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Relationships

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Original poster

Dp's ex tagging along with him during his time with the children

101 replies

Disgruntledex · 03/03/2016 19:13

Would you be annoyed if you'd been with your dp a while and suddenly he started to spend more time with his ex on the days he has the children ? It seems like every other weekend they play happy families going off to places or out for dinners .. He even took her with them to visit his grandparents.
It's not always been like this but the last few months it has crept up.

I've asked him why he feels the need too suddenly. ( if it had been something they'd always done since the split I think I would be slightly more according but they haven't and it's only the last few months it's changed). I thought he might have said he felt the need to because she's their mother but instead he said it wasn't out of duty, that he enjoyed catching up with her and hearing about her job and life.
As far as I'm aware there is no contact between visits unless dc related I just don't understand why she needs to be there and why so regularly.

OP posts:

iyamehooru · 04/03/2016 07:22

Go with him as well!

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2016 07:26

If they're 'emailing each other for hours' then it sounds like a precursor to getting back together.

Why do you think they split?

OVienna · 04/03/2016 07:28

The fact you haven't met his kids and this is happening is the red flag tbh. Why haven't you met them? This is what would make me feel like the stop gap.

Original poster

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 07:39

He doesn't want to share his time with them with someone else is his answer. Yet he will share his time with her every other week.

I'm not invited and wouldn't be welcome anyway.

They don't email regularly but when they do it is for a long period of time.

They split because he had been messing around with someone at work I think (not me) and then he got with me a few months later.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 07:40

I think you're on a hiding to nowhere with this one.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 04/03/2016 07:46

I'm not convinced this is good for the kids. How will they make their peace with their parents split if the lines are so blurred by then spending so much family time together? Surely it's confusing for them?

OP I agree with PP that if you haven't met the kids yet, on top of this issue, it doesn't bode well for your relationship ever being 'proper'

Original poster

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 07:52

Thanks. I will have to talk to him again about it.

I don't want to take a father away from his children or ruin the relationship he has with his ex in reguards to them parenting amicably but this is just odd to have such frequent time together all together and I guess at his request also.

Sometimes I wonder if he's just seeing if he can be part of that hint again.

OP posts:

Hennifer · 04/03/2016 08:00

So they split up because he was unfaithful? - what was it that made you think he was a good person to get together with?

It sounds like he hasn't got the capacity to be honest with anyone.

Salene · 04/03/2016 08:05

I think give it another 6 months and they will be a couple again which is great for the kids and them not so great for you

I'd be moving on if it was me. Anyway he can't be trusted due to previous cheating

Their is plenty of decent blokes out there I'd go looking for one of them personally

Too many warning signs here for me

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 04/03/2016 08:08

Yes it just all sounds so unreal .

BunnyTyler · 04/03/2016 08:10

I think it's good for the kids to see both parents getting on like that.

So long as the children are completely aware that mum & dad are not ever getting back together and they are just friends (needs to be reinforced regularly though).

If she was 'tagging along' to your time with him then you have a problem, but if her ex (and father of her children) had asked her to join him and the kids on his access days then she's not really 'tagging along', she's 'accepting an invite'. It's different.

BunnyTyler · 04/03/2016 08:11

And why is she the problem?
Presumably it's your partner that asked her along.

willconcern · 04/03/2016 08:26

I don't think OP is saying the ex is 'the problem', Bunny. She is asking about her partner's behaviour & has said nothing bad about the ex.

OP I don't think this level of getting on is 'good for the children' either. Yes it is great for kids to see their separated parents communicating well, but this sounds much more than that. I would think exactly the same as you. If you haven't met his kids yet because he doesn't want to share the time with them, then they don't see him with their mum & know he"s going home to you. These kids probably think their parents are getting back together - which is a v common dream for kids in separated family. I am a divorced mum and I get on with my ex, but we don't go out as a family any more.

If I were you I'd think about cutting my losses. Sorry.

springydaffs · 04/03/2016 08:44

They split because he had been messing around with someone at work I think (not me) and then he got with me a few months later.

Girl?! There you have it. Oh so totally get rid. He's a cheat. Amazed posters are twisting themselves into pretzels to justify BLATANT taking the absolute piss.

Fwiw I do NOT think this is good for the kids either.

lunar1 · 04/03/2016 08:50

How long have you been together? Honestly I'd step away now this won't be fun for you.

Arfarfanarf · 04/03/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

davidcameroon · 04/03/2016 08:59

Interesting that the title of your thread is "ex tagging along" rather than "boyfriend inviting ex".
The former suggests that the ex is asking to join in where as the latter is about him inviting her.
Does he hang out with his ex and children when it's "her time"?
Is it possible that he invites her because he's not able to look after the kids on his own and as the split is amicable, that she is a convenient nanny?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 04/03/2016 08:59

she must have a really interesting job and life to be EOW fulltime and emailing for hours!

I'd imagine she threw his philandering arse out and it's damaged his pride as the perfect man/husband/father so he'd like another go at Family Life just to prove he's not an utter dickslap.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 04/03/2016 09:02

It is great when separated families get on but this goes beyond that.

He has form for cheating so why his ex would want to spend every other weekend of her time with the knob that split up the family is quite beyond me.

Unless there's more to it.

Sorry OP, it doesn't bode well.

davidcameroon · 04/03/2016 09:03

How long have you been together?
It sounds like he wants somebody to shag/mess around with rather than s serious girlfriend.

gamerchick · 04/03/2016 09:04

How long have you been together?

BunnyTyler · 04/03/2016 09:34

davidcameroon, that's what I meant when I asked why the ex was the problem and not the partner.

How the ex chooses to spend her time, and who with is nothing to do with the OP.
How the ex and him choose to manage time and contact with the children is nothing to do with the OP.

However, who OPs partner chooses to spend his time with is everything to do with OP.

If you don't like that he is spending all this time with her then deal with that specifically - if you are not happy with his answer then reevaluate whether you want to be with him.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 04/03/2016 10:27

In case you didn't hear the first time

How long have you been together?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/03/2016 10:55

I think it's fine for people who have children together to be friends and spend time as a family - it's very, very healthy to model the fact that the couple-relationship is not the central relationship in life.

However, OP, you are clearly not high on this man's list of priorities. Whether that's because he is a bit of a liar who likes to string women along, or because you are desperate to read more into a casual relationship than he has ever actually offered you, I couldn't say (hint: if you've only been dating this man for a few months then of course you are less important than his XW and kids: you're a casual girlfriend, not a life partner).

Why not look around for some other men on your own account: there are plenty out there.

Original poster

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 16:40

I don't take issue with his ex.
My issues is my Dps relationship with her.
Why the sudden change in co parenting and why they need to be together as a family every time he has contact with his children.
That is what I find difficult - I also agree that they should have a friendly relationship days out for birthdays etc I have said many times I take no issue with but when he has a sudden interest in her coming along I do have an issue.

OP posts:

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