A family friend of DH’s who lives abroad (best friend of his older sister) came to stay with us three weeks ago when she was in London for business. We don’t/didn’t know her that well, but as she’s such a long standing friend of SIL, we wanted to honour SIl’s friendship with her and put her up so she didn’t have to pay for a hotel in London.
We showed her a good time, took her out for some nice meals, and spent quite a lot of our family time with her. It was the first time she had met our DC and she made a beeline for our DD (2yrs) who is very friendly and open. While she was here, she repeatedly asked if she could take DD out alone. We made excuses – mostly because we knew that DD usually cries when she is left with someone she doesn’t know and we didn’t want this woman to feel awkward – until the last day we agreed she could take DD for a walk around the park for 20 mins , and things seemed to be okay. We enjoyed her company too and we made a real effort and waved her off a few weeks ago agreeing that we’d pop in on her, next time we are in the country where she lives. We envisaged that would be in a couple of years time, if at all.
Since she left she has been repeatedly emailing me saying that she misses us, and misses DD most of all. I’ve replied a little bit saying hope she’s doing well, but really not encouraging a dialogue. There have been so many messages that I have actually just ignored a few because they just say things like "I am missing XXX (Dd's name) so much...." and I really can't think of what to say to that considering she has met DD once.
Last week she contacted me again saying she is due back in the UK and wants to stay with us again. While we liked her, we have no desire to share our house again for another week with someone we have to entertain. We no longer have a spare room, either, so it was a perfect excuse. I told her (and now regret this) that unless she was prepared to sleep on the hard floor, we had absolutely no room and we were really sorry but we could not put her up.
Obviously she replied saying she was prepared to sleep on the floor.
DH and I deliberated and decided to tell her that it was really not convenient for us, we would be very busy most days and staying away from the house for a few nights this week (this is technically true.) That if she really had nowhere else to go, she could sleep on the floor for maybe two nights, and get the key from one of our neighbours to let herself in.
She replied saying her business trip was very flexible so she would wait until we returned the week after, and come for a week then.
I didn’t reply to this message. She’s followed up with a few other messages explaining that her priority is to spend time with us and alone time with DD.
I’m starting to find it all a bit weird. Dh wants to give her the benefit of the doubt because he’s known her (via his DSis) forever and she’s a family friend. We also don’t want to upset Dsis by rejecting her friend. Both she and Dsis are unmarried and childless and DH’s other point is that it’s quite likely she is lonely and just wants to be part of a family atmosphere.
I also found out today that she had given the impression to DD's childminder (when she met her, as she was living in our house!) that she was DD's second mother and extremely close to DD. And that she (the childminder) didn't really need to be around if she (SIL's best friend) was there to take care of DD, and actually suggested she go home! Although this was an "impression" given, not a direct quote.
Also, the culture that DH, SIL and she are from pride themselves on their “hospitality” and DH said that she would probably not consider it abnormal if we just turned up to the city she lives in and expect bed and board.
Regardless, I am now uncomfortable with her obsession with DD and her focus on spending intense time with us where we are forced into a position of giving her attention. I know that allowing her to stay and then passive aggressively not giving her the same treatment as last time or refusing to let her be alone with DD will just be confusing behaviour for her, so I have to be clear and kind.
Sometimes when I see threads about how to tell someone something, a poster comes up with an ingenious way to phrase something that I would never have thought of, which doesn’t cause offence, and I’m hoping someone can help me out here with some phrasing or boundary setting I can use…
If I repeatedly say it is inconvenient, she will just postpone until the next time