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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To marry or not to marry that is the question.

69 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 19:25

Or more I want to marry and he doesn't! We have been together for over 12 yrs now and have 2 boys, he says he wants to get married but not yet, realistically if he hasn't asked by now he never will. I know it's not something I can force and I wouldn't want to anyway, no point if he doesn't want to. My question is when this is such a big part of how I imagined my future how do I move on from it. How do I accept this different path for me. I love him and want to be completely happy with how our family is now but the idea of marriage pops back into my mind every 6 months to a year and really gets me down, I don't want it to spoil our relationship. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SuperKingDuvet · 29/02/2016 19:32

Why would he marry, he has everything how he likes it, doesn't he?!

Cabrinha · 29/02/2016 19:35

I wouldn't say there's no point to marriage.
There's a lot of point legally.
What kind of bollocks is it to say he wants to but not yet? 12 years and 2 kids in, what's he waiting for?

My advice is, if you want to be married and you're the financially weaker party - tell him to sort out a suit, you're getting hitched. If you're stronger financially I'd just be happy you're not married.

I'm marrying a widower - he receives a widower's state pension which was a godsend keeping his head above water raising his kids when their mum died. Wouldn't your boyfriend rather his sons had that financial help?

Piemernator · 29/02/2016 19:36

What age are your DC and what is your financial set up?

Don't get fixated on the love aspect get fixated on the practical stuff.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 29/02/2016 19:37

I think you need to understand why he doesn't want to marry. Has he said why?

firesidechat · 29/02/2016 19:38

I hate threads like this. It's so pathetic (not you op). When exactly does he think he will be ready if 12 years and 2 children isn't enough? He should be honest with you and say that he doesn't want to get married because he obviously doesn't.

Sorry op, but I have no words of comfort.

LastOneDancing · 29/02/2016 19:38

'Not yet'?!! WTF is he waiting for??

Does he know how much it would mean to you?

firesidechat · 29/02/2016 19:42

What I will say to anyone not yet as far along as the op is, if you want to get married then be with a man who wants to get married too and do it before you have children. Obviously not everyone wants to get married which is fine, but if you do then make the right choices early on.

RiceCrispieTreats · 29/02/2016 19:43

Marriage is pretty much a necessity if you have children. It's nothing to do with romance: it's a financial contract to protect the kids and the financially weaker party.

CultureSucksDownWords · 29/02/2016 19:45

Why doesn't he want to get married? "Not ready" isn't a real reason. If he isn't opposed to the whole concept of marriage then can he explain what exactly he's waiting for?

If he can't, then I'd tell him that you're planning the wedding and would he like to say what he'd prefer to do?

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 29/02/2016 19:47

Yeah, firesidechat I agree with you. I was with someone for 12 years too. No kids with him but he was reluctant to marry. There was always a reason - too expensive etc etc. Turned out he just didn't want to make that commitment to me.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 19:55

Sorry I don't think I have phrased this post very clearly, without going into my past I have hurt him in the past and I know he still has trust issues, I really don't blame him for not wanting to be married. The main issue is how I feel abd how to manage those feelings. I get fixated on ideas, I always thought I would be married in my 20's pre children, we had children much earlier than planned so I had to accept that change, part of me hopes that when I turn 30 next year I will be able to see that my plan could never have been. I know it is me being totally silly and romantic, I was bought up a Christian and still have a faith myself (although I am a rubbish example) but I know that it won't happen I just don't know how to get my heart to accept what my head already knows. Sorry to ramble, I guess all the leap year propels on Facebook have set me off.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 29/02/2016 19:58

If he isn't opposed to the whole idea of marriage, and he wants to stay with you, then it isn't clear why he doesn't want to get married soon. Can he articulate it? Would he have been ok with marriage before whatever happened in the past?

pocketsaviour · 29/02/2016 19:58

Well whatever has happened in the past, by staying with you and having two children he has pretty much thrown his lot in, hasn't he. I'd suggest if he doesn't want to actually marry that you see a solicitor together to draw up papers to protect each others' legal rights in the event of death, serious illness, or separation.

VulcanWoman · 29/02/2016 19:59

I just don't know what the hell's the matter with some Men. Sorry OP.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 29/02/2016 20:00

In what way did you hurt him? Cheated on him or just he's a jealous knob? I, like others have said, would be telling him this was happening or jumping ship I think.

GnomeDePlume · 29/02/2016 20:15

Have you talked to him about this or, shock, horror, asked him? Properly asked him. If you ask him then he should be able to see how much this means to you.

Did you discuss having children before you had them? If you are happy and planning to stay together then getting married is a far less life-changing decision than having children.

If we had waited for my DH to be bothered enough we probably wouldnt be married now. Instead, I asked him and we have now been married nearly 25 years. Getting married was not that important to him but he could see that it was important to me.

TheNaze73 · 29/02/2016 20:21

Has he ever said why he doesn't fancy it? Are his parents divorced?

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 21:10

I don't know culture, he always implies he would have been, even said he had a ring at one point. I hurt him when we were both at uni, after our first child before our second. We separated due to struggling to balance family and uni, our uni's were hundreds of miles apart, during our time apart we both made mistakes mine bigger than his but without outing myself I can't really say anymore.
Gnome we do try and talk about it, I always get emotional which doesn't help, he says that I think he won't listen to my needs but that if we got married I wouldn't be listening to his and inaction is better than the wrong action. I don't think he trusts me and I don't think he ever will whatever I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 21:11

Yes the naze they are, got divorced as soon as he had finished school which hasn't helped things.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 29/02/2016 21:28

I was just wondering that. The past & that may be part of his reluctance.

HeddaGarbled · 29/02/2016 21:31

He is punishing you for whatever happened in the past.

Relationship counselling or split up. Don't let this nasty dynamic continue.

I bet if you call it quits, he'll say, I'm ready to marry you now. He's dangling this carrot just out of your reach and you will chase it and chase it and humiliate and demean yourself scrabbling after it and then one day you will wake up and say, actually, I don't want it and then he'll say, here's your carrot, I was always going to give it to you one day. But it will be too little, too late, and it will taste bitter.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 21:44

Hedda I think part of it is punishing me for what I did, whether consciously or not I'm not sure but one thing I am sure of is that if I gave him an ultimatum he still wouldn't marry me, he is about as stubborn as they come. I think relationship counselling is a good option, I know he still resents me and that is an uneasy feeling, I know I hurt him but I don't see how we can move forwards if he still resents me. I however am equally stubborn and will not give up on this relationship when it still has a fighting chance of surviving and indeed thriving even if it isn't in the way I imagined.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 29/02/2016 21:46

And with regards to the carrot coming a little too late. I suspect that may be the case, I feel that I want to come to terms with things now so I no longer expect marriage and if I do that and he asks down the line I may not want to anymore.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2016 07:17

His "not yet" after 12 years and 2 children is frankly a pathetic non response from him. I doubt very much he will ever marry you to be honest. He should have been a lot more honest with you a long time ago.

If he will not go to relationship counselling which is likely I would attend alone. If he cannot get past his resentment or trust issues then going your separate ways is probably what you will end up doing.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/03/2016 07:26

So a decade ago when you were a student and were not together you did something so awful he still can't get past it?

I'm guessing a murder?

Or a kidnapping plot involving his Granny?

Whatever it was, it must have been really awful to have him still punishing you for it now, so you can't really expect him ever to be properly nice to you.