, its worth it for your family.

In terms of you doing 80% of the donkey work, is your business successful enough, for you to hire someone, if no, then you must be stronger, and ask him to take over a piece at a time, until you feel a fairer split has been reached.

How would you feel if you did leave him, and you saw him walking down the street with someone else?

Are you physically comfortable when you have sex? This is important, because if you are not comfortable with the actual sex, then that is a barrier to enjoyment in itself.

Time to change the dynamic, then.

You need to be business-like about the business. He does the meetings (oh so hard...) and you do all the prep? How does he answer any questions that come up?

He doesn't smell bad, no hygiene issues or anything. It's more that he doesn't smell or feel attractive to me anymore.

Over the last few months I've been trying to withdraw a bit at work and work from a different office a day or two a week and focus on putting my own job first, but the result is that things don't get done at all unless I relent and do them at the last minute. Plus he has said he needs me back in the office working more closely with him. Which basically equates to doing his job

That's what I was worried about, you are actually starting to go off him, I think you need to give him a chance to improve the situation, if you hope to save your marriage, which he can only do, if you lay it on the line, that your feelings are changing for real, because of building resentment.

I am really shocked that he's managed to get by at work since he's so incompetent. Do you actually say, "Do you want me to do that for you?" or do you both pretend he's the one doing it?

So you are with him almost all the time, you are responsible for everything at work and you are responsible for everything at home. I can see why you don't find him attractive at the moment. Things will need to change if you are going to stay together.

Have you considered seeing a Gynae and having your hormone levels checked? And this is purely rhetorical, but do you feel any sexual desire at all, even a desire to masturbate?

When I entered peri-menopause my sexual desire absolutely flatlined and I had the same thing with my husband's smell and advances. It was hormonal.

Rule out anything physical before you focus on emotional causes.

Good advice, AcrossThePond, but really, think about what Prof says. The OP must feel like his mum.

he has said he needs me back in the office working more closely with him. Which basically equates to doing his job

No wonder he doesn't want you out of his sight.

What is stopping you staging a coup? Take control, get rid of the overhead and get someone in to help you?

No wonder you don't fancy him.

*He knows he can't do it and does appreciate the work I do. I have always done his job first and then mine, but I told myself it didn't matter as we were married so the benefit would be to both of us and the important thing was that the work got done.

But suddenly I find myself at 40 having effectively spent my whole career as his PA. not that there's anything wrong with being a PA, but it's not what my role is supposed to be. I prepare all his figures and reports and then he presents them at board meetings etc and I am beginning to resent it.*

you can't live like that. honestly. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. he is faking being competent at work and getting the credit for your work. You are doing all of his work and yours and then he gets the credit. I wouldn't want to have a cup of coffee with someone who let that continue still less have sex with him.

I don't know if your relationship is salvageable but I do think you cannot solve anything if the way you live and work continues without change.

You need to sit with him, tell him sex is off th table for the moment while you sort out some serious stuff in your marriage and then talk about the unfair work allocation and the unfair position you find yourself in - not getting credit for your work.

and if doesn't matter in the least that you knew what you were signing up for. You didn't know how it would affect you and you didn't now it would be going on for years. Anyway, changing your mind about what you can put up with is just fine.

Is your husband senior to you at work? Is he the MD? Please tell us he's not.

Would you do this for any other member of staff? Would you do their work first? You really need to read what you're writing here - it's really shocking that you're doing this.

He doesn't really like us to do anything separately, we drive in to work together, go for lunch together, work together during the day, drive home together and spend the evening on the sofa together. I do go away for work meetings without him sometimes during the day and occasionally overnight, which he doesn't really like and complains about. He doesn't even like to go to the super market on his own and much prefers us to go 'as a family'.

this coupled with the fact that he is incapable of doing his work but is ok with letting your fake it for him makes me think he is really not coping himself - this does not sound like a fully functional adult frankly. he is way too dependent on you and it is crippling you. no wonder you find the intimacy of sex too much on top of everything else.

It's the imposter syndrome, but he really is an imposter!

I think he doesn't like you going away for work because he's panicking in case he can't deal with something at work. No idea what the supermarket thing's about. I've never understood why it's a family day out.

can your business employ someone to do the pa stuff for him that you've been doing?

in order to get him to face up to all the issues, do you think it would work if you sat him down and said he has two choices, either work with you to sort out the business and the relationship or he can explain to the board after you've told them everything. Some people need a shock to get their arse in gear. Make it clear sorting out your relationship means finding a way to be amicable rather than rekindling.

imperial you are right about his job. That's one of the things that makes it so difficult because it's not as if we can hire someone in to cover it

"but the problem is that, at work at least, he just can't do it"

Why cant he do it? He's certainly had long enough to have picked up some of what you've been doing. He should certainly be able to learn the basic "You add these numbers up, deduct the total of these other numbers..." even if he doesn't really understand why he needs to do that. Even if you have to write a big page full of detailed instructions.

He needs to start being your PA if you're the competent one, even if its then him that presents it. On another note, why is it him that's presenting it....?

It sounds like youve become his liferaft, where he cant let you out of his sight for a second in case disaster occurs, and no-one can live like that. What if you got run over and had 2 weeks in a coma in hospital? What would he do? He needs to be able to cope with life and the business to at least a basic degree without you.

I think you are right stormtreader, but I have always been his life raft and I'm not sure it is a dynamic that can be changed without breaking our relationship.

Feeling really miserable today. I am ill but have had to come in to work anyway. I don't want to do this anymore but I don't feel I have a choice

Oh hope I'm sorry you're in this predicament. It's easy to say of course that you have choices but you are obviously in a delicate position with regard to your DH's feelings so I quite understand your fears about which way to move.

So what I was wondering is, I realise you can't hire in another director, but could you hire an actual PA, or rather let's call it a research assistant? S/he would report to you, do all the nitty-gritty prep work and at least take the hours (and to be frank, the shittier end of things) away from you, even if you'd obviously have to still give the headspace to what needs to be done. Because the report is to you rather than DH his weakness would still be shielded - you could argue that the customer facing aspects of your role and your need to travel means that you need the 'back office' support as the business develops.

And on a personal day-to-day level, s/he would also act as a sort of '3rd wheel' in your working relationship with your DH, which could give you a bit more breathing space in that respect, which might then give you a bit of strength to deal with the home situation.

Could you bring up someone from within the company, who understands the operation, someone who is looking for an opportunity to advance a bit? Don't want to exploit anyone, but giving an existing employee a bump up is a lot more cost effective than hiring from scratch - and their being familiar with how your company works means they would be effective from day one.

I realise this still leaves you with the emotional side of the relationship to deal with, but I just thought it might be a place to start.