Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything?

64 replies

Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 11:36

My sister is very successful, intelligent, attractive, has her own house and has a full life but has not been lucky with relationships - she has never had a serious partner and she is 35.

Recently she has got a boyfriend who is a plumber, has no assets and has a 6 year old son who lives with him half the time. They met at the gym so they do have something in common.

Now she says he is planning to move into her house - he is going to pay just half the bills. I've met him and he is attractive and charming but to me they seem completely unsuited - I think she could do far better. He is twice divorced but she doesn't really seem to know him, she's only met his son twice and I wonder if he is taking advantage of her naïveté. She says they talk about marrying and having a child.

I have wanted to see her settled down for a long time but worry she is making a mistake - should I say anything to her or just let things unfold? Am I being overly concerned or would this ring alarms for anyone? I don't know any couples who are opposites and I married my first boyfriend from university so perhaps I'm being unfair/ overly judgemental? Incidentally she is not telling our parents about him moving in so I can't discuss it with them.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 09/03/2016 12:49

If, if, if???

It's her life, let her live it. Focus your energy on something else

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 12:50

I think it would be wise to focus on 'judging' him on his character and whether he makes your sister happy and content and not on his salary or his education level which is very shallow.

QforCucumber · 09/03/2016 12:57

I actually kind of feel for him from your last post - all about her educated friends etc, from the way you describe the poor bloke is being looked down upon from great heights purely based on his chosen occupation. What a sad state of affairs.
I still agree that the child is an issue and shouldn't be rused because of him, your posts make it seem like it's all the man who wants the moving in together, marriage etc though. Are you sure it's not your sister instigating these moves?
I couldn't care if my dp earned 100k or 10k - it's not about that, and luckily my family and friends aren't all about someone's earning potential either.

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:00

With regards to him paying "just half the bills".

The house is hers and will remain hers as they're not married, so I don't see why he should be paying for that.

And there's actually a case to argue that it's unfair that he pays half the bills - that it's too much. Plenty of women on here get told it should be proportionate to income, or proportionate to allow equal free spends.

One thing I will say in OP's defence... Some people are users, and having a difference in finances is one situation a user might go for. So it's not a totally baseless fear, in general terms.

I object more to the OP's abject horror that a woman should be with a lower earning male.

Hello 1950? (and sadly more decades since) we found your OP!

mum2mum99 · 09/03/2016 13:01

maybe she has some pipework issues...

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 13:04

Wow I didn't think I was being judgemental about the money!
My concern was that their income and jobs are too different - compatibility is more often based on being similar whether it's similar interests, income, class, whatever.
Also my concerns are not just about the money difference

  1. he has a child who lives with him half the time who will now live with her when she's met said child twice
  2. it is quick for them to be moving in given the above fact
  3. he's been divorced twice already
  4. she doesn't seem to know him or his child she just seems to have got carried away
  5. she may be 35 but she's only had one other long term boyfriend and they didn't live together - he's a lot more experienced than her
OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 09/03/2016 13:07

You say his moving in and paying just half the bills? What is wrong with this? Me and my husband pay half the bills each.
You say his been divorced twice? What has that got to do with anything? I'm not saying I'd ever want to get divorced but 2016 and a lot of people do, all that proves is his never met the right person. You don't know why the marriages ended his wife could of been cheating or anything.

Going on what you've wrote on here I wouldn't say anything as nothing you've said makes me thing he's no good.
You do sound like you are judging him

Your sister is a big girl and needs to make her own choices.

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:08

Am I the only one who wants to know how much more YummyMummy30s's husband earns than she does? ShockGrin

And would lay a tenner down that he does in fact earn more because it's just the kind of assumption I make for people who define themselves as a "yummy mummy".

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 13:08

Being divorced twice doesn't make you a bad person. Two of the nicest men I know have had two divorces and just made the unfortunate mistake of choosing women who were not good for them, cheated and were emotionally abusive.

Why do you think she doesn't know him very well?

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:10

Class?!!!! Grin
You're good for some entertainment at least.

Your sister is just 'in medicine' love, she's not a fucking countess!

He's a skilled tradesman.

Not seeing the class disconnect here.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 13:12

My point about him paying just half the bills is that him moving in with her will cost him a lot less than renting his own place. plus he gets to live in a nicer bigger house in a nicer area, with possibly childcare on tap and probably his washing done. He doesn't seem to be bringing much to the table. Apart from maybe doing her plumbing for free but it is a newish house so don't think it will need it!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:13

How would feel if a lower class plumber posted about your sister "I'm not sure if our relationship can last because I've always worked for what I've got and paid my way, whereas for her, mummy and daddy put down a big chunk on her house... I don't know - can a salt of the earth working class chap make it work with a spoilt little middle class girl?"

(feel free to add your own pointless stereotypes)

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 13:14

Wow are relationships to be reduced to economical transactions?

Perhaps what he is 'bringing to the table' is loyalty, love, affection, companionship?

Doesn't that count for anything???

Silly me...I thought relationships were about those things but seems I'm wrong and I should actually judge potential partners on income and what they can do for me?

