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Original poster

Should I say anything?

64 replies

Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 11:36

My sister is very successful, intelligent, attractive, has her own house and has a full life but has not been lucky with relationships - she has never had a serious partner and she is 35.

Recently she has got a boyfriend who is a plumber, has no assets and has a 6 year old son who lives with him half the time. They met at the gym so they do have something in common.

Now she says he is planning to move into her house - he is going to pay just half the bills. I've met him and he is attractive and charming but to me they seem completely unsuited - I think she could do far better. He is twice divorced but she doesn't really seem to know him, she's only met his son twice and I wonder if he is taking advantage of her naïveté. She says they talk about marrying and having a child.

I have wanted to see her settled down for a long time but worry she is making a mistake - should I say anything to her or just let things unfold? Am I being overly concerned or would this ring alarms for anyone? I don't know any couples who are opposites and I married my first boyfriend from university so perhaps I'm being unfair/ overly judgemental? Incidentally she is not telling our parents about him moving in so I can't discuss it with them.

OP posts:
NewNameNotTheSame · 09/03/2016 11:38

It is absolutely none if your business. Leave her to live her life how she wants to, sounds like she has managed okay so far.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 11:38

I would tell her your misgivings just once and then acknowledge it is her life and her choice. After that, wish her well.

Has she said why she doesn't want to tell your parents he is moving in ? Although if I were her, I would be pissed off if you discussed it with them and not me.

TheNaze73 · 09/03/2016 11:40

I think fair play to her. Why is it an issue that he's only paying half the bills? Opposites do attract & I think you should be happy for her. She sounds intelligent enough to have weighed up the pros & cons here

QforCucumber · 09/03/2016 11:44

I don't understand why you make a point of her being 'successful' and him being 'a plumber' why does this matter?
You say she can do so much better than him, but do you actually know him to have made that opinion or are you basing it on your descriptions of the 2 of them? Him being a single dad with a manual job and her being attractive, successful and intelligent?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 11:44

I know some very wadded plumbers, op

AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 11:46

Perhaps your sister is savvy enough not to make him pay rent/contribute to the mortgage in cases it doesn't work out. Thus ensuring he has no claim on her property. Ask her.

SymphonyofShadows · 09/03/2016 11:48

Me too AF

If he's paying half the bills then surely she is being sensible by not getting him involved in any mortgage etc?

SymphonyofShadows · 09/03/2016 11:48

Cross post, gah!

Bananalanacake · 09/03/2016 12:08

How long have they been together do you know. I laugh at how quickly some people move in together, too much too soon and it doesn't work out, (but I'm sure it does for some) can't they just see each other, have a relationship, then talk about moving in after a few years when they are really sure about it.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 12:13

My point about her being successful and him being a plumber is that whilst she earns £60k he earns about £25k - in my opinion that could cause problems. She is also taking on his child for half the week which I think is a big thing but she doesn't. With the house, our parents paid a lot towards it and the mortgage is still quite high - he couldn't afford to pay half anyway but if they did get married he would own half of it right? If my sister has a child she would have to go back to work as he couldn't financially support her to stay at home,if she was with someone more her equal then these problems wouldn't be there. It seems to be moving quite fast and she is inexperienced with relationships - I don't want her to get hurt or think I should have said something at least.

OP posts:
Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 12:15

I imagine if he hasn't got much money it's because he's twice divorced, not because he's a plumber. They usually earn very well especially if they run their own business.

It sounds like you are worried that she:

a) is 'settling' out of a sense of panic over her biological clock.

b) risks being ripped off financially by someone who is bringing much less to the table than she is.

But you know, they might be terribly, terribly happy for the next forty years. He might be a lovely guy who has just been unlucky in love so far, like her.

In the end voicing your concerns will probably not be received well, she's a big girl with a head on her shoulders and i'm sure she knows what she is going. Wish her well and hope for the best.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 12:15

They have been together for a few months although she only sees him about twice a week. He is living in rented accommodation in a not nice area - call me cynical but it all seems rosy for him but not so much for her

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 09/03/2016 12:18

YANBU OP.

