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Original poster

Very Private Significant Other

82 replies

georgiatraher · 01/03/2016 13:46

My boyfriend is very very private, to the extent that it is starting to bother me.

He is very careful about PDA and never gives me more than a peck on the lips in public. He does introduce me as his gf to other people, but is not affectionate in public. In private it's different, he's more affectionate and loving, but I wish he'd show it in front of others. The worst part is if I go to kiss him or touch him he will pull away from me, which everyone else reads as rejection of me (although I know he doesnt feel that way).

He is generally private about his feelings as well. He tends to tell his close female friends more than me, or that's what it feels like. His mother recently went into hospital and he didnt tell me about it for a while. I know there's nothing I can do about that situation but he's pushing me away emotionally when I try to help by cooking him dinner or doing all the chores for him. "there's nothing you can do." is a hurtful phrase he's used. It all stems from his overly private side of him.

If I try to approach these subjects he makes out like I am trying to change him.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/03/2016 15:55

So not expecting your b/f to reject, abandon or brush you off in public is now needy and clingy!

'In social situations he'll cuddle up to one of our friends rather than me.'

And this is normal?

OTheHugeManatee · 01/03/2016 15:56

He sounds horrible and cold.

Get out, OP, and find someone who reciprocates in a way that meets your needs.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/03/2016 16:01

He's not private. He's mean I discarded lots of ruder words first . He's emotionally and physically unavailable. It's not a healthy relationship at all.

It's not demanding to expect your partner to at least treat you as well as he treats his friends in public. And it's not needy to expect someone that you have been with for a year to tell you his DM is in hospital and share his feelings. Withholding affection and emotional connection is cruel, blaming you for it is even worse.

I don't think he is a keeper OP. Let him have his physical and emotional connection with his friends and you can find someone who is nice to you both in public and in private.

Original poster
georgiatraher · 01/03/2016 16:04

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Certainly, that's a problem on my side, but I'd feel less like I need to mark my territory if he gave me a little affection.

I don't want this to come off wrong to everyone.

If I do walk up to him at a party. I don't leap on him or snog him. I do what he asks, I'm more subtle. I put a hand on his shoulder or stroke his arm and join the conversation. That's not that bad from my perspective but he will pull away even from that.

And he's so stressed about his mum being in hospital atm, I feel so selfish when I feel bad about him not talking with me. He needs to de stress and turn off. On Sunday night he played video games to switch his brain off, didnt want to talk about anything and I just went to bed. I understand not wanting to talk about something stressful you've been dealing with all day... and because of the situation I can't bring it up atm that would be unfeeling.

OP posts:
EchoOfADistantTide · 01/03/2016 16:06

He's conditioned you to put his "needs" above yours every single time.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 01/03/2016 16:11

I know of a similarish situation where the male in the relationship is very turned off by the neediness of the female, and responds very badly to ramped up PDA. He finds it clingy, possessive, stifling and anxiety provoking. I have tried explaining to him that he needs to give a little to increase the female's sense of security in the relationship. He struggles with this and feels anxious and under pressure and as though he is entirely responsible for her happiness. If your partner doesn't like PDAs, respect that, don't force it. If they bring a Chinese guest to dinner, speak to them in English and behave sociably. Making your relationship all about 'he must do this and must not do this' is a fast way to destroy it.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 01/03/2016 16:14

If your relationship needs are so different, you may be better off moving on though, I hate to say... it doesn't sound as though you make each other very happy.

Jan45 · 01/03/2016 16:14

My dad is in hospital, I don't treat my partner the way yours treats yours - fact is, you are at the bottom of the priority list, in fact, he won't even engage with you.

I think it's time to forget about trying to work him out and work out why you think so little of yourself that you think this normal and acceptable, it's so very is not!

oldlaundbooth · 01/03/2016 16:17

If I was dating a guy and he cuddled up to another woman there is only one place I would be - out of the door.

You don't need this OP, find a guy who wants to cuddle you and only you in public and in private!

Headofthehive55 · 01/03/2016 16:19

I think he is choosing to portray himself as not attached emotionally to you in public.

It's not sounding like a healthy relationship, but a very convenient one, for him.

I've witnessed the sort of relationship you describe, but listened to the man moan about his girlfriend, couldn't bring himself to tell her it was over apparently because, well he didn't want to hurt her so sort of froze her out. He would describe how she was clingy, needed too much pda, and all the time made himself out to be almost the victim! When they finally split up he had no such problems with pda with the next girlfriend. Sorry.

He may not actually realise it himself. See him very little for a couple of weeks, don't do anything for him, hardly contact him, just be very very busy. Review it then.

Original poster
georgiatraher · 01/03/2016 16:31

Honestly, can't tell you all how helpful it is to hear all of your opinions and views.

