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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH loses it and says/calls me these things, what would you do?

101 replies

Mrstumbletap · 04/03/2016 21:58

Hi, I'm just looking for a bit of perspective/advice. DH has a bit of a temper and when we row (usually once a month) over something silly like remembering to pick something up, or where something is, it can escalate and end up with him just reeling off a load of insults or just nasty things. Such as, your stupid, horrible, ugly (only said that once), pathetic, I don't like you etc.

I have learnt arguing back in this situation is pointless and usually ends up with him walking out slamming the door. Then later that afternoon or the next day he is really sorry, says he knows he shouldn't say those things and that he just does it to hurt me, and that he knows it wrong. He grew up in quite a similar situation so I know where he gets it from.

On the whole he works hard, is sweet, funny, romantic, good around the house, good with DC and we get on well, but one argument a month his Jekyl and Hyde comes out. I'm getting a thick skin to it now and just wait for him to finish his rant and then speak to him that eve or the next day. Been together many years and it's never escalated to more than that.

Can you give me your thoughts?

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 04/03/2016 22:31

'He says it's because we don't communicate well'

No. It's not.

DoreenLethal · 04/03/2016 22:32

Can i ask does he do it when you havent been putting the bins out etc, or when you expect him to put the bins out? Seems to me he is abusing you in order to shut you up and stop you from daring to ask why he hasnt done his chores again. Thereby in time you will simply stop asking and do it yourself. Aka walking on eggshells.

LogicalThinking · 04/03/2016 22:34

What exactly DOES he mean when he says 'you're stupid'?

I can't be doing with petty arguments over stuff like that - what's the point!

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 04/03/2016 22:37

But I could say I have a DH that doesn't get involved with the kids, doesn't like my family, we have really mismatched sex drives, and I'm a social bee and he wants to stay in and watch telly, and we should stay together because they aren't as bad?

Where is the stay/go line drawn? That's what confuses me. Or that's completely personal and there can be no one size fits all?

OP posts:
Lanark2 · 04/03/2016 22:40

Ooo Kay then..

Right, so small arguments are drifting into power struggle arguments, and possibly when he 'loses' emotionally he tries to convey/equal out the bad feeling by throwing it back at you.

I don't know why the majority seem to be advocating power struggle tactics when the problem is that you are having power struggle arguments at all. Coming up with new and more inventive power plays 'leave', 'ultimatum' 'bully him into contrition' etc isn't going to solve the actual issue, in fact it's more likely to add to a feeling of unresolved power issues which will turn the next argument that way.

The trick is that someone has to come out of the power struggle and be problem solving first. If the arguments upset you both and you can talk in a period of apology, suggest you take turns..saying 'its your turn to be adult' or even screaming it can wake you up from the power play.

Remember that if you withdraw approval from each other AND belittle, the reduced self esteem/acceptance will fuel a snappy aggressive continuation so try to remember what you are actually arguing about, and don't try to bully a 'win' try to find a solution instead. Thus might have to include a solution to the emotions too.

Don't feel bad that you are getting this wrong, out whole fucking legal system is about minimising the other, maximising yourself, and aiming for a win-lose outcome.

In a relationship. You want a long term win-win overall. ...

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 04/03/2016 22:41

OP does he rant at anyone else? Because if not, he has complete control over his temper and saves his verbal abuse just for you.

It's completely up to you if this is something you can accept but I think you should consider your dc. You said your DH grew up in a house like this and he is just repeating the pattern. Do you want your dc to either verbally attack their partners as he does, or accept this crap from others because it seems so normal to them?

Me and DH aren't perfect by any means and we bicker over silly things like you and your DH. For us, when we get to the point that we're frustrated with the other, we just say so and agree to have a break. We take 10 minutes then discuss like adults. We say "I don't like that you did X / I don't understand why you thought Y." We don't insult each other or make personal attacks - it's counterproductive and not something most people would do to someone you love.

Caprinihahahaha · 04/03/2016 22:41

We disagree about ordinary stuff. I ask him to put the bins out and he forgets. I tell him it irritates me and he says that it's not a big deal. I point out its only not a big deal to him because the bins are heavy and hard for me but not for him. He rolls his eyes and does it grudgingly.
That's typical. Then he apologises.
The arguments the other way around are my being pissy about us getting somewhere on time when it doesn't matter. He tells me I'm being ridiculous to rush around and put pressure on everyone else and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I tell him he is always late and I think that's rude. Then I get over myself because he's right.

At no point does he call me names. At not point do we try, deliberately to hurt each other.
The idea that if you disagree then you are entitled to deliberately name call and cause hurt, that's skewed thinking.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 22:43

The line to draw is this:

No amount of abuse in a relationship is acceptable. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Lanark2 · 04/03/2016 22:47

Also in your examples, you are using judgemental blaming language and sometimes on things that he didn't even know you expected him to do. Eg bins out, you put buns out usually, so he leaves it to you. You then give him grief when they aren't out, and tell him he 'dmshould have' done it. Compare this to 'oh man the bins still full could you get that this time?' Or 'grab that bin would you, i'm doing the laundry'.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 22:50

How about "you didn't put the bins out you stupid ugly fucker" ?

