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Original poster

Lovely new bf has very low sex drive

94 replies

hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 10:13

I've been with my bf for about four months now, and in most relationships I would imagine you have a lot of sex at this stage. This is not the case in ours and I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He is absolutely amazing in all other ways. Loving, kind, tidy, gentle etc. But he doesn't want nearly as much sex as I do.

I've got my DC's every other full week, and he hasn't met them yet so I only see him every other weeks. So two full weeks every month he stays at mine pretty much.

We didn't start out having a lot of sex, but still a few times a week, and he said it was because he didn't want to make me feel like that was all he was after.

We then went through a surge and it was great.

About a month ago I was feeling really up for it so I started telling him about what I wanted to do to him that night in a naughty way. He seemed up for it. Later in the evening he wanted nothing to do with it and told me it put him off having sex when it was me initiating it. Apparently, he has never had a girlfriend before who has initiated sex, it's always been him, so this was something new to him. (It crushed me as I hate the thought of things I do putting him off, and also that I quite like being the one initiating it.)

Ever since he told me, I've stopped mentioning to him when I've been feeling horny, and just waited for him to tell me he's been up for it.

Unfortunately this is nowhere near as much as I want to so we have sex once during our weeks together, so twice a month.

Yesterday morning, HE started talking about the sex we were going to have last night. I then joined in. But again, this put him off! It seems I'm not meant to mention it at all!

Anyway, I didn't make a big deal out of it, said I totally understand if he's not feeling up for it etc. And went to sleep, cuddled up together.

This morning he was feeling bad, because he knows it upsets me (even though I am trying to hide it).

I think I've got a weird relationship with sex, and I feel like he doesn't love me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Even though I know he does!

I'm just not sure how to move on from this? I can't have a conversation with him about this, as he doesn't like me mentioning sex and I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him.

But I'm not sure I can feel loved by someone who only wants sex twice a month? Especially this early on in the relationship....

We're both in our early thirties.

I realise I sound a bit like an ungrateful cow writing this....but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 03/03/2016 12:25

I lived this dynamic for five years, with the added joy of being asked what was wrong with me if HE initiated and I wasn't up for it.

It's a total no win situation. You can't initiate sex. You can't talk about sex or the issue. You can't respond freely and enthusiasticly when he does initiate. What does he want, a doll??

If you want to have a passive, shut down and controlled role in your sex life, that's your call. But I don't think you do, and this is NOT going to change.

Branleuse · 03/03/2016 12:33

Im sure noone thinks hes a horrible man. I certainly didnt get that impression.
It sounds like you get on in loads of ways, but are sexually incompatible

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 12:37

I will talk to him about it.

I was going to let him meet my DC's at the weekend but will put that off for a while now.

The sexual hang ups are the only issues though. Other than that he's perfect.

We like seeing a lot of each other, that's why he stays here a lot.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/03/2016 12:40

You dont actually know he is perfect OP. Its a brand new relationship. He sounds really nice in lots of ways, but if a fulfilling sex life is important to you, as it is for most people, then this isnt a minor concern. Its a great big glaring concern

snep · 03/03/2016 12:57

My Ex-P was exactly the same. Very low sex-drive, totally put off by me initiating, wouldn't join in if I was vocal about wanting sex. I stopped initiating and stopped talking about (or during) sex in the hope that the 'gently-gently' approach would help our sex life.

For years I thought he had intimacy or confidence problems and I went out of my way to "help" him (paying for couples therapy as well as therapy for him alone) while my own confidence was slowly eroded.

Ten years later we'd not had sex in over eight years and separated (he left me high and dry). But it wasn't just the sex that had changed. When we met he'd been kind, sensitive, responsible. By the end he was angry, withdrawn, and financially reckless. I was glad to be rid.

Sex drives differ from individual to individual, but I'd run a mile if a partner was "turned off" by me initiating sex or discussing sex ever again.

TheJiminyConjecture · 03/03/2016 12:59

I second the pp who said see him less. The problem with seeing him so much is its easy to slip into the 'been together ages" stage too quickly. That's without the added issues he has around your sex drive

DorothyBastard · 03/03/2016 13:00

My first thoughts on reading your OP was Madonna/Whore. My second thought was that he watches a lot of porn. Either way, if it's not good four months in I'd imagine it's unlikely to improve. Personally I'd end things with him and look for someone who respected my equality and sexuality.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 03/03/2016 13:00

The 'perfect' comments, and him staying all the nights he can at 4 months are red flags to me. And 4months is far to soon to involve DC with such a big issue around.

squishee · 03/03/2016 13:00

OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. I'm so glad I moved on from my ex. It's one thing for your BF to have this ishoo, but another for him not to tackle it. Why is he not the one worrying, and posting for help?

