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Relationships

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Original poster

Lovely new bf has very low sex drive

94 replies

hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 10:13

I've been with my bf for about four months now, and in most relationships I would imagine you have a lot of sex at this stage. This is not the case in ours and I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He is absolutely amazing in all other ways. Loving, kind, tidy, gentle etc. But he doesn't want nearly as much sex as I do.

I've got my DC's every other full week, and he hasn't met them yet so I only see him every other weeks. So two full weeks every month he stays at mine pretty much.

We didn't start out having a lot of sex, but still a few times a week, and he said it was because he didn't want to make me feel like that was all he was after.

We then went through a surge and it was great.

About a month ago I was feeling really up for it so I started telling him about what I wanted to do to him that night in a naughty way. He seemed up for it. Later in the evening he wanted nothing to do with it and told me it put him off having sex when it was me initiating it. Apparently, he has never had a girlfriend before who has initiated sex, it's always been him, so this was something new to him. (It crushed me as I hate the thought of things I do putting him off, and also that I quite like being the one initiating it.)

Ever since he told me, I've stopped mentioning to him when I've been feeling horny, and just waited for him to tell me he's been up for it.

Unfortunately this is nowhere near as much as I want to so we have sex once during our weeks together, so twice a month.

Yesterday morning, HE started talking about the sex we were going to have last night. I then joined in. But again, this put him off! It seems I'm not meant to mention it at all!

Anyway, I didn't make a big deal out of it, said I totally understand if he's not feeling up for it etc. And went to sleep, cuddled up together.

This morning he was feeling bad, because he knows it upsets me (even though I am trying to hide it).

I think I've got a weird relationship with sex, and I feel like he doesn't love me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Even though I know he does!

I'm just not sure how to move on from this? I can't have a conversation with him about this, as he doesn't like me mentioning sex and I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him.

But I'm not sure I can feel loved by someone who only wants sex twice a month? Especially this early on in the relationship....

We're both in our early thirties.

I realise I sound a bit like an ungrateful cow writing this....but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

PushingThru · 03/03/2016 18:48

It sounds to me like he is parroting these gender stereotypes around sex as a diversion because they're generally 'understood' as excuses whether you agree with them or not. I'd be looking for what he's trying to hide if I were you.

Original poster

hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 18:50

Trying to hide? What do you mean?

OP posts:

PushingThru · 03/03/2016 18:51

"I didn't want you to feel that's all I was after" & not liking women taking initiative don't really reconcile to me.

PushingThru · 03/03/2016 18:53

Porn addiction, gay, issues with sex & dirtiness from childhood, religious, just a generally low sex drive he's embarrassed about, past experiences of erectile disfunction that he's paranoid about...the list of possibilities is endless.

Justaboy · 03/03/2016 18:58

It is possible for a man to have a low drive there're not that many around and some are completely asexual. But you may have guessed that. I think other then just jacking it in that can you try and ask him if he'd like to see anyone about it in case there might be an underlying medical or physiological problem anywhere?.

Twice a month at your ages ain't quite how it oughta be! Hope you get it fixed:)

Secretlove · 03/03/2016 19:07

I had a very similar situation in a long-term relationship and I was too scared to initiate, move, talk dirty, moan too loud or anything that might put him off his stride and let me tell you the situation never improved.

I am ashamed to say I did eventually find sex elsewhere and it was a revelation. I would never put up with crap sex again.

You have to be able to be yourself op.

Slowdecrease · 03/03/2016 19:23

This won't change. He's perfectly entitled to be turned on or off by you initiating sex . But if he isn't into it and you want more than he initiates - this is a hiding to nothing. Been there and as a pp said I ended up feelng thoroughly shameful for wanting it as I was made to feel like I was treating like a piece of meat. My fault for letting it continue when I knew fundamentally we were mismatched.

springydaffs · 03/03/2016 19:36

He may be hiding something or he may be making it perfectly clear he has a frighteningly negative view of women.

HandyWoman · 03/03/2016 20:13

4 months of a relationship is a nano-second. It's a phase of discovery, not commitment, not yet. And you've discovered he had real issues around sex. If he won't do something about it then I'd say this relationship is a dead duck.

springydaffs · 03/03/2016 22:15

Or he has real issues around women.

Original poster

hejsvejs · 04/03/2016 23:06

I genuinely don't think he's got issues with women. Not in normal life anyway, although he might be a bit traditional.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/03/2016 23:19

Traditional = misogynistic. That's just how traditional is: women should know their place (beneath the man).

Women shouldn't be interested in sex bcs they are demure and pure. Women nurture, they don't say 'fuck me hard' bcs that's not ladylike. (They also do all the household stuff)

=traditional.