That would make it equitable

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 04/03/2016 22:50

Lanark2 and everyone that has questioned the silly arguments in the first place, I agree, it is the silly power play arguments that are the problem, and I can run rings around him in argument (which isn't nice either) but I can do it with facts and examples and have a good memory, he then can't win and snaps and try's all he can. But it shouldn't be about either one winning.

OP posts:
Lanark2 · 04/03/2016 22:51

Re 'control' with partner, its normal for partners to control emotional things with other people but reveal them with people they trust. I suspect Its an expression/reflection of how distant he feels from you when you are telling him off.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 22:54

Op, do not accept any blame for his verbal abuse of you

TheSilveryPussycat · 04/03/2016 22:56

I've had two sorts of rowing strategies with different DPs.

In the first, it was almost as if we both had a script. He would say something, then I would say something, then he would say something - getting more and more blaming of each other and ending in sulks.

I had control over this, though it was difficult teaching myself. I just had to stop saying my line of the script. Eventually I managed this, but only as part of my detachment when divorcing him. Who knows, if I had changed my side of this toxic war of words years before, things might have been different.

My now DP - we shout over each other very loudly, never call each other names though, and somehow we manage to listen to the other at the same time. We generally find out that somehow we're at cross-purposes, or each reflects afterwards and if apologies are needed they are sincere and quick. No sulking. Not for everyone, perhaps!

reader77 · 04/03/2016 22:58

It's emotional abuse.

Lanark2 · 04/03/2016 22:59

Um, if you go into attack 'where's the evidence', 'I have stats where are yours', you said x I said y and you were wrong' you are browbeating and definitely arguing and trying to win. Stop that and see what happens.. You are trying to win with your strongest play, and he is trying to win with his. Stop fighting !!

Wolfiefan · 04/03/2016 23:02

We disagree. I said. You said. I'm cross. Kind of stuff.
About the bins. The kids. Etc.
We don't insult each other by saying you're fat or lazy or whatever.
That's mean and unkind and not how you behave to a loved one.
We aren't perfect and do disagree. Aren't always perfectly matched but don't say horrible and hurtful things to each other.

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 04/03/2016 23:10

I agree, we are both trying to win and it's ridiculous.

I'm not knocked by the things he says really as I know he doesn't mean them, and even if he did mean them it still wouldn't bother me really as my confidence in myself doesn't rely on his opinion of me.

No he doesn't really snap at other people, but I don't think many people do do they? Surely we are our worst for our partners (possibly our siblings too?)

OP posts:
TwoMag314s · 04/03/2016 23:12

read this article

LilaTheTiger · 04/03/2016 23:19

I have a happy relationship. My marriage was like yours though. The difference is amazing. The other night my DP was kidding around but crossed a line. I said "that was not good. Don't say that again, it was too close to the bone" he said "Oh, sorry", and we all carried on.

Bins? Just happens. One of us does it, or we do it together. Housework? Also happens. Occasionally one of us will "I've cleaned the sodding bathroom the last three times. Would you please?" and we will, because no one wants the other to be unhappy.

It's so nice. LTB OP. Life really is too short.

Lanark2 · 04/03/2016 23:20

Twomag that's still a power play/winning/name calling/ minimising ie win-lose approach.. Start here.lifehacker.com/how-to-turn-an-argument-into-a-productive-discussion-1171337265

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 05/03/2016 10:40

"He says it because we don't communicate well"
OK, so he's highlighted a problem which is a start, but what are the pair of you going to do about it? Did he offer any constructive ideas?

I'm so glad TheSilveryPussycat has highlighted how communication varied with 2 of her relationships, because I really do believe that if people looked at how they spoke to their partners, what script they follow, that they could learn to communicate better. It takes 2 to have an argument or row after all!

Great link Lanark Smile

Allnamesaretakenffs · 05/03/2016 10:55

At the very least, what behaviour do you want your son to learn? If you're happy with him also treating his future girlfriends in the same way, then by all means, keep putting up with this behaviour.

My husband and I have been together since I was 19 (I'm 32 now), we've worked out kinks along the way and are really happy now, though it was hard in the beginning. Once, I can't remember what it was I said to him (I think I snapped at him for something and was very rude) and he replied "would you speak to your boss like that? Or your work colleagues? Or your friends? So what do you think gives you the right to speak to me like that?" He was absolutely right. That was about 10 years ago now and I've never spoken to him like that again, because I respect him (he's never spoken to me disrespectfully either).

Allnamesaretakenffs · 05/03/2016 10:57

I honestly don't think there's any excuse for verbally abusing someone like your husband is doing to you. It's just really horrible, no?

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