You shouldn't have to carry this burden alone, for the two of you. It will wear you down, especially if you lose sleep over it. Life's too short. Please LTBF.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2016 13:25

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Very wise words. As I said earlier.

love after 4 months??
Perfect? with this issue?
staying over after 4 months like that?

These are all massive red flags to me as well. Maybe take a step back and assess things? This sounds more like lust than love, without the lust bit you need.

MrsJorahMormont · 03/03/2016 13:40

I think you are fundamentally sexually incompatible. No matter how good the rest of your relationship is, this will kill it over time. I think Lanark's post is interesting so you could try a change of tack if you want and be less direct but the truth is if that is who you are, then find a man who will be turned on by your directness.

WaterAngel · 03/03/2016 13:44

Speaking as a person who has an utter disaster of a sex-life (none) due to incompatibility, I would walk away from this.

It shouldn't be like this, especially when you are in the position of having child-free time to have fun and explore each other.

I wouldn't be up for this kind of non-connection in any way, shape, or form.

It will make you miserable. Believe me, I know :(

Jan45 · 03/03/2016 13:52

Everyone is wonderful and great at four months, your relationship doesn't sound like either, you are so desperate for it to work out you are actually taking the blame for him having issues around sex and he clearly does OP, don't kid yourself, in fact a man like this would put me off having sex with him - he needs counselling.

I'd not be arsed at four months trying to fix his issue and in the meantime feel frustrated and walking on egg shells at the mere mention of sex - just weird.

Cabrinha · 03/03/2016 14:00

The problem isn't differing sex drives, it's not even being allowed to talk about that.

Life's too short. Move on.

CauliflowerBalti · 03/03/2016 14:08

I would feel hurt and rejected too. You should be able to express your needs and desires without being worried.

My interpretation - he can't deal with even the slightest bit of pressure to perform. You outlining what you would like to do, what you'd like him to do - it's too much for him. He's overthinking sex. I had an ex with performance anxiety and it took a loooong time for him to overcome it and maintain an erection long enough to penetrate. He just wanted it to be perfect - and this burning desire meant that it wasn't.

I don't necessarily think it means he has a controlling personality, or some deep dark secret that needs therapy to untangle. But you do need to talk. I'd just be very straightforward. 'Why does it make you feel uncomfortable if I initiate sex? I would like to be able to and it upsets me that I can't.

See what happens.

Duckdeamon · 03/03/2016 14:50

You can't possibly know if he's "perfect" after 4 months, and anyway, he's clearly not! He definitely shouldn't be meeting your DC anytime soon!

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 15:59

Ok, I can't know for sure. But judging by what I know about him so far, he seem perfect.

Whilst it's only been 4 months, it does feel a lot longer and I feel like I really know him.

OP posts:
CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade · 03/03/2016 16:21

I don't see what's wrong with spending half your time with a man you have been dating for a third of a year, or introducing him to your children at that stage, or feeling like you might have a firm grasp on who he is as a person. Think this fear of new relationships is a MN thing, rather than something carried out in RL.

Original poster
hejsvejs · 03/03/2016 16:29

Thanks Captain Smile

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 03/03/2016 16:29

most people are still on their best behavior 4 months in....takes a couple of years for the mask to fully slip

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade · 03/03/2016 16:41

No problem! I think four months is a good time to establish these things.

You can date someone for years and not find out everything about them, if they don't want you to know it. But you have to trust things and live in the moment. What else can you do?

That said, I do think this is a huge issue that you need to resolve before investing more energy in the relationship.

Jan45 · 03/03/2016 16:47

No offence but in four months you have discovered he's not perfect, he's got a right hang up about sex, without sex, there's no relationship, and more importantly, without being able to be yourself, there's no point in it.

4 months, sex twice a month and the last time you felt he was doing it just to please you - there are other men in the world you know........

Morasssassafras · 03/03/2016 17:52

This could be a subtle red flag op. My xh also didn't like me initiating (and that was anything that could even hint I might be in the mood because it made him feel pressured). I thought he was perfect too. He wasn't, he was just very good at pretending to be my ideal man until he could erode my self esteem so I didn't see the abuse as abuse.

I'm not saying ltb, just know the red flags and be aware.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

ACatastrophicMisintepretation · 03/03/2016 18:09

Cauliflower you have said exactly what I was trying to, just much better!

springydaffs · 03/03/2016 18:25

I'd run a mile if a partner was "turned off" by me initiating sex or discussing sex ever again.

This. In spades.

It doesn't matter how I look at this, the way he is about sex - and you and sex - is very bad news indeed.