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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help with a message please - dont want to be a stalker...again

94 replies

cha59 · 10/03/2016 09:20

NC
I saw a guy last year for quite a few dates I have known him years. I had come out of a very very long marriage at the beginning of the year so was unused to dating. Basically I scared him off as I was too full on. I havent spoken to him for months but he is still always on my mind despite dating other men. I would like to send a text along the lines of how are you etc but dont want to terrify him. I just want to see if there is any hope. In my dreams will exchange a few texts and he will invite me for a drink so I feel I need to try.
Can anyone help how to word it? I dont know whether to say something like
Hi ( dont panic I am not stalking you lol ) just was wondering how you are?
Bear in mind we have known each other a long time
Any help would be great thanks

OP posts:
Toomuchinfo1 · 10/03/2016 13:00

No harm done though. . . just wait and see what else he says.

cha59 · 10/03/2016 13:09

Thanks Toomuch.

I will reply to his last text a bit later and then finish the conversation so the ball is in his court.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/03/2016 13:23

I think purposefully leaving him hanging for a few hours is game playing. Either text him back and get into a conversation, or just leave it entirely.

Leaving it a few hours just to make him think you're not that interested is silly.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 10/03/2016 13:33

The thing is, now you've started this, you have to get to the point with it, otherwise it's going to look weird again if you just text to say hi, how are you? and then... nada. I know you said you hoped you'd exchange a few texts then he'd ask you out, but realistically that's not going to happen (he'd have been in touch before now to do exactly that, if it was the case) so if a date's what you want, I think you're going to have to gird your loins and suggest it. And if he says, no, draw a line and move on.

cha59 · 10/03/2016 13:44

Do you think I should do that Fatherpee. I think it could backfire and make him run a mile?

OP posts:
RudeElf · 10/03/2016 13:48

Oh cringe.

cha59 · 10/03/2016 13:50

Ok RudeElf I wont, I wasnt comfortable with it to be honest what I have already done feels like enough

OP posts:
Toomuchinfo1 · 10/03/2016 13:51

hmmmm, yeh, maybe fatherpee is right. you got back in touch because you are wanting to see him again, maybe just ask him outright. no game playing, straight to the point.

then you will know once and for all. if you keep it to small talk then you are going to analyse every single word for hidden clues as to how he feels. but if he texts back saying 'no thanks' then you know for sure.

OR . . .now here's an idea . . .sounds crazy . . .but maybe call him?! good old fashioned conversation?! xxx

Tryingtobenicexxx · 10/03/2016 13:52

What was the point in texting him then?

cha59 · 10/03/2016 14:07

I can see both sides not an easy decision. The texting is giving me hope and that may turn out to be false so at least it will be a conclusion one way or the other.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 10/03/2016 14:08

I think what you really want is to see if he is willing to meet you and see if there is any hope. You may achieve more by being direct and I agree with PP doing this by speaking to him rather than texting may give you a better idea (and also you won't have texts to pour over going "but what did he meeeeeeaaaaaaaaan?"). Eg. if his answer is "I'm sorry, I've just got engaged/I'm not interested/am currently dating Elle McPherson" it's better he says that to you and is forgotten than you have a text to torture yourself with.

Separately, read this - it's written by a man. I've posted this before and someone said the guy that writes this site is a misogynist - doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of truth in this post though!

www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/08/dealing-with-breakup-or-rejection.html

I can’t count the number of girls I have decided to stop contacting after dating once or twice, or sleeping with, or even just talking to on the phone, who decide it would be worthwhile to call or text me a week or two later, apparently under the false impression or hope that I had simply forgotten to get back in touch with them - that I merely needed a reminder.

In one case I slept with a girl and even hung out with her a few times before I decided I didn’t want to continue seeing her. So I stopped calling her. Within a few weeks I got a text: “Headed to pacific beach, Wanna join?” I didn’t want to join, so I ignored the text. The next day, I got this: “I’m in your neck of the woods J.” Again, I read and acknowledged it (with a heavy dose of apathy), but did not respond. Then, again, over a month later: “Driving through your neighborhood and thought of you. Hope you are doing well J.” What was this girl hoping to accomplish? Did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest?

Although I acknowledge the remote possibility that girls might just be fishing for sex in these situations, the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it. It will be the subject of another post. In any case, in this situation and others, I know from the circumstances that the girl wanted more than sex. So back to the original question: did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest? Even if I did have some lingering interest in talking to her, it is hugely indicative of my overriding disinterest in a girl that I would actually forget to contact her for an extended period of time.

Any girl with an ounce of pride would not submit to this kind of treatment by soliciting further interaction. If a man decides to break up with a girl, or that it isn’t worth his time to get back in touch after a date or exchange of numbers, that is his decision. He needs to live with that, however easy or difficult the decision was for him to make. As a woman, you need to make him live with that. Men should be given one chance, and one chance only. Trust me: if we are really interested in you, or are at least physically attracted to you, we will take the opportunity you provide. The act of attempting to reconnect after you’ve been dumped or rejected or ignored only comes across as needy and insecure, two of the least attractive qualities.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 10/03/2016 14:13

Well, yes, it could backfire and make him run a mile but how do you see this playing out otherwise? What do you want?!

