Should I say anything?

[Yummymummy30s]

My sister is very successful, intelligent, attractive, has her own house and has a full life but has not been lucky with relationships - she has never had a serious partner and she is 35.

Recently she has got a boyfriend who is a plumber, has no assets and has a 6 year old son who lives with him half the time. They met at the gym so they do have something in common.

Now she says he is planning to move into her house - he is going to pay just half the bills. I've met him and he is attractive and charming but to me they seem completely unsuited - I think she could do far better. He is twice divorced but she doesn't really seem to know him, she's only met his son twice and I wonder if he is taking advantage of her naïveté. She says they talk about marrying and having a child.

I have wanted to see her settled down for a long time but worry she is making a mistake - should I say anything to her or just let things unfold? Am I being overly concerned or would this ring alarms for anyone? I don't know any couples who are opposites and I married my first boyfriend from university so perhaps I'm being unfair/ overly judgemental? Incidentally she is not telling our parents about him moving in so I can't discuss it with them.

Having been divorced twice, statistically-speaking, does not bode well for future marriages. That would concern me. It may say something about his ability to assess the suitable-ness of partners, for one.

However, there is a strong intellectual and problem-solving component to trades like plumbing. There is a wonderful book about this called : Shop Class as Soulcraft, by Crawford.

Finally, a brief anecdote: I have a physician friend who is married to a plumber. They have a beautiful marriage.

suitable-ness should be suitability

I dated a plumber! And that problem solving thing is so true. He actually was working at mine when I met him, and I loved how we would chat about potential solutions - let by him, despite my 3x salary.

He can't be a very good plumber because all the tradesman I know earn a chuffing fortune!

Misses point.

So basically this man has a steady job and is a decent, caring Dad because (unlike very many you read about on MN) looks after his child for 50% of the time ? Most people would certainly consider a man who takes his responsibility towards caring for his child seriously as a catch ! My ex was public school educated and thought he was above working, he presently works in a call centre for minimum wage as his entitled attitude means he can't keep a job, my brother is a HGV driver, left school at 15 with no qualifications and earnt over £70,000 last year ! Being a decent human being and earning a high wage are NOT the same thing. Leave your sister to make her own choices.

I would be suspicious too...mainly because I wouldn't trust his judgement and motivations moving his child into a home with someone he has only met twice. That isn't fair on the child should something go wrong.

I understand you seem fearful for your sister but she truly is old enough to make mistakes..I'm sure if it's an awful mistake she's cry on your shoulder, pick herself up and carry on with life.

She may need to live with someone so that she learns about herself and what she wants.It could be be isn't Mr Right but if she's smart she'll figure it out for herself.

Twice married and not knowing the child concerns me.I think if he shows awareness of why his marriages ended and takes responsibility for his part that's fair enough.

As a stepmum I was very about how the child will cope, especially if daddy has lots of partners.

She will get to know him if he moves in so if he's a player she's learn quick enough.

A man who makes it to age 41 with no assets and (relative to what is possible in his trade) a low-end salary is not much of a catch. He's bringing only liabilities, borne of a lifetime of poor decision-making, to this relationship - the child, his relationship baggage, his low earning power.

Maybe it's a physical thing and if she wants to "keep" a gigolo after years of being alone that is her lookout. But I would be hard pressed to see him as a true "partner."

What's the rush for moving in together? Other than "so he can have lower expenses" of course. Pretty good deal for him.

The fact he is eager to rush to move his child into a stranger's home and that he can't even take a decent interval to regroup and assess his life's direction and how he will raise his child, after getting out of a bad relationship, does not speak well for his character and judgment. Maybe if you put it to her that for the child's sake, living together isn't wise, she would listen.

I do think you have to consider your sister's age too....does she want her own children?

We've moved relatively fast as I'm 34 this year and we want children. We can't afford to wait around to move in together for two years!

However moving quickly doesn't always equal 'mistake' if you are sensible people.

....and talking of a child as 'baggage' is quite a poor show IMO.

The thing is, for all we know his 2 marriages are the only long term relationships he's ever had and he married those women. He may have been with each one for 10 years or more.
Would you approve of his divorces if his salart was 60k?

I'm trying to understand why any of this is your business.

I can tell you that were I your sister and you told me what you have said here, mind your own damn business would be the very least of my reply. Your sister is 35 and obviously not stupid, why should you treat her as such?

I confess my response comes from having a know-it-all sister just like you. We now only speak once a year.

It's belittling and you should keep your nose out of your sister's decisions.

The chances of your sister listening to you are about zero anyway, if my own children are anything to go by. Keep out of it.

I was 35 when I met DH. He was living in really crappy shared accommodation, had a 7 year old son back in his home country, was working as a labourer earning a pittance. I am a lawyer, own my own home and earned more than three times his salary. He moved in with me after about 6 months.

If my family and friends had been as judgemental as you OP then... well, fuck it, I would have stayed with him anyway because I loved him. Still do, obviously, which is why 9 years later we are married and happy. We still don't have a huge amount in common except for a love of music, but it doesn't matter because we rock each other's worlds. Life isn't perfect all of the time, but that has nothing to do with his earnings/ status/ whatever.

Luckily my family and friends took the time to get to know him, learned to love and respect him for the hard working, genuine person that he is and they understood that as an adult, independent women I could make my own decisions.

The only valid concern for me would be the child, but even that can be dealt with as long as all parties - including the child's Mother - are happy with the situation.

She may be your sister, but it is absolutely none of your business.