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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting shoved out of a friendship group by bloke who admitted to cheating. Annoying!

96 replies

nowyoucmo · 08/03/2016 18:24

I feel a bit weird about this so please don't have a go at me. I've not posted my own thread before and am a bit nervous!

About three years ago, my DH and I met up with a couple that we were friendly with - let's call them Paul and Sarah. I've always got on better with the Paul than with Sarah, I don't know why - similar senses of humour and from a similar area. Sarah and my DH have similar jobs, so rather than it being the boys talking and the girls talking it tended to be me and Paul gabbing and my DH talking to Sarah.

After a few drinks the Paul told me - blurted out - that he had kissed one of his friend's girlfriend and that Sarah didn't know about it. This was a few months ahead of their wedding. I was a bit Confused and didn't know what to say. But I said that as long as it hadn't gone any further, I didn't think he should necessarily tell Sarah unless he was madly in love with this other woman or intended to leave (this is the bit I'm worried you'll all tell me off about - but like I say, it was a shock and I was very on-the-spot). He said that he hugely regretted it and felt stupid and guilty etc. At the time, I felt quite sorry for him. And her, obviously.

Later on I told my DH - who thought he was really inappropriate telling me this - especially when Sarah was so close by. It also caused a weird conversation about what he/I would do if WE had kissed someone else. Which could have all been avoided if it wasn't for this bloody Paul and his generally inappropriate behaviour.

Anyway, we agreed we would just leave it as it wasn't our business and we weren't really close friends/hadn't known them very long. I ended up feeling really resentful that Paul had over shared and as though now I couldn't really look the woman in the face. I certainly didn't want to shit-stir by telling her. In hindsight, I wish I had encouraged her to tell her, and think - based on what comes next - that this is what happened.

The wedding was about six months later. We didn't/couldn't attend as we were on holiday. I was a bit relieved about that - booked .

This is the bit where I am stupid and out of order. But - I was really cross with this bloke - and really confused... Anyway, here we go.
So, there is another couple in the mix - who weren't there at the original event - let's call them Mark and Emma. I used to get on with Emma well, she was the kind of missing link between me and Sarah and when the six of us met up she made it much less awkward and conversation flowed better.

There was talk of getting together and Paul was really taking over and after this 'confession' was being very friendly and enthusiastic about meeting up/being friendly, probably out of embarrassment. I felt a distinct chill from Sarah and wondered if Paul had told her about this bloody kiss and as a result she was angry with me ??? because I knew about it? And had told Paul not to tell her?

Anyway he was being really pushy about meeting up and I snapped and told Emma what Paul had told me. I said that it had made me feel really uncomfortable and that we were generally trying to distance ourselves a bit. I'm not very good at confrontation - or lying - and just told the truth.
DH was annoyed with me saying I had pretty much done to Emma was Paul did to me - if that makes sense. Emma seemed quite shocked and didn't particularly comment on it. I did profusely apologise afterwards if I had made her feel uncomfortable and she had said that she understood why I would feel awkward.
It sounds selfish, but I did feel better.

Anyway - skip forward over a year and we've had a couple more meetings. We've felt a bit left out of conversation and I can only presume that Sarah knew about this kiss and perhaps had told Emma and now they think I'm some kind of shit-stirrer. Which I'm really not.
We ended up with Mark on our own at one point who was lovely and presumably knew what I had told Emma and didn't comment on it and neither did we.

About a month ago we saw that they had got together without us and while my DH is relieved that we are out of the loop, I feel like Paul has kind of sabotaged our friendship - we always had a good laugh. I also feel like Sarah is mad with me rather than with Paul! Although perhaps he told her that I had confessed something and has twisted it around??

I don't know.

It probably sounds really petty but it does hurt that all this crap got dumped on me and I feel like my only real crime was telling Emma. And I only did that because I was getting frustrated over Paul being a bit bossy about meeting up.

I want to call Paul on the phone and say that I'm mad with him but it will probably sound ridiculous after all this time. And even if he did say that Sarah knows about it now AND that I told Emma - what then? - we are hardly all going to sit around and laugh about it are we?

Me and DH do have friends but not necessarily couples that we socialise with together so this has made a bit of a dent in our social life. I know that probably sounds a bit pathetic! Again I've never had anything against Sarah - we just never particularly hit it off.

I feel a bit resentful looking at photos of them all laughing and joking when he's a weirdo who snogs his mate's girlfriend and then to top it all - gets drunk and tells people a few feet away from his fiance, and then shoves us/me out!

In the grand scheme of things I'm probably being over sensitive and was stupid to have repeated what I heard to anyone other than Sarah. But it's really pissing me off!

