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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband abusive

33 replies

weepingwillow234 · 01/03/2016 19:48

Example: I dropped a jar out of fridge and it smashed (apricot jam). He immediately gets hoover out shoves dog in living room so he doesn't get glass in paws. While he still hovering says to me just spray the floor with some kitchen cleaner would you "chick" (this is what he always calls me).

Another example: He is taking dog for a walk gets the lead out and forgets poo bag so says can you just pass me a bag (no please) just like am being ordered around when he could do it himself.

He seems to criticise everything as well. My friends, other drivers, work colleagues etc. He is a very driven individual with a very good job but sometimes he makes me so frustrated and unhappy with the things that he does.

Not sure if this makes any sense just needed a rant

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 01/03/2016 19:56

He sounds like a disrespectful man from what you have said.

thedancingbear · 01/03/2016 19:57

No, of course he isn't. He may be a bit brusque on occasion.

RhombusRiley · 01/03/2016 20:16

The first two don't sound bad in themselves but if he is taking a bossy, nasty tone with you then I can see why it would start to get you down. I wouldn't expect someone to say please if they asked in a nice friendly way IYSWIM.

The criticism isn't good though.

RoganJosh · 01/03/2016 20:21

The first one, he's helping clear up a mess that you made and you're objecting to being asked to help?
With the second, I think 'can you' replaces the 'please' so I don't mind that either. It's only passing a bag so isn't a massive favour.

It's hard to say with the rest.

Gabilan · 01/03/2016 20:21

I'd pull him up on the "chick". It may be affectionate but it would bug me. But unless there's a lot more going on, I agree with pp that he sounds brusque, not abusive.

BloodyDogHairs · 01/03/2016 20:23

The 2 examples you have given don't sound abusive. Yesterday I said to my OH "gimme a poo bag" when we were out with the dog's and poo needed picked up, I don't see what's so bad about that.

queenofthepirates · 01/03/2016 20:23

Doesn't sound abusive from what you have described but if you're not happy, you perhaps need to tell him how you feel?

OliviaDunham · 01/03/2016 20:25

Doesn't sound abusive at all, if he's making you unhappy that's a decision you have to make for yourself though in regards to staying with him.

Penfold007 · 01/03/2016 20:51

You are being ironic aren't you?

You dropped a jar of jam and the dog was vulnerable. H helps and injury avoided.

H asks a questions. You pass him a pooh bag or not. Your choice

What's the real issue?

LineyReborn · 01/03/2016 20:54

No that doesn't sound abusive as you've told it.

I don't know how anyone hoovers up smashed apricot jam, though.

OliviaDunham · 01/03/2016 20:56

Limey you pick up the worst of it and Hoover up the rest (I'm always bloody dropping things!)

Vixxfacee · 01/03/2016 20:57

No not abusive.

OliviaDunham · 01/03/2016 20:59

Sorry Liney not Limey

LineyReborn · 01/03/2016 21:01

You're thinking about that lime marmalade you dropped, right?

Sparkletastic · 01/03/2016 21:02

No

Only1scoop · 01/03/2016 21:04

He cleared up your mess....

Moved the dog....

And you think he's abusive?

OliviaDunham · 01/03/2016 21:07

Must be Liney Smile

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/03/2016 22:21

He doesn't sound abusive, no.

But if his manner doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you. You can ask to be treated with more overt politeness, or find someone else who does.

Marchate · 02/03/2016 00:21

Your examples aren't really tying in with your question

Do you feel threatened by him? Frightened of what he'll say or do? Abuse isn't about actions so much as intent

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 06:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/03/2016 08:22

Have you never asked your dh to pass you something?

If asking you to pass him a dog poo bag is a regular occurence, is there any reason why you can't respond with 'they're in/on' wherever they're kept so he can pick one up himself?

What is your term of endearment for him, or don't you have one?

OTheHugeManatee · 02/03/2016 08:30

Based on your two examples, no he isn't.

But you can be unhappy in a relationship without your partner being abusive.

firesidechat · 02/03/2016 08:49

If those are the worst examples you can think of, then no your husband is not abusive. We don't always say please and thank you when in a rush. Nothing wrong with the clearing up story either. My husband can be a bit moany about other people and so can I , if I'm honest. Neither of us are abusive.

However if you find those things as difficult as you suggest, then maybe you aren't all that compatible. Are you very sensitive?

TheNaze73 · 02/03/2016 09:18

I do not understand this whatsoever. He sounds abrupt but, not abusive

Topseyt · 02/03/2016 09:26

Sounds abrupt but not abusive to me.

I'd be impressed if my DH did that bit of sweeping up after I had dropped something. He is doing a fair bit of that at the moment as I have a broken right arm.