Resilience16 · 04/03/2016 23:22

My thoughts, from my own experience, are that this is controlling behaviour. It is a way of keeping you in your place, making you feel bad yourself,making you doubt yourself and making you walk on egg shells.
It is the early drip, drip ,drip of emotional abuse. You refute that and say he is perfect. I would have said the same in the early days of my relationship with my ex. I didn't want to see the cracks and red flags as I was so determined this would be my happy ending.
Took four years of escalating EA before the scales fell from my eyes.
If you are in a relationship where your needs are not being met ,and you are made to feel bad for mentioning them, then be brave and get out.

Misty9 · 04/03/2016 23:27

I'm now 8 years into a relationship like this op. Pre kids I wanted it more than dh and felt very rejected when he didn't. So I stopped initiating. Amazingly we conceived whilst only having sex a handful of times a year. Twice. I have questioned whether I did the right thing in staying, but he is wonderful in many other ways and a fantastic father. So I guess I see it as a cost to a lot of other benefits. And now, with two kids under 5, he wants it when I don't

Think long and hard about whether you think.you can do this. And read up on hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

FamiliarSting · 05/03/2016 14:56

My OH has a low sex drive. Our 'honeymoon period' only lasted about a month and then it was probably only 3 times per week, tops. Back then I didn't mind so much because I'd come out of a 'fling' with a guy that'd happily do it twice a day so it was a bit refreshing.

I'd never really been rejected before, so after a few times I couldn't take it anymore so just gave up inititating and got used to one a week, which became ok with me. About 18 months in I'd had enough (but it wasn't just the sex), I was considering leaving but discovered I was pregnant.

We've now been together 9 years.... We maybe have sex once or twice a fortnight, occasionally more, sometimes less.
Unlike your guy mine is far from Mr perfect. He's crap in a lot of ways but not exactly a bad guy or anything. There is next to no affection in our relationship which is harder to deal with than the lack of sex.

I've accepted it, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.
Though now, when he does want sex, it's harder for me to get in the mood and then in the days after, like a drug, it leaves me wanted more so I'm left frustrated again.

My self confidence has taken a huge hit, and I feel like I've lost my sexual self, which is depressing. I sometimes find myself fantasizing about when the kids are old enough for me to find someone else.

This is probably not helpful, sorry.
But the main difference seems to be that your guy is lovely in other ways, and if there's non-sexual affection there then, for me at least, that wouldn't be so bad.

SauvignonPlonker · 05/03/2016 15:21

OP, I would say that this is about as good as it gets. If his sex drive is so low at this point in a new relationship, it would be fair to say it would be very unlikely to improve. And very likely decline.

In your shoes, I would put a shirt deadline on it eg 3-6 months at very most, and make a decision.

Or google dead bedrooms. That'll give an interesting perspective!

springydaffs · 06/03/2016 04:15

Familiar. You don't have to live with that! It's appalling

AyeAmarok · 06/03/2016 05:30

I was sort of understanding to his position because I thought about if the genders were reversed and a woman was saying "I've been seeing a great guy, only problem is he wants sex every other day at least and I'm happy with once a week". Nobody would say the woman was weird. In fact some might hint that he shouldn't be trying it on with you when he knows you don't want it, and if you suggested that you had sex one time because you felt you 'had' to because you turned him down the night before and you knew he was annoyed/upset about it, and had duty sex, then there'd be cries of worse...

However, what gets me about this guy is that he tried to crush you by making it sound like you were weird because you have a sex drive. And that sounds cruel and nasty to me.

I think you're just not sexually compatible at best, and this may be a cover for a porn addiction or total misogynist arse at worst.

DoorOFF · 06/03/2016 09:52

of the two guys I know who've had similar sexual issues, both unfortunately were symptomatic of deeper issues with women (bad mother issues).

One in his 30's, one in his 40's. neither wanted to do anything to acknowledge or address the issue independently, I think they just wanted to brush it under the carpet and expect whoever they were with to put up with it?

just because they found it difficult to have normal fun sex with their partners, didn't mean they were relatively asexual in other aspects of their lives so you couldn't even say "at least with his low sex drive he's faithful and reliable"?

remember Charlotte and Trey in SATC, where she is very sensitive to his ED, walking on eggshells, then finds he's wanking in the bathroom over a porn magazine? That's fairly accurate.

both were obsessed with sex, heavy porn users and one somehow always managed to "end up" in social situations involving prostitutes

Both desperate to be In A Relationship but even though on paper they ticked all the Nice Man boxes (and in fact were fairly desperate to be seen as some White Knight character, criticised other men for treating women badly and being sex-mad beasts, etc) I think most women sensed they are a bit "off" and passive aggressive and moved away from them.

four months is nothing.

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