A normal, non-stalking person would just text breezily, with no reference to previous awfulness, and say, Hey, Stanley, it's been ages, how've you been, do you fancy a catch-up over a drink one night next week? If he liked you, he'll give you a second chance to see if you're over what you were in the middle of - everyone's dated someone who wasn't ready, it's not a crime, we've all been there.

However, a series of stilted 'How are you?' 'I'm great thanks?' 'How are the kids?' 'They're great, thanks' type texts doesn't give either of you much to work with, in terms of glittering flirty conversation, and only prolongs the agony for both of you - he knows exactly why you're texting. No one texts people at random to find out how their kids are. If you don't get to the point, it'll just fizzle out into awkwardness and you're back to square one, or even square minus one, because it'll feel so unsatisfactory and embarrassing.

Look, even if he texts back and says, 'sorry but the restraining order still stands' then at least you'll be pissed off enough to draw a proper line under things and move on.

DarrenHardysDrongo · 10/03/2016 14:14

Not sure if it's been mentioned and I've missed it, but do you know he's definitely single?

You've told us in your OP what you want to happen "In my dreams will exchange a few texts and he will invite me for a drink ". So basically now you're hanging on between texts (and playing games, IMO) hoping that he'll suggest getting together. You're the one who contacted him because you want to see him again, so I really think you should be direct with him.

You said you scared him off by being too full on. What exactly happened? Did he tell you he didn't want to see you any longer or did he just ghost you?

DarrenHardysDrongo · 10/03/2016 14:16

x post with peewee who said it much better than I did!

And to add to the list of excuses/delaying tactics that Cheers has mentioned, if he tells you he'd like to meet up but he's busy at work at the moment, that's a 'no thanks'.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 10/03/2016 14:17

cha59 What has he said in his latest text, has he given you an opener to respond to or was it a flat response designed to end the conversation

cha59 · 10/03/2016 14:17

Thanks for taking the trouble to send that Cheers I will take it all on board. I was a lot different in the way I was with men before I got married but I was married for so long I have lost my way a bit with it all

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 10/03/2016 14:18

Yes to Peewee's: -

A normal, non-stalking person would just text breezily, with no reference to previous awfulness, and say, Hey, Stanley, it's been ages, how've you been, do you fancy a catch-up over a drink one night next week?

cha59 · 10/03/2016 14:22

Fatherpee the restraining order really made me laugh. Wise words though thanks

Darren I am not sure if he is still single and he ghosted me last time

Baroness He said it was good to hear and his kids are ok

OP posts:
fatherpeeweestairmaster · 10/03/2016 14:22

cha59 bear in mind also that while a lot of that quote from a male perspective is probably true, the writer is also a total knob for not having the common courtesy to respond to that woman's text with a polite, thanks but no thanks. Letting her carry on trying to make contact, and then sneering at her 'neediness and insecurity' is, if you ask me, just as needy and insecure.

Be brave. You're obviously not a teenager, so deal with this with all the confidence that you'd bring to a work phone call. He might be nice but he's not the only fish in the sea: there are plenty, plenty more out there if you let this one swim off.

molyholy · 10/03/2016 14:25

Agree with father - that writer sounds like an absolute knob.

cha59 · 10/03/2016 14:25

Yes he does come across as a knob in that quote for not just telling her

If he replies again I will be brave and just ask him.

OP posts:
DarrenHardysDrongo · 10/03/2016 14:27

Cha him ghosting you isnt a good sign, IMO. I'm sorry to read that's what he did. Let's say he agrees to meet up this time, wouldn't you worry that he'll just do that again?

Unless he's extremely dense, he already knows why you've contacted him like this out of the blue.

CheersMedea · 10/03/2016 14:28

the writer is also a total knob for not having the common courtesy to respond to that woman's text with a polite, thanks but no thanks.

Agree but bear in mind that plenty of knobs men do this (like ghosting) with the vague unformed thought of not saying a definite "no thanks" leaves it open to re-tread the previous sexual path. And legions and legions of limerent posters here will tell you that unformed thought often bears fruit when the said knob man falls on a dry spell and thinks "now is the time to look up that woman who was SO keen on me".

molyholy · 10/03/2016 14:28

Yes - none of this fannying about. Just say do you fancy a catch up one evening? You will have your answer. You said it's pretty hard to bump into him. If he ignores you or say no thanks, there's your answer. It might make you cring for a bit, but at least it will put you out of your misery and you wont have to see him everywhere you go. FWIW, I would never have messaged him in the first place.

DarrenHardysDrongo · 10/03/2016 14:29

What do you mean if he replies again? I thought he'd replied and you were hanging on before texting him back?