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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting shoved out of a friendship group by bloke who admitted to cheating. Annoying!

96 replies

nowyoucmo · 08/03/2016 18:24

I feel a bit weird about this so please don't have a go at me. I've not posted my own thread before and am a bit nervous!

About three years ago, my DH and I met up with a couple that we were friendly with - let's call them Paul and Sarah. I've always got on better with the Paul than with Sarah, I don't know why - similar senses of humour and from a similar area. Sarah and my DH have similar jobs, so rather than it being the boys talking and the girls talking it tended to be me and Paul gabbing and my DH talking to Sarah.

After a few drinks the Paul told me - blurted out - that he had kissed one of his friend's girlfriend and that Sarah didn't know about it. This was a few months ahead of their wedding. I was a bit Confused and didn't know what to say. But I said that as long as it hadn't gone any further, I didn't think he should necessarily tell Sarah unless he was madly in love with this other woman or intended to leave (this is the bit I'm worried you'll all tell me off about - but like I say, it was a shock and I was very on-the-spot). He said that he hugely regretted it and felt stupid and guilty etc. At the time, I felt quite sorry for him. And her, obviously.

Later on I told my DH - who thought he was really inappropriate telling me this - especially when Sarah was so close by. It also caused a weird conversation about what he/I would do if WE had kissed someone else. Which could have all been avoided if it wasn't for this bloody Paul and his generally inappropriate behaviour.

Anyway, we agreed we would just leave it as it wasn't our business and we weren't really close friends/hadn't known them very long. I ended up feeling really resentful that Paul had over shared and as though now I couldn't really look the woman in the face. I certainly didn't want to shit-stir by telling her. In hindsight, I wish I had encouraged her to tell her, and think - based on what comes next - that this is what happened.

The wedding was about six months later. We didn't/couldn't attend as we were on holiday. I was a bit relieved about that - booked .

This is the bit where I am stupid and out of order. But - I was really cross with this bloke - and really confused... Anyway, here we go.
So, there is another couple in the mix - who weren't there at the original event - let's call them Mark and Emma. I used to get on with Emma well, she was the kind of missing link between me and Sarah and when the six of us met up she made it much less awkward and conversation flowed better.

There was talk of getting together and Paul was really taking over and after this 'confession' was being very friendly and enthusiastic about meeting up/being friendly, probably out of embarrassment. I felt a distinct chill from Sarah and wondered if Paul had told her about this bloody kiss and as a result she was angry with me ??? because I knew about it? And had told Paul not to tell her?

Anyway he was being really pushy about meeting up and I snapped and told Emma what Paul had told me. I said that it had made me feel really uncomfortable and that we were generally trying to distance ourselves a bit. I'm not very good at confrontation - or lying - and just told the truth.
DH was annoyed with me saying I had pretty much done to Emma was Paul did to me - if that makes sense. Emma seemed quite shocked and didn't particularly comment on it. I did profusely apologise afterwards if I had made her feel uncomfortable and she had said that she understood why I would feel awkward.
It sounds selfish, but I did feel better.

Anyway - skip forward over a year and we've had a couple more meetings. We've felt a bit left out of conversation and I can only presume that Sarah knew about this kiss and perhaps had told Emma and now they think I'm some kind of shit-stirrer. Which I'm really not.
We ended up with Mark on our own at one point who was lovely and presumably knew what I had told Emma and didn't comment on it and neither did we.

About a month ago we saw that they had got together without us and while my DH is relieved that we are out of the loop, I feel like Paul has kind of sabotaged our friendship - we always had a good laugh. I also feel like Sarah is mad with me rather than with Paul! Although perhaps he told her that I had confessed something and has twisted it around??

I don't know.

It probably sounds really petty but it does hurt that all this crap got dumped on me and I feel like my only real crime was telling Emma. And I only did that because I was getting frustrated over Paul being a bit bossy about meeting up.

I want to call Paul on the phone and say that I'm mad with him but it will probably sound ridiculous after all this time. And even if he did say that Sarah knows about it now AND that I told Emma - what then? - we are hardly all going to sit around and laugh about it are we?

Me and DH do have friends but not necessarily couples that we socialise with together so this has made a bit of a dent in our social life. I know that probably sounds a bit pathetic! Again I've never had anything against Sarah - we just never particularly hit it off.

I feel a bit resentful looking at photos of them all laughing and joking when he's a weirdo who snogs his mate's girlfriend and then to top it all - gets drunk and tells people a few feet away from his fiance, and then shoves us/me out!

In the grand scheme of things I'm probably being over sensitive and was stupid to have repeated what I heard to anyone other than Sarah. But it's really pissing me off!

OP posts:
mrsjskelton · 09/03/2016 09:54

Couple friendships are usually more woman-centric so that fact that you and Sarah aren't close and you probably made things weird by telling Emma really shoves you out of the loop I'm afraid. I'd still bet that Sarah doesn't know about the kiss.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:56

Hi Mrs, Yep - I think that's true. And I know that I have played a huge part in that. I just wish he hadn't told me in the first place.

Never mind. It was just annoying me yesterday. Not 'obsessed' or anything. Smile

OP posts:
mrsjskelton · 09/03/2016 10:04

I'm exactly the same OP. I let things take over me like a hamster wheel in my head. Try your best to forget about it! Wine

Whathaveilost · 09/03/2016 10:06

What I meant by M and E 'making it perfectly clear' that they don't want you in the friendship group is that they haven't been in touch or asked you along for a night out. They haven't tagged you in in FB saying that you should all catch up soon or sent a text saying we are meeting up at my house, if you fancy it. Paul and Sarah are coming. So from that I can assume you and DH aren't wanted to hang round with them.