QforCucumber · 09/03/2016 13:15
  1. he has a child who lives with him half the time who will now live with her when she's met said child twice this I agree with
  2. it is quick for them to be moving in given the above fact are they just discussing moving in or actually looking to do it immediately?
  3. he's been divorced twice already at least he's not still married and stringing your sister along in an affair - fail to see the issue here
  4. she doesn't seem to know him or his child she just seems to have got carried away people do in new relationships, you don't know him either and are getting cried away with your opinions of him
  5. she may be 35 but she's only had one other long term boyfriend and they didn't live together - he's a lot more experienced than her again, fail to see the issue, this is not his fault, shes unlikely to meet someone with the exact same life experiences as her

Their jobs are too different? Friend of mine is a GP and her husband is a steel manufacturer - they've been together 18 years. Why do their job roles or salary have to be similar to make them compatible? Is your job title or salary similar to that of your husband?

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:16

So, he should pay MORE than half, MORE than she does when his pay is less than HALF of hers, just because it's cheaper than his current place?

So she should make money out of him? Confused

How bizarre.

And your belief that she'll do the childcare and wash his pants for him sounds like you're well and truly stuck in the stereotype of man earns woman cleans.

Is that what happens in your marriage?

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 13:16

Hmm I think most people don't share my concerns then!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:19

Here's something to give you the heebiejeebies over, OP...

Maybe he'll move in. They'll marry, have a child together. He'll be a SAHD. Her career will go from strength to strength not having to worry about turning down opportunities because of childcare. He'll wash her knickers and she'll always come off shift to a meal waiting. She'll pull her wait on her days off of course. They'll be happy. They'll use her earnings (Shock) for family gym membership and work out together whilst the kids are in the crèche.

You do know that LOADS of women earn more than their partners?

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 13:21

He is giving his months notice next week which means if I do say something will need to say it soon - not much point after the event. I would just ask her to give it more time and spend more time with child first before moving in - maybe he rushed things with ex wives which is why they are now divorced. She's never met his family or work colleagues and only a couple of gym friends. She's only been to his house once. They see each other 2 times a week on dates. She can't know him that well!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:22

And on jobs being too different - other than teacher friends who seem to pair off at an alarming rate, j don't think I know any couples that do the job!

Out of interesting, your higher earning husband... does he do the same job as you? Thought not.

stumblymonkey · 09/03/2016 13:25

To me it sounds like:

Boy meets girl, they click and fall in love. Boy is over the moon as he has always wanted a long term relationship and feels very sad that the past two did not work out but is hopeful that this one will.

Boy has a child from a previous relationship, he knows that he doesn't want to introduce the child to a string of dates and so doesn't introduce the child to the girl until it's very obviously serious, he's been burned in the past after all.

Everything goes swimmingly, the boy and girl love each other a great deal and can't wait to wake up with each other. He's been burned in the past and she has searched for the right person but never met him...until now.

They have different jobs but they don't spend too much time talking about work (who does?) and both are happy to meet someone outside of their own area as it helps them take their mind off work. They share a love of sports and keeping fit, they enjoy the same movies and always feel comfortable with each other like they never have before with anyone else.

Boy and girl discuss moving in. Practically it makes the most sense for boy to move in with girl as she has a lovely house in a lovely area and he doesn't. Boy offers to pay for half of all bills even though he earns less than half what girl does, he doesn't want to be mistaken for a user after all.

Girl acknowledges that the boy's child is important to him which is why he has him for half the week and isn't just a weekend parent. Girl takes this on and doesn't make a fuss about it because it's important to the boy and she got into the relationship knowing about his child.

Then comes along the evil sister who says "But how can you love him? He's a plumber for gods sake! How can he converse with your friends when they spent three years at uni getting drunk and sleeping around and he didn't? Can he even talk in full sentences?"

donajimena · 09/03/2016 13:29

She won't listen to you.
Anyway why should he pay towards her mortgage when its HER asset. Yes he 'gets' a nicer house, nicer area but unless they get married it won't be his.
This reminds me of that thread where the man didn't feel contributing towards a mortgage of a house he didn't own was fair.

Original poster
Yummymummy30s · 09/03/2016 13:30

Lol she spent 5 years in uni

It's his first relationship since he split from ex wife in fact they were still married (separated) when it started he'd only just moved out

Apart from that who knows you may be right

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 09/03/2016 13:30

I've been with my dp for 5 years and he's never met my colleagues either - why oh why is work the be-all and end-all to you?

TheNaze73 · 09/03/2016 13:33
  1. he has a child who lives with him half the time who will now live with her when she's met said child twice with you there, that would alarm me
  2. it is quick for them to be moving in given the above fact Agree with you there as well. Can't put an exact timescale on it but, anything under two years, seems like a risk to me
  3. he's been divorced twice already and?? A female colleague of mine had been divorced twice & she's lovely. Just made mistakes, in her 20's
  4. she doesn't seem to know him or his child she just seems to have got carried away bit like point one but, what are you judging that on. You've told us how professional, sensible she is
  5. she may be 35 but she's only had one other long term boyfriend and they didn't live together - he's a lot more experienced than her there is only a 6 year age gap, everyone has different life experiences. If she has someone trying to put the kybosh on everything she does, she'll never gain any life experience

I think you need to cut the guy some slack & give him a chance

Cabrinha · 09/03/2016 13:34

So come on - please tell us how similar your and your husband's jobs are!
And if you earn the same!

You know that at 41 he probably would have more savings if he didn't have a child, and if mummy and daddy and paid for a chunk of a house for him?

Swipe left for the next trending thread