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 09/03/2016 07:49

Too much drama and angst for a friendship group.

Who care Ho thins what. They'll clearly not interested in you.

Get be friends.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:00

I assume you mean get better friends.

I already have.

Thanks x

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kiwiblue · 09/03/2016 08:02

As other posters have said, why not see Mark and Emma on their own? You say Mark is still lovely and friendly, why not invite them over or meet for dinner and see how it goes, if you regret losing the friendship with them. You may be imagining them being weird with you.

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2016 08:03

It was Emma that Paul kissed & now they don't feel they can trust you after you told Emma...?

workedoutforthebest · 09/03/2016 08:05

Why are some posters on this thread so dismissive? Hmm

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:06

No that's definitely not it Different - I'm sure. I can see why people might think that but no.

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nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:07

I don't know either worked I think I set my "I know I've been a bit stupid" and "I know this is petty" stall quite openly and honestly but I'm finding that too Confused

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Roussette · 09/03/2016 08:15

I don't think you're being stupid, if you had known five minutes in advance what he was going to tell you (the kiss) you would have handled it superbly I'm sure, but when something is thrown at you out the blue, we sometimes don't say the right thing.

Personally, I probably would've stuck my fingers in my ears and said I don't want to hear about it. Agree he was testing the water probs.

Problems with Sarah afterwards probably stem from the fact she has never really warmed to you (and you her?) I'm not being critical of you here, it's just that some people are hard work and not our type of person. Perhaps she is jealous of you, finds you irritating, gets annoyed and thinks you buttonhole her DH to talk to etc. (not saying you do all these things but she may be insecure and think this).

As for the other couple and divulging to her, I imagine it does come across a bit as spreading bad news, unintentional on your part I know, but how does anyone know that...

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:15

Yes Kiwi I have thought that too. I suppose I'm worried it may make Emma feel even more in the middle and drive a bigger wedge between me and Sarah.
DH said last time we were all together Paul was pretty much doing what Sarah does to me - cutting him off a bit, speaking over him and waffling on about a shared interest that Paul & Mark have that DH knows nothing about. DH ended up talking about The Good Wife (American tv programme - it's great BTW) with me and Emma Grin

Paul and Sarah really suck up to Mark and Emma. Me and DH find it a bit odd. When we meet up for a weekend - this hasn't happened for a while - they kind of follow them around and make a huge fuss over M&E's kids. We find it a bit OTT and irritating.

Mark is lovely but v laid back and not one to instigate meeting up - and so is DH. I just feel like Emma thinks I'm a trouble maker and because I know I have (through being upset and stupid rather than nastiness) caused a bit of awkwardness - I've not instigated anything either.

...Which makes it more annoying when Paul swoops in and is going on about how much fun they had on FB. I've unfollowed them all for the time being anyway. And yes, I know that sounds childish!

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ricketytickety · 09/03/2016 08:16

Try looking at it another way. They have tested the water to see if you agree with cheating and casual racism. To them you failed, but in reality you didn't fail, you passed: you sound more humane than they are. That's a good thing. So them 'dropping' you because you aren't like them is a compliment.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:22

Haha that's very much what my DH said Rickety

As I'd said before, it's made us make more effort with other couples and generally play out together more and all our other friends are nice and normal and don't say inappropriate or overly personal things.

Yesterday I was really annoyed about it all - not sure why. It just sort of surfaces every now and then. We'd had some nice and fun times over the years. Not very often but enough to be tiny bit sad it's all but stopped.

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mithy · 09/03/2016 08:51

I think that Paul and Sarah are swingers, they've lucked out with you and your H so they've moved on to Mark and Emma. Paul has probably sounded out Emma, and she's more receptive than you. Bingo!

Do they have pampas grass in their front garden?

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:53

Lol no I don't think that's it! Not sure what pampas grass is either Grin

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nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 08:55

Oh Rousette just saw your post (bloody phone) - thank you. I think Sarah does find me annoying at times. But I AM annoying at times so that's fair enough. She's just a bit of a grumpy cow. And I'm not surprised if she's stuck with him!
It's made me please my DH is so nice! But also that I wish he'd been the one to call Paul about all the house stuff - as I think that must be where Paul had got the impression me and him were closer than we were.

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wannaBe · 09/03/2016 09:09

Bloody hell this all sounds a bit teenage. He snogged a friend's girlfriend in a taxi rank? Really? Tbh I'd find that bit alone hard to believe and would wonder what his actual agenda was.

