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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very Private Significant Other

82 replies

georgiatraher · 01/03/2016 13:46

My boyfriend is very very private, to the extent that it is starting to bother me.

He is very careful about PDA and never gives me more than a peck on the lips in public. He does introduce me as his gf to other people, but is not affectionate in public. In private it's different, he's more affectionate and loving, but I wish he'd show it in front of others. The worst part is if I go to kiss him or touch him he will pull away from me, which everyone else reads as rejection of me (although I know he doesnt feel that way).

He is generally private about his feelings as well. He tends to tell his close female friends more than me, or that's what it feels like. His mother recently went into hospital and he didnt tell me about it for a while. I know there's nothing I can do about that situation but he's pushing me away emotionally when I try to help by cooking him dinner or doing all the chores for him. "there's nothing you can do." is a hurtful phrase he's used. It all stems from his overly private side of him.

If I try to approach these subjects he makes out like I am trying to change him.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/03/2016 15:12

I hear you OP, very affectionate and all over you in private and then in public, can't get you far enough away from him - this is almost worse, he appears to have a split personality, it has nothing to do with country of origin, it's his choice to be this way.

Personally it would put me off taking things further but I don't see him changing, there's something really unnerving about the way he acts.

TwoMag314s · 01/03/2016 15:13

He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. His public persona is still single man, all hang out in a big gang. But at home, in private with you he'll be a boyfriend.

I can't believe you're doing his chores for him.

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2016 15:14

If you're constantly trying to force affection on him I can understand why he walks away. I wonder whether you're actually compatible or not. He doesn't seem to be able to give you the level of affection you want.

Jan45 · 01/03/2016 15:15

He may have what he thinks is a reasonable reason for his behaviour for every eventuality, I think the reality of the situation for you is he is making you feel disrespected - I know I would hate this and not stick around, the minute he started ignoring me I'd be off.

Original poster
georgiatraher · 01/03/2016 15:18

Gah this is so useful!

Even just to puzzle out how I really feel about all of this. Thank you so much for your advice so far everyone!

Regardless of PDAs, what about privacy about how he's feeling? I'm a very open person, So I don't know how to react to someone who is stony faced and obviously upset. Any advice on how to approach someone who is introverted about their feelings?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/03/2016 15:23

Seriously, I'd move on from him and find a partner that is proud to be seen with me, you're not a counsellor, tell him it's not for you, even folk have noticed, no doubt speculating on your relationship anyway, move on OP, find your equal.

wannaBe · 01/03/2016 15:25

But do people assume that you're fighting because of your reaction to him not being publically affectionate rather than because of how he acts iyswim? If you're trying to assert your territory by trying to get too close to him and ramping up the affection in public it can look a bit desperate, especially if you're doing it in response to him talking to other women you'd come across as very possessive and I might assume that you were fighting if he walked away from that because I'd think it pissed him off.

TBH couples who are all over each other in public are incredibly a bit cringeworthy. My DP will put an arm around me or squeeze my hand in public but really anything more than that and you run the risk of making the people around you feel uncomfortable and as if they should look away. Especially excessive kissing in public, why do you need to show the world you're together? More to the point, why does the world want to see you snogging - yuck.

TBH though it sounds as if you are different people. You are clearly very demonstrative and he clearly isn't. While PDa's aren't for everyone, if that's your thing then you're going to seek out someone who is similar. Equally though if PDA's aren't your thing then the idea of someone being all. Over you when all you want to do is curl up and hide would be excruciating.

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2016 15:25

I think Jan45 is right. He is choosing to do this. If he was like it all the time, although not ideal by any strectch, it would be better. Don't compromise your principles here. If you're not getting all you need from this then walk.

EmGee · 01/03/2016 15:25

I had a boyfriend (in my early 20s) who was Indian. He used to walk about ten feet ahead of me in the street. It took him ages and ages to hold my hand. It was definitely a cultural thing for him.

What is a red flag for me in your case, is the fact that he 'cuddles' up to someone else when you are out, and doesn't act like he is in an exclusive relationship with you.

I agree with others who say you can't change him and if PDAs are not his things, so be it. You have to decide it you can live with that or not.

But there is a difference between the way friends act together and couples. I would want those little signals to be present in public even if there were no obvious cuddles, hugs etc. I'm thinking affectionate glances, smiles etc, the way someone looks at you in that special way - does he do that?

Annarose2014 · 01/03/2016 15:25

I think you're just not suited. He may be a sweet guy, but the relationship you're describing would be like the death of a thousand cuts for me.

