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Original poster

Lovely new bf has very low sex drive

94 replies

hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 10:13

I've been with my bf for about four months now, and in most relationships I would imagine you have a lot of sex at this stage. This is not the case in ours and I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He is absolutely amazing in all other ways. Loving, kind, tidy, gentle etc. But he doesn't want nearly as much sex as I do.

I've got my DC's every other full week, and he hasn't met them yet so I only see him every other weeks. So two full weeks every month he stays at mine pretty much.

We didn't start out having a lot of sex, but still a few times a week, and he said it was because he didn't want to make me feel like that was all he was after.

We then went through a surge and it was great.

About a month ago I was feeling really up for it so I started telling him about what I wanted to do to him that night in a naughty way. He seemed up for it. Later in the evening he wanted nothing to do with it and told me it put him off having sex when it was me initiating it. Apparently, he has never had a girlfriend before who has initiated sex, it's always been him, so this was something new to him. (It crushed me as I hate the thought of things I do putting him off, and also that I quite like being the one initiating it.)

Ever since he told me, I've stopped mentioning to him when I've been feeling horny, and just waited for him to tell me he's been up for it.

Unfortunately this is nowhere near as much as I want to so we have sex once during our weeks together, so twice a month.

Yesterday morning, HE started talking about the sex we were going to have last night. I then joined in. But again, this put him off! It seems I'm not meant to mention it at all!

Anyway, I didn't make a big deal out of it, said I totally understand if he's not feeling up for it etc. And went to sleep, cuddled up together.

This morning he was feeling bad, because he knows it upsets me (even though I am trying to hide it).

I think I've got a weird relationship with sex, and I feel like he doesn't love me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Even though I know he does!

I'm just not sure how to move on from this? I can't have a conversation with him about this, as he doesn't like me mentioning sex and I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him.

But I'm not sure I can feel loved by someone who only wants sex twice a month? Especially this early on in the relationship....

We're both in our early thirties.

I realise I sound a bit like an ungrateful cow writing this....but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 11:16

Flowers Catastrophic!

You're talking a lot of sense. He is definitely worth a lot in my eyes. Never met anyone like him before in my life. As I said, outside of the bedroom he's an amazing man.

OP posts:
ACatastrophicMisintepretation · 03/03/2016 11:20

X-post! In terms of how to talk to him, it's tricky because you don't want to make him feel more pressure (if this is the issue) but as someone said above, if he can say "I have issues and I need patience" then that will be much better for your relationship going forward than denial. Despite everything I've said, I do think that for it to be ok, he needs to admit there is a problem there and you can decide if he is worth it!

I think it's normal to feel rejected but it honestly won't be you. I would try and have an honest conversation, say how you feel and see what he says. If he knows you're feeling rejected and he's a nice man, hopefully that will give him the opening to explain a bit more and then you can decide where to go from there and if he is worth the compromise Thanks

Lanark2 · 03/03/2016 11:22

I thought I would try to add something here as I am a man who has a very high sex drive, but has also been in a relationship where I got turned off by someone who initiated. It was a weird thing, but something to do with the initiating not including ego boosting or flirting, more sort of 'I'm ready how about it' which left me feeling like a performing erection rather than someone actually involved. The wider part of this was that the whole relationship was a bit like that either her or me but never 'us' ie we either did what she liked (not just sex I mean) or what I liked, but we never seemed to actually be into the same music, films, what we fancied on a night out, etc even though we got on really well in other ways. Another thing added to this was that I like very sexual relationships, but with a slight passivity from my partners initially, but then not, so if I am always initiating, I get bored, but if they are always initiating when I don't want to, I feel obliged, not turned on. Ie the flirting approach or the testing contact, or perhaps tentative rude texts getting ruder if there is connection works, but 'I am ready why aren't you' would have me turned off to complete zero. I also liked not so much woman saying 'let's do it' but more 'God I'm so turned on'. Also getting him used to just enjoying rather than having to think 'OK when am I going to have to perform' might help. I also found, that the thing that put me off was verbalising at the wrong time in words.. Eg.. When I am turned on, I can't get my brain to say real words easily, so when someone says 'OK fuck me now' my brain goes 'oh, English.' And tries to decipher it and think of a response, and that turns me off. (As does it sounding like an instruction) where Manoevering and demonstrating the same wish doesn't 'wake me up' in the same way. I don't know if any of this helps, but thought I'd say in case ...

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/03/2016 11:25

Hejs, so here's the thing, your sex drive is completely normal, as is his.

Unfortunately, he sees yours as abnormally high for a woman (which is judgemental and has made you feel bad), and he doesn't like it if you so much as join in with him, after he's started verbally initiating things (which surely isn't placing expectations, since he was the one to start on the subject).

So now it's down to what you want. In this relationship he will make you feel bad if you ever initiate. This isn't a case of you initiating, him saying I'm not in the mood, all is fine. This is a case of you initiating, him telling you that turns him off, and you are unable to talk about it.

Are you happy to have sex once or twice a month, maybe less once the honeymoon period is over, for the rest of your time together? Are you happy not being able to express yourself fully with him for fear of judgement?

It's only been 4 months. This is early. You don't know him. You're still in the honeymoon period where everything is roses and light. This is the easy, fun bit. It gets harder from here on in. It gets better too, but if the easy bit is making you feel bad, it suggests to me that you're simply not compatible.

It's interesting that you're focusing on the only response that lays the blame with you, for putting him under pressure, rather than him, for his judgemental comments.