From Sarah's perspective though, she and Paul were having problems and it seemed he was confiding in you. I would find that difficult to deal with tbh especially if you were supposedly friends with both of us. She may well have seen it as you taking Paul's side in whatever the issues were, and fwiw she may have seen the issues differently to you iyswim i.e. Perhaps from her pov they were just arguing a lot, whereas from his he wanted to shag someone else....

From Emma's point of view you have formed a bit of a pact to keep things a secret from Sarah. So you, your dh, Paul, now Emma and presumably Mark know that Paul has cheated on Sarah. The only person who doesn't know is Sarah. That is incredibly underhanded and excludes the one person who should have the right to know she has been betrayed. I would have stepped well back from a friendship with someone who wanted me to be part of that kind of secret as well tbh but I wouldn't have been so subtle about it - I would have told you you were out of order.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:14

Yeah I said it was petty/teenage/high school way up top. Got it. Thanks Wink

It is partially my own fault for telling Emma - I know I shouldn't. But at the time Emma and Paul were pushing for us all to go away and I really didn't want to. Emma was asking if I had a problem with Paul - and a I did/do and was still made with him - so I told her. I KNOW I shouldn't have.

Was annoyed / sad about it yesterday but having slept on it and some of the helpful comments on here I see I'm better out of it. If Sarah was nicer to me and generally a nicer, less racist, person I would feel more sorry for her I think!

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NickiFury · 09/03/2016 09:31

It sounds to me like you were fine with not being friends as long as it was you who was doing the distancing and feeling all puffed up with indignation about this bloke but when you saw that no one cared much and moved on without you it annoyed you tbh.

I think wannabe has it bang on.

Whathaveilost · 09/03/2016 09:31

Why are some posters on this thread so dismissive? hmm

It's not a case of being dismissive, just that as I've got older I can't be bothered with angst and getting upset by. People who aren't that bothered about me. These people have made it perfectly clear that they don't want you in their friendship group. You weren't over fussed about one of them, you didn't like being dragged into a secret by the other. Although you liked the other two they have made no effort to want to see you so they aren't bothered by you either. I can see why you were initially perplexed but I gather this has gone on for a while now as you have mentioned seeing photos of them happy. I presume you mean on FB in which case if you don't want to delete them as friends just have them on restricted access so that you are not seeing the posts and being wound up by it.

Yes, I did mean better friends in my last post, clearly a typo so thanks for pointing it out. You say you already have. I meant as couples. You said in your OP that your friends tend to not to be couples. Do you really need to go out with another couple? We go out several times a week but very rarely ( maybe twice a year) with another couple but I would say our social life is great.

Whathaveilost · 09/03/2016 09:36

Sorry, I started my last post ages ago and just got round to posting it. I see you have unfollowed them on FB.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:38

Nicki not sure why you are being so mean - I wasn't puffed up about anything.

And yes, I was out of order telling Emma. I know I'm not blameless. Doesn't mean I'm not allowed to resent Paul and miss Emma/regret what I did.

Blimey... Confused

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nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:42

Thanks what - I explained earlier that as a result we have made more effort to go out together with other people - as well as on our own.

I'm still friends with them - but yes, I've unfollowed them.

And I don't think Mark and Emma have made anything 'perfectly clear' - the meet up was very much driven/pushed for by Paul and it was them going to M&E's house - for a whole weekend. He tends to take over and extend his welcome in my experience.

Anyway. Lovely DH and lovely other friends. I do feel better.

Thanks to the friendly folks Flowers

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mithy · 09/03/2016 09:42

I'm interested in this, I AM annoying at times, why do you think that is?

Has anyone put that into your head?

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:46

No, I just know that when we are out I am a bit louder and I've seen Sarah roll her eyes or look a bit like she is thinking 'shut up OP'. I do try to not be annoying - especially when I've had a drink - but I think I do get on her nerves sometimes. That's all I meant.

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NickiFury · 09/03/2016 09:47

I'm not being mean Confused.

You do sound very sensitive though. Maybe this is part of the problem. I think you actually have nothing good to say about this people for example that lengthy post where you moan about them being too focused on the other couples kids etc. Just seems like a constant litany of complaints about them and how they behave. I think what annoys you is you think the "nice" couple like you should have dropped the "nasty" couple and for you to be the ones riding off into the sunset together.

The detail you go into makes you seem a touch of obsessive tbh and agree with previous (mean?) poster that they obviously just weren't that bothered about you.

nowyoucmo · 09/03/2016 09:52

Again, thanks Nikki! Calling someone sensitive when you imply they are childish and then call them 'puffed up' Confused, etc is always a good parting shot! I've said several times that enjoyed our meetings up to this awkward incident, and that I miss being in the wider group.
Smile

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