GarlicShake · 01/03/2016 15:27

I was married to one of these, georgia. Not Chinese, very 'private' as he liked to say. My advice is run away from any relationship that doesn't fill your emotional needs. Do not try to change your perfectly reasonable & normal character.

I realised fairly soon that he wasn't telling anyone he was married. And that the reasons for this were what Mumsnet would expect Angry

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2016 15:28

I think he is, for whatever reason, trying to give you the message indirectly that he doesn't love you, doesn't consider you his girlfriend and wants you to piss off and leave him alone. I am actually beginning to wonder if he's told you this and you have refused to listen. I'm getting a picture of you following him around bleating for attention, acting like a servant, sulking, whining, apologising and begging for attention some more - WTF do you get out of this? Are you really desperate not to be single, is he the shag of the century, or are you one of those people who has to 'win' at all costs?

TwoMag314s · 01/03/2016 15:32

"My mum is in hospital" isn't feelings. It's an update, and one which he gave to his friends, but not to you.

Honestly, back away. Clean up your own house! Cook yourself something nice!

GarlicShake · 01/03/2016 15:34

I'm getting a picture of you following him around bleating for attention, acting like a servant, sulking, whining, apologising and begging for attention

This kind of relationship turns you into one of those people. Once it has, it's very easy for the withholding partner to persuade everyone else that he has to carve out personal space away from your 'neediness'. It makes him look like a saint.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2016 15:35

I think he sounds absolutely horrible. He's happy to be affectionate towards you when you're on your own (presumably then he can have sex, too) but is happy for you to feel uneasy about your relationship when he's in public with you, ignoring you, inviting other women along etc. He doesn't put you first. He says he is thinking of the underdog, while treating you as the underdog. I'm wincing reading how he treats you.

In my opinion, you shouldn't be in a relationship with a man who doesn't put you first.

Jan45 · 01/03/2016 15:35

He tends to tell his close female friends more than me

And I bet they knew about his mum being in hospital before you knew also. Just isn't adding up I'm afraid, you were not important enough to tell but he's happy for you to run about cooking meals for him now huh....

I think you need to stop seeing these actions as him being private and therefore accepting these scenarios that are hurting you - you matter just as much as him OP!

EchoOfADistantTide · 01/03/2016 15:37

Sorry, I think he's taking the piss.

Won't show you any affection in front of other people, but will cuddle up to other "friends" in front of you? Fuck that.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 01/03/2016 15:41

So if he has to act as translator for his mum, does that mean he is from a different cultural/ethnic or religious background? That might just be the key to why he struggles with PDAs. Perhaps he has been brought up in an environment where it is frowned upon?

wannaBe · 01/03/2016 15:44

I agree that his mum being in hospital isn't feelings. I tell my dp everything if something significant happened such as a parent being admitted to hospital I would ring him at work even though I don't normally. He would know before anyone else other than DS. And I am someone who doesn't talk about my feelings per se.

By him not telling you significant things about his life he is not including you in his life.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2016 15:47

I'd missed that, that he's cuddling up to other people but brushing you off in public.

Think about this, OP. It's a cruel way to behave and then, when you respond by being more affectionate, he brushes you off even harder. It's really horrible.

oldlaundbooth · 01/03/2016 15:50

'In social situations he'll cuddle up to one of our friends rather than me.'

Hmm

It's a 'no' from me.

oldlaundbooth · 01/03/2016 15:51

'Overly private side'?

AKA sleeping with other people.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 01/03/2016 15:51

Ok so are you a bit clingy and needy to him in public? Does the fact that his friends seem to be a) female b) successful professionals c) from the same (Chinese?) culture as him, make you feel a bit left out and insecure? Because if so, perhaps you are being a bit needy in public and constantly trying to 'mark your territory' by hanging onto him to show people you are together?

Maybe he finds it draining? I might be wrong but is it a possibility?

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2016 15:54

In social situations he'll cuddle up to one of our friends rather than me. because he doesn't like making single people uncomfortable in those situations

He manages to twist things quite well, doesn't he? He doesn't mind making you - his girlfriend - feel uncomfortable, does he? Yet he'll find a single woman to cuddle so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable?

This isn't the sort of boyfriend you need.

Why not think of a couple with a really healthy relationship? Think how they interact. Think of how he puts her first and she puts him first. Now think of him flinching when she touches him in public - he wouldn't do that, would he? What would he do? Think about it. Then find yourself someone who does the same. You have a very unhealthy relationship with this man and your thinking is at risk of becoming skewed.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2016 15:55

nevertake, she clings in response to his pushing away.