He seems a bit too eager to avail himself of her home, childcare etc. He should be focusing on his very young child, not hopping into yet another live-in relationship. That is a huge red flag re his character.

Wonder if he'd be quite so interested if she were a penniless low-earner.

I'd have a word with her.

QforCucumber · 09/03/2016 12:19

Ah - so rather than getting to know him amd actually finding out he may be perfect for your sister you're basing their future on what they earn.
If this was your sister who earned 25k and she had met a man who earned 60k would you be telling her not to be with him as he earned more than her?
Her having to go back to work after a child is a none issue - lots of people do, and not only for the monetary purposes.
The only thing out of your objections I agree with are her taking on his child if they've not been together very long as that isn't fair on the child, and your worry about her getting hurt - as everyone does about their siblings and new relationships.

firesidechat · 09/03/2016 12:20

My husband earns £100,000 plus. I earn nothing at the moment and have never had anything like his earning power. Somehow we survive.

In fact your op is so full of button pushing that I wondering why you posted.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 12:20

He owned a property with his first wife which they sold and had a few grand out of, his second wife had her own house and she bought him out. He has two old vehicles and a few grand in the bank and he's 41!
Yes I worry but get your point that saying anything won't be received well

OP posts:
firesidechat · 09/03/2016 12:21

How recent is recent then?

There are far more important issues than him being a mere plumber. I always thought a plumber might be a bit of a catch.

LeaLeander · 09/03/2016 12:23

He sounds like someone with a long string of bad decisions behind him.

She is too young to be jumping in out of desperation. Good luck helping her see that, though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/03/2016 12:26

She's 35 not 18. I am sympathetic but unless she asks for your opinion, then your role is to be on the sidelines. I don't see how you can do much apart from be there for her if things go pear-shaped.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 12:27

Yes it may be sexist but I do think the woman earning much more than the man causes problems than the other way around. And yes I think the speed of them moving in doesn't feel right - very convenient for him as you say
She is in medicine and she has lots of well educated friends. He left school at 16 just seems to me that they don't have much in common. He doesn't seem to have many friends either - just goes to the gym and does sporty events. He seems very reliant on her in a lot of ways

OP posts:
firesidechat · 09/03/2016 12:31

Presumably he left school at 16 and trained to be a plumber - a very decent trade.

You haven't said how long they have been together.

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 12:40

I would be Hmm if my sister was planning to live with a child she'd met twice. I'd chat to her about that. About some sleepovers, then a see how it goes period before he gives up his rented place.

But the salaries? Current and last boyfriend and I have had a broadly similar differential. Been no issue at all. I'm in a posher job too. One was a plumber Grin Don't be such a snob about his money!

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 12:43

Woah!

So I earn £100k and my DP earns £10k. I pay all of the bills and rent. DP moved in after six months and we are now trying for our first child (after a year or so).

I say this as clearly my situation is similar to your sisters but even more pronounced.

Your sister is an intelligent and professional woman, do you have reasons to believe she can't make correct decisions for herself?

Personally I realised that while I 'need' many things from a man (loyalty, kindness, affection, honesty, etc) money was the one thing I didn't need. I already have enough money so why does it matter if my partner does or doesn't earn a lot?

No-one would bat an eyelid if I was a male senior manager in the City with a female partner in a relatively low income role or even no income role. Why is that?

If you don't have any specific reason to have concerns about him...you haven't said that you have any reason to believe he's abusive or disloyal then what is the problem you're trying to address?

Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 12:45

you are right stumbly no-one would bat an eyelid.

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 12:46

Argh. The more I read, the more my blood pressure is rising...

It is not unusual to move in together after six months.

Perhaps he moved in because they love each other very much and he wanted to cement his commitment to her and they wanted to see each other a lot and wake up together?

This is normal!