You can't do much about it and I appreciate it is upsetting. One thing I wouldn't do is go back to them now if they asked.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 10:29

Thank you - I feel so much better after getting it off my chest - and it's been good to list (although it may look a bit bitchy from the outside) the things I didn't/don't enjoy about the friendship with P&S.

OP posts:
thelittleredhen · 09/03/2016 10:34

I think that he kissed Emma and that it's a swingers group. Looks like you've dodged a bullet there Grin

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 10:35

Hi what. No - definitely wouldn't go back. No way! We are planning a party this Summer, that we had previously discussed with them, and we are thinking of just leaving them out of it. If it looks petty to them that we don't invite them - I don't really mind at this point. Life's too short, eh? Smile.

We haven't tagged or invited any of them either, I should add.

From what DH saw on FB - he was laughing about it - was Paul very much saying "we are coming to [town where M&E live] and we will come and see you and let's go for a meal and the kids and play and blah, blah". Very pushy and telling rather than asking. It's hard to explain - but he's very much in control of the arrangements for everything!

OP posts:
nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 10:37

Hen The thought of swinging with Paul is GROSS! Trust me! Haha.

Emma was heavily pregnant at the time, so maybe but somehow doubt it!

OP posts:
thelittleredhen · 09/03/2016 10:43

nowyoucmo - the thought of swinging with Paul may be gross, but perhaps he enjoys the thought of swinging with you...

Sorry, I'm not being very helpful!

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 10:48

grim hahahaha.

I REALLY didn't see the come-on side of it at all. Bleurgh!

OP posts:
kiwiblue · 09/03/2016 11:22

I watch the good wife, I agree it's great Wink

You may be a bit paranoid about what Emma thinks of you- there's no evidence she actually has an issue with you is there? If you really like her and Mark you could try to instigate something but if it feels awkward you could just try to move on from it. Definitely better off without Paul and Sarah!

workedoutforthebest · 09/03/2016 13:25

The only thing you have done, which could be perceived the wrong way, was got involved in the he-said-she-said. But the one who turned this friendship on its head was Paul. For reasons only he knows. And let's not forget, he cheated on his partner and thought he'd overshare that info. I mean, what did he expect you to do with information like that? Hmm

It's crap, op. But I think it just shows how flimsy some folk can be.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 13:50

Definitely. Thank you! I know it's really juvenile - this is why I haven't really discussed in with anyone apart from DH in real life. People will think that I'm a swinger Grin or just a meddling gossip Sad when actually I'm just someone who is really bad at situations like this. How people have the energy and the ability to fib when they are playing away is beyond me, I'd get sussed out after half an hour!

I spoke to DH about it again this morning and said it had been randomly playing on my mind again. His view - the same as me - is that Mark is a nice bloke and that if we lived closer DH would make more effort to go for the odd pint with him on his own, etc. He also said that he thinks Emma is a bit posh and that Sarah and Paul are a pain in the arse. He wasn't in the mood to mince his words today Grin.

At the risk of sounding like a five year old - I really did have a perfectly nice weekend doing my own thing the weekend they met up. So as silly as it all sounds, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed or looked forward to seeing Paul and Sarah again anyway Cake

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 10/03/2016 20:00

I think you really need to try to find a way to get it out of your head and let it go. I know from experience how unhealthy brooding over something like this is.

Gobbolino6 · 10/03/2016 20:44

You won't ever know what happened, but you're lucky to get away from them.

Isetan · 11/03/2016 07:58

The tragedy isn't them dropping you, the tragedy is, you'd still be trying to be friends with this sleaze and his casually racist wife if they hadn't of dropped you. If you want to expend energy on this third rate drama, then do so in a way that would benefit you, which is figuring out why you didn't drop them first.

BerylStreep · 11/03/2016 13:35

It sounds like Mark & Emma are the ones with the social capital, and the OP and Paul & Sarah are competing for the 'prize' of time spent with Mark & Emma.

PushingThru · 11/03/2016 13:41

Creepy Paul & Racist Sarah are better off out of your life. See if you can meet up with mark & Emma occasionally, as P & S are likely to screw up their friendship with them based on what they're like.

nowyoucmo · 15/03/2016 16:34

Hi - just popped in and saw updates.

No 'tragedy' - thanks Isetan for your totally unnecessarily bitchy remark. Confused
I explained many times during thread that I knew it was stupid, petty, etc. AND that I knew I was better off out of their way anyway. I also said I didn't know why it was bothering me and the next day said I feel much better about it.

Me and DH have agreed to draw a line under it and will see M&E if they get in touch with us. If they do, fine. If not, OK.
Like I've already said, me and DH have used this as a chance to make more effort with other friends and so far that's going well and we have some fun stuff we are looking forward to planned.

Smile
OP posts:
nowyoucmo · 15/03/2016 16:36

Hi Beryl really am feeling much, much better about the whole thing now.

Glad to have a nice DH who doesn't embarrass himself or me by over-sharing and proud not to be a racist miserable biddy too Grin.

Thanks to all of you who were so understanding and helpful when I was nervous about posting for the first time - especially over something so stupid.
Flowers

OP posts:
nowyoucmo · 01/04/2016 11:04

PS Thank you Pushing Flowers

OP posts:
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