Early on I threatened breaking up when this arose, I then got exactly the level of affection I expect. < YAH I know how that sounds.

But I'm very wary of playing the game of distance to get what I want. Also it doesnt work. :P A mutual friend of our recently broke up with her bf and was a bit teary at a gathering. She walked off to compose herself and he imediately went to comfort her with a bottle of prosecco in hand.

If I've felt jealous or upset in public situations and am trying not to use PDA to get his attention back on me, if I walk off, he doesnt even notice I've gone. Hmmm

OP posts:
IrritableBitchSyndrome · 01/03/2016 16:47

I think you need different amounts of space/affection. I'm wary of attributing this to either of you as a 'fault', but you just don't sound well matched, I'm afraid...

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2016 16:52

"People who know us ask if we are fighting at parties."
Well, that's pretty significant to me. Sad

Sorry, I know I'm a cynic, but my thoughts on your posts were that he is affectionate in private to keep you on board, but in public he is making it clear to everyone else that he is still on the market. Going after your teary-just-broke-up friend (for which I would add the words 'vulnerable' and 'manipulable') with a bottle of prosecco sounds very - opportunistic. Bleugh.

Stormtreader · 01/03/2016 16:54

I am friends with a couple who are very much independent and not-PDA people, but they will still do the odd "glance over to check in, pull a funny face" type activities, sometimes the odd shoulder squeeze as theyre going past. The options arent just "huge make-out session or nothing".

MatrixReloaded · 01/03/2016 17:13

I'm not buying the selfless "nice guy" image. He's not putting other people first , he's putting himself first. It's not heroic of him to snuggle other women so they don't feel uncomfortable. It's just inappropriate and disrespectful. Who are these women who allegedly will feel uncomfortable if they don't get snuggles from someone else's partner ? Bollocks. He's not providing a public service.

He isn't a private person and he doesn't have a problem with pdas. He's open with other people and clearly has no problem being publicly affectionate with others. This is no reflection on you by the way.

If my boyfriend wanted to ignore me and play fucking games all night I'd have cheerily left and made plans to do something else. Your time is valuable. I also wouldn't be cleaning for someone who ignored me in public and snuggled other women in front of me. Let him clear his own shit up.

Choceclair123 · 01/03/2016 17:14

Agree with pp. nothing wrong with you he's just taking the piss.

MatrixReloaded · 01/03/2016 17:27

I agree with Whereyouleftit. I also thought yuck.

Seems he cares what everyone thinks of him , except you.

Claraoswald36 · 01/03/2016 19:31

I don't think you are right for each other. I would find a lot of his behaviour very very hurtful. Wouldn't work for me. He is trying to change you as well as you him

Headofthehive55 · 01/03/2016 19:35

Your game of distance doesn't work because he's not that bothered. He's showing you he's not interested!

You can't make someone want you.

Whereyouleftit. Spot on.

Headofthehive55 · 01/03/2016 19:39

At parties he should be the one guarding you so other men don't think you are available!

That's what pda us about. Standing close to you. Holding your hand. Arm round you. Watch others at parties. A lot of men don't realise they are doing it. But it's a protective instinct guarding what's theirs if you like. Animals do it too. With proximity.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2016 19:53

Whether he's a nasty man who is feeding his ego by torturing you to see just how muchshit you will eat, or a drippy confrontation-avoider who is hoping you will get the hint and just piss off this man does not love or care for you. He is not the right partner for you. He has no respect for you.

Why are you putting up with this? Were you raised on stories of how women 'win' a man by grovelling and hoping and praying? It's not going to work. The more you beg and clutch and pursue, the more contempt you will get from him. FFS bin him and move along.

Cabrinha · 01/03/2016 21:55

He's not into you, so bin him off. He doesn't sound very nice.

But I'm Hmm that you "tore him a new one" because he invited a fellow Chinese friend to Chinese New Year dinner when her plans fell through, because you're white and earn less money Confused Seriously, you had a go at him about that? His friend, and a celebration that's important to many Chinese?
How would you feel if he didn't want you to invite a single WHITE Shock friend to Xmas dinner? Why do you get to tear him a new one for that?

He sounds pretty dire, but you sound possessive.

Hissy · 01/03/2016 22:08

Love, all of this is irrelevant.

You and he are not suited. Not at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2016 22:37

Cabrinha my reading of "Did not consider that bringing his bi lingual chinese doctor female friend to a dinner where his white low income GF sits in silence." was that OP's boyfriend, friend and mother were all sat chatting in Chinese and OP was excluded from the conversation since she was sitting there in silence.

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2016 22:45

At parties he should be the one guarding you so other men don't think you are available!

Really? Did I miss that we're not still in the 1950's? I really don't need guarding and I'm very glad my dh has never felt the need to behave in such a manner.

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