Is my husband abusive

[weepingwillow234]

Example: I dropped a jar out of fridge and it smashed (apricot jam). He immediately gets hoover out shoves dog in living room so he doesn't get glass in paws. While he still hovering says to me just spray the floor with some kitchen cleaner would you "chick" (this is what he always calls me).

Another example: He is taking dog for a walk gets the lead out and forgets poo bag so says can you just pass me a bag (no please) just like am being ordered around when he could do it himself.

He seems to criticise everything as well. My friends, other drivers, work colleagues etc. He is a very driven individual with a very good job but sometimes he makes me so frustrated and unhappy with the things that he does.

Not sure if this makes any sense just needed a rant

[YesAnastasia]

You'd need to elaborate OP. Those examples are absolutely acceptable ways to interact with your spouse IMO.

In fact, if my DH rushed in to help clean up after my accident & care for the DC or dog I'd be getting my vows renewed.

I'm sorry you're unhappy. Perhaps more examples & explanations of how they make you feel will help you get to the bottom of this.

[Jux]

I'd object to 'chick'. Does he listen to you if he upsets you and make the effort to change? If you were to say "please don't call me chick, I hate it" would he stop?

[firesidechat]

How on earth do you come to that conclusion Concerned?

[Concerned97]

God he sounds like a man I work with!!! Massive dick head! I hands my notice in yesterday!!

[Error404usernamenotfound]

Doesn't sound abusive to me. However, the first example would rankle with me slightly, if it felt like he was just taking over under the assumption that I couldn't do it myself. It's the difference between him doing something to help eg removing dog from harm and then helping you clear up the mess, and him bustling you out of the way and telling you what to do because he's automatically the one in charge, IYSWIM. From your OP it's not all that clear which it is.

The second example I think depends on the tone of voice as much as anything; 'please' isn't always necessary with someone close to you as long as the tone of voice is respectful. Again, if he'd just barked an order at you, that would be different.

People who are overly critical of others are very hard to be around, as you can feel constantly on edge, knowing that a remark may come your way at any time. This isn't automatically abusive though, unless it's the tip of the iceberg, and he may well just not be aware of how he comes across. If he has a high-powered job he may just be so used to telling others what to do that it's affected his behaviour outside work. Is this a new thing with him, or has he always been very brusque?

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

Reading back what you've written OP, does he sound abusive to you?

If that's a good example of how he treats you then he isn't abusive.

[Chinesealan]

Give more examples.

[hellsbellsmelons]

From what you have posted - NO he isn't abusive.
But... I'm imagining this is probably the tip of the iceberg?
Does he get angry and shout?
How does he criticise your friends?
I he happy when you go out with your friends or does he 'punish' you if you do that?
Does he criticise your family?

[Topseyt]

Sounds abrupt but not abusive to me.

I'd be impressed if my DH did that bit of sweeping up after I had dropped something. He is doing a fair bit of that at the moment as I have a broken right arm.

[TheNaze73]

I do not understand this whatsoever. He sounds abrupt but, not abusive

[firesidechat]

If those are the worst examples you can think of, then no your husband is not abusive. We don't always say please and thank you when in a rush. Nothing wrong with the clearing up story either. My husband can be a bit moany about other people and so can I , if I'm honest. Neither of us are abusive.

However if you find those things as difficult as you suggest, then maybe you aren't all that compatible. Are you very sensitive?

[OTheHugeManatee]

Based on your two examples, no he isn't.

But you can be unhappy in a relationship without your partner being abusive.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Have you never asked your dh to pass you something?

If asking you to pass him a dog poo bag is a regular occurence, is there any reason why you can't respond with 'they're in/on' wherever they're kept so he can pick one up himself?

What is your term of endearment for him, or don't you have one?

[Marchate]

Your examples aren't really tying in with your question

Do you feel threatened by him? Frightened of what he'll say or do? Abuse isn't about actions so much as intent

[RiceCrispieTreats]

He doesn't sound abusive, no.

But if his manner doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you. You can ask to be treated with more overt politeness, or find someone else who does.

[OliviaDunham]

Must be Liney

[Only1scoop]

He cleared up your mess....

Moved the dog....

And you think he's abusive?

[Sparkletastic]

No

[LineyReborn]

You're thinking about that lime marmalade you dropped, right?

[OliviaDunham]

Sorry Liney not Limey

[Vixxfacee]

No not abusive.

[OliviaDunham]

Limey you pick up the worst of it and Hoover up the rest (I'm always bloody dropping things!)

[LineyReborn]

No that doesn't sound abusive as you've told it.

I don't know how anyone hoovers up smashed apricot jam, though.

[Penfold007]

You are being ironic aren't you?

You dropped a jar of jam and the dog was vulnerable. H helps and injury avoided.

H asks a questions. You pass him a pooh bag or not. Your choice

What's the real issue?