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 11:26

At the time we did talk about it, he apologised. He said he knows he's 'emotionally retarded' (his words, and he's not!) and that he always tried be conscious about how things he say and do make me feel. He admitted he had missed it on this occasion but that he would try to change.

As I said, not much has actually changed, but then again I haven't tried to initiate sex since as I don't like feeling rejected.

Last night he did notice I got a bit upset by him not wanting to, and he hugged me and said he was sorry.

This morning we did have sex, initiated by him, but it felt very forced. As if he felt it was something he had to do to make me happy.

So in a way I think he is trying, but there's a giant pink elephant in the room.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 03/03/2016 11:27

I agree to a certain extent, A Catastrophic, and yes, when someone's male partner does not want sex and the reply is, "Oh, just put on some sexy undies," it makes me groan.

However, this fella is not helping himself. He needs to be clear and honest about what's going on. He's in denial if he thinks it's the op's problem and not his...It really is not you, op.

ACatastrophicMisintepretation · 03/03/2016 11:28

I'm in the exact same situation, but I get why it's happened and he's worth it to me. He's been honest, I've been patient and it's improved loads. Also, and I don't know how I've achieved this, but I don't feel rejected at all now, I accept that it's his problem and don't make it about me. Because it isn't, just like it's not about you. Like you said, it's a very small part of him. Most of him is perfect and I would rather have that than an imperfect man and loads of sex!
But that's me, we're all different and have to do what makes us happy.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/03/2016 11:30

It's all down to what you want in a relationship. If sex is important to you, then it's just been made enormously awkward with strange rules.

I couldn't be with someone like that, because for me it's a valuable part of the relationship.

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 11:31

Lanark, a lot of sense from you too. Not sure how to get the balance right if it doesn't come naturally...

I can't initiate things playfully, or at least I don't know how to with him.

OP posts:
ACatastrophicMisintepretation · 03/03/2016 11:35

FuckyouChris please don't misunderstand that I am "blaming" the OP for putting pressure on him! Not at all, it's not blame. I was just trying to give another perspective and suggest he may feel pressure. I wasn't suggesting she is responsible for that, no one is responsible for how anyone else feels! I don't think it's anyone's fault. Relationships need honesty from both sides and I agree that he isn't being as honest as he can.

suzannecaravaggio · 03/03/2016 11:36

It will only get worse
He will make promises but not deliver
You will end up in a sexless relationship, eaten up with sexual frustration

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/03/2016 11:39

Catastrophic :) I read your follow up post that clarified that it was his issue and not hers St Davids

I think that might be a difference between the two relationships. Hejs' oh doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to talk about all this.

TheStoic · 03/03/2016 11:48

You're not sexually compatible.

He's making you feel bad for your sex drive, you are (possibly) making him feel bad for his.

This is not going to improve. Do you really want to be compromising from 4 months in?

Branleuse · 03/03/2016 11:53

Hes playing mind games with you, although im not saying hes doing it intentionally or maliciously, but the guy has serious issues with sex. Hes actually shaming you if you want sex

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 11:55

Been reading up on the Madonna/Whore complex, a lot of boxes are getting ticked.

And I know it's only been 4 months, but I'm incredibly into him and I want him in my life.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 03/03/2016 12:03

He's a misogynistic control freak

Annarose2014 · 03/03/2016 12:05

I think you think this is fixable.

How?! Its not your issue. You sound pretty average. You like sex and you have no hang ups about initiating it. Or should I say HAD before this guy did a number on you.

Now you're a bag of nerves about something that should be one of the great joys of your life.

Meanwhile he has given no indication that he thinks it is a major problem. He apologised for not being more diplomatic, he gave you what you wanted this morning so thats fine, right?

He is dutifully going through the motions. He is literally just giving you enough sex to stop you from ever talking about this again, cos he wants it all to go away.

How awful to only be 4 months into a relationship with someone and feel like they're only thrusting away out of duty. Sad

You may be massively into him now, but I warn you, this is going to eat away at the relationship very quickly. And by the time you realise you have to get out, you'll have half convinced yourself that you're a screaming nymphomaniac and should never intitate sex again.

He is what he is. That old adage is true here: When somebody tells you who they are - LISTEN!

suzannecaravaggio · 03/03/2016 12:11

You got the need
He got the power
Not a recipe for happiness or fulfilment

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 12:15

I desperately want it to be fixable...

OP posts:
TheStoic · 03/03/2016 12:16

How do you imagine that will happen?

His drive will increase? Or yours will drop to match his?

Helmetbymidnight · 03/03/2016 12:19

Um- 'I want this to be fixeable' usually ends up being 'I am prepared to swallow all my needs and desires for this'

Be careful op.

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 12:20

Thanks, I will be careful.

He honestly isn't a horrible man, but he has obviously got issues around this.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 03/03/2016 12:21

Unless he enters sex therapy and works through his issues you are going to be unhappy.

He has to admit he has a problem and be prepared to do something about it - is he?

Duckdeamon · 03/03/2016 12:22

You sound overly invested and "desperate" for it to work for a new relationship of 4 months where there are clear flags that his sexual hang ups will cause big problems. Why is he staying at yours so much anyway?

Duckdeamon · 03/03/2016 12:24

You could take a big step back and see him less and see what happens: that way if/when you decide to end it (and lack of sex/ his complex wouldbe more than enough reason however great he is otherwise) the disruption to your life will be less